I got a new laptop. It's godly. I <3.

I registered for school. Speech (bleh) and Oceanography, both required classes, of some sort or another. Found out I DO NOT have to take algebra again, but rather can take college mathematics and statistics, which I have to take statistics anyway so yay! I hate college algebra.

It's nice to know I'm back on track towards my education.

I think I'm going to go over to Seminole permanently until I go to UCF instead of Valencia, they're so much nicer over there and they try to help you out instead of asking for things they know you can't provide and making you jump through hoops for everything.

So after this semester I still need
A humanities
a history
Concepts of Biology
College Mathematics
Statistical Methods
and 5 electives (2 of which will be a language)
and I may have to retake Philosophy but we're not sure because my religion class may count as my second humanities.
And then I will have a 2 yr degree and can go on to UCF.

I woke up at 6am to start doing stuff to register for school and I was not successfully registered and on my way home until 6pm. And we still have to go back tomorrow to pay. And classes start NEXT WEEK! AAH!

Things are going well too. I got a sewing machine for Christmas so I can start making things to sell and make extra money. It's just gonna be a pain to learn how to do certain things, but should be worth the effort.

Mike and I are still doing well. I'm no longer afraid of the future. Which is a nice feeling. One I haven't had since I was a kid. Some of it is still intimidating but in a good way?

I'm also no longer having zombie dreams. Haven't had one in a while. I don't know if I've stopped having nightmares, stopped dreaming, or stopped remembering. Either way.

Speaking of, it's about 2am so I will turn in for a while until he gets home.

Your best frien​d was being​ cheat​ed on, would​ you tell them?​​
Absolutely

How many hours​ of sleep​ you get last night​?
6ish. Probably about 5.

Who were you last in a car with?​​
my mother

When was the last time you hugge​d someo​ne?​​
ah.. today.

Anyth​ing bothe​ring you right​ now?
not overly.

Somet​hing you reall​y want right​ now?
yeah.

What are you liste​ning to?
dead air.

Are you a morni​ng perso​n or a night​ perso​n?​​
night

Last perso​n you wrote​ a note to?
Mike

What are your plans​ for tomor​row?​​
lunch with mom/movie with mike/raid in wow?

What'​​s one thing​ you'​​re excit​ed for?
school.

Could​ you cry right​ now?
no I don't really cry anymore.

What were you doing​ this morni​ng at seven​?​​
wishing I could go back to sleep.

What were you doing​ an hour ago?
showering.

Has anyon​e ever mista​ken you for someo​ne else?​​
probably.

Did you wake up in the middl​e of the night​ last night​?​​
yeah like five times.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conve​rsati​on with?​​
no?

Does anyon​e know your passw​ord besid​es you?
Mike does.

What is your favor​ite kind of weath​er?​​
If I dont have to go anywhere, really really heavy ran, no thunder/lightning.

Would​ you trade​ lives​ with anyon​e?​​
I don't know.

What does your hair look like today​?​​
had it in a messy as crap ponytail until I took a shower.

Are you in a good mood right​ now?
Feh

Where​ is the last perso​n you gave your heart​ to?
At work.

What were you doing​ at ten last night​?​​​​​​
Uh... playing wow?

Who was the last perso​n you walke​d with?​​​
walked? as in crossed the room, or as in took a walk with?

Would​ you rathe​r be calle​d hot, cute,​​​​​​ or beaut​iful?​​​​​
beautiful. any slut can be hot but only a real woman can be beautiful.

Is the perso​n you have a crush​ on older​ or young​er than you?
older

Who was the last perso​n in your bed?
well it's Mike's bed. Technically I don't have one anymore.

Have you ever loved​ someo​ne so much that it hurt?​​​​​​
now.

Did it rain today​?​​​​​​
not that I'm aware of.

Do you like to liste​n to the radio​ when you'​​​​​​re in the car?
yes and sing.

Have you ever been in a long dista​nce relat​ionsh​ip?​​​​​​
technically?

Will you talk to someo​ne on the phone​ tonig​ht?​​​​​
not anymore tonight.

Think​ of the 1st perso​n on your top, what'​​​​​​s your relat​ionsh​ip?​​​​​​
The love of my life.

Could​ you hones​tly say you love someo​ne right​ now?
yes

Do you want to see someo​ne right​ now?
yes

Who'​​​​​​s the last perso​n you walke​d a far dista​nce with?​​​​​
I don't know.

Do you still​ talk to the perso​n you last kisse​d?​​​​​​
Yes of course.

Does it bothe​r you when someo​ne lies to you?
Yes, no excuses.

When'​​​​​​s the next time you will kiss someb​ody?​​​​​​
when he gets home.

Could​ you ever forgi​ve a cheat​er?​​​​​​
I'd like to say no, I'd like to say I'd be strong enough, but I wouldn't be. And I wasn't when it happened to me in highschool.

At the begin​ning of the summe​r,​​​​​​ who did you "​​​​​​have a thing​"​​​​​​ with?​​​​​
Mike still.

Who is the last perso​n you held hands​ with?​​​​​​
Mike

What was the last movie​ you watch​ed?​​​​​​​​
Eternal Sunshine

Do you sleep​ on your stoma​ch?​​​​​​​​
kind of side/stomach combo.

Where​ is your boyfr​iend/​​​​​​girlf​riend​?​​​​​​
at work.

Do you have a chair​ in your room?​​​​​​
in the bedroom, no

What frien​d do you tell the most to?
.... nobody anymore.

Do you think​ the last perso​n you kisse​d cares​ for you?
Well fuck I should hope so.

Who was the last thing​/​​​​​​perso​n you took a pictu​re with?​​​​​​
mahself!

Do you hate it when peopl​e smoke​ aroun​d you?
course not.

Were you happy​ when you woke up?
no

Would​ you rathe​r sleep​ with someo​ne else,​​​​​​ or alone​?​​​​​​
with someone else, but on opposites sides of the bed.

Is the last perso​n you kisse​d mad at you?
no, should he be?

Who was the last perso​n you had a deep conve​rsati​on with?​​​​​​
Mike

Burge​r King or Wendy​s?​​​​​​
I hate Wendy's but I am a sucker for frosties. So it depends if I want food or ice cream.

Where​ are you right​ now?
living room.

Who was the last perso​n you talke​d to on the phone​?​​​​​​
Mike

Where​ is your mom right​ now?
at her house? Probably asleep.

Relat​ionsh​ip statu​s:​​​​​​ Singl​e,​​​​​​Taken​,​​​​​​ Compl​icate​d?​​​​​​
taken

Have you ever kisse​d someo​ne whose​ name start​ed with a B?
uuhhmmmm. ... I don't think so?

Do you mean anyth​ing to the last perso​n you held hands​ with?​​​​​​
again I should hope so

How many windo​ws are open on your compu​ter?​​​​​​
two

Have you ever been heart​ broke​n?​​​​​​
Yes

Furth​est place​ you trave​led to today​?​​​​​​
downtown orlando.

How did your night​ go last night​?​​​​​​
pretty boring.

Who was the last perso​n you saw?
my mom.

Who was the last perso​n to call you?
Mike

Where​ did you sleep​ last night​?​​​​​​
our bed

Who do you live with?​​​​​​
Mike

Will your next kiss be a mista​ke?​​​​​​
no

If you jumpe​d out your bedro​om windo​w right​ now, how injur​ed would​ you be?
not at all, unless lint will kill me.

Would​ you ever want a pet goat?​​​​​​
... no

Do you find grave​yards​ scary​?​​​​​
yes

When was the last time you had butte​rflie​s?​​​​​​
...?

Last perso​n you comme​nted?​​​​​​
wtf?

What was the best thing​ that happe​ned last week?​​​​​​
New Year's. A new start.

What can'​​​​​​t you wait for?
YOU ALREADY ASKED THIS, FUCKER.

Is this the best year of your life?​​​​​​
I hope its better than last.
​
Are you good at hidin​g your feeli​ngs?​​​​​​
no

Who knows​ you the best?​​​​​​
Mike

Whose​ birth​day is comin​g up?
Chris and Elise

When you say you dont care,​​​​​​ do you mean it?
no. totally not.

If someo​ne liked​ you right​ now, would​ you want them to tell you?
no


Have you ever moved​?​​
many times

Are you liste​ning to music​ right​ now?
no

Do you like to cuddl​e?​​
Yeah

How many days til your birth​day?​​
like ten months.

This is not a bitch fest about Mike. This really (mostly) isn't even about him. This is about men. I will never understand men.

Men will always think women are stupid and worthless, yet will always expect them to hold down a job to make their half of the bills, AND clean, cook, wait home for their significant other to decide they want their attention, so on and so forth. Be domestic but don't be a burden on their wallets, or their free time. Men will always expect women to bow to their whim, do what THEY want to do when THEY want to do it. And god help the woman if she asks of the man. It's just too hard. Whatever it is you're asking, it's too hard. You could be asked to get massaged by eighteen naked women while eating ice cream, and that's just too much work.

Speaking of naked women. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID. Movie. Worthless. Absolutely not worth even the dollar we spent to rent it. Now two dollars cause it hasn't been returned yet. Just an excuse to see pussy, tits, and ass. No plot, no humor. Just naked women.
Again, created by men.
Or lesbians?
I don't understand them either.

Let's keep every single attractive female around that we can. That way we can stare at their cleavage on myspace when they're not looking. LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW. And because of these women, who's boobs are plastered all over the interwebz, women are classified as being attention whores. We are grouped in the same category as the sluts with the tits and asses hanging out every which direction. Oh yeah? I'll bet I can look hot too if I spend FOUR HOURS in front of the fucking bathroom mirror trying to get just the right shot. Seriously girls, get a fucking life. Myspace is not the world. And your fucking cleavage will get you nothing but disrespect. LEARN THIS.

And men. Really? REALLY? Do you think that girl plastering her boobs all over the interwebz and everything else, do you really think she's someone you want to be with? Yeah, you and the rest of the world. Oh wait THE REST OF THE WORLD'S ALREADY BEEN THERE.

FFS. I'm so fucking jaded by American society anymore. I hate women. I hate men. I hate the marketing department of any product. I hate men for stereotyping us all as whores, and I hate women for making them do so.

Fuck. And please all you guys with the horde of gorgeous female friends: stop pretending you care about their personality. We all know they're going "blah blah blah" in your head and you're trying to figure out the quickest way to titty fuck the bitch.

To all the gorgeous female friends:
PUT ON SOME GODDAMN CLOTHES.

Thank you.

And to the ugly bitches who try to rule men:
get over yourself.
ps your gums are huge and I think a truck ran into your face. Several times. And then left a load of manure where your personality used to be.

...¬_¬

Really I'm not this angry all the time it's just a rant. That's what blogs are for, right?

I'm gonna go be happy now.

Every time I log on to MySpace now I just get angry. Who does she think she is? WHO THE FUCK. DOES SHE THINK SHE IS. And you know, I'd like to know what her boyfriend would have to say about that little letter she's sending. I'd like to see the look on his face when he realizes she's a cheating whore who just wants everyone to love her -- despite the fact that she's a poor excuse for a husk of a human being. It's really sad, it's pathetic in fact, that she feels the need to do this to justify her existence. What a sad existence. I guess I've just never been that pathetic, so no, I don't understand. And I never want to. But the difference between her and me, is I am with one person and I truly completely and utterly love that person and would do anything in my power to keep them happy. She does not love anyone but herself, and will do anything in her power to keep herself happy and make everyone else that loves her, miserable. Fuck. Why do I let someone so horrible piss me off so badly? Why does HE let someone so horrible GET TO HIM SO BADLY? WHY DOES SOMEONE THAT HORRIBLE EXIST.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PEOPLE.

HOW can one cheat on their significant other?
HOW can one steal a credit card and use it as their own?
HOW can one hurt someone else, directly or inadvertently?
HOW can one hack someone's account and steal characters or something?
HOW can one NOT FUCKING FEEL GUILT for all the horrible things they do?
HOW CAN ONE NOT CARE THAT SOMEONE WHO LOVED THEM, HURT SO BADLY?

And most of all. How can one, knowingly and willingly, decide that their self interest is more important than the one they claim to love? And then turn around and use the word as a tool against them. As a "haha I got you by the balls because I said I love you." Ffs. Have you no pride? Have you no compassion? No. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING HUSK.

People aggravate me so much. I hate my job. I go to it every day because I love everything else about my life. I love coming home to his smiling face, even when it's attached to a computer screen. I love going out with friends, especially with him. I love the new friends I have, they're real friends. And I love how he's just now realizing what real friends are. And that these people are it. And that he should embrace it just like I have. And not have to worry about them hurting you BECAUSE THEY WON'T.

I can't believe I fell into the social group that I did. I'm so incredibly lucky that everything at work, ended up the way it did. That I decided to try to be friends with Victoria, even though, honestly at the time, it didn't seem like we had a lot in common (which I now know is wrong). And by this strange strange turn of events, I've found the best social group ever in my life. Better than YRUU, if that could be possible. It sounds so cheesy but I love them all, they're so amazing. I connect with each one on a different level, but no one is more amazing than the last. With the exception, of course, of my love Mike. I value my connection with him more than anyone.

I can't believe I let this bitch get me so upset. I can't believe she would stoop so low because she's lonely. I can't believe her stupid boyfriend falls for her crap lies.
Here's to you, bitch, hope your plane crashes and you, and you, solely, die in a firey inferno. And go burn in a firey inferno for the rest of eternity in hell for all you've done. But I must applaud you because for the first time in ever, I actually trust him. Fully completely. I understand his position in this situation and I understand he had no choice but to fall for your lies. Again. But he won't fall again, because this time he has someone who REALLY loves him. And this time he knows your game.

And I hope to god you by some stupid chance of luck read this. It would make my day. No, my year. Cheers, cunt.

So the vacation was pretty much amazing. We left ass early Wednesday morning, we got there at 6.30 and left somewhere around 7ish. Drove, drove some more, and then just for kicks drove some more. Got to North Carolina and stayed in this indian reservation casino. I was sad because I couldn't go in the casino. So Jen and I hung out in the arcade while the guys blew their money. We spent like 15$ each in the arcade and got a bracelet each, a jack of diamonds pillow each, a bandana each, a rubber duckie (for me), a light up yo yo (for her), a fridge magnet each, and some other random crap. Then we went "gem mining" which means we went to this tourist trap, put rocks and dirt in a wooden/chicken wire contraption box, and used water to sift out the dirt. It was cold, but it was fun. Definitely tourist-ey though. Then we went and did some other random crap. I saw one of those little mechanical horses that every stereotypical kid rides on at some point in their lives. So I sat on it and it cost 50 cents so I was like "quick someone give me 50 cents!" jokingly. Lo and behold, Mike appears with 50 cents and puts it in the horse, which I was not expecting. Those things are a little awkward. It was like humping a metallic horse. Only it was making me. So then the next day we went and did some other stuff, went sledding on man made snow, but I was wearing chucks that are two steps from death so my feet got really wet and really cold really fast, so I sat in the car for the last half of it. Then I chilled in the bathtub with the jets while everyone else went and spent more money in the casino. Then I watched some tv. Was kind of boring. Kind of made me a little sad or depressed I guess that I couldn't go in the casino with them. Made me feel guilty too because I felt like I made them feel like they couldn't go because I couldn't. I'm sure they would have spent way more time and money in there had it not been for me being there. It's like I told Mike, I'm glad I didn't know that I couldn't go in the casino, because I probably would not have gone on the vacation at all because I knew I'd feel guilty, but then I would have missed out on the rest of it.

Friday morning we got up and left and went to Tennessee, got there in about an hour or two. It was so beautiful. When we were driving up the mountain to the chalet, I was looking out the window thinking "I live in Florida, when I could be living in THIS." We got there and oh my god, the view was gorgeous. Seeing these mountains rising in the distance, with no real pattern or sense to any of it. It was so haphazardly beautiful. The house itself was amazing, too. Three bedrooms, each with it's own bathroom with a tub/shower, and THEN in the bedroom was this two person tub, fit with two tub pillows. It just screamed, as Mike said, a "love making" tub. Not only that, but there was a mirror on either side of it, and it was actually in the bedroom with stairs going up to it. So Friday we walked around town a little, Mike bought me the cutest little purple dragon doll thingy, went on this silly ghost walk thing, and just generally enjoyed the town. Saturday was pretty much the same, except Mike and JC went snowboarding. Haha. I would have paid to watch them fall on their asses repeatedly, had it not been so freaking cold out there and me only in jeans, a tshirt, and my marvel zombies hoodie. Which is not a real warm hoodie, mind you. Then that night we were going to go in the hot tub but it was too cold and by the time it warmed up everyone had given up and had gone to make use of their respective "love making" tubs anyway. It was nice to just relax with Mike in the tub for like two hours. The fact that I can be comfortable with my body enough to not be trying to cover every square inch of bare skin, and the fact that he can be comfortable around me finally, is really nice. And then we made REAL use of the tub in true form of the tub's nickname. Bahaha. Then we went outside for a cigarette, him in his pjs and jacket and me in my pjs and wrapped up in this really really warm nice blanket. I should have stolen the thing. Seriously. It was nice. And we talked. And it was nice. Being able to be open and real with someone is something that I haven't had... ever? It seems like everyone's always so hung up on how people perceive them, that nothing ever gets done and nobody ever really knows anyone. I'm still learning about him but everything I learn makes me love him more.

Then we went to sleep and left the next morning to go home. Another long ass drive and we were home. And I've honestly never felt more disappointed to be home. I want to go back. Like tomorrow. I like the people in Florida, my friends more specifically, and I don't mind it here. But I desperately want to go live up North. And I think Mike feels the same way. I'm going to go get my education and get a real job, if for no other reason than to move out of Florida and to somewhere that takes my breath away.

I was surprised, honestly, at how well I got along with Jen and JC. We had a lot of things in common. There were times when the three of them were reminiscing about the past, and I didn't have any idea what any of them were talking about, and I felt really left out. But for the most part I fit in like one of the group. Which was strange to me because I haven't been around that long. JC and Jen have been together almost 7 years, Mike and JC have been friends since like 7th grade. And I've only been around for 10 months? I expected for there to be a lot more uncomfortable me-playing-my-ds-or-texting-people-because-I-don't-know-what's-going-on moments than there were.

We had a conversation when we got home that just made me feel amazing. And the thought of the future, and how it looks and how it's really starting to look up, is worth waiting for. And somehow it makes the thought of a real home seem less impossible.

One of these days I'm going to introduce Sydney to Zoe and Dexter.

We've been together for 10 months now.

I wish that everyone could feel the way that I have for the last week. The things he says to me and the way he treats me and looks at me makes me feel like the most beautiful and lucky girl in the world. And somehow when I'm with him is the only time I don't feel worthless. And when he hugs me and stokes my hair and rubs my back and I can tell that he's really happy, it makes me feel like I've done something real with my life. Because all I really want is to make someone happy who makes me happy.

...
I don't know what I want to do for a profession. I really want to go into psychology. But I seriously do not know if I am smart enough or even if I could make a living off that. Psychology seems to be a really fucking popular degree. I can't compete in that career.

I think I've said enough for today. I had the time of my life this last week on vacation, and had my breath taken away many many times.

I've got to stop using lyrics as a header for posts. I've had this song stuck in my head all day.

I've been hanging out with Ashley a lot. It's nice to be able to relate to a girl again. A girl who doesn't have some ulterior motive.

I think I need to step away from the situation I'm in, re-evaluate my life, clear my head, get things straight, and learn to love myself again. Because frankly this shit self esteem is less than pleasant. And I'm just snowballing. The worse I feel, the less I talk, the more people talk about me, behind my back AND to my face, the worse I feel. Lather rinse repeat. So fuck that.

I'm going to avoid things for a while and hope it clears up. Talking isn't helping. Being upset isn't helping. And being made fun of for having a problem is definitely not helping.

Yes, I'm insane. Yes I have problems. I'm sorry but anyone in my situation would be a little fucked up right now. I don't have a home. I don't care what anyone says. We all know I'm living out of the back of my car. Yes I sleep places, not in my car. Yes I have somewhere to shower. But NOWHERE, I repeat NOWHERE, is my HOME. And that is just a little too much for me to deal with right now. And when someone threatens what little you have left, it's a bit much.

And I know I was out of line. But work with me here.

I'm hoping I'll be able to walk away from this situation with the same life I have now, just a better mind frame. Because I've decided that I'm the only one who can help myself. And lord knows I'm the only one who wants to try to.

Fuck I just want to talk to someone. But everytime I try to talk to someone about my problems, it's "too much for them" or "too depressing" and they leave. So you know what? I'm done talking. I don't want to lose anything else. I can't afford to lose anything else.

I started to write this as a livejournal post and then realized that I just don't want people to read it. Because I tried to make it vague but it wasn't really possible. So instead I guess I'm just using MySpace. Besides, then I don't have to spam poor innocent bystanders with my bullshit idiotic crap. Because the only people who read this are people with WAY too much time. ... ... ... and you have to specifically click on it to read it, there are no "friends lists" like livejournal for people to bitch at me to use lj cuts.

Stupid livejournal.

So my weekend isn't over yet but I'm already posting about it. I guess I'll go in chronological order.

Friday night after work things happened and in the middle of things happening, he stopped me and said some things to me that made my heart melt. ... something like... a week ago, I said something and then a conversation ensued and it made me worry. Which is stupid because I never before worried that he would do anything to... to hurt me. Never. And I just convinced myself that I'd set myself up. And I don't know why I convinced myself. And it took a lot of thinking to get myself to stop that. Because I know it's back-ass-wards and detrimental to everything. And I know it's not true. Somehow though my mind works in ways I don't understand.
Anyway. Things worked out well and I'm happy.
Then we went to Corner Pocket with Brent and Jessie. That was fun. I had a nice time even though I sucked. Brent and Jessie found the cutest little black kitty ever that we saw when we stopped at their house. I wanted to steal it. But I wouldn't. So I didn't. Anyway I totally had the best luck at pool I've ever had. I was making shots and going "wtf how'd I do that? I can't even make the most basic shots!" but.... I guess that's how luck works.
I seem to be really lucky these days. I guess karma's finally paying me back in the good way?

Today I went to my mom's. Then I came back to Mike's house. And saw him for like an hour. And gathered up a little courage. And then took a nap with him. That's always nice. And oh so fun.

Then I went to the church. They're having this lockin con thing. It was strange. I was the youth cochair, I was so involved in the group, I was so... it was my life. And I do still strongly believe in it. And I do believe that it is a large percentage of what made me, me. Because without it, I really don't think I would have survived adolescence. It was my life. It was what got me through the week. And now I'm so... so... disassociated. Which is fine. I think everyone my age goes though this with the group. But I remember being a kid and going "I'm going to have such a hard time leaving this place when I hit 21, I'm never going to want to leave." And here I am. Surviving on my own. So anyway my point to all this was. I was there for about four hours and I went in the bathroom. The handicapped stall because I'm a selfish bitch. And there were no handicapped people there anyway. And I looked in the mirror for some reason and all of a sudden I just had a wave of all the memories rush over me. All the stupid little childish squabbles that occurred in that bathroom, with Caitlin, with Tiffany, with so many people. All the crying heart to heart girl moments I had with people. And I walked into the main room, while everyone else is outside at the bonfire, and I looked around the room, devoid of chairs because they've all been stacked to make room for mattresses. And I thought about the little stories and memories. All the countless hours spent laying on mattresses with people I was convinced I'd surround myself with, forever. The awkward times, the good times, the heartbreaking times. And all this happened in the span of about half a minute. And I was just so overcome with emotions that I felt so... ... I hate to use the word again, but disassociated. And then I walked outside and almost ran smack face into Graham. Graham looks so much like Kyle these days. And that's what I thought. "Kyle? Oh. No it's Graham." And it felt like youth again. For that split second when I thought it was Kyle walking through the door. And I thought about the fact that never again will I share an air mattress with four or five other people. Never again will I have that platonic feeling with a group of up to a hundred people. Never again will I be able to experience that feeling of getting out of a van of crowded people that you've been crammed in for up to three hours, and being immediately greeted by your best friends that you haven't seen in a month, because they don't live in Orlando. And knowing that for two days you will do absolutely nothing and have a blast. I think we should get a group of people together to sit on air mattresses. All the oldschool people. All the people who made my YRUU experience something that I think of with the most fond memories, more than any other childhood experience I've ever had. But it wouldn't be the same. Because I'm growing up and I don't need that anymore. And neither do they. Sometimes it's really hard to let go of your childhood. And sometimes it's hard to admit that's what I'm doing.

I loved YRUU, it was ... the essence of me. I based my life around it's occurrences. I grew so much in it. But those days have passed. I know that and it's not like I'm trying to pretend otherwise. But sometimes it's just so strange to feel old. And I'm not even nineteen yet.

...
I went out with Elise afterwards. We went to Toys R Us and bought TAMAGOTCHIS. YES, we ARE that awesome. And they're friends now and they visited each other. And mine is a boy and hers is a girl and when they get old they'll have babies and we'll have baby tamagotchis. Then we went to WalMart. Oh man two and a half hours later we pretty much had seen all of walmart and had an AWESOME time doing so. Then we drove up and down 434 looking for a Chevron. To no avail. Anyway point being I guess it's nice to have a chick friend again. And I had a lot of fun with her and I think we could be friends. So this could work out well. Tomorrow we're supposed to go to A Comic Shop and then I also remembered there's a chevron right down the street by the Denny's. So that works.

OH! And so we're walking out of WalMart and looking at the quarter machine thingies, put 50 cents in, get a cheap piece of plastic. You know the deal. And most of them are weird, stupid, or creepy. But there's this one that has little doggies. And I was like "oohh there's a dachshund!" and so she puts the 50 cents in and hands me the ball and she's like "what'd you get?" and I totally got the dachshund. How's that for amazing luck? So now I have a plastic dachshund in my purse to ... match? the glow in the dark zombies. Yep.

I so have a Tamagotchi keychain thingy on my phone now. And he's awesome.

I got to Mike's house at around 1.30 and Sarge comes running up to me wagging his tail ridiculously and acting like a puppy. I stopped for a few minutes and played with him. It was really cute. He's old and doesn't really act like that a lot. So somehow I always find it really adorable when he acts like he's young again. And now Sydney is totally sleeping on her back with her feet in the air now against the desk. I swear some days that dog must have brain damage or something because she does things that no normal dog does.

Ah... I think I'm ... okay seriously I cannot write anything seriously because everytime I look over I see Sydney asleep on her back. It's very amusing.

Things are working out for the better. I was so scared I'd fucked things up. And now it's good. And I'm so incredibly happy. And in a way I guess that kind of scares me because if this went away I wouldn't be happy anymore. But it's one of those dangers I'm more than willing to take. Because it's so worth the risk of being crushed. More than he really has any idea.

I give up, she keeps making me lose my train of thought.

As bad as it is, as entirely detrimental to everything I am that it is, I can't not be insecure. I can't not think that everything is going to come crashing down on me. And with how happy I am right now, it will be devastating. Would be, I guess I should say. Nothing wrong is happening. My mind just likes to tell me that it is.

I dyed my hair black. I hate it. But I'm stuck. And I don't really care anymore so much. It's hair. What can you do. I need to get my hair cut, it's starting to look like a chick mullet. God help me.

I hate where I live honestly. Rent's too high, roommates are eating my food and then asking me for money when I drink some of their tea (excuse me?), and the utility situation is a bunch of bullshit. As far as the pets go, too, whoever keeps shutting my door is going to die, first off, because nobody will fix MY air conditioner vent so if they keep shutting the door in the afternoon, the rats are going to overheat and die. And if they die, so does everyone else in the house. You should see how much water they go through in a day. Like I thought my room at my parent's house was bad. This is like 2938283984x worse.

What people don't understand is that when I get attached to someone and care what they think, it's important to me that they're happy. So it's more important that they get to do what they want or eat where they want or go where they want, than me. I have ideas in my head (sometimes, sometimes I honestly don't) but then I think "well what if they're not in the mood for that?" and then "will they just go along with it to appease me?" Thus... I never make decisions. Unless I'm seriously unhappy with the situation. Then I just bitch and hope someone gets the idea. And even at that, ...

I'm going to stop eating crap now. I need to loose weight. I kind of chunked up and it makes me unhappy. Because even though he calls me sexy and beautiful, I just can't believe it. And when I look in the mirror, it only solidifies my fears that I'm unattractive. And when I look at pictures I notice that I used to be thinner. Considerably thinner. And I want to be that again. Or better. So I guess I should start taking action.
There you go, I made a decision for myself.

It's hard for me to let loose. Even though I am myself and I don't have a problem showing my personality, I'm always worried what people think. Only people who I care about. Strangers, well, they're about as important to me as carpet lint. Possibly less so.

I think I'm losing contact with people. People are moving away and moving on and I'm still here. People have better things to do with their lives than hang out with me. And with me working all the time now it's hard. What little friends I had, have now pretty much no interest in me.

Pete quit today. Kind of makes me sad I guess because it'll be a lot quieter and a lot more boring. I guess I'll start reading at work again. Convergys doesn't understand management and Padilla needs to be fired. ASAP. I flat out told Harry the other day that if they fired Padilla, I guarantee you, work performance, productivity, and morale would improve ten fold. Pretty much in those words, too. I also made reference to the fact that nobody even likes padilla as a person and I can't understand how the man hasn't been assassinated yet. Roughly.

I hung out with Melyssa. I'm glad I did. I won't lie, I didn't like her in the beginning. And I even told her that. But that's because I innately have this dislike for girls. They're pissy, whiny, bitchy, and dumb. But I think I could actually be friends with Melyssa. Which would be nice to have a female friend again. Jason's nice but he doesn't have that whole vagina thing going.

I miss my dogs.

I miss my childhood.

I miss not having to worry about how to pay my car bill and buy food at the same time.

I have the attention span of... Dexter. That's why my posts are always
so erratic.

I'm gonna go level my conjuration skill now.

ps -- Saturday is four months for me and Mike. it seems like it's been a lot longer. In the good way.

As prodded by someone I don't even know. Ironic how that works at 1 in the afternoon when there's nothing to do.

So it's really hot here at Mike's house. His air conditioner apparently is like "feh I don't want to work so well" and so it doesn't. I don't like being hot.

Work is okay. I dread going to work every single morning. I can't stand waking up knowing I'm going somewhere to get yelled at. I mean honestly nobody in that profession likes their jobs. I'm thinking of taking a second job at night to bring in some extra bread, just temporarily, until I get some stuff paid off. But it wouldn't be a very honorable profession. And I'm not sure I want to degrade myself to that quite yet. I keep coming back to this. Ever since I turned 18. I could do it, I could make money (I'd need to go on a diet a little first, and after that I could make damn good money). But do I really want to do that? I have mixed emotions about the whole situation. And mostly, what if I get recognized? I don't want someone using that as blackmail against me. And how does THAT look on a job application in the future.
Eh.

Monetarily, things are getting better. I've been struggling like nothing else to make ends meet. I eat 33cent ramen noodle cups for lunch every day, or sandwiches from my roommate's bread and veggie sandwich meat that Caitlin's parents gave me because nobody there likes it. I've greatly lessened my intake of cigarettes because those shits are expensive. Every two weeks I'm thrilled if I make it to the next paycheck with more than 50cents in my checking account. This time I managed to make it with about 20$. AND. There's 3 paychecks in this upcoming week. Brittany is letting me pay rent 3 days late so I can pay with the next one. So this paycheck goes to paying off some of my credit card debt. And existing. Groceries for fuck's sakes. I can't tell you how relieving it is to have 500$ in the bank and no bills to pay. Next paycheck (hopefully, or I'll be raising some hell) I'll be getting my $150 bonus for referring my brother.

Thing is this all sounds like a lot of money. Yeah I get about .... 1300$ a month? But considering I have 220 car bill, 140 insurance that just went UP to 155 because I moved (wtf?), 550 rent (including utilities), 60 cell bill, and I work 30 miles away from home and gas prices are STILL GOING UP FOR FUCK'S SAKES. It's expensive. In 5 months when my lease runs up I'm getting the fuck out of dodge. Because 1) I can't stand the mess. I come home and it looks like the kitchen exploded. and 2) 400$ in rent is a little high but there is no fucking way a house that small has 150$ per person in utilities. That's a bunch of bullshit. I finally figured it out, though. I'll bet. There's 4 people there, Brittany doesn't have a job, we all pay 400 + 150 in utilities. I'll bet you anything my utilities plus jesse's plus joe's = 450 = BRITTANY'S RENT.
Which pisses me off to no extent. I understand her parents own the house. But I'm sorry, I'm poor, I can't afford that shit.

Moral of the story is I will be moving in 5 months and will be looking for roommates who want a cheap but not dangerous living situation. And clean people. Please. I don't care if your room looks like a train wreck but if you can keep your dishes clean then that's all I care about. And no roaches. Ugh.

When I move that means I'll be able to have my dogs. That would be amazing. I miss my dogs more than you can imagine. I go over there and it breaks my heart that Dexter doesn't even know me and Zoe cries her head off every time I leave. I can't take them with me. I want my babies back.

Things are good between Mike and I. We have our fights like every other couple. Mostly spawned by me being stupid. As is understood by everyone I know, I'm stupid, I do stupid things. Life goes on. The other day I got absolutely terrified of myself because I realized exactly how attached I was, how involved, and how vulnerable I was. I don't do vulnerability well. I kind of flipped out and it was ridiculous. I don't think he understands why I did what I did. And he's forgiven me. I haven't forgiven myself yet though. I don't really know what to say to myself about that situation.

I'm happy though. Really happy. Like it's still the "new relationship" happy. In fact it's better. Because the more time I spend around him and the more I know him the more... well... I'm sure you understand. And most of all he makes me feel like I'm a worthwhile person. Nobody else does that. Not friends, not parents, not previous relationships. Everyone either made me feel how I felt about myself, which was meh, or even worse. Nobody's ever had a positive effect on my long term self esteem. Three months ago I just wanted to exist. Nothing more. Now I want to live. And I mean really live. I want to experience the world and then make a difference in it. I'm sure my difference in the world won't be huge, but I don't want to just be one of those people who scrapes by every day in their menial jobs hoping that tomorrow won't bring another fiancial crisis. Basically I don't want to be what I am now.

I'm trying to better myself again. I'm reading Foucault currently. "The Order Of Things." Not too far into it yet. We'll see how that goes.

I think my relationship with my mother is getting better. I don't see my father a lot but I think it's better since I don't live with them anymore. We're going to see a Vonnegut play tomorrow afternoon. My father suggested it. He drives past the theatre on his way home from work and he knows Vonnegut is one of my favourite authors. I thought that was really sweet. Especially considering I'd come to the conclusion that my father knew nothing about me because I don't get to see him a lot and haven't really gotten to since I was a little kid. He works a lot and what time he doesn't work, he spends with my mother. Not that it's a bad thing. I expect them to. They're married. That's what married people do. They just had me and my brother a little later in life so during that time in which I should have been breaking off but still having some contact, they were having their own life. So there was essentially little to no contact.

I don't even know what to think about my brother anymore. He's become a really horrible person. My mother cosigned on the loan for his car, much like she did for me on mine, but he's not paying his car bill. He was like half a month late on his car bill. Does he not understand that that ruins not only his, but also her credit? Does he not care? Personally my car bill is the first thing I pay because it's not my credit I'm worried about, it's the fact that I could be ruining my mother's. And that's not fair to her when she went out on a limb for me. He wastes all his money on comic books and crap and the only bill he has is car and insurance. No cellphone, no rent. He's 22 and still lives with his parents and is OKAY with that. I don't know. I think this whole situation is ridiculous and I think my parents need to grow the balls to tell him to get the fuck out or grow up or both.

Don't get me wrong I love my brother. But I don't understand how he can be happy with where he is in life right now. I mean I'm not even happy with where I am and I'm slightly better off than him. The difference is I'm doing something about it and he's just letting his life pass him by.

Mike's sister, Niece, and sister's boyfriend, and some little kid I don't recognize, all just came in and started squirting us with this watergun (little one) and telling Mike they're gonna borrow his truck. Very interesting. I like his family. I mean I'm not used to loud families. Yeah, my dad's family is catholic which means there's like 2938498234 of us. But most of them are mild mannered and easily offended. And I see them all of ... what once every other year? Woo.

The 4th of July was funny. For example, we were somewhere with Mike's family and one of the people was asking me if I wanted something to drink, and his dad walks by and says "yeah she wants WATER" because I'm underage. And she's like "I can get you some cranberry juice and vodka, and they won't suspect anything because I don't serve ANYONE!" I laughed. I ended up drinking a fair amount that night but was still okay. I mean I wasn't falling over. I did knock over a beer though. Oops.

I've made some new friends and lost some old ones. I don't really know if it's good or bad. It just is. And seeing some of my old friends in certain situations is awkward. Because some people hate me and some don't. Some want to still be friends and some want me to burn in hell. Some are about to get a 150$ bonus for referring me to Convergys.

I guess that's all I'm saying right now. And Mike's awake. So... Yeah. Nobody read this. I wouldn't either, don't worry.

Some people around me have really changed. And I don't know if I like who they've become. And that makes me feel really sad. And it makes me feel really lonely. Because... well... I can't say why. I guess it's not fair for me to feel this way. If they're happy with their life, then good. I guess it just makes me sad that they've become everything they said they never would. And I'm not a part of who they are anymore.

I guess I've changed too. In the past month or so I've had to change a lot of who I was. I've had to become more responsible for myself and my doings. I can't just continue to float by on a meager existence. I have to really live. And in order for me to really live, I have to be able to survive on my own. Right now I'm working towards that. Independence. Finally, freedom. Freedom through shackles of responsibility. Ironic, I know. Don't get me started.

I've started smoking (clove cigarettes) more often than I used to. It's like... 3-5 a day. I mean it's not too bad. But it used to be like once a week or so. The only plus I can see out of this situation is that cigarettes can promote weight loss. And I like them. As far as everything else goes, it's a money drain, and it's detrimental to my health in the long run. Because I need to give my body an excuse to be more unhealthy, you know. Feh. I don't know if I really care anymore.

Life's good. I hate my job. Tuesday I cried. Yesterday I laughed hysterically at my last call. Even when the job is funny, I still hate it. And 7am and I, we don't get along so well.

He makes me happy when he's around. And even when he's not around. When I get texts from him, it always makes me smile, even if it's just a hey. When I'm sitting at my desk and I think about him, which is often, it makes me smile. But most of all when I get to sleep next to him, even if nothing of a sexual nature occurs, even if I'm the one sleeping and he's playing Naruto, just his mere presence is enough to put a permanent smile on my face. It's everything. His smell, his touch, the body warmth. And I really wish, with all my heart, that I could believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful. Because he's a sincere person and he wouldn't lie to me. But 18.5 years of being me has told me that I'm not beautiful. No part of me is. Not my personality, and certainly not my physical appearance. So. It's hard. And when he tells me, I like to pretend I believe him. Because it's so nice to hear. And I know he doesn't like that I can't believe him. And I feel guilty for that. I just can't do anything about how I feel.

In the case of him though I'm glad I can't do anything about the way I feel. Because if I could have, I wouldn't have brought him into my drama. And then I wouldn't have him in my life. And then I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am.

On a semi-off-topic side note, the couch, the back porch, the car,... it's all great. It's such a change, and it's a change I reeaaaalllyyy like. I could get used to this. (well maybe not as much as recently but that's what happens when you're in my living situation and have no car for transportation. Pfft.)

I hate saying goodnight. So I don't. I'll say "see you later," I'll say "sleep well," but I never say goodnight. Because saying goodnight just makes me want to pull him in closer and not let him go home. And then, well, neither one of us would ever go to sleep or work again.

I thought about skipping being a 'girl' this time. But I wanted to be entirely sure that nothing bad was going to come up, and that the chapter of my life that I recently ended, was entirely over, with no surprise occurrences. So I'll deal with the consequences for a few days in order to be sure that I won't have that problem. Luckily for me, I know now that I don't have that problem. Which makes me wish I had skipped being a 'girl.' Because I could have really had some fun this weekend. I guess I'm just overly paranoid about that type of thing. Maybe I still can have fun towards the end of the weekend. We'll see how things play out.

I want things to be sorted out. I want to know what's going on. I just want to know.

I found out something that someone said that made me giggle. More so on the inside than on the outside. I guess it's nice to have someones approval (sort of). I don't get that much anymore, these days.

What he doesn't understand is that I'm so terrified he's going to figure out how young, dumb, and naive I am. Yeah, I'm only 18. Yeah I'm trying my hardest to not be the immature retarded 18 year old that some of my friends seem to be these days. But sometimes I just can't help it. I don't know what I'm doing. And since the last person, I just can't find myself able to trust people with the concept of my flaws. I'm a really insecure person, in case you all didn't know that already. Which you did. I'm so afraid he'll find out things about me he doesn't like. I don't know what he would find out, it's not like I have anything to hide, I think. But ... I just... don't have faith in my personality I guess. I worry he'll find someone better. Someone like... his movie buddy. Or the last girl. Or something like that.

I don't know why I'm talking about this.

The point is that he makes me happy. Which is a feeling I haven't really truly felt in... a really long time. I tried to be happy, I tried to fool myself and everyone else. But I just didn't feel it. There was always something missing. Now it's... it's different. It's better. It's amazing. He's amazing.

Even Shelly has comment on how I seem different. In a good way.

If you're a guy and you have a special girl and you're reading this, go tell her how beautiful she is or how much you miss her. Seriously. Go. Now. I decree it so.

And if you're reading this, and I know you will, you're so amazing. And I hope you believe me this time.

And the fact that you made a wish at 11.11 made me laugh. Not so much in an amused way, but in a happy way, that you have heard of that too and you don't think I'm crazy, like most people do. And what you said about 'slowing it down,' I made a joke about it but it really was possibly one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. But then again you do have a habit of saying things of that nature.

So I'm ridiculously tired today and I had a really irate customer. So I'm going back to sleep for a few hours. Or like. The entire weekend. You know, whatever works.

Goodnight kids, thanks for tuning in for this episode of "fucked up little girl." Hope it was entertaining. I know it certainly is for me.

I stayed at his house a few nights. Friday I stayed there in the daytime while he was at work, playing games and playing with his dog, and watching movies. And then that night I also stayed there. Yesterday we woke up late, and just hung around. And then he gave me a ride to work. Then after I got home from work, shortly thereafter, he came over and well everyone hung out and played Naruto and it was kind of boring but nice at the same time. If that makes any sense at all? I know, it doesn't. I'm sorry. I liked seeing him there when I got out of the shower after work. At around 4am, everyone went to bed. And we stayed up talking. And being silly. And he decided to not sleep on my futon with me because what if it caused drama. What if someone in specific saw and told someone else in specific. I understand and I agree, I don't want drama and I don't want a confrontation or issues. But I hate when drama keeps me from doing what I want to do. And he's worth waiting for, he's worth waiting for drama to settle down, I don't deny that in any fashion. But you should all know I'm horrible with waiting. I'm a very impatient person. It's gotten me into serious issues in the past, and I try to do otherwise, but I'm impulsive. So he wanted to not sleep with me on the futon. So then I did something that I felt guilty about afterwards, really guilty, because I pestered him into it, but I do crave it so. Anyone who knows me in the slightest knows that this is how I am. And the way to keep me happy and satiated, is to give me that. I don't care what happens after that, as long as I get that every once in a while, I'm good to go.

Then at around 6am I slept alone on the futon. And was lonely. But I understood.

And the next morning (err, more like around 2pm) I woke to realize that the person who might have told someone, ensuing in drama, was, in fact, in the living room. And so he was right, it was a good idea he didn't sleep on the futon with me. But I missed having someone there with me. I really do like that more than anything in the world. I do mean anything. Including the previously mentioned (or rather alluded to) subject. And to beat that in importance, it's gotta be something special. Right? Right.

So then today the group did a whole lot of nothing, like we did yesterday. We went to get Taco Bell but made a pit stop at a gas station. When he went to buy cigarettes, I asked Aaron and he said that my ex had decided it was time to move on. Then he came back so I kind of ended the conversation for fear of discomfort. In Taco Bell while waiting for food, I asked him again exactly what happened and finally after me saying no, no, I don't want to come back, I'm not going to, he's finally decided to move on. Which makes me happy. Because I don't want him to be unhappy, I really don't. I just can't be the one trying to make him happy anymore. And since we're working towards that, I'm ecstatic. Because I just want to move on with my life and not be shadowed by drama and guilt.

Naruto, Burning cds, Naruto, Game, Naruto, Naruto, talking to people online, Naruto, etc. The day was, well,... boring. In the nice way. And that still doesn't make sense, I'm aware. I apologize to you. I can't explain it. You'd have to be me. And then, well, I wouldn't be me. And then I'd be sad. And you don't want to make me sad, do you? Okay then.

Only certain people are allowed to know. And that makes me sad. Because I don't want to hide it. And I don't want to have to act differently around specific people. Because I'm not good at that. I am who I am and I don't change that for anyone. So why is it that I'm tiptoeing around someone I don't care for anymore? I know, nobody wants drama. I don't either. I just wish... I wish... I want things to be okay.

I talked to my mother today. She called me this morning to tell me Lilith died. When she called it was around 11am and I knew that's what she was calling about. So I rejected the call and let it go to voicemail. I know it's not the right thing to do. But I just couldn't hear that news at that hour. It didn't change the news, just made it avoidable for a while. I called her back around 3 or 4 and we talked for an hour. It was weird. I've spent the last eighteen years trying to make them proud of me. I got good grades, I didn't do drugs except maybe twice or three times a year, hell I didn't even lose my virginity until I was seventeen. I've done very few sexual things with very few people and I've never done anything detrimental to my future; never been arrested, never gotten pregnant, nothing. And they were never proud of me. It was never enough. It was always "your grades could be better," "you could do more around the house," "you go out with your friends and play games too much." Now all of a sudden I'm kicked out in a situation where I'm sleeping on someone's couch, but even sometimes that's so unstable that I have to sleep on someone ELSE's couch. I don't have a car, I'm 500$ in debt to a credit card and another $180 in debt to my parents. I haven't been eating healthy because I literally can't afford vegetables or anything that isn't a staple diet of things like pasta that my mother gave me, and spaghetti sauce which she also gave me. I splurged and bought pepsi and cereal. Woo. Half my friends don't talk to me anymore because of all my drama. There's more than one person who likes me and I don't like any of them except one and I'm so entirely terrified that I'm going to fuck it up that I think I'm fucking it up and that scares me. I'm so stupid some days. And with all this going on, now she tells me she's proud of me. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously fucking with my head? I think it's because I'm showing up my brother. My parents and I started fighting when I was about 14, which was about the time my brother started slacking off, and was the first (yes, FIRST, of many) time he dropped out of school. They became so uber-tight with me that I couldn't breathe without them wanting to know what grade I'd gotten on my breathing test.
...
Now all of a sudden I have a $10.50 an hour job with benefits and the possibility of tuition reimbursement, and my brother. Well. He quit Wendy's. He has since then went to Convergys and gotten a $9/hr job with the same perks. I told him what to do, I told him what to say, and yet he didn't do it. So he didn't get the better job. The only reason he got the job though was because my mother told him to go apply and get the job, or he'd better be gone by the morning.
Now. Now she's proud of me.
I've wanted to hear that for a long time. And I never did. And now I don't want it. It's too late for that. And I hate how that part of me is dead. I can be on good terms with my mother. But she'll never be my mother again. The only reason I made it through life at home was because I pretended I didn't need her approval. Now I really don't need it, and I have it. I want a mother, I want a maternal figure. But she'll never be that to me again. She's just a person I know.
I got really quiet after she told me she was proud of me but I kept it together. Then we got off the phone shortly thereafter. And I sat there and watched them play Naruto. And it was fine. And I decided to go outside. I swear I'm going to buy a chair and put it on that porch because I sit outside so much. More than anyone else who lives here. I was sitting outside and I just started crying. And I couldn't stop. Not loud obnoxious crying but quiet sobbing I guess. And he came out. And I didn't want him to see me crying. Because I look bad enough normally, I look worse after I've been crying. But he sat with me. And I felt bad because I've brought more drama into his life in the past four days than probably anyone else he's ever known. I'm not usually like this. I swear.
She told me she'd buy me food so I could eat healthily. I told her I'd be fine. I told her I just needed to get some money and then I could pay off bills and buy food and try to get a loan for a car.

What I couldn't tell him last night, because it sounds so cliche and girlish, is that when I'm around him, everything is so much better. When I'm sleeping next to him, everything else just dissapears. So when he asks me, "What are you thinking?" I don't have a response. Because I'm actually happy. Just happy. And I don't have worries filling my head, like every other hour of the day. Just contentedness.
And I hate how I'm so used to fucked up relationships. So when he looks in my eyes I get uncomfortable and look away. I hate how I'm secretly positive he thinks I'm stupid. I hate how I'm always worried about what I do, and yet I do it anyway. I hate how I'm slightly jealous when other girls talk to him, because he is a big flirt and has a lot of female friends. But I like that I can trust him. And when he says something, he means it. And how he wouldn't hurt me. And I hate how hard that is for me to accept. I do accept it, but I have to keep reminding myself.

Someone gets me, for the first time in a while. And he's been gone for an hour only and already I want him back here so when I go to sleep I can hear him breathing again. And I'll put up with all the cold in the world just to have that feeling.

I'm not possessive. And I understand that things are still kind of up-in-the-air. And if he decides that I'm not quite what he's looking for, if he's looking for anything right now at all, I'd understand. But it's so nice to have someone there.

I really can't say a lot more. I think I crossed the creepy boundary a long time ago. And that's what I'm terrified of. If I talk about how I feel I sound creepy and obsessed. I'm not. I'm just happy. I don't want to lose something because I sound creepy.

Someone lost the last few pages to my Perks of Being a Wallflower book. This makes me really sad. That book is amazing. Now I have to buy a new one because it's missing pages. I lend my books out to people assuming I'll get them back in the same condition. My books are neatly organized in order of author's last name. I always use a bookmark instead of putting them spine down or dogearing the page. So why is it that people just ruin my things that I'm so passionate about? It just makes me upset. I'm not obsessive compulsive. But books mean a lot to me.

I have to wake up for work in five and a half hours. If you'll excuse me I'm going to go pass out. I'm sorry if you're dissapointed by my ramble. I never say anything interesting, I know. I figure eventually people will stop reading and then, well, we all win. I type randomly and find out things about myself, and well, you all don't have to listen to me.

I hate drama. I run from drama. But drama seems to follow me.

Mach 2 has recently started pestering not only me, but my friends, begging me to come back to him. That's what sickens me is that he honestly thinks I'm going to come back to him if he cries and begs long enough. What he doesn't understand is that I don't love him anymore. Sure, there will always be that part of me with the fond memories of him, because of what he represented to me, a first love, loss of virginity, etc. But I don't love him like I did. He doesn't make me happy anymore like he used to in the beginning. He just makes me sad. Really sad. Because I know what we could have, and he's right. We could have had something good. But I'm officially giving up. I'm not going back to him, I'm not going back to that. It's time I cut my losses and moved on. I know relationships are about hard work but when one person is doing all the work, it doesn't work. And it used to be me doing all the work. And right now it's Mach 2 doing all the work. And I don't want to try with him anymore. I want to find someone who will work with me all the time, not just in the face of a breakup. I hate breaking up. I cry every time. I cry hard. And he's made me cry too many times. I'm not going back. No matter how hard he begs, no matter all the promises he's sure to make me. I'm not going back. So I wish he'd leave me alone and leave my friends alone. He's not going to bully me into it this time. He's not going to tear at my heart strings until it's torn in half. Fuck this and fuck you.

Last night I took the final step in moving on. And I loved it. A lot. I'm over you. Officially and forever. So please stop bothering me and please stop bothering my friends. You can be friends with them, that's fine. But don't do it in an attempt to get back with me. I'm not taking you back. And that's final. And I don't want to bring any more drama to their lives. There is no drama, here, don't you understand that? I've made up my mind, now respect my wishes. Because there's nothing to say to change my mind. Find a new girl. You're charismatic, you can find someone.

Mach 1's dog is funny. She doesn't have a tail so when she gets excited, she wiggles her whole butt. This sounds a lot less amusing than it actually is.

So the truth is I actually do know what I want. But I'm willing to take whatever I'm allowed to have. So yeah I'm not going to say what I want ultimately because I know it's not the time or situation for that. So right now I take what I can get. Because I need it. And I'm happy with whatever happens. Really. Whatever happens.

I can't say a lot right now because drama is at an all time high. I wish it would just go away.

Though as for last night, I want a rematch. Very few people will/may understand this reference.

This is why I don't like second hand information. This is why I like to talk to people. This is why I stopped being afraid of confronting people. Because everything gets lost in translation. Especially when the translators have motives of their own. At least things are sorted out. Kind of?

I tossed my cellphone at the couch, missed, and hit the wall. The green light on the front of it never turns off now. It kills my battery like nothing else. Fuck.

I'm all alone in this apartment right now. It's weird. Really weird.

It's not funny. It's really weird for me and it kind of fucks up what I'm doing right now. Because what if it doesn't get better? What if they keep at it? Ahhh.

Sometimes there's nothing to say to fix it.

I got a job. That's good news.

I'm going to talk a lot because I have a lot to say and nobody to say it to. And now that I've got those godforsaken fake nails taken off, I can type a lot faster and a lot more efficiently.

I will replace names when I feel they are deserving in having names replaced.

I recently left Mike (that is, Mach 2 for those of you who get them confused). I know, this sounds familiar, right? I left him and he came crawling back to me, begging for forgiveness and another chance. And like an idiot, I gave it to him. And it was amazing. For all of about a month. And then he went back to his selfish moronic ways. Truth be told, I loved him with every fiber of my being. I would have done anything for him, and I did. I compromised everything I stood for, by going back to my parents. I just wanted to make him happy. But ultimately, he loves himself more than anyone else. And that's how it's always going to be. And I'm not trying to sound petty or immature when I say this, but he's always going to be the selfish little boy that his mother raised, because he's happy in doing so. I lost myself in him. I didn't want to differentiate between the two of us. I was him and he was me. But after the last time, I could tell it wasn't the same. And I wouldn't admit it. oh no. Because I was "happy." And my entire life I've been searching for some place or some person to call home and I was scrabbling, clinging to him, hoping he was it. Hoping maybe I could find a family within his, and a home in his arms. When in reality all I was finding was emptyness. I tried to fill the emptyness with him, but all that lead to, was him distancing himself from me, and the gaping chasm of a void of my soul grew larger. I guess nobody finds happiness at 18, but I need someone. I need someone to be there with me or else I falter. I fall and fail if I try to do it alone. I've been living my life alone since the day I was birthed. My parents were that type of parent. Let me run into a wall and sort out bandaids and bruises myself. I want someone to love me. Is that so much? Am I so wrong?
My issue right now has nothing to do with Mike. It has nothing to do with leaving him. I've been preparing myself for this since I left him last time. We all knew it was going to happen, the question was how long would it be. I'm entirely detached from him. I loved him, yes, but we're not right for each other. These things happen. I'm done. I'm not heartbroken in the least. I'm having a crisis right now because I desperately completely don't want to be alone. You don't understand. I can't stand to be alone right now.

Several of my friends have stopped calling me. I understand that my crisis with love and family and housing and transportation is enough to drive anyone insane. But I'm living it. And excuse me if I inconvenience you by needing a ride if we hang out. Excuse me for being put in a situation that I, quite frankly, don't want to be in. But to quit calling a friend because of problems, is vain. I don't do that to people. I stick by people in their troubles. I wish people would do the same for me.

I want to start going to clubs at night. I need to find a reckless crowd. I want to go out and drink and party and dance and smoke and not have a care in the world. I want to come home at five in the morning and pass out on someone's couch next to someone I'd just met that evening, in my clubbing clothes and shoes, with a glass of coke and vodka in my hand. I want to experience the life I never got to experience before 18. I may not legally be able to drink at this age. But that's what overage friends are for. I want to go to a fetish club in vinyl and metal. I want to go to a rave and trip my ass off on acid. I want to be successful in school. I want to get a job. I want to fix my life. I want to live.

I've liked someone for quite some time now. It's always been an underlying factor in our friendship. It's pretty obvious to anyone who knows the two of us or has spent any amount of time in the presence of both of us at once. I've always been in a relationship with Mach 2, though, since I've known him. Funny story is he actually asked Mach 2 if I was seeing anyone, on the side, while I was dating Mach 2, when he first met me. This made me giggle. Just a little. Now mind you I'm not one to jump out of one relationship and into another. I guess I'm just looking for a friend. And the problem is that I really like him as a friend, and would like to spend more time around him because he's a good guy. But I think he sees it as me trying to move in on him. I don't know if he'll read this. I honestly hope not. (I think that's why I can confess myself so well to my myspace. Because the only people who read this, sometimes, are Thomas and Andrew. And even then I don't think they care.) I don't want to move in on him. He deserves a lot better than me for several reasons. I'm too tall and people don't like that. It's come to my attention that people perceive tall girls as dominant. News flash, people, we're not all dominatrix. I do WHATEVER the other person wants to do. Sure, sometimes I'm in a dom or sub specific mood. But 99.9% of the time I'll let them decide if they want me to do all the work or just be enthusiastic. Or a combination. But I digress to a tangent. Second thing is, seriously, can you say baggage? A girl who's primarily physically unappealing, except to the fetishists, and knows it, is bound to have some type of serious fucked up emotional issues. And I do. I know that people don't find me attractive unless they want me to dominate them. This is the life of a tall, headstrong girl. I just... I want someone to hold on to right now. Not permanently hold on to. I'm not looking for someone to call mine. I mean if I ended up there, fine, we'll figure things out from there. But I just want someone to hold me. Even if they're pretending I'm someone else. I just want body warmth. I want passion. I want lust. I want unyielding desire. I just want someone to fuck me. Over and over again. I'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but pain and problem. I want to escape into sexual ecstacy. I heard someone say, once, that sex is the closest you can get to nirvana. And I thought they were crazy. Until, well, I realized they're right. And I don't mean a quickie in-out on with life. I mean rough skin-clawing, neck-biting, ass-grabbing, hair-pulling, good hard sex. That moment of ecstacy, when you fall off the person and you want to cuddle up next to them but for the life of you, you can't move, because you're so entirely thoroughly exhausted and trapped in that post-orgasmic fantasy, that, that moment is better than any high or any other state of being you could possibly be in, ever. I don't care if you're a Buddhist Monk who just found the meaning to life (and found out it's not 42). I want one night of that. And then someone to sleep next to. Just so I can listen to them breathe, and breathe in sync with them. I always do that. If I sleep next to someone, if I can hear them breathe, I always sync up our breathing. It makes me feel connected. I used to think that if we could get everyone breathing at the same time as everyone else in the world, then maybe we could understand humankind better. That's what it means to me. And I've never told anyone that. And I don't know why I'm typing it now.

I don't know how I got off on a tangent. I guess that's what happens when I just type. This is all unaltered, uncensored, entirely brutally honest text.

He's such a good guy and he deserves so good. He doesn't deserve what that girl is doing to him. And I don't know why she doesn't see it. Because honestly, I hate to say it because it makes me sound like a bitch, but he deserves better than her. And if she can't figure that out, then she's got a brain tumor or something. And she better jump on that deal fast before he figures out what the rest of us already know. And if it makes them happy, fantastic. But I'm so afraid it will make the two of them happy like Mach 2 and I were "happy." We were never happy. We tried so hard but it didn't work. And everyone knew it. I want him to be happy. If it's with this girl with the bad haircut, great for them, I really honestly do hope she sorts shit out and they're happy together. Because it's more important to me that my friends are happy, than if I'm happy. I'm not going to lie and say I don't like him and I don't wish I could be that girl. I mean, he's a good guy and he's attractive. What girl in their right mind WOULDN'T think that way about him? But alas. I am too fucked up. It's so late and I'm so tired I don't know how to word this anymore. I'll never be that girl to anyone. I guess that's what I get for being picky. The ones who slip in through the pickyness, are too picky to like me.
This is what I hoped would happen. In the short term, anyway. I don't know what I'm doing in the long run. I don't want love. I don't want a relationship. I'm so messed up. I just want fun. I just want someone to cuddle up with. You have no idea how many times I almost asked Joe to sit next to me so I could lean against him just so I could feel connected to someone. But I was afraid he'd take that the wrong way. And the difference is, as much as I like Joe and would totally choose to hang out with him any day of the week, I don't really want to sleep with him nor do I want to portray that impression. Especially due to some of the girls he brings home (ew?). I almost asked this other guy the same thing. But I know that would make him uncomfortable. It's one thing for us to wrestle. That's a joke. It's all a big joke. And I like wrestling. I like having fun. But at the end of the day, I just want to sleep pressed up against someone, lulled to sleep by the sound of another heartbeat. Just once again. It's like a drug though. I say once, and I mean once. But "once you pop, you just can't stop"? I don't know. I crave affection. I understand what Thomas was trying to say to me one day. I miss Thomas. I think he and I would have some good conversations now that I know what he means.

So I keep getting off on tangents. Yes, I do consider him to be a good friend of mine. Yes, I'm not denying that I do have a crush on him. Yes, I do realize this makes him incredibly uncomfortable. No, I'm not sorry for this. I'm a bit crazy some days. Yes, I would really like to sleep with him. But it's not all about carnal pleasures. Granted, a good enough percentage of it is. But I just want ... affection, I guess. And I don't care that eventually he will go back to one of the girls that are chasing after him. This is the story of my life. Right now I just want to escape and I was hoping he could help me, if I may be so daring as to say it. But even at that, I'm not good enough for that. "flirting, but it will never go anywhere." That's all anyone sees of me. Nobody gives me a chance. They always assume I'm this headstrong bitch who's dominant in every respect. ugh I'm getting off on a tangent.

My hands are falling asleep and so is my brain. I'm going to head off to sleep. I'm sure I'll continue this rant on other subjects at a later date.

So Mike and I are back together. And I know some of you are going "omg wtf lol bbq what in the hell are you thinking." Yeah I know. I'm not going to get into the details because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't me discussing it just as much as I don't really feel like sitting here and typing it all out to the entire world. But basically all you guys need to know is that the boy who came to me Saturday night and the boy who I spent the ensuing 30 hours with, is not the boy I've been with these past few months. I guess you never really know what you have until it's gone. And now he knows what he has, and what he doesn't want to lose. Again. Yes, there's work to be done. Yes, it's going to take time. But yes, this time the both of us are fully and completely invested in it.

So yes. We're back together, and I'm happy. Really honestly happy. Having him next to me in my bed for the past two nights, like it used to be, was spectacular. I don't think I could have been happier. Not even with a pony or a lifetime supply of Hershey's chocolate. Or even a chocolate pony. Yes, that's right. A chocolate pony.

Superbowl was... well... interesting. I thought the whole hiding-shenanigans-from-the-8-year-old was funny as shit. Because nobody finds it awkward when you're randomly holding your hand behind furniture. Hahah.

Oh and I told him I'm not taking out the lip ring. He said fine. I win. Bahaha.