My season so far has been unusual. For the most part it’s been good. Travelling around is harder in bad weather but you can kind of pick and choose a bit when you go.

I realized throughout this holiday how nomadic I am. Years back I did a mass exodus of most of my belongings and my dresser drawer is down to two. While travelling, I take a laptop and a backpack. I don’t own a home and my parents are both gone, so there isn’t a main family home to visit.

For a few years now, I have been looking at old buildings and churches with the thought of buying one to live in at some point. There was one I really loved and it sold, but the funny part is that I didn’t feel any disappointment. For about 5 seconds I thought, aw…that’s too bad…then I moved on. See, I have changed my entire perception about things. For many years, things dictated where I would stay, what job offers I would take and where I would live…but it was so freeing to consolidate how I did and now I feel like I am not too far away from being ok with buying a place to call home. I actually think I could buy a home, furnish it, and lose it all and still be ok with it because of my new perception of "things".

I was telling this to a friend who said she lost a home to another buyer (as though it was already hers to begin with) and she said, "Ya know…I just had my heart set on it." I believe this thought can stop us from looking for what is in front of us. It’s a sure way to experience disappointment and we seem to teach it to children young. Children at this time of year experience it with gifts. It’s nice to have some ideas about things, but should you really invest your heart in it?

Then it got me thinking about how I have had my heart set on people too. Talk about MAJOR disappointment. Is it not better to be open to the idea that something won’t come for us and someone won’t be there for us?

Fixating my heart in either scenario not only sets me up for disappointment but takes my eye off of the beautiful surprises life offers. It reminds me of when my driving instructor asked me to keep my eye further down the road than on the hood of my car.

I feel really wide-eyed and ready for what is next. If a cheap church or century home comes up and I am struck with the idea of getting it, I will…but I am more concerned if that is where I am supposed to be at the time according to the bigger plan that is waiting for me.

I won’t lie to you though, I could certainly make a lot more noise in it than an apartment. ;)

Just gotta be open to what comes my way.

I apologize for my really horrible reply time to emails, internet is questionable in my travels.

Much love on all of you this holiday season!

Karen :)

"Dreaming is one thing, and working towards the dream is one thing, but working with expectations in mind is very self-defeating." ~Michael Landon

Well, I am back from my first trip. I was in Orlando with friends…Cape Canaveral’s Beach was a highlight for me. I watched the Sandpipers for a very long time. If you have never seen them, they run quickly from the tide coming in and then as soon as it goes out again, they run quickly towards it picking up little bits in the sand.

The weather was humid compared to Los Angeles (which is abnormally cold right now but apparently compared with Ontario where I will be after the 15th of this month for quite a bit, it’s balmy) Overall I had a good time.

I had posted a status update about the chick who pulled the fire alarm at my hotel. I guess her and her roommate got into it (they seemed like women in their 20s) and the one ran out of her room yelling that the other stole money from her. She yanked the fire alarm, then people started coming out of their rooms to see what was going on. She proceeded to knock on everyone’s doors warning that her friend was a thief and she’d steal from us all! I went back in the room and called security and they said the police were on their way. The hotel manager and security were trying to get a straight story, she’s going off like some whack on Jerry Springer (oh in my status comment that was me yelling for Jerry Springer to help, she wasn’t yelling it….ha) Then a little while later, I hear some man in the hall say, "I’d never hit a woman, but I wanted to slap that crazy bitch!" I was thinking ‘WHERE am I?’ It felt like a Springer set. The man in the hall was telling some other people that he ended up having to shove her into a wall because she was so out of control and that was where the cut on her head came from. He said the Hotel Manager wanted a statement from him and he laughed and said, "I got no time to make some statement…" With that I laughed and shut my door thankful nobody wanted info from me. I was free. YAY!

Anyways, I now safe at home again until I leave for the cold North I grew up in. I will still have access to the internet for those of you who asked that….hahahaha but I am not mailing signed CDs until the new year. If you would like to order one, email me at stevermusic@hotmail.com and I can mail you one before I go. Same goes for CDs you would like to send as gifts. I can mail anything you want between now and Dec.14th. After that, it will be a few weeks into January. 

And of course, anything you’d like to buy or send as a Christmas gift you can pay for in the new year when your finances are ok. I don’t mind helping with you giving gifts. I don’t charge interest. ;) They are $15 to send anywhere in the US and $18 to send outside the US. I’ll send right away, you pay when you can.

I hope that helps a bit. :)

Pouring back tons of tea today to keep warm!

Happy Holidays!!
Karen :)

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."~Helen Keller

December is always a colorful month. It’s good to see holiday cheer beginning.

I haven’t really had a holiday in over a decade and this month I am taking family and friends up on invitations to go various places. It feels bizarre because I have been particularly shut in since Mom died on Dec 24th of 2001.

But, I am taking a different attitude and spending much of this month visiting and doing friend and family outings and travelling. I’m not gonna lie to you, I find it difficult and if you are a bit of a hermit, you may understand that.

Being a big ‘people watcher’, it’s interesting to see how other families react to the season which I suppose is part of what has turned me off of the holidays to begin with. But with taking on this fresh outlook, I am trying diligently not to be tainted by things I disagree with and let it slide a bit more. Public places really show bad parenting at its finest. Can you imagine what we don’t see?

Losing Mom was a wake-up call for me. I started out being very bitter that she was gone and people were still fighting. So I isolated myself for years. I realized that sweating the little holiday stuff is not worth it. It just doesn’t matter. I used to listen to arguments over which day someone would have Christmas, who would be hosting it, what food would be cooked, how much to spend on presents and despite everyone thinking the season is especially for little ones…the little ones would feel the biggest part of the stress. That bothers me when it’s parents fighting with their kids in an amusement park or shopping mall setting because those places were originally intended to bring people closer.(or uh, make money on bringing people closer…haha)

When I look back at my childhood, despite losing Daddy at a young age, my fondest memories were of me doing something or doing nothing WITH my Mother. I especially loved bringing a very large stack of books into her at night not necessarily with the hope of reading them all, but prolonging our time together before bed. It amazes me how parents are annoyed by it. If they really viewed it as it is, the child just loving to be with them, they might take a cooler approach to bedtime. I never argued with her over bedtime, she just made it enjoyable and I accepted the sleep part as being a necessary health thing for me because she explained it that way.

I know during the holidays depending on who I visit, I am going to see parents stressed out. As natural and somewhat normal as this is, if everyone jumped up into my Father’s airplane at a few thousand feet and looked down, they’d see how the little things don’t matter. I should say, the little quarrels don’t matter…because the hugs, kisses and small words are very important.

I know it’s economically been a tough year for many, but I am pretty sure most children could be ok with less ‘stuff’ if the parents would worry less about how the house looks and would get down on the ground and play with them. It’s my opinion that spending time WITH family rather than spending money ON family is what they will remember in 10, 20 and 50 years. I remember the toys and books where Mom played or read them with me. I only treasure those items because of the experience, not because of the bits and pieces themselves. There are so many great books now and many have forgotten about them. Kids love curling up with them if a parent is involved.

In other areas, there are lonely people (ie, families of soldiers etc) who would appreciate the time being spent also….of course, not just the holidays, but every day.

I hope all of you are able to take the opportunity this season to assess or reassess your relationship with your family, perhaps find someone you haven’t had a deep conversation with, ignore the housework and curl up on the sofa with them over tea.

I’m looking forward to doing just that.

Much love on you and Happy Holidays!

Karen :)

"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it." ~Marcelene Cox

Every day I hit delete on several profiles that ask me this question. I’m sure you all know it well. It’s a cute little rhyme, really…cough cough;

Check out my profile
And let me know
Do you like me
Yes or No?

And a picture is always attached.

Now in all fairness, I have actually never clicked on the website link. It seems like some kind of rating system where you can get friends just based on the look of a photo. I’m sure there MUST be more to it, yeah? Maybe it's spam, which would signify some website is desperate to feast on the low esteem of others too.

I don’t know exactly who started this but I don’t like it. I don’t like that we should ever rate someone’s picture or come to the conclusion that we like someone based on a photo. Don’t get me wrong, I love to look at photos and I find people’s faces fascinating, but doesn’t it seem like you are just asking for rejection by posting it with a question like that?

My big question in it all is why would you ever care if some random stranger likes you or not? We seem obsessed with making sure we look good to others.

I am more concerned if I like me…I am so far past caring if someone else likes me.

If this rating system is working for you, all the power to you, but please don’t post them on my page. I delete them not because I am saying I don’t like you, but I don’t want to perpetuate something that I think is harmful to our character. Send me links to your art, your music, your garden, your new puppy…but I hope to like you based on your spirit. :)

Hope your week ahead ROCKS!

Karen :)

"If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone." ~ Maxwell Maltz

Incroyable! (that’s the Canadian in me creeping out, although my background is German, not French…ha!)

It means ‘incredible’ and is really all I can think to describe my birthday present last night.

Cirque du Soleil has the Big Top set up beside the Santa Monica Pier. So it was 30 minutes from me! After a lovely dinner, we wandered around the tent for half an hour looking at the fabulous merchandise. You could really go broke if you weren’t careful. I didn’t buy anything, I am not really much of a shopper, but I love to look.

The show that was playing is called Kooza which really feels like a return to the travelling Circus unlike the extravagant Vegas-style Cirque shows. (which I still hope to attend sometime) This show was a raw display of physical and comedic talent. While the set was stunning (you forget how vibrant color really is) and the costumes ridiculously beautiful, my focus was on how many people there were eager to inspire the audience. In fact (without blowing the storyline) I felt that the main character was lonely and depressed and he was visited by the spirit of inspiration. For anyone who has gone through a bad depression, this show is for you. For me personally, I walked away thinking that the group I saw somehow had decided that they were going to live their lives fully without boundaries.

The music is live and the musicianship made me think all radio is garbage. These are people who have specialized in their field, have given everything to their craft and completely love what they do. They make me feel like our standards have dropped too much.

I had a cute little chuckle with a girl beside me. I felt really proud telling her I was Canadian and we talked about the origins of Cirque being from Quebec. They initially had some brutal financial issues in the 80s but through our Government Arts Grants, they were stabilized and went on to be what it’s become now.

During one performance, there were a group of girls who could bend their bodies any which way and I leaned over to her and whispered, "Every woman here all of a sudden feels inferior." Then a little later in the show, we watched the ultimate acrobat on a high hamster-style wheel (video below) do the craziest stuff I have ever seen. She leaned over and said, "Now the men feel inferior."

But I thought, you know, they weren’t here to make us feel inferior, they were living to inspire others. I don’t believe their lives are easy. They work enormously hard and they deserve the applause. We should be very proud of them and steal the energy they are sending out because I am sure they would love nothing more than to hear someone say their performance inspired someone. :)

Thank you all for the birthday wishes from yesterday. I am certainly feeling the love you are sending!

Here’s your inspiration! You don’t have to do this (HA!), but try to put equal passion into the thing in your life you love the most! The crowd went nuts for them…so exciting! This is a clip of my favorite act of the night; (from YouTube)

Now, go grab LIFE!

Karen :)

"I believe that the circus is a place where people can forget about the headaches and heartaches of life. And all the other countries getting along together is part of the magic that is the circus." ~Bello Nock

I posted a Status Update that said;

"Someone called me 'bizarre'. Laughed, then wondered, "Hmm, what word would describe me?" Guess they're right. HA! What word describes you?"

Many people responded with words like these; (to name a few)

Different, abnormal, unrealistic, stubborn, uni-original, odd, bananas, lost, eccentric, scandalous, hardcore, fun, crazy, awesome, rebel, socially awkward, hippie, restless, insane, freak, fugly, bipolar, weird, hermit, obscure, crass, incredible, amazing, focused, complex, creep, metalhead, unique, dumbass, odd, confusion, difficult, evil, retarded, unpredictable, contemplative, kindhearted, broken, exotic, coldhearted, devious, destructive, manipulative, dreamer, strange, weirdo, nuts, spazz, violent, contradiction, cool, fuct, esoteric agnostic, diabolical, dork, enigma, introspective, cocky, indescribable

These are my friends. We aren’t perfect, but in this world of chaos, do you like how we managed to find each other? Some of us like how we are and some of us are working on it. But we still love each other.

Much love on every single one of you…no matter how you describe yourself!

Karen :)

"I suspect the secret of personal attraction is locked up in our unique imperfections, flaws and frailties." ~Hugh Mackay

"Our sins are more easily remembered than our good deeds." ~Democritus

I saw that quote and I thought, "Yes, I do have people who will always remember me for something I screwed up." I mean, obviously it depends on how bad that thing was. Some people get fired for something and of course their boss will remember what they did wrong. If you go to jail for something you did, you will most likely be known for that. A champion boxer will be remembered for spousal abuse over the several titles he held. I understand all of that. I don’t mean to cite such extreme cases…this is me speaking more generally.

But I am reminded of what James Hetfield had said when he was performing to the inmates at San Quentin. It was something about being born with the same size souls and being born good. I think James did a great job at that prison of showing respect. He wasn’t there to rub anything in anyone’s face. He didn’t have them all released into society, but he did show respect.

If Democritus’ quote rings true, then I would think it would stand to reason that a person who is capable of performing good deeds does have a good soul. Now if the person is just absolutely rotten to the core, then maybe the good deeds are part of a bigger scam…but then, they wouldn’t care if they were remembered at all, right? Of course some people start off pretty good and then fall off the turnip truck along the way…I doubt they care how they are viewed either.

For those of us who would rather have the good part of us define our character, I think it’s a good starting place to look at what we remember or acknowledge in others. Is there someone in our life who has had the bad parts overshadow the good? For instance, in a marriage; could we look past the smaller idiosyncrasies and quirky behavior to see the person we fell in love with? Are we storing these faults in the fronts of our minds instead of the back and if the faults don’t further jeopardize our future, could we shove them out of heads altogether?

It’s painful when someone defines us by our screw-ups but if we hate it so much, could we start by looking past theirs? I don’t think this means we have to stay married to someone abusive or keep an employee who steals money, but I think we can begin to detach the human from their actions.

In my own experience, when I have reminded someone about the good they have done and ultimately the good person they are, the encouragement in many cases has caused them to be more like the person they want to be or know they are.

I think the goal is to strive to be the person we want to be and the person we know we can be based on our own personality with the hope of getting farther away from what we screwed up. Nobody is perfect and I think it’s more crucial now than ever to encourage everyone towards their right to happiness.

Much love on ya!
Karen :)

(quote is at the top of the blog) ;)

Dear Mom,

First of all, Happy Birthday! I bet birthdays in heaven ROCK! Do you still play the big pipe organ you were hoping to find? And what about the guitar, are you still playing? I bet you started back up again. I bet your fingers aren’t sore anymore. You know what? That sucked so bad when the chemo destroyed your fingertips. That crap is pure poison, isn’t it?

What is Odie doing, is she sitting beside you? Is her ear all bent still? Does my Filthy Cat like to sit on your lap? Thanks for asking God to send him, he did a really good job at the perfect time in my life. Someday I will have to ask him how he managed to get in this building all those years when he wasn’t allowed to. It’s probably not as hard as I think it is. On that note, is God as funny as you described him? He shows his silliness to me a lot. I’ve been having a Phoebe bird visit me lately. I didn’t even know what they were until I heard this loud call one morning. I know you taught me about all the birds in Ontario, but I don’t know the birds very well here. I search online a lot now.

How’s Daddy doing? Still flying his plane around? I bet he hangs out with all the animals. That is where I will hang out when I see you both.

I am doing better. I’m not as angry as I was. I am remembering to breathe. I am writing an awful lot. My writing has changed, but you may laugh at that and say it’s reverted back. You can either look over my shoulder or wait until I have it all done. Your choice! (like I could stop an angel from doing what she wanted to anyways….hahaha) It would seem that all I am doing is picking up where I left off almost two decades ago when things were going well. It’s like I need to buy an easel and begin painting with my fingers again. Is that what was meant by ‘coming as a little child’? Why are we taught all these complicated things that don’t even work? I love the intricacies of life and I like the complex make-up of it all, but Mom you were so right when you said there is nothing greater than love and to keep it simple. I’ve been trying to show it more even when it’s hard to do. What made it seem so easy for you? Keeping it simple has always seemed boring to me, but now I am starting to understand what you meant. You meant that some things really don’t matter…that love is the starting point that grows in a circle, not a straight line…that everything ends there too. I like the idea of the focus being there and then my crazy life can happen on the way. Can I still be crazy? It must have been hard for you marrying into all the craziness and then have to deal with the silly offspring. heehee

Do you still cry when you see all the hurt in the world? Did you ever think of compassion as a heavy anchor? I don’t want to lose it, but I am trying to find some sense of separation between the bad things going on and taking full advantage of this amazing planet. I don’t feel the need to save everyone like I did. I understand my job isn’t to control it anymore. But so many people are hurting these days, Mom. Do you remember crying on the edge of your bed just weeks before you died because you were so sad? The whole fall of 2001 was bad for everyone. I still can’t believe the Mommy instinct you felt in leaving us. Remember when I asked why you were crying? "I’m just sad to leave you all behind, because you are going to have such a big mess to deal with." I think it hurt you more that you felt like you couldn’t be around to protect us from it all.

But you know what Mom? I’m still here and despite it seeming like the world just continuously drops downhill, the last 4 years have been very good and going up! It’s been a ridiculous amount of work, but I don’t mind hard work. The big work has been in rebuilding my character again. I let some things slide that you taught me. I didn’t mean to, I was just overwhelmed by it all. I will try and apply all the things you said, but in all fairness, my memory is just coming back recently after the fog has lifted…so you’ll have to cut me some slack. ;)

I think we are all facing some enormous challenges, but when you were dying was when I saw you rise up higher than I ever witnessed from you! How did you do that? How did you show 1000 times more love to people around you when your organs were failing? How were you able to comfort us when your pain was so high? And can you show me how?

You are and forever will remain the greatest overcomer I have ever met. I long to see you every day. I doubt I will ever be perfectly ok with you being gone but I am seeing past all of that and understand that our lives are not all supposed to be the same length, but we all have the potential to achieve the same sense of purpose no matter how long we are here.

I love you, Mom! I want to be more like you!

Love you forever, Karen :)

"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children." ~William Makepeace Thackeray

Ah, Friday night. I’m sure many of you can relate when you live in a big city, you just hear "stuff". You can’t track down exactly where it’s coming from especially if you live in apartment corridors.

There are always random screams, kids crying, dogs barking and general craziness going on. It’s frustrating to listen to when you can’t exactly walk into someone’s home and ask what their problem is. I understand police officers can’t do much unless there is a definitive situation.

I’ve had so many friends over the years talk about domestic violence and I am also a victim of it from years back. So, even if a child is crying because they don’t want to go to bed, my past makes me think they are in trouble automatically.

The violence that I have personally experienced (I have family who have a lot of history as well) seems to have started what some may consider, "innocently". I don’t mean to lump play-fighting or wrestling in with this, but when you hit another person even if you think it’s playful, you run the risk of breaking down a protective wall of respect. Some people have a wonderfully unique relationship where they can play fight and it never turns violent. I get that. But you may be on the safer side if you are starting off in a new relationship to just avoid it if you can. I’ve seen it so many times be a playful part of a relationship, then some backyard BBQ with beer happens, someone gets pissed off and it turns violent because the wall has already been knocked down. For example, you are used to punching each other in the arm, stomach, chest etc, then during an argument, it’s easy to turn that into a real punch because you’ve already hit them there playfully. The wall has already come down.

So, the title of my blog is not for the playful, loving relationships.That title is specifically for those who think they are justified in striking another person. Someone had asked me recently if a man was allowed to slap a woman back if she slapped him first. My response is that she is no more justified striking him than he is her. Many women live under the protective blanket of, "I’m a woman, he can’t hit me" and they use that as a free license to hit him. I’ve witnessed it firsthand where I have personally thrown myself between two people so he wouldn’t hit her back, but she was WAY out of line. We see it in movies all the time where women slap men. It’s easy to be all brave when you think there are no consequences. Most men won’t press charges because the police side with the women, but he should at least consider finding a nicer person or counseling.

My advice having been through domestic violence is that if someone strikes you, get out. It rarely gets better. Charge them, do what you have to…but hitting, punching, kicking etc is a violation of another human’s personal space and it is wrong. Few people can erase it from their arsenal and it can be pulled out again and again later on.

If you feel the need to strike at someone first, may I humbly advise you to take some courses in communication because it would seem you are unable to resolve a problem with your words.

ROCK THE WEEKEND, HOPE IT’S WONDERFUL!

Karen :)

"Do all things with love." ~ Og Mandino