Karlovia and Bradman in...An Interesting Case
A short play in one act
(Author Unkown)
Benjamin Bradman is sitting on a train facing backwards from Glasgow to London. He looks as though he could be a youngish looking fifty- year- old or an oldish looking forty- nine- year old man. He is wearing a jacket and trousers that don’t match but create a perfect ensemble. Tucked between his leg and the chair arm is a battered old brief case and he is reading an industry magazine called “Toaster Manufacturers World”. His shifty appearance goes unnoticed in the busy carriage, with children shouting and people squeezing past each other to get to the buffet cart to pay £4 for a tasteless mozzarella and tomato panini. There is a stale odour in the air, which is diffused by the sweet smell of a man’s perfume.
Karlovia: Were you saving me a seat?
Benjamin Bradman looks up to see that the voice belongs to his old colleague, Shazza Karlovia: a woman with reddish hair and an unplaceable accent.
Bradman: Does the fox live south of the Great Hill?
Karlovia: (Sliding into the seat next to Bradman) Cut the spy speak crap Benny. You know it's me.
Bradman: Ah, Miss Karlovia. You never were one for protocol.
Karlovia: And you were never one for small talk. What do you need to know?
Bradman: (Taking a deep breath) The company is getting impatient. We need to find out what you know about the First Precious Cookie project.
Karlovia: I'm not going to lie to you Mr B. I think we have a positive match.
Bradman's eyes light up. He leans towards his colleague.
Bradman: Go on.
Karlovia: There's someone we've been following for some time. He matches all the criteria that the boys back in the lab predicted.
Bradman: Did he start off with interstellar beats?
Karlovia: That's a given, but we've all tried out drums a bit – I do a mean paradiddle myself. What makes this case more unique is that he started gigging at 18, three years or so after beginning to write songs. He was singing with a funk-rock band called Doenut.
Karlovia opens up a file and shows her colleague some images starting with a logo for the band.
Fig 14S: Fronting DOENUT
Check this out – just as we anticipated; he went on to do solo gigs playing keyboard and a bit of guitar.
Bradman: Around London?
Fig 31U: Solo keybaord work
Karlovia: Generally yeah. Then he went on to play guitar again with a gospel choir.
Bradman: And did he play it well?
Karlovia: No he didn't.
Bradman: (Gasps.) A perfect match!
Karlovia: That's the tip of the iceberg Benny boy. He ended up doing cosmic acoustic...
Bradman: (Interrupting.) Cosmic acoustic rap? Are you sure? Did he end up performing the stuff with a band called... (Flicking through his notes.) ...called The Cyber Bunnies?
Karlovia: (Shows a photo of that very band.) Here's the evidence - rapping and playing keyboards in an unheard of manner.
Fig 55D: CYBER BUNNIES
Bradman: You're very calm about all this Miss Karlovia. If he really is a contender for the First Precious Cookie project, it will be a turning point in our entire culture, including the quality of swivel chairs. Our children will read about this discovery in their history classes...
Karlovia: Our children, Benjamin? (Karlovia looks wide-eyed at Bradman, teasingly.)
Bradman: (Flustered.) I mean... children in general... unless of course...
Karlovia lets the awkward silence continue for a moment, and smiles.
Erm... If I'm correct, he should have travelled a great distance after just one show with the Bunnies.
Karlovia: You were never one for small talk Mr B. We lost track of him for a while, but then Agent Chonto spotted him playing in Tokyo, Japan.
Bradman: Just as predicted. Was he singing?
Karlovia: Yep, and did a bit of drumming too.
Fig 79U: Getting a live groove on in Tokyo
Bradman: (Looking at his notes.) Then he returned to London, right? And then what?
Karlovia: And then... he put together a motley gang of musicians who were to be known as Kablooie.
Bradman: Kablooie? What does that mean?
Karlovia: Beats me. Anyway he was the frontman, handling vocals, keyboards and jumping up and down duties. Kablooie stuck together a couple of years, playing an upbeat rock/funk/ska blend.
Fig 85F: KABLOOIE
Bradman: And while he was getting that going, did he end up drumming with...
Karlovia: Redneck Scene! Check it out!
Fig 82F: Drumming with RED NECK SCENE
Bradman: This is too good to be true - the pieces almost fall into place. But if he really is the First Precious Cookie then he would have returned to foreign lands for one more show before coming back again to continue musical progress.
Karlovia: (Holds up picture) Ta da! Here he is playing with old friends, the jazz combo, the Batsu-Marus.
Fig 107N: BATSU MARUS
Bradman: (Almost trembling with anticipation) Well, that means we need just one more thing to match our calculations and we've found the saviour of our cultural revolution, the master of our agricultural renaissance and the creator of the new industrial motivation system!
Karlovia: Damn right Mr B!
Bradman: So...does he?
Karlovia: Yep.. he's got the tattoo alright.
Bradman: The one with the sun and the star together in the galaxy?
Karlovia: Right there at the top of his left arm.
Bradman: (Pauses to think) His arm?
Karlovia: Absolutely!
Bradman: But the calculations suggest he should have the tattoo on his nose.
Karlovia: On his nose?
Bradman: Yes!
Karlovia: No... I would have noticed that. It was definitely on his arm.
Bradman: Well it can't be him then.
Karlovia: Really?....... Oh crap!
Both agents sit back in their seats and exhale deeply.
I guess we could try and find someone else who matches the calculations.
Bradman: (Sighs) No, don't worry Shazza. It's a silly project anyway. I say we declare this guy the final candidate for the project. (Opens up briefcase and places it on floor)
Karlovia: Suits me! That will give us time to set up the button shop we've always talked about. (Steps into case and descends below stage)
Bradman: I supposed it would. Hmm... is that Men's perfume you're wearing? (Following behind)
Karlovia: (from below stage) Yeah, is that a problem for you Mr B?
Bradman: (from below stage) You never were one for protocol Miss Karlovia.
A child in seats across the aisle from the agents who has been making noise throughout the play is rendered speechless by the agents disappearing into the brief case. The case closes and disappears just as a ticket inspector appears.
Ticket Inspector: Tickets please.
Curtain