What? So what you want?! Sucka can't take a break?

Well, fine. You crazy-ass bastards can have a new track.

Oh, guess what?! It's about, and called, "My Space," you know, like that weird-ass social networking site. Here's the slideshow video:




All I have to say is that if you weirdoes don't like it, well, what the hell are you doing on MySpace anyway?

The title of the site isn't "YourSpace" - it's "My Space" - mine. So obey the rules and send Tom some hate mail. I'll be here to fix your lives. You all didn't even know about your MySpace until I had to lay it down. Who laid said object or concept down? Oh! That'd be me(Wombstretcha) and Ray(Statutory Ray!) and Acheron Flow who is the BEST battle-rapper in the US of A. That's quite the lineup.

If you think your MySpace page has what it takes, then come on!

OK. I'm not really that confrontational, but I dare you, dare you to listen to our song and not think it's the best thing since Frosted Flakes!

Peace? no.

War, fuckers!



-WSTM


Oh, and if it wasn't abundantly clear, ADD IT TO YOUR MYSPACE, FOOL!

I'm too lazy to be updating my blog right now, so here ya go with the copy-and-paste action from our Official Website for you to enjoy:

--------------------------------------------------------------

WombsTwitter

Ever wonder what the hell Wombstretcha is doing at any given time? Well thanks to modern technology, the serial rap-pist himself now has a Twitter account...


CLICK HERE TO VISIT WOMBSTRETCHA ON TWITTER

1HRx Records CD Sampler Version 2

The latest 1HRx Records Sampler CD is now online for your burn-able download pleasure. Featuring hit tracks from current and upcoming releases by battle rapper Acheron Flow, disc-jockey-slash-magician DJ Castor Pollux, mash-up master DJ HazMatt, underground rapper K-Dizzy, industrial rockers Pill Brigade, and, of course, the hymenic duo Wombstretcha the Magnificent. Pass this around your social circle like a sorority girl, as we encourage bootlegging:


CLICK HERE FOR LARGER CD IMAGE

Individual MP3s from the sampler (right-click, save-as)...

01. Acheron Flow - Urban Slice.mp3
02. Acheron Flow - Stupid Fucks.mp3
03. Acheron Flow - Concubine Rodeo.mp3
04. Acheron Flow - Battle Me.mp3
05. Pill Brigade - ElectroShit.mp3
06. Pill Brigade - 406.mp3
07. Pill Brigade - Sex and Violence.mp3
08. Pill Brigade - Post Human Code.mp3
09. K Dizzy - Feelin Dizzy.mp3
10. K Dizzy - Sloth.mp3
11. K Dizzy - Sandman.mp3
12. K Dizzy - Jump.mp3
13. DJ HazMatt - Dominion Lowlafalana.mp3
14. DJ HazMatt - Ich Bin Ein Outkaster.mp3
15. DJ HazMatt - Baby Got Laibach.mp3
16. Wombstretcha the Magnificent - Poach Yo Eggs.mp3
17. Wombstretcha the Magnificent - Lost it in 'Nam.mp3
18. Wombstretcha the Magnificent - Stop Sign.mp3
19. Wombstretcha the Magnificent - Awesome Rap Stars.mp3
20. DJ Castor Pollux - Choir Boy.mp3
21. DJ Castor Pollux - Surrender.mp3

Now go and support our artists before I kick all of them off the label and prevent you from ever hearing good musicians again!!!

Tell your friends:

CLICK FLYER FOR DETAILS

Hi there, ho there!

Wombstretcha (you know, the Magnificent) here with a report on the show we (myself and Statutory Ray) played at the Ash Street Saloon in Portland. Hey, our only Portland show on the whole tour! How about that!

Suffice to say, we had a GREAT time. We watched some cats we've never seen before: The Inhumans and Lost History. My word. Fun bands. I was initally apprehensive because the Inhumans had a trumpet, but you know, it was really kick-ass. Raise the Brdiges was good too, as always.

Okay, fair reader, you wonder what could possibly be so awesome. I must tell you: Strippers.

Ok, yes, you know we have these. Strippers are part of our set. However, these hoes were truly fantastic.

Not only did hoes 1 thru 4 perform admirably through the set, but they preformed admirably after the set. These broads were insatiable, despite the fact that they were booked for only a three song set, they continued to penetrate themselves throughout the night(despite their own common sense) and the crying of the venue owner, they persisted to enjoy feats of lesbianism unseen since the days of Caligula. Truly phenomenal. If your priest was there, he'd make you repent. Hah.

There's footage forthcoming. Oh my yes, there is.

However, this speak to a bigger truth. the truth of which is the show coming up at the 45th St Pub on Friday, August 14th. Hey, that's tomorrow! Show your ass up and we promise a show worth remembering and also a show which might give you herpes because it's so fucking awesome! 21+, doors at 8. It's free to get in and will feature such awesome opening acts as Catlin Has Chicken Pox, Alcoholocost and halfway-confirmed acts Fluid and Artemus Treefrog.

Thanks for showing up!

-W

I am calling upon all you people out there, yes, YOU. Okay, not you, douchebag with the double-tall whipless soy mocha. Fuck soy.

What's more? This flyer is a LINK to a full-size, printable poster, 11x17.

There have been a million people with a million different theories about what really happened on Spetember 11th, 2001.

I have done my own individual research to uncover exactly what happened that fateful day in New York.
Using resources and technology unavailable at the time of the incident, I have managed to painstakingly reconstruct the events of Sep. 11th and will lay them out for you as such:

First, there's a lot of blurry surveillance footage available which seems to quantify any given theory on what happened that day. None of these pictures really seem to paint a better picture than what we, the public, had already been told via regular media channels. Until now.

Here's the famous, but blurry, shot from the Sedgewick Hotel's parking lot security camera, facing the towers:



And here, using patented One Hour Pharmacy photo-enhancement technology, we present the TRUTH about 9/11 from the same photo, enhanced to 200 micropicas and filtered with a primatostatic monoenhancer.

BEHOLD:




That's right. There was a cover-up, perpetrated by the US government under the direction of a man named Albert J. Quaeda, thus the blame shift to the terrorist group known as 'Al Quaeda' - an easy mistake to make, since they're a bunch of well-known Official Government-labeled Assholes.

No, I have stumbled upon the details of an insidious scientific project designed to provide our fighting men and women with an advantage in the battlefields of Afghanistan; Project A.P.E. - Artificial Primate Enhancement, initially called Project: R.A.M.P.A.G.E. or Rage-based Amplification for Military Purposes of Apes using Genetic Engineering. See classified document photo below.



So the truth of the matter is this: Project A.P.E. got loose in downtown New York and, like his classical fim counterpart, scaled a building. Once on said building, Project A.P.E. started doing what it was designed to do: destroying the damn thing. People didn't notice until the explosions began, and the reporters were given gag orders and fake plane-collision footage to air at the request of the pentagon.

Speaking of the pentagon, I hear you saying "But they got blowed up, too!" which is true, but that's largely because they were taping an episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy in that wing, and one of his baking soda/vinegar concoctions got out of hand and ended up leaving a smoking hole in the side of the whole facade.

This is why Bill Nye no longer has a show, and why his deathmatch with Beakman never happened. Also, it proved to be a valuable excuse for the US government, as they wished not to let the public know about project A.P.E. and couldn't blame the pentagon on Bill Nye, a respected Scientician, so they blame them all on the terrorist Osama Bin Laden and his group(which, incidentally, started as a book-discussion group: week 1 - the Qu'ran, week 2 - the Qu'ran, week 3 - Little Women, week 4 - the Qu'ran, etc...) Al Quaeda, who really ARE genuine assholes, but were probably only in New York to visit Times Square and get some porn and make fun of all the Jews living there. Those fuckers hate Jews. Obviously they've never had a blueberry blintz, or they'd change their fucking tune.



So the bottom line is, the US is (sorta) behind 9/11, and Al Quaeda are assholes, and while the structural integrity was compromised in ways that a jet collision would not, this is correct. The structure was damaged in ways a jet collision could not, because the place was SMASHED TO BITS BY A GIANT APE!

Just thought I'd lay the TROOF out for you all out there. Scary, isn't it?!

-WS


P.S. - Nobody knows what happened to Project: A.P.E. Some say it was last seen in the deserts of Afghanistan, its projected mission, striking terror into the heart of Taliban soldiers and eating their women. Taliban women are like candy bars to Project: A.P.E. because it sees the full-body candy wrapper(burqa) and eats 'em like a 3 musketeers bar...

By the way, if you've been keeping your eye on Wombstretcha.com, you'd know about our upcoming 9/11 show at the 45th St Pub. More info on that later.

So, I've been watching the news, and I'm now left with one inexorable muthafuckin' conclusion: There's an opening for a new King of Pop.

I would submit to everyone that *I* be selected for this position. Much like the former occupant, I have vast experience in the field of... Pop-Kingyness and I have an untalented brother named Tito. Also, much like the previous KoP, I have strange habits involving behavior towards children, and though my methods are a bit different than my predecessor, they are just as memorable. And after all, isn't it what the memories of the child-interaction leave in your heart(and in my case, the fridge) that makes a King of Pop truly special?

Furthermore, I would address a number of the old King's failings while he occupied the throne of Pop. First, I promise all of you out there that I will *never* have myself surgically altered to look like a woman, Peter Pan or a cave troll.

Second, I will not marry any relative of Elvis Presley. This, I solemnly swear, despite my desire to die on the toilet surrounded by empty pill bottles.

Third, I will not buy the Beatles' back catalogue or cut any tracks with Paul McCartney. Nor will I ever do a benefit concert for anything but Teen Pregnancy, as that's what all our concerts benefit.

Last, while I cannot promise I will not dangle children over fifth-story balconies, I can promise that I *will* let go of them promptly if I do.

I think this platform provides an excellent standing for me in terms of assuming this noble title and all the lands associated with it. However, if I have to live at the former Neverland Ranch, I will remove all the amusement park rides and replace them with ornate fountains, all of which have whiskey and Dimetapp flowing freely (uh, in separate fountains) and blueberry pop-tarts will be free to all guests.

Also, I will refer to my spooge as 'Neverland Ranch' and offer to cover many a broad's 'Hidden Valley' with it, as would be my right as King. A heavy burden, yes, but one I could bear for the sake of all my subjects out there in music land.

Anyone who wishes to see if I can indeed live up to these promises can catch me at such divine and noble places as the Sea Hag in Ilwaco, Washington on July fourth, as I will be reminding everyone how great this country is for having the First Amendment to our constitution.

In addition, I can be seen in Seattle at The Central on July 6th and again in Medford, OR at the Vibes Main 1 on Friday, July 10th.

Come see what your king can do for you. Also, somehow, I'm less creepy than that Burger King king... Who decided that was the best way to sell burgers?

Hey kiddies, Wombstretcha is out of town so we'll just be going with some cut-n-paste action here, straight from Wombstretcha.com, your number-one source of info for everything not related to the death of that child molester guy that sang songs about rats and zombies.

Check it:

1HRx Tour Updates

If you haven't already been keeping a steady eye on the 1HRx Concert Dates Page, then you are living in the dark! The entire 1HRx Records lineup is currently invading shows left and right up and down the west coast! So far, things have been pretty kick-ass (with the exception of Esham bailing on his own show) and there have been some changes (most notably the replacement of Afroman with Mistah F.A.B. on the July 10th show in Medford, OR). Before we get into any of that, however, take a look at this:

CLICK THUMBNAIL FOR LARGER IMAGE
You got that right, the entire 1HRx Records lineup will be invading the Sea Hag in Ilwaco, WA (aka south Long Beach, WA) for a fourth-of-july bash that will put the first amendment to shame! Everything from Pill Brigade's electroshit to the hip-hop stylings of K-Dizzy & Acheron Flow, all the way down the line to a blowout stage show from date-rap pioneers Wombstretcha the Magnificent. Don't forget that DJ HazMatt will be spinning alongside DJ Castor Pollux (who will be also performing magic as Demon Stevens). Holy fuck, what a show! 21 and over only, but it's free so you might as well try...

Wombstretcha Returns

Portland's most offensive rap duo, Wombstretcha the Magnificent, has been on the back-burner as of recent. Partially to allow other 1HRx Records artists to shine and partially because Womb himself is out of the country until July 1st (he's busy stocking up on Canadian Dimetapp), the hymenic duo has been keeping things quiet. Sure, the occasional myspace blog from Womb has been popping up now and then, and Statutory Ray aka DJ HazMatt held down both the mic and the wheels of steel at the last two tour stops with labelmates K-Dizzy, Acheron Flow and DJ Castor Pollux, but things have been rather SoundProof as of recent...

... well kids, hold onto your parents because Wombstretcha is making his "Magnificent" return this Saturday, July 4th in Ilwaco, WA, headlining alongside the entire 1HRx Records team. Shortly after, the bastardly bunch will be sharing the stage with none other than Mistah F.A.B. and Lil Hyphy! Check the flyer:


CLICK THUMBNAIL FOR LARGER IMAGE

Ho-lee-shit. On the downside, Afroman had to bail out on the previously scheduled lineup of the same date, but leave it to our homeboy Titan from Mann Clan Entertainment to take things up two notches whenever they get set back by one. This time, he booked Wombstretcha the Magnificent alongside two of the hottest names in the game. Stay tuned for details and specifics, but in short, be in Medford, OR on July 10th to get drunk and crunk with Womb, Ray, F.A.B. and Hyphy! Oh, your boys K-Dizzy, Acheron Flow and DJ Castor Pollux will be there too!!

Also Womb-related is this interesting video shot from backstage from Wombstretcha's 4/20/09 Tribute to Columbine. Ever wonder how a stripper gets an eyeball stuck in her pussy? Check it:



... sure, we could take the time to upload and render video of the actual performance, but that's boring. Don't worry, we'll put some concert footage up within the week, but do you really need another reason to show up to the next Wombstretcha show other than meeting Sasha? Didn't think so.

In other Wombstretcha news, the duo will be preparing a fresh new EP for free online download, titled the MSG EP, which roughly translates into "all flavor, no substance." This should be good. Keep an eye on Wombstretcha.com for that.

DJ HazMatt's Pro Audio Services

For those of you still confused about the overabundance of aliases and pseudonyms going on here at the 'Pharmacy, let us remind you that DJ HazMatt is the DJ persona of Statutory Ray, one half of Wombstretcha the Magnificent and super-producer extraordinaire. Recently, Wombstretcha released a remixed and remastered collection of hits titled Four More Years. Many of you out there in internet-land praised the production and mastering quality as top-notch. After that, K-Dizzy's album Ignorance & Poverty dropped, but with a serious increase in production and mastering quality over the version(s) floating around Portland on CD-R. Pill Brigade, Acheron Flow & DJ Castor Pollux's recent work has also sounded polished and remastered...

... why? Well, mastermind HazMatt/Ray/etc has gotten a hold of some kick-ass new equipment and is finally stepping up his game as a mastering engineer. If you like what you have been hearing and want your project mastered, then it's about time you check this out:


CLICK TO VISIT 1HRXMASTERING.COM

You got that right. Now your local rap group or garage punk band can sound as good as the major-labels (seriously, if HazMatt can make Wombstretcha sound good, then anything is possible). You can download samples from HazMatt's current clients, get price quotes and finally take your music to the next (affordable) step at 1HRxMastering.com. What are you waiting for?


CLICK THUMBNAIL FOR LARGER IMAGE

In other DJ HazMatt news, Tone-Def Thursdays - Slabtown Karaoke has been nothing short of a riot! If you haven't been showing up you don't know what your missing, and if you have been showing up you've probably been blacked-out drunk, so each night is like your first time! See you next thursday in Portland, OR at Slabtown! Remember to keep your eye on 1HRx Records' Youtube Channel for some awesome footage of this kick-ass weekly event.


Well, that's about enough news to choke a camel. Perhaps we should update more often and in smaller doses? Nah, fuck that... it's the One-Hour Pharmacy, not the twelve-step program.

- Eugene Springfield, 1HRx Records CEO

Now, I don't really think there's much in the way of controversy in this one, but I have a minor beef with regional dialects, particularly as it relates to carbonated beverage nomenclature.

The shit goes off like this: In certain parts of the US, people refer to soft drinks as either 'soda' or 'pop' which usually passes under my radar and is instantly understood to mean what it means. No problem, right? Sure. Personally, I prefer to call it soda.

However, on a recent foray to the South(Yes, I actually went there, I wasn't just beating level 2 of 'Quest for Crunk III: the Crunkening') for reasons of trying to steal Master P's "golds" outta his mouth.

This is where I encountered a small thing about their culture there which really made my dick itch(not literally). I was sitting at a BBQ place ordering a sammich, and they asked what I wanted to drink. "A Coke." I replied. "What kind?" said the waitress.

I was asusming she meant like diet or cherry or whatever, and I fucking love that cherry coke. It makes your goddamn teeth hurt from all the sugar, but man that shit's tasty. So I asked what kinds they had.

"Root beer, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi..."

The hell? Pepsi?

Apparently, down thataway, they call ALL the fucking sodas "Coke." What the fucking shit is that?!

I don't know what's worse, the fact that it causes undue confusion between types of soft drinks and the various flavors, or the fact that a fucking BRAND NAME is used in casual speech? It's not enough to just be confused, if they called that shit "swampo" or  "asswater" or something, I'd still be confused, but I wouldn't hear a coin clinking into Coca-Cola's fucking bank account.

I swear they brainwashed a once-noble species of people into doing their bidding!

Seriously, the South, step back and look at yourselves! Look at what you've become!


All I got for now,

-WS