I believe that every person in the world plays a role in the lives of everyone they meet. Nothing is an accident.

For example, you're running late to work because you hear your phone ring as you walk out the door and you turn to run in and answer. As you race to the phone and reach for it, it stops ringing. Looking at your watch you get irritated because a fucking telemarketer has made you even later than you were. You turn to walk back to the door when you hear a loud crash. You see a person has successfully planted their vehical into the steps that you'd have been pinned against, had the phone not rang.

Yes, that example seems a little far fetched but, honestly don't you get that feeling sometimes?

There are so many bad things that happen to people that result in good. Had I never dated Darren Crockett, where would I be right now and who would I be with. I used to blame losing my job and all the other shitty things that happened last winter on him (and yes he was the main cause), but i no longer hate him for what has come of them. Who knows, if it werent for him, perhaps I would still be working at Movie Starz on peterscreek, living with my mom still and single. I might still be a stoner, and searching high and low for the next shitty guy to screw up my happy go lucky out-look on life. There would have been no Rodney, no Richmond trip, no attempts to move to California, no crazy job searches, no $400 doctor visits, no unintentional harsh words to my pregnant friend, no Sears, no Zach.... nothing. What I'm saying is, I had the SHITTIEST winter last year, but had none of that happened, my life wouldnt be where it is now...

and that is why I'd like to say THANK YOU DARREN CROCKETT! Thank you for getting my morals out of whack! Thank you for forcing me not to talk to my best friend! Thank you for cheating on me with AT LEAST 9 girls! Thank you for helping me lose my job! Thank you for giving my mom a good reason to kick me out! Thank you for robbing me of my favorite keyboard, and nearly $1000! Thank you for all of those things because had you not ruined my life, I wouldnt be as happy and thankful as I am everyday now.

You see even the pieces of shit play a role in the balance of life. So be thankful, because they suck so much for a reason.

THE END!

XoXo*HaL

so there's this guy that i had a thing for for about three or four years and when I was with my ex i made a joke that if i ever got the chance to be with the other guy, i'd drop him (the boyfriend) like a bad habit. Deep down I knew it was true though, but i also knew he'd never give me the chance. (in my defense he was the worst boyfriend ever) Well... last night I had a dream about this guy.... (A DREAM!)... and he actually gave me a chance, told me that he realized he had feelings about me and knew i'd liked him for a while, and for a lack of better words said "Let's go!".... and so we're laying down... in a bathtub of all places and he leans over me and I realize that he's wearing my boyfriends name tag. Before anything can happen I stop him and burst into tears because even in a dream the thought of cheating on him seems wrong and evil. I couldn't give up such a good thing, even for a guy who i've been "secretly in love" with for 4 years. CUH-RAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XoXo*HaL

I hate how every time the seasons want to change my whole mindset goes out of whack. It has always seemed to me that their was something bad in my life to set the constant tears off, but now its different. Now, my life is going well, I'm very happy with my home life (aside from the fact that I hate being home alone), my work is going great, my friends are wonderful (sept Cho, poor thing with her surgery, God bless you cho!) and my boyfriend is the best thing thats happened to me. Yet, still I find myself asking for more, in the floor and in tears because something inside me is in pain. My only reasoning for this is the season changes. Everytime it goes from summer to fall, fall to winter, winter to spring, and spring to summer, there's a good 2 to 3 week time period that I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I want someone to just hug me for minutes at a time. The worst part about it is, is that I find all these other things to blame the sadness and pain on, and it causes more trouble. I feel like I push away my boyfriend cause I'm like a 3 year old who constantly needs attention. Its hard to explain that when he walks out the door and I'm all alone again, I burst into tears because I'm not emotionally stable with the seasons? i guess. I wish I was normal and I keep telling myself that theres nothing to be upset about, but I still crave the feel of someones arms around me. I want someone to hold me and let be feel like its gonna be ok, because I DONT FEEL OK otherwise. I thought this 'upset over nothing' bullshit was supposed to end. I just don't know why I have to involve someone else to make me happy, cause its not their fault i'm sad in the first place. I feel like I'm gonna lose the best thing thats happened to me over some dumb emotional shit i pull. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *sniffle* why cant i just be normal??

XoXo*HaL

        The other day at work, I was ringing up this older woman and her ninety year old mother. They were there shopping with their four year old grand daughter/ great-grand daughter. The two women were very sweet and casually spoke with me as they made their selections. As this long but very pleasant transaction came to an end, the grandmother asked me if I believed in prayer. I paused at first because I was stunned. At that moment I realized just how many of my prayers have been answered. I told her yes. She smiled and told me how glad she was to hear that, thanked me and the three walked away. 

        What amazes me is just how simple it is to forget all the things we're thankful for. When that woman spoke to me, she took me back to January when I felt my life was crumbling to the ground. I remembered feeling so empty inside and so hopeless that I actually prayed for forgiveness and hope. I asked for strength to make it through the heartache. I didn't even know who or what I was praying to, but someone seemed to listen. Again in April I found myself in prayer. I asked for help in helping myself. I asked for the strength to stand up for myself in a relationship even if that meant ending it. I asked for help in finding an apartment and fixing my priorities.

        Looking at my life now in comparison to January and even April, its like I'm a whole new person. I have new friends, some remain the same. I have a new job, my own apartment, and a new perspective on things. Most of all, I have a new boyfriend who I wouldn't trade for the world. Maybe its too soon to really be saying that, but I'm just so thankful for him. I couldn't be happier. Life is so much brighter and more stable.

        Basically the whole point of this blog is to say that everything happens for a reason, good, bad, whatever. If you have faith in something better, whether it be God, Buddha, Ala, or even a higher power in yourself, it doesnt matter. Having faith in something is all that truly matters, because when you hit rock bottom its always nice to have something to pray to. And who knows maybe 6 months down the road you'll realize all those prayers were answered.

XoXo*HaL

Seeing that racist ex of mine the other night made me so happy to be with who I'm with now. I've realized my priorities have switched up a bit. I decided to no longer take shit from guys, and now there's no shit to have to take. Its amazing. I feel like learning from what happened with Darren, and actually applying those lessons to my life has paid off completely. I don't wanna sound corny or anything, but for the first time in my life I'm truely happy in a relationship and I don't feel used. I'm just blogging cause life is looking up and I felt like bragging lol.

XoXo*HaL

XI. Thou shalt not co-sign on a lease.

i feel like i cant truely say what i want to say in my blog, considering the people i know for sure will read this. Its like part of my life is a lie, and thats hard for me. I've spent a long time trying to be an honest person, and for the first time, i'm actually obligated to keep certain areas of my life a secret. There are only a handful of people who know what i do when i get off work, and where i'm gonna live for the next 5 weeks. I find myself scared to ask my dad about this co-signature i need. Unfortunately the key word in that sentence is "need". Whatever, I cant even talk about what i wanna talk about on here. Sigh, what i can say though, is that my life is going pretty well, so if i COULD say the things i wanna say, it'd be pretty positive. For once I actually feel like i found what i was looking for. As far as work goes, I seem to always find something that makes me smile, even if that involves proposing to random employees, and giving sneak hugs to people. k i'm done.

XoXo*HaL