i want to write about how much my soul hurts and how i don't know why. and about how today i saw stars and nearly passed out while experiencing a minor stressful situation and how frightening it was. and how i love this town but after a while the smallness of it makes me sad and alone feeling no matter how many people i know i run into while biking across town. how i think about if you could see, like actually physically see like thread or string how connected we all are to each other here and just how small the degrees of separation are it would creep other people out as much as it does me. or maybe if you're from here you're just used to it. it makes me want to leave. it makes me want to go someplace where i can meet people that i think i don't know and find that they don't actually have an unpleasant story to tell about somebody i do know. i think i'm a pessimist, or i am today. 

i want to write about these things to get them out, but i'm also conflicted about putting them out here in public, why is blogging so acceptable? if i had this pinned to my shirt it would be a whole different story.

sometimes people do things inadvertently that cause a shit storm of emotional bullshit to happen in your chest. sometimes four or five different people and maybe a dog can all gang up on you with completely different accidental shit storms that magically combine forces to become a shit hurricane, a perfect storm that sends all of your figurative awnings flying and living rooms flooding and you have no carefully devised escape plan to save you. you never see it coming, and how are they to know? the raft that holds your heart is tossed and pummeled, but your heart goes on struggling to keep hold of the twelve pack of pabst and the memory of sunshine you managed to salvage, small reminders of normality.

whatever, melodramatic.

look, there are some things that, despite being happy times, i just don't want to remember all at once because it makes me fucking sad. don't remind me.

i'm waiting to board my flight home. i had a double shot of delicious well vodka for the affordable price of $10.23. i hate flying, and flying sans drugs even more. when i get home, i need booze. booze and vegetables. i'm dying. winter be damned, i'm excited to get back. oh people's food coop, i love you so. you and your delicious local produce.
cheers. i miss you.

yeah, that's what i just did. not on purpose of course, it just sort of always happens. every time i say something honest. so every time i open my mouth.
separate family functions galore, mom's side/dad's side. last night at dad's side my brother convinced me to play a karaoke singing video game with him. we sang i will survive. actually he sang i will survive, i was too sober to deal with my reality so i pretended to be laughing too hard to sing. there's nothing like seeing your 6'3" brother singing falsetto into a microphone connected to a television. it was sort of amusing. he's a really good guy, they're all good people, just so....normal. after the karaoke i decided to drink, but had to ask dad for the car keys to go get beer. then he asks me what i'm going out for. i say "beer". the whole room stops, "haven't you already been drinking?" "i had one beer two hours ago". silence. concerned stares. "well, i'll be right back then". more silence. when i got back with the beer it was suddenly time to leave.
cher is so fly. she's on ellen right now. i am hanging out with my mom's side, which consists of watching whatever my grandma wants on television. i'm surprised she'll watch a queer. maybe she doesn't know. t.v. is really, really scary, but cher is looking damn good. ellen doesn't look so bad herself.
i've got to get ready to bail before the family members that i refuse to be around show up. this will also make my grandma cry. and when i come back, she will say over and over that she just doesn't understand why i can't stay to make them happy. and when i say, because it doesn't make me happy, she will cry some more.
happy holidays.

you wonder how much small details can change things. all these tiny decisions, most of the time you don't even know they're happening. then something slips by and later you think, what if... huh. weird. i don't regret anything that i've done, i just get curious curious curious. winter makes me maybe a little nostalgic sometimes i guess and i start thinking about all these small things that happened in the past, nothing in particular, and it's funny when things you never even thought about suddenly surface and become relevant. maybe it's just me. life can throw some surprising shit in your face sometimes, and what they say about hindsight, it's funny. not funny ha ha, funny like being punched in the gut by a surprisingly strong senior citizen or having your foot run over by a horse drawn carriage. what if i had done this one thing. would it count the way i want now back then? probably not, right, just not how it works. i guess you've just got to try to go through the day with your eyes all the way open, make it what you want in the now.. this is all pretty cryptic, but i'm not going to tell you what i'm talking about. this has no conclusion.

waiting for the election results makes me feel like i'm going to vomit! that is all.

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i'm sorry

i can't escape the inability

to deal with anything that's

going on in my life

or in your life

or anywhere

i have disconnected

it was inadvertent

but i guess it doesn't seem unnatural

and i want you to know i'm never trying

to be malicious

i'm just trying to survive

 

my soul consists of black birds

flying around and round

they try to land but the branches

just keep falling to the ground

 

if i

had realized it was our anniversary day

i may not have come over

because that is probably the wrong thing to do

but like i say

i am so fucking out of it

i can't even figure out

why i am doing anything

my motivation comes from this

impulsive monster in my gut

and maybe i like it that way

and maybe i can't tell

 

it's a jumble of feathers and bony feet

and maybe more keep getting in

i so wish they could be at rest

but the branches are all too thin

dear infection,

  this letter is in regards to your recent inhabitation of my sinus cavity. i realize that in this day and age, an age of antibiotics, bacteriophages, cold remedies, lemon-ginger tea, and other modern miracles, that it can be tough being an infectious bacterium. you must constantly dodge the hurdles that humanity has created in response to your activities and it must be a lonely existance with everyone always "out to get you", as they say. it must feel like quite the accomplishment to have taken up residence in my face, yes, you've made it, bravo. however, i regret to inform you that i have recently come to the conclusion that being your host is exceedingly uncomfortable, not to mention a terrible waste of time, and your efforts are unfortunately not appreciated here. i ask that you please vacate the premesis, that being my sinus cavity, so that i may go on living comfortably without your presence. i apologize for the inconvenience of a swift eviction, but i must insist that you and your kin find a new host to invade, and please sweep up and tidy as well. if you are timely in your retreat i will gladly write a letter of recommendation to any prospective hosts you may encounter. thank you kindly.
regretfully yours,
ivy

  i woke at four thirty this morning confused as hell because the bed was gently rolling back and forth and the windows were rattling in thier sills. i had actually been sleeping peacefully and dreaming intensely about something i don't recall, and when i woke i was so out of it i wasn't sure where i was, but i thought i must be at my folks' house in california because MICHIGAN DOES NOT shake back and forth in the wee hours of morning. that's an earthquake. when i realized i was in my home i was really confused. i looked to see if the dog was kicking the bed or if maybe i was being violently yet gently attacked by evil bed-wobbling spirits, something, anything else that could have been causing it. nope. i sort of resolved myself to it being the end of the world for a moment, waited for an explosion of lights or a terrible sound, some indication of armageddon, nothing. no, it must have all been in my head. we don't have earthquakes here. so i think, well, i'm a little crazy, it must have been a hallucination. i go back to sleep, uneasily, and forget about it when i wake up later,  having had nightmares about sea monsters made of zip ties and bits of sea garbage.
  Alas! it was a friggin earthquake! in illinois. the interweb news (and my mom via text message) told me so, and by god i felt the damn thing and it woke me up and made me feel like a crazy person. which i am, but generally comfortable with my level of insanity, i was convinced i was moving up a rung on the mental illness ladder. ha! i win for today, but now .....earthquakes!