I remember sleeping in the big, white mosquito net next to my mom.
I remember a pet squirl that ran away and I was happy for him.
I remember bringing the baby bottle to kindergarten and everyone was teasting me.
I remember playing with mom's jewelry; ruby, emeral and diamond (real stuffs).
I remember mom went to japan and brought back a Music box that plays "Sayonara".
I remember the sound of music played by frogs and toads after the rain.
I remember sleeping next to my mom at night and her skin was cool.
I remember sitting on mom's lap and she kissed me and kissed me and kissed me.
I remember going to the beach first time and I had a fever, so I can't get into the water.
I remember Moo, my first friend in second grade. She is the only one who calls me "Pons". Everyone else call me "JIM+"
I remember my brother's drawings on his notebook and was amazed.
I remember reversing the letters and numbers when I was young and thought I was crazy.
I remember wearing a new sweater knitted by my mom every year.
I remember dad made us return the Beatle's record because he did not like them.
I remember got on the airplane solo when I was 7.
And many, many more memories that make me smile thinking about it.

First thing that I remember was during the car ride when we moved to a new town was "Where are my rabbits?". Mom told me that the rabbits dug the tunnels under the ground and will stay there till we can go get them, but we never did. I think we gave them away. dad had to moved every 5 years. This time we lived in the town surrounded by the mountain. There was no plane or train. The only way in and out is by a Land Rover or a jeep. My brother and I both had our own nanny. She would carry me around every where and my wish was her command.
Beside nannies, we had maids, cooks, gardeners and scheffers. We only had electricity during the day so people can works. At night we had several herricane lamps around the house. I remember sitting on the swing with my dad at night looking at the sky. I can see so many stars and the moon was so big and bright.
Mom started her own social scene. She invited all the ladies to come and tried out her homemade facial cream and had lunch. Mom would bake cookies and cakes and made vanilla icecream in summer. We also grew strawberry and grape.
I played with my brother a lot. I like to follow him around. We played with playdough and he would drew some cartoon for me. There were times when he went into the wood with the servant, I was not allowed to go and I was mad. I was a girl so go play with the doll, they said.
I had a heartache when my parents decided to send my brother to Boarding school in Bangkok. One year later they send me. I was only 5 years old.
We stayed with my mom's friend so she can dropped me off at school the next day. I remembered waiting for mom to come to bed because it would be the last night I got to sleep with her for a long time, but mom kept talkng to her friend. Mom told me later that she cried for a month after she got home. Me, on the other hand was happy to be with my brother. He later moved to another school and we only saw each other once a month.
I stayed with mom's friend on weekend. Her daughter entered the contest on radio where they play a few notes of music and she had to tell the name of the song and the singer. She listen to the music 24-7. She did not listen to the Thai music. It was all rock-n-roll. Import music from England and US. My brother and I thought it was so cool. We walked around the house singing "We all live in a yellow submarine". I also spend lots of times infront of the TV watching American's movies like; Leave it to Beaver, Gun smoke, Lost in Space, etc. Just to name a few. It was fun but I do missed my mom a lot.

Grandpa lived in a small shack with palm leaves that had been sewn together tightly as a roof. The floor was a black dirt that had been packed tightly. It was shiny black floor. Without anybody looking, I took off my shoes and put on little feet on the floor. It was cool to the touch. My feet got dirty and I was in big trouble.
Grandma passed away at when I was 4. She had cancer and was dying so they moved her into Women Hospital in Bangkok. At the same time my dad came to US for a month long conference and training with the tobacco company. The night before grandma died, I had high fever, got seizure and went into coma for 10 days. Mom stayed with me the whole time. She did not go to her own mother's funeral.
Grandpa got another wife and build another shak near by. He started cutting people hair and his wife had a small eatery. She was a good cook. During summer, we went to visit them. Over the mountain, and through the wood, it took about 6-7 hours in the car. Grandpa had a big smile and was happy to see us. I like their little shak but my dad did not like to stay long. Dad thought of himself as a upper class and mom's family as a lower class, aka, poor people. His wife would cook our favorite dishes with fresh vegetable from their garden and fresh friuts that were ripen on the trees.
During a final exam in English class  my freshman year in college, one of grandpa's story saved my life. 3 mean English teachers gave us a stack of pictures and we had to choose one picture than tell the story about it in ENGLISH.
I picked up a picture of a man with a scissor. Here is my the story.
"My grandfather was a barber. One day and old man came to get a hair cut. It was a warm summer day and the man fell asleep. Grandpa finished cutting his hair and tried to wake him up but he couldn't. That poor man passed away. A month later, during the night, grandpa heard a noise on the roof (they changed the roof from palm leaves to tin roof). It sound like someone threw the pebbles on to the roof. In the morning they found some pebbles on the ground. Those pebbles had distinctive feature and they only found miles and miles away from town. It happened every night for a week. Finally grandpa went to see the psychic who told him that the man that died during the hair cut wanted to pay for the service so he threw the pebbles on to the roof.  Grandpa had a ceremony and tell the man that he was forgiven and did not have to pay. No more pebble on the roof." The end.
Those 3 ladies did not like me. I cut class, did not turn in my homework and did so poor on the test, but they like the story. They gave me an A.

My mom and my dad were totally oppersite. Mom liked to socialize, had a lot of friends, went to the movies, threw a party and travelled. She was very crafty. She can knitted, croched, sew, and cooked delicious dish. Hummm....kinna like me. She was very kind and generous. She was a member of the Red Cross and represent the Queen of Thailand to help people out when the desaster strike. Mom also liked music and ballroom dancing, but we mostly played music when dad was not home. At the party, she will get the first dance with dad and spend the rest of the night dancing with other guys.  LOL Dad just depressed all the time. He always worried about his works. Not so fun to be around. He had his way and everyone had to do it his way, or else.
After came back from Philippine, dad got a job with the tobaco company. They send him to the North province where the weather is cooler suitable to grow tobaco. When the new, young bachelor came to town, they threw a party for him. They called mom's name and she went on stage to sing, Dad came back stage and asked whether she could remember him.
They got married a year later. dad said he like her strength and bravery. Dad was well educated, got a good job, making good money. An ideal husband, by everyone else openion.
Mom quited her nursing job and became a housewife. Dad had to moved from town to town. Mom had a big red doctor's briefcase full with surgery equiptments and first aids kit that she barely used. She once used a curved needle to sew up my teddy bear. I played with it when I was young.
Mom took good care of dad. She also took good care of people who worked for the company which include the farmer who grew tobacco too. They all loved mom, more than dad. During the Thai New years day, April 13, she invited 200 people to come for a picnic. We cooked all the food and I had so much fun. People will come just to see what she made. Peobably the first time or only time in their lives that they get to eat roased turkey or Apple pie.
Mom died of the heart failure. I went home and dad cried with me and tell me how angry he was and she died and left him. How could she?
I didn't get along well with my dad. We got angry at each other a lot. I knew he was proud of me but he never say it. I ended up living here in US. My brother took care of him which was not an easy task. Dad turned into an angry old man and say the smae things and told the same stories over and over. A few years before he passed, I went home and he was calm and we talked and we made peace with each other. I'm glad I had a chance to do that. Now, I don't wait to tell my love one that I love them. You never know what would happen tomorrow.
I am turning into my mother. Mom always told me to get a job and go back to work after I have kids but I never did. I craft, knitted, corchet, cook and take care of my family.
Mom and her mom passed away before they turned 60. I have to watch out. If I could live pass 60, then I will live to near 100 just like my dad. It is a scarely thought, really.

Mom was born and grew up on the Northern part of Thialnd. Women in that region were known for their pale, fair skin, their shy manner and beautiful smile. The most sort after wife-to-be, if you can. After finished school, mom moved back to her parents house. It was a small shak with dirt floor and covered with palm leaves. In the distance was a hospital. One day a young doctor came with his wife and family. They were looking for help build the new hospital. Grandpa worked the construction, grandma and mom got to help with patients because there was no nurse. Medicine was hard to find, so they learn to make their own medicine and quinin. Grandpa had to stand guard. The doctor gave mom the Anatomy and Text book to study. Of course, evey books were in English. Mom help with the surgery, pulling teeth, sew up the wounds and lots of other fun stuff. The doctor and his wife decided to send mom to Bangkok so she can attend the Nursing School, so off they went. Mom told me it took 1 week to get through the mountains and jungles before they made their way to Bangkok.
Mom was not so popular at first. She was a peasent, until they had to study Anatomy and mom seemed to know everything before she even open the text book. All the intern doctors lined up to take her out. Not only she was pretty, she was very smart. Most doctors came from the rich family so mom lived a high life; dining at the restaurant, went to the movies, dancing through the hi-so social scene, dressed up in a nice clothing.
Then the war broke up. The Japanese tried to take over Bangkok. The American send the warpalne to bomb the transportaion center. The hospital that mom worked was next to the railroad station, they send most doctors and nurses home but mom elected to stay.
Everyday when the siren whealing, mom would help other nurses and patiants walked down to the basement and brought them back up after that. Other nurses had told me how brave mom was and they owe their lives to her. Mom told me she was so scared but had to step up and became a leader.
After the war, mom went back home and help ran the hospital. She told me that all the rich doctors who had wanted to marry her never show up.
During the war, mom had a patient who was so impressed with her because she was the only nurse who came in to clean the room. She took everything off the shelf and clean throughly everything. Mom did not pay much attention to the guy, until one day, after she went back to her home town and that patient showed up and asked her to marry him. That was my dad.
I don't know if I can live up to her legacy.

I did not know that "Me" is such a big deal until I met someone who makes me feel "Special". He was able to convince me that it is important and it is ok to be "Me" and to put "Me" first, sometime.
I thought it would be selfish as a "Wife" and "Mother" to put "Me" first. I always try to be a good daughter, a good girlfriend, a good student, a good wife and a good mom. Lots of pressure to be put on myself. The higher the standard, the lower my self-esteem.
I had to look back to my roots, my childhood, my parents and grandparents to be able to understand what had become of me. My Grandfather (my father's side) left Mainland China, with a shirt on his back, got on a boat and headed to seek a better life in Thailand. He got a job, worked hard, gota wife, a house, had 7 kids, become a richest  merchant in town. Both Grandma and Grandpa lived almost till 100 years old, so I have a good gene. My mom's dad came from the small village upnorth. He came down the mountain, married my grandma. Mom used to tell me that her mom's family had several looms and they weaved silk and cotton fabric. Their design were so elebrorated that people travelled from other village to come and watch. Both me and my brother are Artists. 
Dad  came from rich family, mom was so poor, they had to send her away to be a maid, working for a family in another town. She had a chance to go to school, but had to do housework and gathered the vegetable to sell at the market for extra cash. Dad went to the best school in bangkok. He wore white uniform and black leather shoes to school. Last year in high school, he was up for a scholarship from the King so he could study abroad and become a doctor. He got second place and decided to repete the whole school year. He got second place again. Mom walked barefoot to school wearing an old ragged cloth. She finished Grade school but they did not have a highschool near by so she continue to work. Then she had a chance to go to Nursing school. More on that later.
I though this is a good start for my story about "Me". Don't you think?

I wonder if everyone understands how much I love my daughter, Ada. Oh, sure, everyone loves their kids, but I have to say that I love Ada more, more than I love my other two sons, and they know it.
My mom loved me very much, I could feel it. I have one older brother and a younger one who died at birth. i'm sure it was tough.
My mom passed away while I was here. People who were with mom told me that I was the last thing on her mind before she passed. She kept saying how much she missed me and wanted to see me. My brother finally gave me a call 10 days after that. It was one of the worse days of my life.
I decided that I wanted a baby. To replace mom, maybe. It felt like it was the right time. The moment that I saw Ada, I was laying on the bed and the nurse put Ada next to me. I gave her my pinky and she held it tight. Her whole little hand wrapped around my finger. It was the love at first sight. That little baby needed me to take care of her. For 23 years, she had grown from little girl to a beautiful young woman. She is my daughter and my best friend.
We put her in bed with us when we got her home and she slept with us for many years. The night before the accident, she was in my bed with a bag of chips. She told me about life in Paris. She wanted to go back, marry david, find a job, and that I can live with her. She kissed me goodnight and left. 10 minutes later, god handed me another daughter, this one is broken.
Sure I still have Ada, but the other daughter that I used to have was full of life, happy. a perfect daughter any mom would want. Seeing her first time at the hospital, I could feel all the pain and suffering that Ada had to go through. That girl needs me to take care of her.
Bringing Ada home was like bringing a new born baby home all over again. I have to feed her, bath her, change diaper and stay up all night make sure she is ok. Except this time the baby is bigger and taller than me.
It had been 10 months since she has left the hospital and nursing home and is now back at our house, she is making progress. She is walking, eating and laughing and re-learning new skills everyday. We don't know how much she had left in her brain, but we still can see her personallity shines through.
I love Ada, an old one, a new one, who ever. She is my daughter. and my best friend.
Hugs

Remember the song that goes " Everyday she takes a morning bath, she washes her hair, Wraps a towel around her and heads for the bedroom chair, it just another day".
Everyday when I open my eyes, I wish it will be just that; simple. I just take care of myself, get a cup of coffee and get on with my life. Instead, I wake up and prepare myself for what ever life would throw at me. If there is a man up there who looks after us, I beg him to spare my sanity.
I am trying to look at the brightside, the good side, but I am just a human being. I feel angry, sad, feeling lonely, abandon. The dark side is always overlapped by the bright side. Everyday I put the blanket over my head and hope to be standing on Mars when I emerge out from under the blanket.
I put up the wall around me. I don't want anybody to see how weak I am. I cried a lot to myself, so I can leave the impression to others that I am so strong and in control. It is tough being me, regardless of the tragedy.
I grew up thinking something was wrong with me. May be it is, may be not. I am trying to make peace with myself. may be I can make peace with others.
Today is another day, except that I went to our polymer clay guild meeting and spend time with my friends. Then back to reality.
I am still hurting my head from things that i said last night. I hope my friend can forgive me. I promise that I will try harder.
Ah... stay, don't stand her up, and he comes and he stays but he leaves the next day, so sad.....sometime I feel so sad.

Well, blogging is good for me. It is like going to therapy, except I am talking to myself instead of the therapist. I am not good at "talking". Everytime I want to say something to someone, all the words seem disappear from my head. I find it hard to start or carry on a conversation with a stranger. In a social setting, I will sit in the back row or stay at the conner, or stay very close to a person I know. Most of the time people think I don't understand the language well. Definitely, can't talk infront of the crowd or infront of the class.
But when I start blogging, the words just flow through my fingers. 2 fingers would be excact. I type with 1 finger from the left hand and 1 finger from the right LOL and I have to look at the keyboard to type. I also have mild dyslexia, so what I see is not what I think I see sometime.
I also cannot read for long. I mean it is hard for me to read my own blog after I finished. So I did not expect people to read my blog but I found out that many people have and they enjoy it.
Not that I am so good at writing, I think the words I write just came from my heart and it is easy to read. I just say it like it is and me, what you see is what you get, if you can look at me with your open heart.
Growing up in the culture that experssing yourself is not encouraged, it is difficult for me to say no or to say I don't like that or this is how I fell or this is what I think. I am learning to let people know how I feel, what I think and let my loved ones know I how i feel about them.
I still have to overcome a few more issues in my life, just like anybody. I hope someday I can make peace with myself and live happily everafter.
By the way, I have a blog that I write about my works (www.silastones.blogspot.com), 1 blog that I write about tutorials (www.polymerclaybeads.blogspot.com) and 1 blog about my daughter, Ada (www.dearada.blogspot.com) . This blog will not be just another blog but it will be all about me.
Hugs