300
By Dan Frigolette

Starring- No One You Know

I think it would be fair to assume that a good portion of you who are reading this saw the movie and just want to see what another would say in an attempt to confirm the feelings you had when you saw it as if to forge some bonding moments with the writer and relive the movie one more time. For you, I'm glad you're here and I appreciate the enthusiasm.

If that leaves any percent of my audience unrepresented I apologize on the one hand and slap you boldly across your face with the other and ask what are you waiting for?

The movie spent more than 6 months promoting itself on the internet...most notably on Myspace to build that need to view the carnage and action that viewers KNEW would be in store for them. They gave away very little of the movies action and back-story, a stroke of genius in my opinion. Those of you who have read me before understand my angst and opposition to movie previews. It is deep seeded and in my core. Created by big movie giveaways like Children of Men whose entire movie is better summarized in the preview than the 2 hours in the film, as well as joke killing over played teasers like in any pre-dramatic Carrey flick. Longwindedly said...this movie's promotion was perfect.

The story takes place in a world over run by a ubiquitous Turkish Empire that thirsted for more territory and outpopulated any of it opponents. The massiveness of the empire alone was its own strength and appeared in this film to also be its own weakness.  A Spartan king our main character is so over confident and pride filled that he aims to put 300 of his male warriors with sons to carry out their names against a historically unproveable number of Turkish fighters. Numbers vary anywhere from 200,000 to 2,000,000 in their records. Yet against 300 soldiers that difference should be nominal.

Although this movie doesn't close with a happy ending the history of this battle holds that the Turkish army suffered such innumerable losses that they were defeated shortly after.

You can read about our main characters ab training in last months Men's Health but it is more his speech training I worry about. Our character's lack of normal toned speaking does not allow true decieferage but at the apex of character build I sensed a hint of a speech impediment in the powerful words: THIS IS SPARTA!!! These words yelled, as he kicks the bearer of bad news into a bottomless pit when asked to choose war or allowing his country to be enveloped into the empire.  I can't confirm nor deny the impediment but is it possible to have a lisp only whilst yelling?

By now you'll realize you don't learn anything about the film from this review...and that's how I'll leave it.  But here's a piece of information: You Should Go See it.

Filmed in the attempts to preserve the origins of this film a graphic novel (long comic book) by Frank Miller (Marvel Comic All-Star) it brings the energy and comradery of Braveheart, and the originality and visual interest of Sin City. Packed with physically deformed giants, wonderfully formed abdominals, and Sun Tzu battle strategy, the movie 300 is worth the hype and maybe a little more.

300 can be seen every half hour at a theater near you for at least the next week.  Stop looking at porn and go see what I'm talking about.

Peak selling points
High body count.
Lots of action.
Lots of freaks.
Four transexuals.
And a humpback in a pair trio.
Beats a partridge any day.

Environment Highlight
It can only be my assumption to say out loud that if you don't have to lift your feet to avoid a toppled Diet Dr. Pepper for the entire 2^nd half of the movie, you will get much more enjoyment out of the film.  Although I can say…holding up my legs in the air for 60 mins gets me and my sore abdominals much closer to starring in the sequel to this film.

I'm a fan of chick flicks and all and you'll catch a tear or two grabbing air as it crests my cheekbone, but overall, this movie comes up short.

The story starts with Gray Wheeler (Jennifer Garner) thinking aloud at the funeral of her fiancée about what would be different if he were still around. Slow in going this movie takes time to really pick up and show signs of life.

We follow Gray on a path to discover herself thrown under the guise of trying to discover her fiancée. What she discovers is a path a lies, which lead her to realize that her "perfect boyfriend" was wielding a baby momma in Los Angeles, played by an adorable Juliette Lewis. Lewis and her potentially autistic son end up welcome guests in the ex-home of the recently deceased. A place where Gray has been staying with her ex's room mates who seem to welcome any and all with open arms. Things get ugly for a while, till Gray realizes nobody's perfect including herself, as she exposes the lies and unknowns of her life that she kept from her extinct groom-to-be during a dinner prepared by massage-therapist Lewis.

The movie rounds out with a DNA test and a few oopsie dasieys along the way. The value in this film is the down to earth portrayal of 6 lives forever affected in their own way by the loss of their, best friend, lover, father, roommate, fiancée.

Part of what I find annoying about this movie is an abandoned theme.

The first thing we find out about the recently dead is that he has yearly dividends of about $48,000 on a mystery account. We're told with dividends of that magnitude our unpresent character is holding somewhere in the vicinity of $1 million in an account that no one knows about. Gray goes in hunting for her fiancee's money in a weirdo/gold digger type of way as the dollar signs float past her pupils. Next thing we find out is that her slowly rotting BF has been taking out $3,000/month on one of his accounts.

The question of where the money came from is never answered, and we never know if she finds the account or the amount of this mystery fund. We are distracted by the 3k, evidently child support money to a promiscuous absent minded mamma and never revisit the fact that this guy was stashing money like Donnie Brasco. The audience should also be confused as to what business this unmarried man's girlfriend has in his assets whatsoever. Especially when later in the film it becomes clear that she doesn't get any money from his death.

The movie is not about his money, but they left it opened and unanswered. Sorry for noticing.

Overall, there are some redeeming characteristics of the flick. And you might actually enjoy it. But I wouldn't sneak back into a theater to see it again, even if Kevin Smith is kind of funny.

Peak of Disgust
A big part of this movie is each of Gray's (Garner) fiancée's friends telling her how much they want her and have been in love with her. In fact, Miss Garner ends up in the bed of one this dead guy's best friends. I was furious at the thought that I could be dead less than a week and the woman I trusted with my livelihood and future is balling my best friend. I was disgusted at the scenes and upset in general.

Oh for a tangent…I am utterly offended by the way the media (Hollywood) portrays infidelity and straight up cheating. It appears as though we (the audience) should be seduced by love over lust. Somehow because Meg Ryan is in love with the NEW guy its becomes okay that she is having sex while still dating the other "unworthy" man. FUCK THAT. Pick up your skirt and put on some balls Hollywood. We have become so immune to watching double, triple and quadruple timing, that it becomes okay. In life and in "art." There will be more cheating on film this year than last year and so on. If you're unhappy break up with the guy! Assume some personal responsibility. Fucking isn't for leisure (said with a British accent because it sounds better!).

All this being said. Don't fuck your best friend's girlfriend even AFTER he dies boys.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Starring Will Smith

Don't get me wrong, I went into The Pursuit of Happyness with high hopes and Oscar Nominated thoughts and expectations. I like Will Smith. He is very likeable guy. Funny, Handsome, Manly, Sensitive, Charming, all the qualities I aspire for myself and my male children. And whether this is what he is like in reality or not, this is the character he always portrays.

Hence my issue.

I expected a real gritty character study from this movie. The Pursuit of Happyness having not read the book, is essentially a happy fairy tale movie. I imagine the book has more in depth accounts of hard and psychologically demanding times. At no point in this movie do we feel that it is NOT going to work out for Will. And I'll continue to call him Will because he was not "Chris Gardner" in my eyes. He was Will Smith playing Chris Gardner. A subtle difference to some, and a "yeah duhhh" (excuse my late 90's reference) to others, but my point is that Will didn't dig in and really find this character.

All this being said. I liked the movie. It is a good movie. I will see it again, and most likely purchase the DVD.

It is a feel-good movie. For some it could be an inspirational movie. And it will pull on the heart strings. You will shed tears of sadness and sympathy (created so brilliant in movies to feel like empathy). You will shed tears of happYness. And you will probably feel pretty good when it is all said and done.

This movie just created the realization in my mind, that we never see Will Smith lose. I want him to play a loser. Someone who DOESN'T come out on top. This is even the first we see him on the big screen trying to overcome hardship.

I think that's why subconsciously I wanted to see this movie. I wanted to see Will Smith do sad. Do serious! This is a serious story, but not a serious movie. It's that eloquent Will Smith line that only he and few others can walk where you can laugh hard and then cry hard moments apart from one another.

I love you Will Smith. Do your thing. This is a DATE Movie. Get your girl to see you drop a single glimmering tear from the outside of your eye. Go see the movie.

Peak of Sadness
The peak of sadness in this movie comes in a scene where Will as Chris for the first real moment, has to swallow his pride and come to terms with the fact that he and his son have no place to sleep. The culmination is a very emotion scene holding his son and the door with his foot, crying on the floor of the public restroom in the San Francisco subway, their sleeping quarters for the evening.

Peak of HappYness
I'll skip the actual peak and movie resolution as to not ruin an otherwise warming in the chest moment in this movie. So I choose a very funny scene where Will starts chasing a man who has something that belongs to him. While running and trying to apprehend the man and more importantly, the belongings, Will's character darts in the street and is side-swiped by a relatively fast moving vehicle. He is lifted onto the hood and smashes the windsheild before being catapulted by the shocked driver's fast braking reaction. Will immediately gets up. Frazzled, but seemingly unhurt, in what appears to be a scene from a Dane Cook bit, Will basically IGNORES the fact that he was just hit hard by a car and only seems to be concerned that he is now missing ONE shoe. Angry, he yells at the man who hit him that he knocked the shoe off his foot, and to help him find it. Pressed for time on a pre-determined break, Will is forced to return to work, semi-shoeless, where he is reminded by a co-worker that he is only wearing one shoe. Will responds in a line only so many could deliver with such character.. "oh...you're right"

Environment Highlight:
Right before the movie an abrupt commotion starts 2 rows from the top in the stadium styled theater I turn to look to find someone folded over one of the seats getting walloped. Hit with an endless barrage of punches at the face until the agressee finally flipped over the seat and into the next row, thus fleeing from his attacker. Next to me a Star Jones look alike contestant dramatically screams "this is why I LEFT Brooklyn, so I didn't have to deal with all that!"

Welcome to NY

A NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM
Starring Ben Stiller, Robin William, Dick Van Dyke, etc.

Yeah I said it! Dick Van Dyke is in this movie. Need I say anymore?




Okay. I will. A Night At The Museum is worth the dime bag you didn't buy to pay for the movie ticket. With a cast of surprising guests and fictional characters, this movie is Fun, Entertaining, and potentially witty (depends on the Wit). I especially like anything that spills from the mouth of Ricky Gervais, Creator and Star of The Office (The clever British version, and producer of the more blatant American Version) whether it be full sentences or mere fragments, this Brit is the king of nuances and just knows how to be funny.

As for Ben Stiller, I'm happy to say he's taken a role similar to that of his usual, of a wimpy guy the audience wants to root for who becomes bound by annoying circumstances, and pretty much dropped the annoying out of the picture. The humor comes organically more than that usual uncomfortable groan and rear end in seat movement you find in other Stiller roles similar to Meet the Parents and There's Something About Mary. The problems he encounters become very fixable, and therefore less permanent, eliminating that awkward humor present in the aforementioned.

Dick Van Dyke does a little diddy and tap dance, and makes us laugh in the way only a proper Chimney Sweep can.

If I haven't explained the premise of this movie yet, there are some twists and turns to explain the otherwise fantasy driven museum nightlife, but the main concepts is: Everything comes to life at night. Set in a Natural History Museum this ranges anywhere from life-sized Dinosaur skeletons, to diorama sized hoards of Cowboys and Ancient Romans. Owen Wilson appears as the lead Cowboy and shares the usual Stiller/Wilson chemistry we've come to know and love.

Robin Williams surprisingly does not bring as much to the movie as I would have thought. But he also does a good job by not overshadowing the movie's star: Ben Stiller.

All in all I'd say take your babies, take your girlfriends, hell-- take your mothers (but no hanky-panky). This is a fun movie and you WILL laugh.

Peak of Hilarity
This is a debateable point but I guess then so is true of anything I've uttered so far and what can I say, I've got the podium. I feel the peak here is going to have to be a drawn out man against beast pissing contest, where Stiller and a basic organ grinder sized monkey go blow for blow slapping each other violently across the face. The monkey stays in there, and so does Ben, but I'm going to give this round to the monkey (he was deceased and stuffed, so you can't really argue with that).

Environment Highlights
I was in a large Manhattan theater of monumentous proportions (did I say it was big yet?). So I was far enough removed from anyone of the piles of mid-ranged teenagers who came out for this after 10pm showing on a Tuesday night, to not be too distracted by the Sidekicks and 2-ways being whipped out at any given moment. As a blackberry carrier and 6000 texts a month frequetee I cannot dig too far a gouge into this otherwise callous movie etiquette. But for god's sake, can you shut of the backlight you teenage bastard? I guess all I'm wondering is: Why didn't MY mommy buy me a fancy cell phone when I was 14?

JIMMY'S 43
43 SEVENTH ST @ 2ND AVE
8PM

NOVEMBER 30TH

Hopping the Subway turnstile to catch a train knowing my monthly had expired my blackberry/love making machine apparently flew from my hip holster--don't worry its accepted to hip it down here--As the doors closed I realized I was cellular-less and ran to the windowed doors like a horrified child. At the next station I got out and legged it in the middle of the street back to the last station only to NOT find my note taking machine of about 11 months of Poems, Bad Jokes, Dirty Pictures, and unrealized concepts.

The Blackberry is locked so I win this sick and twisted game of finders keepers, the only screen our young felon can access is an information screen with my name and email address asking for a password. Signs do not look good at the prospect of a returned mobile device.

As such....please shoot me your cell numbers and email address AND Filthy pictures of course.

Thanks!