Steve van Gelder is more than just a double for newsworthy comedian and Howard Stern Show favorite Robert Schimmel.

Separated at birth: Steve van Gelder (l) and Bob Schimmel

In fact, he's a versatile and accomplished talent who's achieved notice as a tasteful Canuck rocker, prize-winning painter and self-hating corporate graphic artist.

Now, Steve is following the lead of other indie musicians who have given up on making money with their art by dumping his entire catalog on the Web via his new site, joefool.com.

A history in music

Steve's oeuvre includes six albums, ranging from 1992's Road Rash (recorded in Steve's native Toronto) to the 2008 Dallas solo production Long Hot Winter.

In between, Steve released three Joe Fool albums, Early Rains (1996), Garden (2000) and Guesthouse (2001) and teamed with Dallas pals Brandon Higgins (of Kicked In The Nuts fame) and Charlie Begue as the Karolinas for Big Record (2004).

Steve's perhaps most notable, however, for his oversized acrylic on wood art work Love Hurts, featuring my own stylized portrait, adorned with an audaciously bleeding heart.

Sample a few SVG tracks here. Then visit joefool.com for a whole lot more.

  Long Hot Winter

  Never Blue

  Velvet

  Train Song

turetzkysyndrome.com

Podcast: Big Phil's Love Parade
Dates: December 28, February 8, 15, March 22, 29, April 5, 19, May 4, 2009
Titles: It Was A Very Good Year, Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown, The Music Show No. 12, The Vast Wasteland, The Music Show No. 13, Betty And Cissie Are My Favorite GGG Girls, Rightwinger Tea Tastes Bitter, Twitter This!
Download the show: Show 166, Show 172, Show 173, Show 178, Show 179, Show 180, Show 182, Show 184

Big Phil's dieting. Identity in question, he's not sure whether he's really Big Phil, Bizarro Phil, Bald Phil (He confesses he's also stopped shaving his head!) or James Brown, the Godfather of Soul.

Which Phil is he today? "The Bizarro Phil, not...the Phil...Big Phil!" he replies triumphantly after some hesitation. Sigh.

Madison Avenue is shaken. Analysts suggest the U.S. $1B Big Phil brand could be up for grabs. Meanwhile, Phil Thompson, host of the popular podcast Big Phil's Love Parade, continues to try on new hats, seeking the best fit for his smooth dome.

Bizarro Phil -- A history

The first fissure appeared during the fall presidential campaign, when the Love Parade introduced a provocative new character named Bizarro Phil.

And just who is Bizarro Phil? He's a contrarian, Big Phil's doppelganger, the voice inside his head, the id to Big Phil's ego.

As the progressive-minded Big Phil launched weekly tirades against Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and other right-wing politicos, Bizarro Phil emphatically denounced purple asses and the Democratic Party.

Bizarro Phil was a disruptive force, undermining Big Phil's authority with the 6,000-plus fans who download the Love Parade podcast each and every month.

For instance, Big Phil took yet another week off -- I mean, presented one of his "famous" music shows -- and Bizarro Phil hosted a music show of his own, revealing that he was "whackin' off right now."

Also Sprach Bizarro Phil

When Barack Obama won the election, Big Phil proudly waved the flag with his own patriotic music mash-up, dubbing inspirational Obama speech snippets ("Yes we can!" blah blah blah) over the rousing Richard Strauss composition Also Sprach Zarathustra.

Bizarro Phil's ironic response? A kazoo orchestra interpretation of the same song, with Bizarro Phil asking the musical question, "I am so gay. How gay?"

Finally, a desperate Big Phil introduced a tip jar to his site and invited listeners to contribute. Only, Big Phil insisted, he would never "beg for money."

Bizarro Phil entertains no such compunction. "I am begging for money, to pay for my abortion," Bizarro Phil declared in a voice mail to Big Phil's hotline.

"Ken is always trying to make me say I'm gay!" Big Phil protests, somehow confusing me with his anarchistic nemesis. But "I myself am not gay," he reassures his audience.

Speak up for cheesy porn music

My interest in the outcome is simple. I've invested heavily in Big Phil and I'd like to see the enterprise continue to prosper. The Search Engine Optimization geniuses now squeezing the life out of Twitter will understand when I explain that Big Phil sends many suckers, I mean visitors, to my own site, where they read the blog, type Jesus Killer in the comment box and depart.

As an example, thanks to Big Phil, my site is No. 3 on Google for the phrase cheesy porn music.

That's how I described Big Phil's closing theme, brother Clay Thompson's Smooth Talker, which I informally retitled Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown.

And you know what? Cheesy porn music is very popular on Google, along with ass itches and other disreputable phrases that drive traffic my way.

Anyway, if Big Phil cracks up, insiders whisper that network execs are prepared to offer Bizarro Phil a generous package to take over the coveted Sunday night slot. Gotta have a backup plan!

On recent shows, Phil played my songs My Fat Ass Itches, People I Know, True Love, and They Found Me Dead, the latter two performed live at Bill's Records in Dallas.

Big Phil vs. Bizarro Phil

  Big Phil's favorite moments  (4:47).

  Also Sprach Bizarro Phil  (1:36).

  Big Phil is not gay  (2:41).

  Bizarro Phil begs for money  (0:48).

turetzkysyndrome.com

The time for panic will arrive soon enough.

As the Department of Homeland Security often reminds us, every American should know when to abandon all sense, cover your mouth and nose with a 10-cent dust mask from Home Depot and imagine you're bleeding internally.

But that moment is not here yet.

Nevertheless, these is tough times for pigs, what with Mexico's population decimated from the swine flu and Americans unsure who to blame for the potential pandemic. Should we blame the Mexicans or the pigs? Or the gays, unwed mothers, and for the hell of it, our old standby, the Jews?

Pig love

The blowback from swine flu has sidelined such popular acts as the Ham Bone Express, my old nemesis from the 2008 Fort Worth Mayfest, and I imagine some apprehension among 4-H families regarding the status of a good many midwestern county fairs scheduled for this summer.

From my perspective, I always enjoy visiting the Pig Barn and waiting patiently for a smiling, 4,000-pound swine, with an 8-digit tattoo on its left ham like an Auschwitz victim, struggle to its feet to enjoy a farewell scratch under the chin.

They're intelligent animals, really! Even smarter than dogs, which are really, really smart animals themselves!

News alert: Ham Bone Express sequestered!

Which brings me back to the Ham Bone Express. Whole hog excitement for your next event! pronounces its site, which also proclaims it champions of the dubious NPRA (National Pig Racing Association).

The proprietors write:

Greetings Ken,

Charlie and I just read your blog. You my friend are very funny.

At this point the public mood has not affected our bookings. However, we have made the choice to sequester our olympig racers to elevate the chance of suspect fair goers contaminating our precious pampered performers.

Thanks for your concern and keep on racing!

Charles and Carol Boger

Oh, how the sausage turns.

Almost exactly one year ago, I was performing on the Zone Stage at Mayfest 2008 in Fort Worth, vainly competing for audience share with the far more appealing Ham Bone Express. I didn't stand a chance.

"I'm not finished entertaining you yet!" I hollered as the crowd abandoned me for the bright lights and carny appeal of the neighboring pig races.

Wonder how those little piggies are feeling today? I'll bet current events have really got them on the run.

Have you heard about this swine flu epidemic?

Via @guidelivemusic on Twitter, I learn that Tarrant County Health Department authorities have canceled Mayfest 2009 "in the interest of public health and safety."

Seems a bad case of Texas Swine Flu Hysteria has upset the old corn dog cart. (Hats off to faddish social media, proving to be quite the valuable tool in helping foment viral spread of public health scares!)

Who's coughing now, Mayfest?

Actually, I'd been feeling a bit down since the Mayfest folks declined to bring me back for another run at that Ham Bone Express crowd. I don't think they appreciated my account of last year's festival.

Not feeling so bad any more. Except for a little cough, that is. Might be running a temperature, too. I think I'll go to the mall, hang out with the crowd and breathe some fresh air.

turetzkysyndrome.com

In case you're wondering where I've been the past week, well, I've been immersed in geek mode, attempting to produce a video that won't turn to mush on YouTube.

But here's what I eventually discovered: Everybody's videos look bad on YouTube! The bad videos are what make YouTube a great big, fuzzy democracy.

This news arrives as a relief. Grooming is no longer necessary before one shoots a video, as nobody can tell what you look like, anyway. I might start calling myself Paul McCartney. People won't know the difference, as long as the volume's turned off.

And so, I'm proud to present this crappy looking video of I've Got A Hole In My Head, my opening number at the recent Deep Ellum Arts Festival.

Better than No Quality

Lee Cates, last seen at my Bill's Records set, returned to capture the pixellated action in beautiful Sony Hi8.

Select HQ mode (look for the icon at lower right in the video panel) for best display.

Or, if you prefer super special Extra Quality, download this 62.5MB edit of I've Got A Hole In My Head (© 2009 Ken Turetzky).



Spec sheet


Professional videographers will really enjoy the following technical detail. Be sure to let me know what all of this stuff means, because I don't understand any of it.

• I've Got A Hole In My Head re-encoded with the open-source program VirtualDub, from the original .VOB digital rip.


• VirtualDub filters: null transform (used to crop 720x480 video to 640x480), FadeFX (fade out and fade in), brightness/contrast, subtitler (using a script created with Sub Station Alpha).


• Compressed with XviD MPEG-4 codec, quality setting 8/31 (file size 62.5MB). Video length: 2:57.

turetzkysyndrome.com

Roving photographer Danny Bollinger missed my show; grabbed an image of the banner out front of the Artist Underground Stage at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival.

Post-mortem and horrifying video to follow!







turetzkysyndrome.com

It's festival time again, kids, and that means I'll be onstage outdoors at an inappropriate time for adult humor, slinging Her Shit Don't Stink and My Fat Ass Itches out amongst the face painters and fried Snickers concessions.

The folks at the 15th annual Deep Ellum Arts Festival will almost certainly regret inviting me to perform from 11:30 a.m.-12:15 p.m. Saturday, April 4 on the Artist's Underground stage. Admission is free.



Haven't decided which way to go as of yet. Should I adapt to the hour or go for a lifetime ban from all public events? Take a look at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival map, then find me on Main Street, between Crowdus Street and Malcolm X Boulevard.

The festival will run from Friday, April 3, through Sunday, April 5, featuring more than 75 bands and 100 artists. An estimated 60,000 people will attend.

So, come on out, stick your fingers in your ears, and enjoy the show!

turetzkysyndrome.com

Podcast: Tasty Logic
Date: March 28, 2009
Title: Tasty Logic -- Episode 34
Download the show: Episode 34

City For Conquest: Sensitive composer Arthur Kennedy's sitting at the piano during mobster Elia Kazan's fancy blowout, and reluctant welterweight Jimmy Cagney implores him, "Come on, Eddie. Play that song that I like."

So Arthur Kennedy begins his sweaty classical masterpiece, and the partiers ignore him, start talking even louder, and Arthur Kennedy responds, bitterly, "I'll show them," and breaks into a wild, cheap, popular number he's been holding in reserve.

Predictably, the crowd instantly perks up. As they gather 'round the piano, snapping their fingers, a Broadway producer rushes up and shouts, "The kid can write his own ticket!"

Is this artistic success? No? Well, at least the people are listening!

Hair me, feel me

"One week you're great and the next week you're shit," I told podcaster Mark Ramsey, as we recorded after business hours in the tiny outer office of his family's North Dallas wholesale wig business, which also serves as the Tasty Logic studio. "Or nothing, which is worse than shit. You would rather they hate you than ignore you."

Tasty Logic was an early entry in my Podcast Roundup when Mark, then based in Houston, played My Fat Ass Itches on the Dec. 9, 2006, edition of his show.

He's since mounted a Dallas Cowboys/fantasy football podcast called Pigskin Radio, and with this episode announced he's "rebooted" Tasty Logic as a Dallas-Fort Worth arts and entertainment show.

Blah, blah, blah

We talked about the usual stuff -- the origin of My Fat Ass Itches (Thanks, hemorrhoids!), Big Lots vs. Dollar Tree and the now-familiar story of How I Got Started In Music.

Mark allowed me to plug my upcoming set at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival, 11:30 a.m. Saturday, April 4 on the Artist's Underground stage.

I also performed my own reviled tunes, Her Shit Don't Stink and My Fat Ass Itches, inadvertently blasting the vocal mic. Sorry about that. Sometimes I don't know my own strength!

But ultimately, the discussion with Mark helped me focus on a winning strategy for the 21st Century -- cultivating hate.

Victory in defeat

"That's what I go for now. [Audiences] don't realize they absolutely love what they hear. They're reacting to it. They think they hate it, but I know they love it," I said.

"When I'm being kicked out of the bar, that's a victory for me and them. Do they realize when they're banning Her Shit Don't Stink and telling me never to play it again, they've actually had a reaction to it?

"I need to convince more people to hate me. Then I'll know I've made it!"

  Tasty Logic interviews Ken Turetzky  (22:50).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Thank goodness we finally have an Intelligent President. So what if the economy's headed for collapse? At least the guy in the White House looks smart at a press conference!

Since I'm all out of the usual stuff to protest, I've enjoyed the luxury to indulge my fear of the inevitable. "When my time comes, I'm not going," I greet skeptical audiences. "If God wants me, he's going to have to kill me."

That's the theme of I'll Get Old And Die, the latest addition to my Turetzky Syndrome Channel on YouTube.

Quick solutions

Is it just me, or does Timothy Geithner sound like Lenny Bruce hopped up on speed?

I'm so confused. If only George W. Bush were still president. He'd know what to do about those toxic assets and that annoying foreign debt problem. He'd nuke them!



turetzkysyndrome.com

I feel a sense of history when I play the big stage at the Sons of Hermann Hall, mostly because the place is old, dating to 1911. That's where you get your history from. Old stuff.

Dallas used to have some history, but it doesn't any more. Blind Lemon Jefferson and Robert Johnson played the neighborhood some decades back, before the city scraped all that shit off the map. As more buildings go down, the blocks around SOHH are looking mighty naked.

But what do we care, we're young! I played my opening set at the Duct Tape Gala, helping raise money to ship care packages to the 302nd MP Company in Iraq. Scored a cheap flag pin, too.

Country Dan sings a sad song

Afterward, I wandered into the bar downstairs, where some friendly, retired fraternal folks invited me to share their spaghetti dinner, and then offered to sell me some life insurance. Ran into Country Dan, an acoustic blues player I knew from around town who looks like John Goodman with a Curly haircut.

"You're probably wondering where I've been," Country Dan said, removing his straw hat long enough to rub his smooth head a few times.

"Well, my mom got sick and I moved down to her place to become her sole caregiver for the last two years. That's all I did the whole time. Killed a deer and a couple of calves, grew enough vegetables to live on. Went down to the pond. The bass weren't safe from me, either."

This was a new Country Dan. Sober. On past nights, I'd seen him wrestling drunk girls in the Winedale parking lot like a bear in mating season, and even today he peppered his remarks with anatomical observations on this lady or that one. In such a focused state, though, his philosophy grew more intense.

"Got to get ready. Our turn will come around. Before we know it." Damn, I thought. Does he mean me, too? But I have so much to live for! I got up to go.

"Haven't felt like playing in a while," Country Dan said amiably. "But I might feel like playing again. You'll see me around."

Photos courtesy of Tom Peal

Tom Peal, former host with wife Jenni Mansfield Peal of the lamented Free Dallas Music! Songwriters' Open Mic, sent me some Duct Tape Gala photos.

I threw away all the boring ones and kept the ones of me.







Nobody listens

Also, please enjoy these boomy room recordings from my set, including some intrusive table chatter!

  Her Shit Don't Stink  (4:14).

  I'll Get Old And Die  (2:05).

turetzkysyndrome.com