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cori [soundwaves]



Last Updated: 12/28/2009

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Age: 22
Sign: Scorpio

State: North Carolina
Country: US

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[25 Nov 2009 | Wednesday] 2:51 AM

Current mood:  frustrated
Category: Writing and Poetry
Spin me round
Catch me fast
Kiss me hard

I want to feel like I belong
stitched into the etchings of existence;
kept in mind,
held close to heart.
I want to fill someone's thoughts like a disease
I want to be someone's addiction,
I want to replace all those bad days
with pleasantries and good laughs
I don't want to be forgotten,
I don't want to be that girl
I don't want to be pushed aside.

Spin me round
Catch me fast
Kiss me hard

I want to make you feel invincible;
behind these cinnamon eyes
is love begging to be given
away on elegant wings
and received by open arms...
I want to be more than just a doll
I want to pull someone's smile from the shadows
I want to be someone's priority,
more than just a girl
I don't want to be forgtten,
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be pushed aside.

Spin me round
Catch me fast
Kiss me hard

Where has the time gone?
Maybe everything I've been trying to save
has already died, and can't be revived
I don't want to be pushed away.
I want to be accepted.
I don't want to be old news.
I want to be yearned for.
I don't want to be just a remnant.
I want to be missed.

I don't want to be just a stand in.

Maybe what you need's beyond me...
But I'm trying.
Trying to warm a cold heart
while repairing my own
Trying to laugh
Trying to smile
Trying to convince myself
that the world doesn't hate me
that they're not ripping me apart with their dirty eyes
that they're not tearing me down with their filthy words
Trying to forget my own insecurities -
while trying so hard not to be ignored.


Trying never seemed so hard.
 
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[19 Nov 2009 | Thursday] 5:08 PM

Current mood:  miserable
Category: Life
Nov. 19th. 2009.
22nd Birthday.

I think I'm broken.
I've puked 10 times now, crying and feeling completely miserable.

And I know she's there with you in spirit -
because now I'm nothing to you, a turn of a switch and you've forgotten.
I can't help but feel terribly alone, lost and depressed with everything that's going on.
You never loved me like you loved her, maybe now you can be happy...
It tears me apart, you know...

Why am I puking? Someone tell me. 10 times, really?, can't hold anything down.
The world's spinning; colored like mosaics through these crystal tears.
I feel like an alien is incubating inside of me, churning and moving beneath these layers of skin; eating away at my organs like a parasite. Killing me.

I sweat cold. And all I can think about is how much better it would be if you had been here; the final wish a girl could ask. My birthday no less, for a prince to charm her, take care of her, brush back her bangs and kiss her forehead as she lays writhing in pain.

There's nothing that can express how much I hate today.
How much I'd like to rip out my heart & stomach and lay them to rest.
Float them away in a boat on the river styx, say a prayer and move on.

As I lay here between bouts of nausea, trying to close my eyes and fall asleep
to negate the pain - all I can think about are the things you said, leaving me tattered here without motivation for anything. It's hard to move, to keep my body hydrated when every time I drink, I throw every droplet back up.

I want to rip myself apart and build a monster
to shield this broken heart of mine.
I can't see clearly, can't think logically.
My insides hurt so badly...

"You were everything and now You are nothing"
plays in my mind like a broken record, taunting everything I am - reminding me.
cursing me. And I lay here, I wonder. Could pride have turned us into such monsters -
what lives inside of me now? What virus or monster brews in the womb of tomorrow?

All I can do is hate today.

The day you threw me away.

 
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[19 May 2009 | Tuesday] 5:37 PM
take a moment
think

close your eyes
relax

breathe in
breathe out

im exhaling your drama
the bullshit, the bitching, the moaning
im forgetting how imperfect you made me out to be
how stupid and worthless yet so presentable
i seemed to be
a trophy made of flesh
with dead black snakes for hair
curling and twirling
but with a stare of darkness,
pain and despair

breathe in
breathe out

im exhaling your touch
the caresses, the kisses, the rough, the good
im giving up on the past
on those bright frostfire skies
that gripped and held
stole my soul
for so very long
still a trophy,
that's all I could ever be
for those eyes
and beneathe those skies

breathe in
breathe out

im exhaling all the right and wrongs
the abuse for your failures
the punishment for your anger
your gripping and shoving
the demon within you
that voice, those eyes

breathe in


im running


breathe out



we've run out of time.
broken promises
anger was your weapon
to hide those spiderweb lies
i was caught in the web
couldn't see
couldn't breathe


but now I...

[breathe in]
[breathe out]

now I see
you'll never be a prince for me
 
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[13 May 2009 | Wednesday] 5:47 PM

Category: Writing and Poetry
lock me up,
far away,
hidden and safe
but never sane
help me kill this addiction
that rushes and pulses
like wildfire
through these dead blue veins

lock me up
and keep me down
entertain to distract
keep the thoughts away
to abandon this addiction
i've got to forget the drug
compile the memories into one
cut it up and burn it down

it's infected my heart
like worms, digging and feeding
tasting and shredding,
shards and daggers littered there,
pull the pieces away
let me bleed it out
along with each and every thought

my brain's beyond repair
sanity fled the night before,
running so fast she slipped and fell
this addiction quick to pounce
whispering sweet nothings
and
bullshit promises
insanity rules this body now
her reign will end the game
erase the drug from each and every memory

stop
rewind
past all the smiles
and all the tears
past all the mistakes
and all the fears
stop
record

this is rehab,
she says it's over
i'll drain you from every part of me,
maybe then I can relive the years you've stolen
rebuild my mind and repair my heart
patch up the scratches and stitch up the gashes
no time for relapses,
no time for games,
i've got to lose it
I must survive.

this is rehab
she says it's over.
and I say goodbye.
 
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[17 Mar 2009 | Tuesday] 12:46 AM

Current mood:  distressed
Category: Writing and Poetry


Im so ready to get out of this state of mind,
to free myself from this lack of creativity -
be rid of this life-feeding parasite
that eats away at my mind and soul each and every day.
A home of my own where I answer to no one,
A place I can breath and regain focus.

A comfort zone to shield me from these snake eyes
and relieve me of those fairytale lies -
reality is brutal - like a zombie, tearing away my insides.
Leaving me infected beyond repair...

I yearn for freedom - for the old me I see in mirrors
she's clawing at me through the glass, extending elongated fingers towards me
she's begging me to bring us to safety - begging to keep our mind above the insanity.

To spread these tattered wings and take flight,
to beat against this stale air until I've flown above.
Until all I see are endless highways of voluptuous clouds.
Until I can finally sleep amongst the stars...

I will be free.
For I beleive in me.




 
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[30 Dec 2008 | Tuesday] 1:49 AM

Current mood:  crushed
Category: Writing and Poetry
Found.
I locked cinnamon crosshairs
on those frostfire skies
and immediately gave my heart to you.
Arms outstretched I fell so deep
my mind no longer could save me.
I let my heart lead me -
and my love rule me.

Now,
Here I am
Tired and bruised
countless nights pass
and Im here alone
looking for those gray skies to save me
to pull me above sorrow's waves
keep these filthy, morbid thoughts from my mind
and chase away my demons -
but I'm huddled in a corner,
crying black and bleeding blue.

Reverting back,
I fall,
buried in the hair of despair
and a tool to the knife in my hand.
Confused and scared,
I lie over here
and then over there.
Where can I rest?
when will I kill this anxiousness?


Can't help the thoughts pouring around me
swallowing me whole like a gigantic beast
my heart flutters violently against its cage of bone -
trying to flee far away from me and far away from you.
Shadows cast beneath these once vibrant brown eyes
blood on my lips - metal in my face
and knives on paperthin skin -
making me into a carpenter's canvas -
I'm an open sore for you baby.

Can't you see?

Everything and Nothing affects me.
My voice is low and I'm afraid I'll lose it.
What can I do to fight away my demons -
you aren't here to hold me,
you won't be here to save me.
Day by day, night by night
the world grows darker
they come closer
my mind grows weaker
they come closer
my heart gets colder.
they've dug these metal talons into my back.

Can't you see?

Baby
I'm lost in these thoughts of you
My love will be the death of me
Here I am,
Shawled by darkness
These demons have invaded me
I inhale death and exhale sorrow
I'm moving day to day -
but I feel nothing but the pain I've become -
A Walking Breathing Wound - Gaping and Bleeding.

Come tell me we'll be okay.

My words are lost to deafened ears
blind to covered eyes -
where are you?
These emotions - this love you've injected in me
You say it all pushes you farther and farther away from me
But it's my heart you're leaving -
stranded we are, here in the darkness
and
where are you?
I write words you'll never read -
A scream for help - but
the world won't understand.
You know it's meant for you -
but I know you'll leave me here.
Cold and Shivering -
I'm here in these black and lonely waters,
Drowning.
 
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[26 Dec 2008 | Friday] 9:25 PM

Current mood:  disappointed
Invisible chains were tugged by invisible hands of shadowy figures with wide smiles and jagged teeth.

Her body withstood the force but her mind grew restless with the effort;

futile attempts at keeping herself aloft above the masses, at keeping a smile on.

Her heart raced and hands rose to press against the darkness,

to grab those invisible chains but her strength had long since abandoned her.

Weak and vulnerable, tattered and torn;

a puppet without a master,

she sat dormant,

eyes staring blankly into the distance as if darkness was all she could see.

Failure;

those jagged teeth parted and her demons spoke with hoarse voices and angry tones.

Fingers hovered aimlessly over plastic keys,

 frozen in the disruption of clear thought.

Simplicity died and began to rot…

as her mind frantically sought out a way to retrieve her sense of emotion.
 
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[26 Dec 2008 | Friday] 6:11 PM

Current mood:  betrayed
Category: Writing and Poetry
Slow and steady
there's a beat
fading in
fading out
to the strums
of a heartbeat
I'm flicked,
moving, flying on soundwaves
arms out, eyes open
watching the world flash by me
It's picking up,
faster, harder
wait---
slower, softer
I'm dancing on music notes
held aloft by airwaves
gentle gusts
that push like kisses
I'm tumbling down
on low keys
cast aside - but never lonely
I'm flying - dancing - tumbling
until like snow
I kiss the grungy earth below
waiting for the storm
to wash me away-
waiting for the world
to toss me astray-
I'm ash
on the tip of cancer
I'm smoke, dancing like angels.
 
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[23 Dec 2008 | Tuesday] 7:03 AM

Current mood:  enraged
so, if you want to hear a story
listen close and come harder -
bits and pieces might not make sense
after all it's from a frayed mind
with nothing left but blackened tatters and broken string (redrumredrum)
so long ago, i fell in love
so deep i couldn't breath and so beautiful was this love facade
perfection touched my fingertips like angels
only to crumble to ash as sirens blared
darkness fell and monsters brewed and grew like a birth reversed
my king attached his strings - strung me up like a paperdoll
kissed my ankles and marred bloody fingerprints over my body
tainting me into imperfection, forcing me into degeneration -
out came delirium to catch me fast - a wide smile stretched from side to side
and latex gloves covered in day-old flesh snapped over skeleton fingers
now the slave's the mistress and the master will fall
kings will bow to their queens - you'll be the first and last my dear.
Oh sweetheart you've made your bed, you've created this beast of a woman -
and now you shudder in fear, you cower - covering your ears in a panicked fit to ignore.
There's no running - oh no - there's no where to go where I can't find you
Sputtered words spit from those mounds of flesh called lips - "Be reasonable"
There was no time for reason when lies poured from that dirty mouth of yours,
when that pathetic existence was crafted and strewn about for the world to see.
Keeping the truth hidden deep and dark - so no one dare expose you.
Those deceitful eyes that watch - I'll sew them shut oh so taut
those luscious lips that I once longed to kiss - those lips from where lies of romance spilled;
I'll staple them closed like a human doll's - you've created a monster you can't control.
How does it feel? Can you taste your own blood beneath the seams? Do you smell the rusted metal coming near?
The question burns through my brain like liquid earth - searing away what's left of your beloved 'rationalization' -
I'll carve a "Y" into your chest, rip the flesh away to see if a heart really does exist -
what will I find beneath sloth's fleshy robes? Malicious you claim? I'll show you malice, my dear.
I'll carve a "?" into your skull before I drill it open to pick your brain -
tell me again how right you were then, how important it was to make me feel so low? Tell me again.

You took every ounce of my love and turned every last droplet black -
and now you cannot face the hate you've brewed like century old wine - potent it stands before you.
We all know the truth - no matter what you say - we've seen it all through the days.
When hearts were in my eyes and I saw nothing but you - you ripped me apart ruthlessly,
now sweetheart, come to me - so that I may offer you the same -
I could only imagine that this is what you've always wanted,
for hatred does not even begin to describe...
 
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[04 Oct 2008 | Saturday] 12:21 AM

Current mood:  devious
Category: Writing and Poetry
Your eyes remind me of the reaper
and your kiss tastes strangely of blood
I'm not afraid of you.
You wrap the collar tighter
I'm losing circulation
fainting into nothing
clawing frantically,
gasping, heaving.
I won't run from you.
You tug the leash harder
I'm falling behind
struggling to catch you
chasing violently
running, stumbling.
I won't hide from you.
You're promising me the world
I'm believing
falling victim to your schemes
over and over again
crying, screaming
We never change.

Can't you see?
I'm ready to make a noose of my own
wrap it tight, tug it hard.
Will the clouds cry?
Will you realize what you've done?
Where can I go,
if you're gone?

So weak and fragile we are.

But... maybe it's just me.

Took me long enough to realize
but I think I've found the answer

It's got nothing to do with me

I'm regaining composure
Gotta keep moving
I've got the whip and we're dancing
Moving seductively to the beat
It's me and it's you
And we're tangled
in bedsheets -
but I'm no longer your slave.
Not the girl you knew.
I've overcome your seduction,
now I'm playing the game with my own.

Can you resist these curves
These sin kissed lips?
Give in to me baby.
Cause now I'm in control.
I've got the reigns;
Your glamour won't work
nor your sweet, sugary lies -

Now it's your turn to submit.
Kneel and show me your eyes.
Let me fish for your soul
deep in those frostfire skies -
Play with fire
And you'll be burned -
My chains are heavy,
Can you hold them up?

Are you sure you want to lose your soul?

Do my eyes remind you of the reaper?
and does my kiss taste strangely of blood?
Are you afraid?
Breathe.
Will you run?
Catch up.
Will you hide?
I'll promise you the world.
Do you believe?
Fall.
.
.
.
Maybe we can change.


(First part written about this time last year. Latter, today)
 
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