Too many people are obsessed with being in love and having a significant other. This falsified fairy tale love story really sickens me.

it's not jealousy, its just plain apathy.

A lot of people, me included, need to grow up.

Shit talking, at your age? Really? Trying to bring down the confidence of someone 2, 3 years younger than you? Really?
Or talking to shit to someone older than you in hopes of them actually giving a shit? C'mon now.

Nobody cares about anybody anymore, catch up with the times.
Life is too awesome to give a shit.

I'll have little flashbacks. Sometimes I think I see you at school and my heart jumps into my throat for whatever reason.
Going on four years now... three years without your advice has really messed me up. It's a bit sad how I relied on you for advice, but you were the only person to ever be blunt and straight to the point.
Yes, I still have your box of things under my bed. I used to look through it and cry, but now I'm able to look at it and laugh.
It's a comforting feeling, really.
It's horrible though... knowing how you are now, and what you could have been.


The comforting thing about having a "serious" boyfriend, is their family. To me, anyways. I've never been a "family" person, my family is my friends.
I kind of miss the stomach twists and meeting someone else's mom and dad and hoping that I'm accepted.

It's an unhealthy thing to relate everything to one relationship, the past is the past.
I don't do it very often, but I'm thinking that we all subconsciously do it... but more of us do it purposely.


Why start off a blog like that? I wasn't even thinking about it. But people will read it, I'm sure. People are interested in other people's love stories, another person's misery.
Although it isn't misery for me any more, just an uncomfortable feeling.
I am not ashamed in saying that I'll always love you. You were a lot of firsts for me, and I to you. I can't hate you, I've already gone that route.
I know you (or at least I did), and sometimes I just wish you would swallow your pride.
You don't seem to have changed much.



2009 is probably one of the most important years so far, next to 2007. Why? It just feels like one. Learning so much about other people, including myself. Losing myself in other people and then finding myself alone again.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy.

Although, I think that I've become the person I always observed but never wanted to be.

I don't even feel 18. I have so much growing up to do... at this rate, my simba tattoo is all too befitting for me. I don't think I'll ever get the mane added onto it.
I don't think I ever put here how much this tattoo meant to me. Not only is it for myself, but it's also for my dad. We would always watch lion king together, he made it a necessity to get me everything and anything lion king related... he even bought my ticket for the broadway show a couple of years ago. This year, I really want him to go too.
Simba was a little kid, trying to act big and brave. He strived to be on top of it all, to be king as soon as possible, whether ready or not. Pride.
It took running away to really grow up, and I feel like that's what I have to do as well. Leave home, grow up, come back later.
I would be able to describe this better, had I not just woke up around 10 minutes ago.


A recent trend in illustration has been patterns. I can't do patterns... I get impatient.
People question as to why I don't get my own work tattooed onto myself. I only want the artists that have influenced my style.
The case with my drawings is that I usually dislike them a couple days later, or I find ways to improve them.... also, a lot of drawings are never really "done". The same with recording music.
I have so many lyrics written down, I'll start recording. The off-chance that I finish, I'll delete it the next day because I'm unhappy with the result. This is a process that I haven't been able to stop.


Within the next year, I'll be moving to Austin. I'll live with my mother for a while, until I can get enough for my own place downtown, with a roomie of course.
It's time to get the fuck up out of this town, I'm tired of being held down. I'm tired of all the bullshit that people spew here, I'm tired of the drama and everyone is just one big fucking baby.
Austin has so much more to offer me. What with the scene there, the people, the opportunity...
A piece of me always wanted to be "the next big thing from a tiny town", but this town isn't that tiny any more.
I don't want to leave my dad... but that might be something that's holding me back. I'll only be two hours away...

I like to take advantage of every creative outlet that I have at my fingertips. Drawing, painting, music, videos, anything! The sky's the limit in the world of art.
Owning a camera does not make you a photographer, just like owning a pencil or paintbrush doesn't make you an instant artist.
I still stand by not being able to give yourself the official title unless you're being paid for it.

I've always wanted to live the stereotypical life of "the starving artist", but I think I may need to get a job soon...


2009, everyone is moving on with their lives. I don't want to feel like a child forever. I have a tender heart and I cry easily, that may or may not be able to change.
I'm well overdue for a check-up on these walls around it, but I hope the time never comes.
"The only way to find happiness is to risk being completely cut open." I'm always cut open, filling the whole room with my liquid love.

My blog has nearly 4000 views and I haven't updated in a long while, hey.

Goodbye to summer 2009. I had high hopes and it didn't disappoint.

I got a job when summer started, and quit before school started... I didn't want to though.
I got new friends and new memories.
No "summer flings" and I can't really say that I'm disappointed... honestly, who cares anymore?
I would like to say it was eventful and list things that happened but honestly, I can't remember... isn't memory loss linked with sleep deprivation? Hmm.
All I can say is so many late nights, SO SO SO SO much driving, handful of shopping, wonderful acquaintances, so many deaths.




This year isn't failing to disappoint.
Summer took one of my friends to Austin, 2009 will take one of my friends to Germany.


I'm waiting for my train ticket out of this town, I'm waiting for my plane ticket out of this state.


I started college and sometimes it really just does feel like high school that I'm paying for... but that's okay... I guess.
This semester, I have composition, tai chi, women's emphasis, photography, and algebra.
One small step towards becoming a hopeful illustrator.





Quite frankly, I'm looking forward to the rumored "end of the world".

is someone as "different" as I am. My equal, my immovable object. Someone with an artistic mind and just has a different perspective on things.
Being artistic, creative, or open-minded is core. I can't have someone continuously calling me weird or not appreciating the things I do or make.

Someone that knows where they're going in life. Someone that will accept the fact that I can be a handful at times.
"Easy come, easy go" I keep on fighting.
Sometimes it takes a lot to win me over, but if I like you, it doesn't take much at all. Trust me, you'll know if I like you or if I just find you annoying.
Someone that knows how to balance things in their life because I sure as hell don't.

Someone that will make me smile and make me laugh. Someone that will be honest with me. Someone that will inspire me, because I'm running out of my own inspiration.
Someone that will call me cute or beautiful on days when I feel my worst, and someone that will force the truth out of me because I have trouble telling others my feelings face to face.
Someone that can be a shoulder of support when I need it most.
Someone that I can talk to about anything of my own free will.
Someone that asks questions about me, and someone that leaves me wondering.

Someone that doesn't mind lazing around, watching movies and chit chatting.
Someone that doesn't mind going out.

Understand that I will never give up because I know someone like this is out there, I've tasted it.


Just don't fucking lie to me. Don't lead me on, because you're doing so much damage to walls that have already been plastered.
I need someone that will move FORWARD with me. I'm tired of waiting and I'm tired of taking steps back.

I know you exist, and I know you're CLOSE! We would make a great team, unstoppable.
I am SICK of playing these stupid games, I want something real, someone that will make an impact.

I can't leave bothers me.

I find myself from going completely independent to the complete opposite. It's a killer thing to deal with, and an annoying thing to deal with.

from old to new.

when the light pressed up against your shoulder blade
I could see what you were reading

oh the glory that the lord has made
and the complications you could do without
when I kissed you on the mouth



I have no idea what it means to trust someone. I can seem so confident and sure of myself, have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude, but in some cases, I do care. I care too much.
I am so easily infatuated by other people. But not just any person. I need to really like them in order to get wrapped up.

EVERY SINGLE TIME I let someone in, they just leave after that accomplishment. So I try to not let them in so easily. By not making it easy, they just leave anyways.

Tell me why I always feel like I'm wasting my time with every single person I like. I'm not the prettiest girl ever and I'm probably something you haven't handled before.
I do need attention seeing as I spend nearly every day alone. I do need affection as a sure indication that you like me too.

I am so sick of being told I'm different, cute, etc. I would KILL to be in another meaningful relationship. It doesn't have to be for a year or whatever for it to mean something.
I just want to be wanted again. i want someone that wants to see me, I want someone that misses me. I want to be called beautiful on days when I feel my worst and get a kiss on the forehead.

I want to be asked "what's wrong?" when I'm feeling down and I don't want it to stop until he gets the real answer out of me.


I am SO SICK of being considered just another lay. Another knotch on your fucking bedpost. I am worth SO much more than that.
I'm always told that I deserve better, but the next thing is just the same as the last. Maybe I don't know what's best for me, but neither do you.
I'm TIRED of people just thinking of me as some WHORE that sleeps around with anything that moves. I'm TIRED of people thinking that my intentions are just for sex.
I'm tired of people just using me for that.

I HATE boys that constantly flirt with me. It's annoying. A fucking smiley face doesn't mean I'm flirting with you. Get over yourself.


I just feel like I'm wasting my time and that the feelings I have won't be returned.
I feel like I can't trust and from what was once before good vibes, they're now declining and I can feel it.
and then I lose because everyone already warned me about this.
and I cry and all I can do is think to myself
its all a part of His plan, and everything happens for a reason.

this might be a long one?
I'm just going along with the flow.

I battle with myself when I try to decide as to whether or not our fates are predetermined. The ones inside oppose each other! One so free-spirited, the other, a realist.
Listen to the battle.
There's a design to everything. WE control our lives and we can change them as we see fit. Right?
NOTHING could possibly be set in stone when we haven't even been born yet, but that could be part of the design as well. Whether we are born, or have our times cut short, it's all a part of this big grand master plan.
All of these plans are just leading to our own demise. Everything WILL repeat itself.

It's a strange feeling when you think of how you see things. Through YOUR own two eyes, people see it too. What if we could look at ourselves without the aid of a reflection?
The things that we see everyday will never be the same as someone else sees.

Is it really possible to change the world when the intention of it? People we view as historial, inspiring icons now probably didn't think that much of themselves then... or maybe they did?
Some people are applauded after their death, but why? Is it because we then realize there may not be another like them? The things they make and say could never be duplicated without that said person coming to mind first.

How can someone deter spirituality as ridiculous? These are the people I have no hope in.

A little part of me believes that the world may soon be coming to its end. Not just because of how "bad" everything seems to be, it's just a feeling that our time is dwindling. Everything could still be hunky-dory and the world would still end.
All part of the design.
But what is it? Is this a sign that I need to stop being lazy? Or... ?
The world can't possibly end without giving me a chance at having a family of my own.

The whole idea of "the end is nigh" sounds a little bit silly... but who's to say?

I really want to know what our technology is prepared for.


now, let me just put down the stuff that I've had saved on my laptop for ages. It doesn't even feel like I typed some of this, haha.
I am an only child.
I get lonely often and sometimes I strive for attention, from ANYONE.

ever since I was little, I've always wanted a big brother... and I guess a big sister too.


It's funny how life is and how we ALL grow stronger, even though we don't think we are. If you're alive right now, you are strong. The longer you live, the stronger you become.



isn't it odd how we can feel so much for someone, but as time goes on, its reduced to nothing? This isn't always the case with everyone.

high school is coming to an end and it's scaring me like you wouldn't believe. I like to believe that I'm mature, but I know that the truth is I'm still a little girl. I hate the fact that I've had everything handed to me so I don't have the strive to work for anything.

Art block.

you are the only person that could ever make me hate myself. you don't even mean to, but you do.
I wish I could tell you how much I feel for you.

and you, you are the only person that intimidates me.

I hate how when valentine's day comes along, everyone whines about not having a valentine. Who cares? Valentine's day is no more special than any other day, in my opinion. People should be loved like this everyday, not just one day of the year.

I have big big big plans and I don't know how to go through with them or set them in motion... or maybe they're already moving? I can only hope the rode that I'm going on doesn't have too many twists and turns. At least not right now.

Right now, I can't seem to push myself to finish any schoolwork. It already became obvious that having a lot of money won't make me happy, and if it makes you happy, then you are superficial. I don't care who you are or who you think you are, money doesn't create happiness.
I wish I lived in the middle of nowhere, that way I could get so much done. Right now, I am doing what I love. Right now, I AM happy.




there's one more, a rather long one, but I'm not going to post it yet. I wish I had written down the dates on these.