I have a new blog site. Here: http://grumpyrabbit.blogspot.com/

There seems to be a big hullabulloo over the toys coming out of China that are either choking hazards or lined with lead.  I think this is much ado about nothing. Now I'm not saying there isn't a potential threat and if you suspect you have some of these toys then by all means throw them away. But I saw a news story where a mother brought her kid in for lead poison testing and I was like "come on! Don't fall for the hype!" She said she was concerned because her kid had been putting this toy in his mouth for quite some time. Well you wouldn't have this problem in the first place if you stopped your kid from chewing on toys. Isn't it a basic rule of motherhood to take stuff OUT of a baby's mouth that isn't food or boobies? And besides, you have to eat a lot of lead before it harms you. I mean look at those dumb Romans who ate out of lead bowls and cups. It took them forever to die out and you can still see a couple around today if you go to Las Vegas. Alright having said that, I would like to share with you some more products for children that are made in China that also feature the awesome additive of lead! Behold…

Lead Headed Destro

This toy features Destro who is the coolest cartoon character bad guy ever. Who else can wear a mask and have the lips move when they talk? Well maybe Joan Rivers but that's beside the point. In real life Destro's mask would probably be made of silver, but this toy's mask is made of the next best thing – lead!

Lois Lane's box of Secrets

If you are anything like Lois Lane then you will know what it feels like to want to keep secrets from that nosy do-gooder Superman. This lovely box, lined with lead, uranium, and poison ivy is perfect for putting things where Superman can't see them. Lois Lane herself keeps an emergency block of Kryptonite in here in case Superman ever becomes abusive.

Slip and S'lead

Sliiiiiiip! Slip and S'lead! Sliiiiiiip! Slip and S'lead! I'm trying to print out how the song in the commercial would sound, I don't know if that's apparent or not.

Leadsicle

On July 7^th 2007 (7/7/7) several dozen musical acts from across the globe will come together to fight against the Global Climate Crisis! What better way to battle scientifically based environmental problems intricately tied to nearly unstoppable socio-economic factors and sheer human greed than with a huge concert - featuring Duran Duran! Who will win this fight - the climatic dangers or the musicians? Let's watch and find out…

The Climate Bad Guys…

Gasor! (Auto Pollution)

Cutty! (Deforestation)

Dino-juice! (Fossil Fuels)

Cheesor! (Farts)

Hello people of Earth we are the climate bad guys! We are here to insure your destruction. There is nothing you can do about it!

Hold it right there climate bad guys!

Who are you?

The Black Eyed Peas!

The Black Eye…Phhhhhhht!!!!! Hahahaha! What the fuck!

YARRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Today I got an email informing me that I have won the Microsoft Mega Jackpot Lottery!!!!!! I won the equivalent of 10 million dollars !!!!! Here's the email:

MICRO (LOTTERY)
REF NO: M154S/WL06.
CHIP NO: 9465206

MICROSOFT ELECTRONIC EMAIL AWARD PROMOTION.
Today, we announce the 25 lucky winners of the MICROSOFT MEGA JACKPOT LOTTO WINNINGS PROGRAMS held on 18th JUNE 2007. Your company or your personal e-mail address, attached to the Chip Number: 9465206,won in the sixth lottery category 2007. Your email address has brought you an unexpected luck, please read through this message.

You are therefore been approved for lump sums pay out of £5,500,000.00, FIVE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS. Equivalent to, ($10,064,000 USD), Ten Million, sixty four thousand US Dollars. In cash Credited to file REF NO: M154S/WL06. And MICRO (LOTTERY) CHIP NO: 9465206, you are the sixth lucky winner of the total winners of 25. You all won £5.5, million Pounds each. All the 25 participants were selected through our Microsoft computer ballot system (MCBS) drawn from each continent, as part of International "E-MAIL" Promotions Program, to promote the use of ELECTRONIC MAILS (E-MAILS) all over the World, and to promote the use of Microsoft Office.Your funds (certified Cashiers cheque) have been insured with the FEDERAL DEPOSIT INSURANCE CORPORATION, LONDON, With your REF NO:
M154S/WL06.
To claim your winning prize (£5.5, million pounds), you must first, contact the claims department by email for Processing and remittance of your prize money to you.

According to the rest of the email all I have to do is contact this claims department and give them my name, address, social security number, credit card info, mother's maiden name, PIN number, bedtime and hours that I am not at home.

I've already done all that and in a few week, after I deposit 2000 dollars into a "special security account" I will buy a plane ticket to Cambodia to collect my prize. So you hear that all you fucking people who annoy the hell out of me. I don't have to be nice to you anymore because I'm fucking rich!!!!!! That means you comedy club owners and festival organizers, people who run rooms all around Vancouver, and all you horrible amateurs who I pretend to be nice to in case you get good one day but probably never will....I don't need any of you anymore!!!!!!! That goes for you, you fucking idiots who run "comedy shows" with the worst line-ups ever and have the gall to call it standup comedy, and you, you comics who are alcoholics and are so fucking boring to talk to I would rather eat scorpions than have to listen to your "bits" that you slip into conversation while I zone out otherwise I'll risk going insane from hearing your boring stupidness!!!!!! Oh and while I'm at it, I don't need to answer to you anymore either, Father O'Mally who says I have to live a good clean life in order to be truly  happy and content. I'm gonna buy five tonnes of happiness with my 10 million dollars, then I'm gonna eat afore-mentioned happiness, digest it, then shit it in all of your faces!!!!! I have ten million dollars now so seeya alls latahhhhhh!!!!!!!

THE END

Here's a page where you can listen to some of my audio clips.

 http://jybcca.googlepages.com/home

If you want to hear me sound like a chipmunk, find me on Facebook and look in my audio section.

Hey, do you guys remember the movie "Kramer vs. Kramer"? Of course you do, you don't have Alzheimer's. But in case you don't, here's a brief description of the movie…

Ted Kramer is a career man for whom his work comes before his family. His wife Joanna cannot take this anymore, so she decides to leave him. Ted is now faced with the tasks of housekeeping and taking care of himself and their young son Billy.

Also, do you also remember the movie "Alien vs. Predator"? Again if you don't here's a brief description…

With their father away fighting in the Civil War, Joe, Meg, Beth and Amy grow up with their mother in somewhat reduced circumstances. They are a close family who inevitably have their squabbles and tragedies. But the bond holds even when, later, men friends start to become a part of the household.

Oh wait, that might be the description for "Little Women". Anyways, I came up with a brilliant idea to combine these two movies into a sure-fire Oscar award-winning motion picture called "Predator vs. Predator". Here's a description of what I was thinking…

Predator is a career Predator for whom his work comes before his family. His wife Predator cannot take this anymore, so she decides to leave the Predator. Predator is now faced with the tasks of housekeeping and taking care of himself and their young son Predator.

Here are some scenes from the movie…

"Alien spine again!?? Why can't you cook you anything different? How about some pork chops or something!"

"Predator, I want a divorce. I've contacted my lawyer and I've begun the process of dividing our assets. I want the furniture set and the car. You can have the dog. Oh yeah, I also want our summer home Egyptian pyramid on Earth where we go to battle thousands of Aliens once every millenia."

"I'm telling you Batman, this single father thing is killing me."

"Daddy, is it my fault you and mommy don't live together anymore?"

"Of course it is! You're a rotten kid and you look just like your mother. I can't stand to look at you, now get out of my sight! And by get out of my sight I mean turn on your invisibility cloak and stand right there cuz I still need to know where you are."

Man, doesn't that look like the best movie ever! I realize it might not actually get made as something that's released in theatres. But I'm pretty sure I can get the CW network to turn into a TV movie. Look for it soon!

THE END

Grrrr...I hate new things. Lotsa people have told me that Facebook is the new Myspace. When the hell did that happen? I spent so much time building my Myspace and writing blogs, and now I barely even use it anymore. But I dunno if I'm going to start up all over again with Facebook. I signed up for my own facebook page today, but then I went over there and it's all confusing. The only good thing was that I went to a pretty girl's Facebook page and one of the options was "poke her". I dunno what that means, but if it's what I hope it is, then I might have to use Facebook afterall. I would sign up for sure if there were other options like "Make her pay your bills". Anyways, if you want to be my Facebook friend here's my address (I think): http://www.facebook.com/p/Jeff_Yu/798990065

I'm going to be more selective about the friends I accept on Facebook. For example, I did not accept Blue or Gerald. Cyas.

THE END

 Don't worry, despite the title this isn't a suicide blog or anything.. I'm sitting here at 6:30AM watching the classic film "Meet Joe Black". By the way, the porno version of this movie is called Joe's Black Meat (I just made that up). The interesting thing about Meet Joe Black is that Death, as played by Brad Pitt is kinda stupid. He's like a child that doesn't know anything about Earth. Death is supposed to be powerful and scary. In fact, look at this child's picture entitled "Death and Love".

"Death and Love" - Given my past history with relationship (singular) I honestly can't tell which is which.

As you can see, Death is supposed to be scary but I'm coming upon the realization that he isn't very frightening in most of the movies he's appeared in. And more often than not, he is just plain stupid.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

 Death get's melvined.

So how stupid is Death in Bogus Journey? In this movie Death gets outwitted by KEANU REEVES playing a DUMBER version of HIMSELF. That's pretty stupid.

Final Destination 1-3

I guess this series is up to number 3 now (the third stars the kid from Butterfly effect). It's gotten to the point where the title of the movie no longer applies since the first one was about an airplane ride (hence destination) but the third one involves a rollercoaster. But the main point is, how many times can Death screw up? In each of these movies he totally misses his victims then spends the rest of the movie trying to make up for his initial mistake. If I made this many mistakes at my job, I would get fired - or at least melvined. Now Death usually catches up with most of the people he's supposed to kill, but if you include all the near-misses and close calls, you begin to realize just how inaccurate Death is.

4 more inches to the right and you would have had it this time, Death.

Meet Joe Black

I'm still watching this movie and right now it's at the point where Brad Pitt is having sex with that girl and he is on the verge of tears because I guess he's never done it before. He's like the 10589 year-old-virgin. This could actually be the dumbest incarnation of Death I've ever seen in a movie because he doesn't know what anything is. He's spent all this time around humans but he has never learned about peanut butter? That's crazy. However, using his ignorance, it would be so easy to avoid this guy in real life.

Hello I am Death, I have come to take Jeffery Yu to the afterlife.

I saw him hiding in the peanut butter factory.

I have no idea what that is.

Ok that's all I got on this subject. I'm going to go back to watching Meet Joe Black. I've kinda lost track of what's going on and right now Brad Pitt is speaking Jamaican. I wish I could fall asleep.

Did you watch the Oscars last nite? I did and here is my report:

(Note: The pics don't seem to be working normally - but you can right click on them and go to "properties", then copy and paste the address of the pic into your toolbar. That should fix it. Stupid computers.)

I thought Ellen did a good job. As expected, she did her fumbly bumbly schtick for the monologue and it was fine.
She is basically a female version of Hugh Grant. I'd like to see these two have a conversation...

Well I uh, you know, if only...what I'm really trying to say is

No, of course, but...you know, how else would I uh...oh boy, I guess what I'm really trying to say is...

Look at Jennifer Hudson. She reminds me of a big roast beef. I love roast beef.

Here's Katherine Deneuve and the fake bad guy from Batman Begins. One is French, the other is Japanese. How the hell did they speak with the same accent last night? That was weird.

It's rare that a person looks like their own ghost. But Peter O'toole pulls off the look nicely.

Thank you for this academy award. There are many people I'd like to thank but most of all I'd like to thank Norbit for making people reconsider voting for Eddie Murphy.

Making his first Oscar appearance out of costume - The Riddler.

The top 2 contenders for the mute award.

Just when you start to believe getting an Academy Award is some kind of accomplishment - remember, this guy has one.

Is it fair that someone can be so old and yet so hot?

Here's the most overshadowed person since the eleventh apostle - the third Dreamgirl.

Cameron Diaz. Remeber when she was really pretty? What happened? She looks more and more like that thing from Pan's Labyrinth.

See what I mean?

THE END

It had to take something mighty powerful to get me blogging again, and that something is Disney's new release - Cinderella 3! Cinderella what!? When was there a Cinderella 2? I looked up the plot for Cinderella 3 and this is it: Cinderella's step-mom steals the fairy-god-mother's magic wand and goes back in time to make the glass slipper not fit Cinderella's feet; therefore Cinderella has to make the prince fall in love with her again and then you see Bobby Ewing in the shower and you realize it was all a dream.

Why on Earth would they tarnish the classic fairytale of Cinderella, one that engrains into the minds of young little girls the idea that beauty wins out no matter what, by creating a sequel where that ugly old woman uses magic to equal the odds of her equally physically unattractive daughters to find true love for themselves! Disgusting!

But I guess it really doesn't matter since they already did a sequel in Cinderella 2, which is actually 3 short cartoons smushed together in classic fairytale fashion. If you thought the plot to Cinderella 3 was exciting, get a load of what happens in Cinderella 2 (from IMDB): First, Cinderella's awkward first days at the palace, when she tried so hard to fit in that she forgot to be herself. Second, how Jaq felt so left out that he wished to be a human. Third, how Cinderella taught one of her nasty step-sisters how to smile which leads to her own true love.

Fuck yeah, that's some good stuff! So let's get this straight, there are very few rules left in the Cinderalla universe since you can turn back time, change mice into humans, and the apparently boring task of getting used to living in a castle is considered enough of an event to base one-third of a movie on it.

Having said that, I have some great ideas for Disney when they inevitably make a sequel for Cinderella 3: A twist in Time.

Cinderella 4: I should really keep my wand in a safe or something

In the forth installment of the beloved Cinderella series, the evil stepmother manages to steal the fairy-god-mother's magic wand once again! It would seem unlikely, but she does it and after spending the entire previous movie going back into time, she does it again only to come to same ending.

Cinderella 5: Fire is Hot

In the fifth movie based on Disney's timeless character, Cinderella accidentally brushes up against a torch and makes an amazing discovery – Fire is hot! Come along on this adventure with two all new songs written and performed by Michael Bolton: Fire is Hot and Fire is Not Un-Hot!

Cinderella 6: Seriously, like a safe or maybe a safety deposit box…

The fairy god mother loses the wand again. You know the rest.

THE END

Anyone who would like to spend Christmas eve with me can do so by tuning into the Comedy Network at 10:30 pm on December 24th. My "Comedy Now" special will be airing and for one night only it will be a Christmas special. So you get to see the special Christmas version of "Mr. Clean" and "My girlfriend had sex with three black men Fa la la la la".

Oh by the way, I'd like to thank the Comedy Network for making the commercial for my Comedy Special the shortest commercial in the history of mankind. If you haven't seen it, it shows Don Kelly doing a one-minute bit, then at the very last second it says "and Jeffery Yu!" and it shows me limping out on to stage. I think that commercial is really great and it totally justifies my decision to become a standup comic to any of my family members who happen to see it.

Happy Holidays!