Status: Single
City: LAS VEGAS
State: NEVADA
Country: US
Signup Date: 1/21/2006
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Friday, July 17, 2009
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Current mood:craving_some_pahoehoe
**This is an ongoing series recapping
my last vacation. It's taking a bit longer than expected, but don't
worry, as soon as I'm finished I'll catch up with blogs on current
events including my take on this whole Clinton/Lewinsky scandal.**
Each
day before dinner, we would meet in the lounge for a half an hour and
have a briefing where Carlos would recap what we saw and did and
preview what we'd do tomorrow. Some passengers were very interested in
writing down the names of all the things we saw while others just
thought to themselves, "When I blog about my trip, I'll just make stuff
up and no one will be the wiser." You know, just like that "sea lion"
creature I made up that you bought into hook, line, and sinker. Yeah,
like lions live in the sea. Duh!
When I went to Antarctica, there was a group of birders
on board who always carried around binoculars and a checklist.
Sometimes there'd be a shout and all the birders would run to the deck
to see a "lifer" bird which is the term for when you see a species of
bird for the first time and can check it off your "life list." I
glanced at one veteran birders list and next to the word "Sex" was an
unchecked box. If Peeping Tommery wasn't socially unacceptable, I bet
birders would have much more interesting life lists.
In the
lounge there were two menu-sized laminated charts of all the colorful
Galapagos sea life so we could identify what we saw while snorkeling.
Some passengers would study them intensely every day. The charts were
loved so much that when they went missing for a day or two near the end
of the trip, all hell broke loose until Upasana admitted to stealing
them just to sleep with at night because she adored them so much.
On day 4, before our first excursion, Carlos forced us to watch a documentary on lava. We learned about the two main types of lava
flows: A'a and pahoehoe. At least, I learned about them. Everyone else
feel asleep. They were either too hung over from the equator party or
had horrible flashbacks of trying to stay awake during one of their 8am
college classes. Man, those were the worst!
With the Galaxy safely anchored in Sullivan Bay, our dinghies
landed on the shore of Santiago island, home of a very recent
(geologically speaking) eruption a little over 100 years ago. Carlos
pointed out that we were walking on pahoehoe and so I excitedly checked
it off of my lava life list. Even though the lava trail was very rough
and jagged, Carlos walked barefoot which impressed the ladies to no
end. They were even more impressed when we serendipitously came upon a
bed of hot coals where Carlos executed a series of gymnastic flips and
tumbles and nailed the landing without even a grimace.
During the hike, Sonia, Kim, and Upasana joined me for a group phoon
(look at that lovely pahoehoe!). When the hike was over, we rejoined
Robert, Janet, and Maggie who were told by Carlos to stay back since
the hike would probably be too much for Robert to handle. I felt a bit
sorry for Robert and Janet since, at times, they had a different trip
than the rest of us. Plus they had to sit there and listen to Maggie go
on and on about her undying love for me. I'm sure that got old after
awhile.
After the hot hike, Matus remarked, "They say Galapagos
is like heaven, I think it is more like hell!" Come to find out, Matus
and Milena had never really heard of the Galapagos and were told by a
friend that it was like Hawaii. They thought they were going on a nice,
relaxing, scenic cruise through paradise. Instead, Carlos had them
hoofing it through bleak, desolate landscapes and constant snorkeling
like there's no tomorrow. It was a tribute to Carlos' personality that
the King and Queen of Slovakia acquiesced to his itinerary and didn't
order his head to be chopped off.
In Sullivan Bay, we had the
best snorkeling of the entire cruise. We swam with sharks, sea turtles,
and some marbled rays that were mating. Near the end, Carlos had
everyone gather in a circle, hold hands, and face down into the water.
He dove under us and held his breath for like 15 minutes while taking
dozens of pictures for everyone with waterproof cameras. I have yet to
see any of those pictures. Maybe I had my eyes closed and ruined them
all?
As the Galaxy made its way to our next anchor point off of
Bartolome Island, we passed other boats one of which was very small and
shabby-looking. Suzanne recognized the name of the boat from her
Galapagos cruise research and remembered that it was the cheapest one
she could find. We were all glad we didn't choose the cheapest cruise
as we watched their passengers swab the deck and fish for their meals.
On Bartolome, a wooden boardwalk with 358 steps leads to the top of the island where you can see this
popular view and where we took a group photo. Although we appreciated
the boardwalk, I bet whatever tourist accidentally dropped all that
non-indigenous wood from their pockets got an earful from the park
staff. Obviously, the park has since made peace with that ecological
disaster.
We were accompanied to the top by some curious
juvenile Galapagos hawks who occasionally stopped on the railing and
forced us to violate the park's two meter distance rule. Carlos
encouraged us to lean forward and let the hawks play with our hats.
Sure, it's fun, ha! ha! until away your hat goes and your shaved head
without sunblock is exposed to the sun. So I declined. It didn't matter
anyway because the hawks weren't in a playful mood. Even Carlos the Beastmaster couldn't convince them to take his hat.
And trust me, he really was the Beastmaster
because during the afternoon snorkel, we watched in stunned amazement
as Carlos called out to a colony of Galapagos penguins using whatever
language penguins use. I don't know what the conversation was about,
but I assume they touched on the weather, the stock market, and all the
latest Hollywood gossip.
That night, Dolphin Trainer™ and I
played more card games with Kim, Sonia, and Upasana who by now were
referred to as "the chicas". Carlos was the first to call them
"chicas". They acted like they were offended by such "sexist" language
but deep down they knew that Carlos could punch them in the face and
demand a beer and they'd still love him because he doesn't really mean it and the bruises are just cause they're clumsy. Carlos ended up joining us at the table as gambling addict Kim once again taught us card games even Doyle Brunson has never heard of.
We
even played the party game "Murder" or "Mafia" or whatever it is called
(seems like everyone calls it something different). One time I thought
for sure Carlos was the murderer because of his suspicious smile. I was
wrong, of course. He was probably just thinking about the time he
communicated with a mythical "sea lion".
It was a bittersweet
night because it was our last night with Carlos. He was just filling in
for a few days because the guide we were supposed to have had an
emergency and couldn't do the first part of the trip. Our cruise
itinerary had two legs. Robert and Janet only booked the first leg and
would be leaving the next day (with Carlos) once we landed on Santa
Cruz. We would not only pick up a new guide, but also some new
passengers. Everyone else was staying for the entire week.
Back
in our cabin, Dolphin Trainer™ and I discussed how much we would tip
Carlos. Once we settled on a sufficient amount, we both got ready for
bed. Before we turned the lights out, I pulled out my notebook and
checked "Play Murder with the Beastmaster" off of my life list. Yeah.
Beat that, birders.
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Thursday, July 09, 2009
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Current mood:feeling_geisty
**This is an ongoing series recapping
my last vacation. If you feel you have reached this blog in error,
please remain online until an administrator assists you.**
Welcome to those of you who skipped ahead from Part 8!
Quick recap of what you missed: A United Nations special forces unit
kidnapped Dolphin Trainer™ and I in Quito to convince us to use our
mathematical prowess and hand-to-hand combat skills in order to deflect
a terrorist controlled comet that was careening towards Earth. Long
story short, we are now on day 3 of our Galapagos cruise.
During
the night, we passed the equator line heading north. Unfortunately, I
was asleep and therefore unable to find out what color the line is.
Sure, on most globes it is blue, but on others it is white or brown. Sometimes it even has a strip of tape on it. That would have been
awesome to see! Hopefully I'd be able to solve the mystery since we'd
pass it again on the way back. Of course, I should have just paid more
attention when we visited the equator in Quito!
Genovesa
Island was our day three destination. Nicknamed "Bird Island" due to
its abundance of #33 Boston Celtic jerseys, this horseshoe shaped
caldera is the northernmost major island of the Galapagos. Our
breakfast that morning was interrupted by five dolphins who went bow riding
for about 15 minutes or so. Bow riding is something lazy young dolphins
do when they want easy propulsion. I presume adult dolphins frown upon
the practice while the real old timers complain out loud, "In my day,
we didn't have fancy schmancy cruise ships pushing us all kinds of
speed! We were lucky just to catch a baby ripple from a tipped-over
canoe. But that's the way it was and we liked it!"
We anchored in Darwin Bay (boy, that Darwin guy really got around), hopped into the dinghies, and made a wet landing on shore. We saw red-footed boobies for the first time. They are the only boobies who nest in trees. These ones don't count. We saw lots of Great Frigatebirds
and it was breeding season, so most of the males had inflated the red
sacs at their throats in order to attract a mate. Whoever puffs up the
biggest balloon gets the girl. I'm sure this would be Carlos if he was a Great Frigatebird.
Dolphin
Trainer™ and I held back from the group at one point to get a good
phoon shot and when we finally caught back up we saw everyone standing
around waiting for us. As we approached, Dolphin Trainer™ turned to me
and said, "Oh great. We're those guys now." You know who those
guys are. Every group has somebody holding things up, not following
directions, and completely oblivious to everyone else around them. We
held our breath as we waited for Carlos to give us a stern rebuke. But
he said nothing. In retrospect, I think Carlos knew that the inevitable
lecture from our own consciences would be more than enough punishment.
Boy, he'd make a great dad, huh?! Well, only if you don't include all
the hundreds of little daddy-less Carloses his female conquests have
birthed throughout the modern and developing world.
While hanging out at the beach waiting for the dinghies to pick us up, Suzanne took the opportunity to have Bill take pictures of her posing with Geist
magazine, some kind of Canadian rag that encourages people to send in
pictures of themselves reading the periodical in exotic locations in a
desperate attempt to make people think the magazine actually has
readers.
In a most adorable scene, we watched a baby sea lion
nursing and snuggling with its mother. Upasana was so touched by the
cuteness of it all that she vomited profusely right in front of them.
It was one of those milky pukes that you could see oozing out between
her fingers as she tried to cover her mouth. Not surprisingly, the baby
lost its appetite after that.
Then Suzanne thought it'd be nice to pose for a Geist
magazine photo while sitting right on top of Upasana's liberated
stomach chum. Oh those cRaZy Canadians! By the way, park rules are very
strict--you are not allowed to bring any
food onto the islands for fear of upsetting the natural ecology. So
don't be surprised if 10 years from now Genovesa is off limits to
tourists due to the invasive Canadian Barf Weed which has decimated the island's indigenous species.
We
snorkeled twice in Darwin Bay and it was cold. Well, mostly cold. We'd
hit cold and warm spots. Warm spots are nice unless you happen to be
swimming behind Dolphin Trainer™.
In late afternoon, we did a second landing on the island, this time on the famous "Prince Phillip's Steps" which are rocky stairs carved into the volcanic wall. Phillip
didn't carve them, he just walked on them. That's how the British are.
They just walk over something and declare that you should now name it
after them. Lord help us all if they ever walk on the moon.
We got to see Nazca boobies who get their name from the strange lines
they make on the ground which, when viewed from an airplane, turn out
to be intricate drawings of female breasts. Carlos told us to look for
Short-eared owls out on the plain. With my binoculars, Dolphin Trainer™
tapped into his inner Miguel and Silvario
and was able to spot one that was 500 hundred meters away, still as can
be, and practically camouflaged against the background! We were all
impressed until Carlos, with only his naked eye, one-upped him by
pointing out that the owl had a cataract.
Back on the Galaxy,
we were greeted (as usual after every excursion) with fancy drinks and
snacks served by Marjorie our ubiquitous bartending/bed making/food
server. She also captained the ship and even stood in for the anchor on
occasion.
That night, Matus, the King of Slovakia, organized a
Crossing-the-Equator party/birthday party for his queen, Milena.
Apparently equator crossing ceremonies have a long tradition dating back to before sailors knew where the
equator was which left them in an impractical state of constant
celebration. Eventually, the equator was defined and the ceremony
became a hazing ritual where first-time crossers (slimy pollywogs) became veteran crossers (trusty shellbacks)
after undergoing some kind of punishment to appease King Neptune for
crossing his domain. Many cruise ships continue the tradition today as
did the Galaxy until recent
economic cutbacks. However, thanks to King Matus and his Slovakian
treasure chest, we were allowed to celebrate this beautiful, ancient
ritual which often led to death back in the day.
Carlos dressed
as Neptune by donning a mask, snorkel, and bed sheet cape. He topped
off his costume by stuffing a pillow under his shirt and wielding a
broom. All the women agreed that Neptune never looked so good except
Suzanne who murmured something about an old incriminating photo of the
real Neptune in Geist.
Carlos/Neptune called each one of us up individually and forced us to
drink a shot of "iguana blood" which, to me at least, tasted a lot more
like a cross between the blood of a red footed booby and the blood of a
bottlenosed dolphin.
After downing the concoction, Carlos hit us
on the head with a stalk of celery and gave us new nicknames. Dolphin
Trainer™ became "Spotted eagle ray", I was christened "Black tipped
shark" and Upasana was named "Red footed chunks blowing booby". We got
to eat delicious birthday cake since it was Milena's birthday party as
well.
The ceremony complete, the party resumed in the lounge
where Carlos plugged his laptop into the TV and we danced the night
away to the sounds of his music playlist. Without the usual punchbowl
to guard and protect, I was uncertain as to what role I should play at
this dance party. I DJ'ed for a bit until I become frustrated with the
complete lack of Xuxa
songs. Carlos, meanwhile, bravely fought for his life on the dance
floor as all the women repeatedly attacked him with wrestling-like
"dance" moves, then ripped his clothes off and forced their tongues
down his throat. It was quite a sight to see an estrogen-powered mob,
buoyed by shouts of "Geist! Geist!" overwhelming the mighty King Neptune. Maggie was checking me out during all of this, by the way.
Despite
the festivities, I remembered my mission and went up to the top deck in
hopes of seeing the fabled equator line. I waited and waited. Minutes
or perhaps hours passed. Just as my patience was beginning to waver, I
finally spotted a line in the water. Could it be? Yes! I could hardly
contain my excitement. There it was! And it was white.
Yes sir, it was white as can be. Or wait...Suddenly, I wasn't so sure.
Could it be green? Or...brown? What the? I decided my eyes were playing
tricks on me until I heard a familiar sound from below. There on the
bottom deck, leaning out over the rail, Upchucksana was once again
disturbing the natural state of the Galapagos with a steady flood of
thunderous chunder spewing from her mouth.
Never one to waste a good opportunity, Suzanne was there by her side, magazine in hand, pleading with Bill to take the ultimate Geist photograph.
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Friday, June 26, 2009
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Category: Travel and Places
**This is an ongoing series recapping
my last vacation. If it seems way too long and overly self-serving
that's because it is. It's really a personal travel journal pretending
to be a blog.**
Life on board the Galaxy yacht had a fairly consistent routine. Here is a sample itinerary:
6:45am--Wake up
7:00am--Breakfast
7:15am--Matus' first drink
8:00am--Landing
10:30am--Snorkeling
12:00pm--Lunch
12:15pm--Matus' 20th drink
2:30pm--Landing
4:00pm--Snorkeling
6:30pm--Briefing
7:00pm--Dinner
9:30pm--Matus passes out
Our
second day brought us to Santa Fe Island, a small island with two
endemic species, the Barrington land iguana and the Santa Fe rice rat.
An endemic species is one that is not found anywhere else in the world. A pandemic species is only found on geographic panhandles. Hallucinogenic species are found only in your mind.
We anchored in Barrington Bay and took the dinghies
to shore. This was a wet landing which meant we'd have to step into the
water to exit the boat. Carlos deemed the water a bit too rough for
Robert to exit safely so he told Maggie to take Robert and Janet to the
other side of the bay where our hike was going to end and we'd meet
them halfway on the trail. On shore, we saw some sea lions, a Galapagos
hawk, land iguanas, and hiked among Giant Opuntia
(prickly pear) cactus trees. When we ran into Maggie, Robert, and
Janet, we told them they didn't miss much (purposefully leaving out the
part where the hawk swooped down, picked up an adult sea lion and
dropped it on top of a cactus tree where a land iguana climbed up and
swallowed it whole. We were all so mesmerized that none of us
remembered to get any pictures or video of the event. It really
happened. Trust me).
The snorkeling in Barrington Bay was quite
nice. We swam amongst enormous schools of dark blue fish and watched in
awe-induced silence as pelicans and blue footed boobies dove gracefully
into the sea in order to violently rip innocent fish out of the water
and maniacally chomp them into bloody bits. I spotted a sea turtle and
alerted everyone to its presence which gave me such pride and
satisfaction that I decided to blog about it and award myself with a
homemade "Certificate of Sea Turtle Spotting" which is proudly framed
and hanging on my wall right now.
Back on board, we were
informed that because we locked our cabin, it did not get cleaned like
the other cabins did. We thought that was odd. Don't they have a key?
Is locking your cabin door in the Galapagos the equivalent of hanging a
"Do Not Disturb" sign on a hotel doorknob? Considering our travel
experience up to that point, I don't think anyone would fault us for
locking anything that had a lock. But, we acquiesced and left it
unlocked for the rest of the trip expecting to come back at anytime to
find our cabin door covered with mustard.
There was a small safe for our valuables, but--wouldn't you know
it?--we ending up barely hiding that key among all the scattered items
of our room.
We found out later that it was the bartender, Marjorie,
who cleaned the rooms everyday and made the beds. Perhaps her primary
job of mixing spirits might explain why sometimes the bed sheets were
tucked in a such a way that only someone with body designed by Salvador Dali could reasonably negotiate their way into them comfortably. However, she was very talented at making towel animals
that sat on top of our beds and greeted us everyday after the morning
excursion. She made swans, rays, finch beaks, shot glasses, bloody
marys, and some hallucinogenic species.
At lunch,
once again, everyone sat at the same tables with the same people. As
everyone knows, once you sit in the same place twice then--BAM!--that's
your seat for the rest of the trip. Others voiced the same concern and
Carlos promised to solve the situation because he's a take charge guy!
He was kind of like Scott Baio from Charles in Charge. But it was Carlos in Charge. And yes, Carlos was in charge of our wrongs and our rights.
We
left Santa Fe Island and headed for the northern part of Santa Cruz
island. On the way, we spotted some dolphins and also saw some rays jumping out of the water and flipping
in the air. Whatever the Galapagos National Park Service spends to
train the rays to do that is well worth it. We stopped somewhere on
Santa Cruz to fuel up and get supplies; so I took the opportunity to
explore the boat. What I found was not encouraging.
I don't
pretend to know all the ins and outs of Galapagos National Park cruise
policy, but I can assure you that the Galaxy was in violation of one
very important rule. I searched through the bookcase in the lounge and
did not find one copy of On the Origin of Species!
That's like staying at a hotel in Vatican City and not finding a Bible
in the drawer. Sure, they had a copy of Darwin's journal, The Voyage of the Beagle,
but how could they not have his seminal work in their library?! I was
mostly disappointed because I had planned on finally getting around to
reading it during the down time on the cruise. Oh well. They did have a
stack of books by a doctor that grabbed my attention. Those ended up being very informative, especially the one about a turtle named Yertle.
That
afternoon we traveled to Caleta Tortuga Negra (Black Turtle Cove), a
swamp of mangrove trees on the north shore of Santa Cruz. Not only did
we pick up supplies and fuel from our previous stop, we also picked up
another crew member. His name was Nixon and he was one of the two dinghy
drivers along with a creepy (according to the ladies) guy named Angel
who had been with us since day one. Nixon fancied himself a gondolier
in Venice who only knows Spanish songs. Yeah. It was lovely. Lovely,
that is, if you enjoy the desire to stab your ears with the barb of a
stingray to lessen the pain.
Unfortunately, Dolphin Trainer™ and I got on the dinghy
piloted by Nixon and led by naturalist guide-in-training Maggie. Now,
Maggie was very nice. But as a guide she was...well...let's just say
she's a very nice person. She's very introverted which isn't so good
for a guide, and her English wasn't that great which isn't so good for
a bilingual guide. So she didn't say much at all. But she did look at
me a lot which, obviously, meant that she had the hots for me.
There are protected parts of Black Turtle Cove where motors are not allowed, so we paddled in those areas. Carlos' dinghy
was leading and they went first into one section where we couldn't
follow. All we saw were a bunch of flashes from digital cameras. I
guess it was pretty spectacular, whatever they saw. Meanwhile, everyone
on our boat sat quietly as Nixon's Galapagos Idol audition continued.
We
did get to see rare green sea turtles mating. That was nice. I noticed
Maggie give me a quick glance as we watched which confirmed what she
was thinking about. I think Nixon and Angel were jealous of Maggie's
crush on me and I could hear them talking trash in Spanish. I don't
know what was said exactly, but I did hear the phrase "muy feo" (very
ugly) thrown around. Maggie, however, defending me bravely with a
retort of, "No feo!" I thought of jumping in to defend myself, but I
doubt my high school Spanish arsenal of "¿Dónde está el baño?" would
have done much good.
There were also black tipped reef sharks patrolling the cove. Carlos was sitting on the edge of the dinghy
with his bare feet in the water and one of the sharks nudged against
his toes. Carlos laughed and didn't move. He wasn't worried. Even the
sharks knew who was in charge. That's right. Carlos in Charge, buddy!
Carlos
even stuck to traditional sitcom format and solved the big problem of
this episode during the final act. At dinner, he came up with a
brilliant idea to number each seat and then had us draw numbers from a
hat guaranteeing that we would all sit next to random people! Genius!
He even cloned himself so he could sit at every table. Multiple genius!
That
night on the sun deck, Dolphin Trainer™ and I hung out with the three
girls for the first time and listened as they proclaimed their undying
love for Carlos. Then they listened as Dolphin Trainer™ and I gushed
about our man crush on him. We ended up playing card games with Kim and
Sonia while Upasana drew "I love Carlos" hearts in her Britney Spears
diary. Kim, by the way, must have been a Las Vegas dealer in a previous
life because she knew more card game rules than that Hoyle guy.
As
the Galaxy headed for the equator and our next destination, a sea lion
hitched a ride with us by jumping onto the stern of the boat in order
to avoid a circling shark. We named him Buddy Lembech.
He fell asleep and was gone by morning so anyone can venture a guess as
to the outcome. I'm an optimist so I'm going to guess a happy ending.
For the shark.
They need to eat, you know.
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Thursday, June 18, 2009
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**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. I vow to finish it before the 100th anniversary of said vacation.**
OK, you've waited long enough. Now let's talk about boobies!
Blue-footed boobies, that is.
Pervert.
On
the morning of March 10, 2009, Dolphin Trainer™ and I took a cab to the
airport and for the fourth time paid a totally different fare for the
exact same route. I guess cab fares in Quito are like stock prices.
They rise and fall each day, reacting to the volatility of traffic.
We
had to go through an additional inspection for our baggage to be
allowed into the Galapagos because the flora and fauna on the islands
are so sensitive to introduced species. To ensure that the delicate
ecosystem was not disrupted, they made every effort to hardly look at
our bags at all as we went through the special inspection station.
From
Quito, we flew to Guayaquil, the second of Ecuador's two "fabulous"
cities, to fuel up for the 600 mile journey west to the Galapagos. That
stopover lasted 45 minutes and I learned that they won't let you use
the restroom while the plane refuels. Note to terrorists: threaten to
flush during fuel up to guarantee that your demands will be met.
On
our flight to the islands, we noticed some passengers wearing blue
"Galaxy" buttons on their shirts. The Galaxy was the name of the yacht
we would be traveling on during our cruise. Our travel agent gave us
those same buttons and I asked Dolphin Trainer™ if we should put them
on so people could identify us. He shook his head and explained that we
were still in high school and it wasn't "cool" to wear our buttons
during the flight. Then he adjusted his letterman jacket, gave a skinny
nerd a brown swirlie, and went behind the gym to smoke a cigarette.
Our
destination island was San Cristobal, the second most populous
Galapagos island and home of Puerto Baquerizo Moreno, the capital of
the islands. We landed on a small runway, got off the plane, and waited
outside in the hot sun for a few minutes before they opened up the
airport for us. Seriously, the doors were locked when we arrived. I
think the janitor finally let us in.
While waiting in line to go
through customs, we noticed three girls in their twenties wearing their
Galaxy buttons and we suddenly decided that it was now the "cool" thing
to do. After getting our bags, we met our naturalist guide for the
cruise. His name was Carlos and he looked like a South American John Stamos. Everyone on our trip, including all the men, were smitten by his soap opera star
good looks, adventurous spirit, and practically unintelligible accent.
We asked Carlos if we should put our Galaxy luggage tags on our bags
(since we forgot to do it before we checked them in Quito), but he said
don't bother since they'll easily figure it out. OMG! Isn't his
decisiveness positively dreamy?!
Including us, there were 11
Galaxy passengers. As we waited for everyone to get their bags, we met
four of them: Bill and Suzanne from Winnipeg, Canada, and fellow
Americans Janet and her dad, Robert, from Ohio. Robert, who was
somewhere in his eighties, was clearly going to be the oldest passenger
on the boat, and he had quite the sense of humor. At least, I think he
was joking when he talked about the last time he visited the Galapagos
with "good ol' Charlie" Darwin.
We took a short bus ride into
town and were given 10 minutes to shop for last minute essentials
before boarding the Galaxy. For me, that meant wondering if I brought
enough sunscreen and pacing around a convenience store debating the
pros and cons as if it were a Solomonic decision. For Dolphin Trainer™
that meant calling his girlfriend for the two-billionth time. For two
of the three twenty-somethings, that meant stuffing their faces with
ice cream.
We boarded an inflatable boat which Carlos consistently referred to as a "dinghy". The same type of craft was called a Zodiac
when I went on my Antarctic cruise in 2005. Clearly, awesome-sounding
names are not a priority in the Galapagos. As we motored out to the
Galaxy, I asked the three twenty-somethings their names.
"Sonia," said one. Oh, that's easy, I thought. I can remember that.
"Kim," said another. Sure, no problem. Two for two.
"Upasha$s9hasan@ywhda,"
said the third. Uh...what? I repeated back what I thought I heard,
asked her to spell it, and then nodded my head as if it was now in my
permanent memory. I'm not very good with names in the first place, but
Upasana (her actual name) had just signed on for a week's worth of "hey
you's" from me.
The first thing we were told when we got on
board was that we couldn't wear shoes on the boat. Apparently, this was
a Japanese yacht. Actually, we could wear shoes on board if we didn't
use them on any of the landings. Not being female and therefore
genetically predisposed to bring 20 extra pairs of shoes on a cruise,
I'd either have to go barefoot or use socks. And since I have toes that
look like a bristlecone pine (plus I was smart enough to not cut my toenails before the trip) this meant I'd be rocking the boat with my socks on.
We
were invited into the lounge to relax and enjoy some
cocktails while our bags were put into our rooms. Carlos had everyone
introduce themselves one at a time and say where they were from. We
were finally introduced to Matus and Milena from Slovakia. Although
they never said so, I believe them to be the King and Queen of
Slovakia. Being humble, they probably just wanted to be treated like
everyone else. They must be kind and gentle rulers of their exotic land
and we enjoyed the tales of royal adventure they shared with us.
The
three girls turned out to be from Canada (the Toronto area). So we had
five Canucks in total which meant we'd be hearing a lot aboot
maple syrup and hockey, eh? Almost everyone said what country they were
from whereas Dolphin Trainer™ and I only had to say our cities, Chicago
and Las Vegas, because I think it goes without saying that America
rules the world with a mighty fist.
The crew, dressed like they were ready for the 1991 Tailhook Convention,
was introduced and we all toasted to the beginning of our trip. Then we
were informed that there were two unidentified bags and they didn't
know what room to put them in. Apparently we should have tagged our
bags after all (although simple math on their part might have come in
handy). At first we blamed Carlos for steering us wrong, but then we
remembered the "Full House" episode where he played drums with The Beach Boys and our anger subsided.
We
momentarily retired to our cabin as the Galaxy left harbor for our
first destination: Isla Lobos, where our first group activity would be
snorkeling. It had been awhile since I had snorkeled and I didn't start
off too well. I did a back roll entry off of the dinghy
and one of my flippers immediately came off. Thankfully, Maggie, the
guide-in-training and Carlos' assistant, was there to help me put it
back on. Perhaps that was the start of her infatuation with me. Oh
yeah. We'll get to that.
It didn't take long for me to get
comfortable in the water. Dolphin Trainer™ was swimming all around
taking underwater video and photos and saving Kim from a "stone
scorpionfish" which I think was a name he made up and pretended it was
dangerous just so he could act like a hero. The real hero, of course,
was Carlos who snorkeled without fins, mask, or snorkel and showed us
how twisting around in the water encouraged the sea lions to play with
us.
After our water fun, we had our first Galapagos landing on
Isla Lobos. We saw marine iguanas, sea lions, and other stuff. I don't
really pay attention to names. In fact, I hardly paid attention to any
of the information Carlos gave us as I was too busy wondering where I'd
pose for my first Galapagos phoon photo.
Our first day ended
with a 7pm dinner. We sat with Bill and Suzanne and all they talked
aboot was hockey and maple syrup, eh? Actually, we had lots to talk
about and it was a very enjoyable meal. The food was great, but I don't
remember what it was. It could have been stone scorpionfish for all I
know. Near the end of the meal, they mockingly asked us why we were
still wearing our blue Galaxy buttons. I looked at Dolphin Trainer™. He
turned to look at me. We nodded to each other and then gave Bill a wedgie and Suzanne a titty
twister for daring to insult the "cool" kids.
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Thursday, May 28, 2009
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**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. If you are bored, skip ahead to Part 11 where the real action begins.**For those who don't know, Twitter
is a way to send short messages (140 characters or less) via text or
the web to whoever is "following" you. Although I have yet to send a
"tweet" from my recently created Twitter account and I know hardly anything about the Twittersphere, I'm going to pretend that I twittered away on the 6th day of my vacation.
Enjoy!
**Best viewed with Mozilla, but I shortened the dotted lines for all the morons still using internet explorer. :)**
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 BrandonMuller
Just woke up. None of my personal items were chewed last night. Makes
me wonder if my bad luck is just waiting to strike later in the day.
5:35 AM March 9th from txt TrainsDolphins4Pay Feeling better this morning. I think my bathroom problems are finally over! Awesome!
5:40 AM March 9th from txtTrainsDolphins4Pay Never mind.5:45 AM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Last breakfast at Napo. :( Will I ever eat dragon fruit again?
6:02 AM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay
Just gave Miguel my night vision scope as a gift. He seemed very
appreciative and said he can't wait to try it out. I'm awesome!
6:10 AM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ AmazonMiguel
Oh joy. Yet another piece of crap night vision scope. Why do my clients
think my night vision is so bad? Anyone need a doorstop?
6:20 AM March 9th from TweetDeckBrandonMuller On our last paddle canoe ride. :( Will I ever hear the horrific sound of howler monkeys again?
7:04 AM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
Back at the Welcome Center, about to transfer to motorized canoe for
trip back up river to Coca. Miguel is flying back to Quito with us.
8:01 AM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Wondering what kind of tip I should leave Silvario. Ideas? Anyone?
8:03 AM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Silvario Bald client just told me "Don't eat yellow snow." wtf?
8:05 AM March 9th from TwitterBerry
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay Tipped Silvario and the 3rd paddler (the teenage helper) handsomely. I'm awesome!
8:10 AM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller @ TrainsDolphins4Pay We were supposed to tip Some Other Guy™? Oops. Well, if he ever comes to Las Vegas I will park his car for free.
8:11 AM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  NoOneKnowsMyName Bald client stiffed me. Thanks, pal! Hope he works a tip job some day and gets no reward for his hard work.
8:15 AM March 9th from twhirl TopShaman Were those clients hip to our scam? I'm off to the gym. Check this future flow by BEP: ♫ http://blip.fm/~9nwc9 My gal Fergie is hawt!
8:17 AM March 9th from Blip.fmBrandonMuller Going up the Napo, pulled up next to a riverboat called the Manatee to drop off Portly Fellow™ and his odor. He's taking their tour next.
9:45 AM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Manatee Holy geez. Anyone have a few spare gallons of Right Guard?
10:00 AM March 9th from Seesmic Desktop
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay
Stopped to help a motorized canoe with engine trouble. It's full of
locals speaking Spanish and laughing. I think they're laughing at us.
10:20 AM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller @ TrainsDolphins4Pay They're not laughing at us. "¿Dos gringos para una bolsa de caca?" is probably just small talk about the weather.
10:21 AM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Waiting in the small Coca airport lounge for flight back to Quito. Miguel is not sitting with us. Awwkwaard!
11:37 AM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay
Miguel must be dying to use his new night scope! He probably doesn't
want to annoy me by asking me a bunch of questions about it.
11:40 AM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
Back at our hotel, Los Alpes. Should I be worried that so far we have
paid a different cab fare each time between the hotel and the airport?
1:00 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
We are talking to a lady at our hotel who went the Amazon the same time
as us, but on the Manatee. Apparently they had to evacuate today.
1:12 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay
I really need to go to the bathroom and this lady won't shut up! Thanks
for leaving me with her, Brandon. This is not awesome!
1:30 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller We are hungry for lunch. Time to enjoy some fabulous Ecuadorian cuisine!
1:45 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ TrainsDolphins4Pay
Eating a Big Mac meal with soggy lettuce and a drink with ice cubes
made from dirty water. My stomach is finally back to normal!
2:02 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
Posting "Have you seen me?" flyers with a photo of my backpack all over
Quito. Hopefully someone will recognize it. Never give up hope.
2:25 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ MustardThief99
LOL--Someone is offering to "park your car in Las Vegas" in exchange
for information about a stolen backpack! Oooo--so tempting!
2:36 PM March 9th from Twapper
3:03 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Hey, if US dollars are the official currency of Ecuador, why not just go ahead and make English the official language as well?
3:04 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
How do I take my passport and credit card out of my hidden waist pouch
without drawing attention to myself? I feel like I'm being stared at.
3:06 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------KetchupThief55 Oh lookey here. Someone's got a money belt! Anyone want an easy target? I'm only bothering with actual challenges these days.
3:08 PM March 9th from Hahlo ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay Just called my girlfriend via payphone for the 86th time this trip. I'm awesome!
3:17 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay Sitting outside the bank still waiting for Brandon to get his cash. He probably got in the wrong line.
3:31 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Oops. Apparently I waited in that long line unnecessarily.
3:32 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller How do I put my passport and credit card back into my hidden waist pouch without drawing attention to myself?
3:37 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay
Walking aimlessly around Quito as Brandon looks for a discreet place to
stuff the $400 from the bank into his money belt. Moron!
3:45 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Sitting in my hotel room inspecting the Amazonian bug bite on my leg. It's not looking good: http://twitpic.com/yuckyleg
4:30 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay
Exploring Mariscal Sucre (tourist district) for a pharmacy so Brandon
can get neosporin & band-aids even though amputation is inevitable.
5:14 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ TrainsDolphins4Pay We keep finding lots of places named "Ferreteria". I guess they really love ferrets here in Ecuador.5:19 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Found a pharmacy! Time to play Spanish charades with the guy behind the counter.
5:35 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
So far so good. Hope their "antibiotico" tube is safe. Packaging looks
like the Ecuadorian equivalent of Wal-Mart's trusty Equate brand.
5:37 PM March 9th from txt------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
Rubbing my belly and acting sick got me some immodium (I want to be
prepared in case I get Dolphin Trainer™ butt in the Galapagos).
5:41 PM March 9th from txt------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller
Success! He didn't know what I meant by band-aid so I switched to
Spanish pictionary and drew one. Pictionary is easier than charades.
5:50 PM March 9th from txt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TrainsDolphins4Pay Eating dinner at the restaurant at our hotel. They are not serving Big Macs which is seriously not awesome.8:25 PM March 9th from txt ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BrandonMuller Checking my email at the hotel. Just packed everything for the flight to the Galapagos tomorrow. Good night, internets!
9:24 PM March 9th from web
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ CuddlyCaiman Sweet! I just found a night vision scope that someone discarded in the river. I've been looking for a door stop!
10:10 PM March 9th from twidroid
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HowlinHowlerMonkey What time are we waking up the dead tomorrow?
10:17 March 9th from TwitterFox
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HackyTwitterBird Tweet, Tweet!
10:24 March 9th from Twitterrific
 Charlotte #followfriday: @WilburThePig He's some blogger! Terrific! Radiant! And very humble!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Friday, May 08, 2009
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**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. Please forgive me as I interrupt my exciting text-only format to include an entry of boring old photos. We'll return to the usual text-only blog that everyone loves very soon.**
Dolphin Trainer™ has sent me all the photos he took on the trip. I should mention here that even though all my camera equipment was stolen, Dolphin Trainer™ happen to bring his own video camera and an extra waterproof camera along with his main digital camera. So, I did get to record footage and take pictures after all. Being on vacation and having your camera equipment stolen is like being castrated, so I thank Dolphin Trainer™ for giving me my balls back, so to speak.
The vast majority of these photos were taken by Dolphin Trainer™:
From Quito to Coca, we flew in Ecuador's newest and most sophisticated aircraft.
Here I'm reading Steve Martin's "Born Standing Up". I'm probably the only Amazon tourist to ever spend the majority of their visit thinking about Steve Martin's stand up career. Unfortunately, it detracts from your experience when every time you see a monkey you imagine it with a fake arrow through its head.
"Come visit the Napo Wildlife Center and leave civilization behind! Oh--and you can also surf the web with our high speed internet!" No joke--they did have internet access. It cost like $375 for five minutes, but when exotic birds are carrying your internet data packets, that's a bargain, my friend.
This was our cabana. 100% built by the Añangu community except for the stairs which were painted by Ronald McDonald.
My invisible friend Arthur and his girlfriend Leslie take in the view.
This is where the poopy paper goes! Looks like a smurf might have just taken a #2.
Dolphin Trainer™'s mosquito net bed. Note the sad intrusion of California values into the Amazon.
The lagoon the resort overlooks. One could only guess what silly made up creatures cryptozoologists think live in there.
Our guides, Silvario (with hat) and Miguel, relax during a mandatory 15 minute union break. We weren't allowed to ask questions during this time.
Dolphin Trainer™ and I with Some Other Guy™ in the back. If he looks unhappy it's because he's sick of watching Arthur and Leslie's inappropriate PDA behind us. I don't blame him.
The appropriately named "Stinky Turkey" is one of the reasons Ecuadorians are thankful they don't have to celebrate Thanksgiving.
Looks like the beginning of a nice action shot, but in reality the Añangu are talented taxidermists.
The handy dandy Letter Opener bird.
Some Amazonian birds enjoy traditional Kabuki theater.
This species of bird wears blinders as a fashion statement.
Paddle on, Silvario! Miguel's gonna take another 15.
Parrots in the Amazon like to lick the clay all the way down to the tasty bubble gum center.
The Parrots Templar™ have guarded the entrance to this ancient cave for well over a millennium. The blood oath they took to protect the secrets contained within has cost them the joy of all the pirate shoulders, yummy crackers, and comfy cages in upscale American homes that their uncommitted contemporaries have enjoyed.
I caught these so-called "wisest" creatures of the forest flushing their toilet paper straight down rather than discarding it into the trashcan. Tsk, tsk!
An Amazon peepshow.
"Hey man, let me see, too!"
Can you imagine how funny this monkey would look in a King Tut costume? I did.
This frog is dreaming of retiring in France where frogs are loved and respected.
This cute little froggie is learning about the birds and the bees via Arthur and Leslie.
Silvario, Miguel, and Dolphin Trainer™ pay no heed to Yoda's warnings about what lies ahead.
Silvario demonstrates how the Añangu construct fiber optic cable out of leaves.
The stairs leading up to the tree canopy platform were built by the Añangu using only the scrap metal indigenous to the Upper Amazon basin and the ultrasonic welding techniques passed down through generations of oral tradition.
We were so high up in the canopy that from this height, the Bullet ants looked like just regular old ants.
Your typical MyAmazonSpace self-portrait.
This beetle was lucky enough to only lose one of his legs while many of his comrades lost their lives in the epic Brandon Muller vs. The Bugs of the Amazon War of 2009.
Leaf cutter ants can clear five acres of rainforest before a Hollywood celebrity can make one phone call to plan a charity event to raise awareness for one lost acre.
Another lucky survivor of the war to end all wars, The Brandon Muller vs. The Bugs of the Amazon War of 2009. Check out his full body cast as he rests in the insect infirmary.
It's hard to gauge the size of this thing, so I'll put it this way: from front to back, it's almost the size of *two* sarphenikhart florbas! NO JOKE!!
A casualty of the infamous Brandon Muller vs. The Bugs of the Amazon War of 2009. I didn't like the cut of its jib.
You probably won't believe this, but to give you a true sense of the scale involved here, twenty glorrbentags could easily fit inside this spider! And its web could cover an entire cuwspe of plydisteri!! WOW!!
For, uh, diplomatic reasons, I decided not to involve any spiders in the historic Brandon Muller vs. The Bugs of the Amazon War of 2009.
Probably the most interesting aspect of all these insect photos is that each one was taken from my backyard garden whereas you think they are from the Amazon! Ha ha! Fools! If you are a long time follower of my blog, you wouldn't be surprised.
Unfortunately, here I looked up just in time to see Arthur and Leslie doing things that would make Bonobos blush! (Click that link!)
Did you know that bats hate to cling to wood? Well, now you don't.
I snapped this picture of either a rarely seen Giant Otter or the Loch Ness Monster vacationing in the Amazon.
The King of the Amazon Rainforest is so feared and so ferocious that the Añangu sacrifice a virgin to it during every blood moon to keep it from feasting on human flesh.
Just think, this monkey is performing a high wire act in the forest *FOR FREE* rather than capitalizing on its talents and making a name for itself on the Barnum and Bailey circuit. Stupid monkey.
These are two Wild and Crazy guys!...I mean, monkeys! Sorry, it was a good book.
Again, you can't tell from this photo, but trust me, this Anaconda was bigger than a quark! Up *or* down! HOLY WOWZERS!
Strippers in the Amazon, although very talented on the pole, are not very blessed in the looks department.
The dreaded caiman would be on top of the Amazon food chain if it weren't for the giant otter which itself would be at the top of the food chain if it weren't for the vacationing Loch Ness monster which itself would be at the top of the food chain if it weren't for the Amazonian squirrel.
Can't leave the Amazon without a phoon! Unfortunately, Arthur and Leslie's "pose" makes this phoon photo unusable for the family friendly phoon website.
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Monday, April 27, 2009
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Current mood:_fighting the urge to make a mixtape
**This is an ongoing series recapping
my last vacation. The movie rights to this blog have already been sold
and Warner Bros. is in talks with Zac Efron to play the dreamy
consonants, Miley Cyrus the innocent vowels, and Raven-Symoné the sassy
punctuation marks.**
Our last full day at the Napo
Wildlife Center began with the discovery of two small holes chewed
through my pants which had been hanging on the wall not bothering
anybody. The holes didn't lead to a pocket of forgotten snacks or
anything like that. Just two random holes letting me know that if I
thought I'd get through an entire vacation day without some kind of
problem, I was sorely mistaken.
I can't remember if we had to wake up at 5:30am that day or we got to sleep in until 6. Either way, we had dragon fruit
as part of our breakfast. MmmBop! That's a tasty fruit. I should
mention that I found the food during our entire stay at the resort to
be absolutely fabulous and I'm a historically picky eater. I still
remember that breakthrough day back in high school when I finally
tasted that "chicken" stuff everyone was talking about. It didn't taste
like anything, by the way.
I loved everything they served us at
the NWC, especially the gigantic avocado with tuna plopped inside. It's
too bad Dolphin Trainer™ missed out on lots of the food due to his
tummy issues. He either had to skip meals or eat a specially created
"this will make you feel better" meal (and we all know how delicious
those are). The bartender, who looked like a South American Simon Cowell, often served Dolphin Trainer™ a special drink
to settle his stomach and would then insult him for having "no drinking talent whatsoever" and a sickness that was "completely lacking in originality".
The great thing about mornings in the Amazon is the lovely sound of distant howler monkeys.
I think horror film sound crews must travel all the way to the Amazon
just to record howler monkeys for all their monster audio needs.
As we listened to the Amazon's Evil Dead soundtrack, we took a canoe ride around the back side of the lagoon. It looked like we were traveling through Dagobah
and I kept waiting for a sunken X-wing fighter to bubble to the
surface. After a short hike, we made it to the NWC's canopy tower where
a winding metal staircase leads 125 feet up to a platform that sits on
a Kapok tree and offers tremendous views of Yasuni National Park.
Miguel
set up his telescope and soon he and Silvario were spotting birds
(which Dolphin Trainer™ hates). In short time, we were joined by two
more guides and their guest, a portly fellow who I honestly didn't
think would make it up the stairs. I never give people enough credit
and, no, I didn't think Susan Boyle would be able to sing a lick, either.
I
should mention that on this day we were supposed to add four more
tourists to our group, but they canceled and so we had Miguel and
Silvario all to ourselves for our entire trip. I'd also like to mention
that Portly Fellow™ had quite an odor about him. It was quite the
scene: seven guys on top of a tree in the Amazon rainforest trying to
ignore the pervasive aroma of portly sweat while birdwatching amidst
the calls of demonic monkeys.
I am pleased to report that I
found the first toucan of the day, especially since I love Fruit Loops!
I was less successful locating a silly rabbit or a lucky leprechaun. My
observational skills, however, weren't even in the same universe as the
guides. They were able to spot birds, monkeys, zygotes, neutrinos,
Waldo, and the elusive Higgs boson with hardly any effort. They even
found a three-toed sloth which was very far away, barely moving at all,
and almost indistinguishable from its surroundings. I say we commission
them to find Osama bin Laden, Amelia Earhart, and my old Wang Chung mixtape (everybody did not have fun the night I misplaced that).
At one point, Miguel took out a little tape recorder and began
playing specific bird calls in order to draw them in. And it worked! I
don't remember what kind of bird it was, but it came closer and closer
to the tree stand in search of its hidden pal. That was pretty cool.
Apparently, Miguel had taped these bird calls over his own mixtape from
his youth because later we were all surprised when he accidentally left
the tape running and Menudo showed up.
Not
to kick a dead horse like I did in my last entry, but, yes, Dolphin
Trainer™ had to leave the canopy tower early to release his own wang
chung into an uncovered pit toilet. He really should have taken photos
of all the horrible places he had to poop. That'd make for a nice album
on Picasa.
Back at the lodge, we ate lunch with Portly Fellow™
and his guide. The subject of malaria came up. Dolphin Trainer™ took
the advice of his doctor and was taking anti-malaria medication whereas
I took the advice of laziness (who wants to take the time to make a
doctor's appointment?) and took none. Actually, I took the advice of my
travel agent who said he never takes any when he visits Napo. Miguel
and the other guide said that malaria is unheard of in the area because
no one has it. Therefore, mosquitoes can't carry what no one has. I
felt pretty good about my decision to risk it until Portly Fellow™
shared his story about contracting malaria in Africa and being in the
hospital for 3 months and not fully recovering until three years later.
Oh. So that's what I was risking? I might just visit the doctor before my next trip.
That afternoon we hiked for two hours in the jungle and saw Miguel purposefully disturb a Congo or "Bullet"
ant nest and then warn us to stay away since the bite from one is
strong enough to kill 100 zombie howler monkeys. Silvario painstakingly
showed us how the Añangu take the leaves of a certain plant, manipulate
them in some way, and then do something with them. Yeah, sorry, I
wasn't really paying attention at the time, but I think it had
something to do with either medicine or time travel. One of the two.
We
hiked through a swamp to reunite with Some Other Guy™ (remember him?)
and begin our canoe ride back to the resort. Before the sun went down,
we actually got to see evil howler monkeys
(click on that hyperlink to see one of my favorite videos on the
internet--gotta love that woman!) and pray for their lost souls.
As
the sun went down, Miguel's spotlight came out and we saw bats,
fireflies, and caiman (spanish for alligator). We saw different size
caiman, but none really large. I guess you can't get super large alligators in the Amazon because kids can't flush them down the toilet--they have to go into the trashcan with the toilet paper.That
night Dolphin Trainer™, who apparently thought he was one of the German
tourists, settled up his enormous bar tab with Simon and got one sympathy "yes" vote from Paula. He also bought some t-shirts
from their "gift shop" one of which said, "I visited the Napo Wildlife Center
and all I got was the runs". We packed for an early morning departure
and I spent our final night in the Amazon dreaming of howler monkeys
eating the brains of Dolphin Trainer™ and then running to whatever
outhouse they use immediately after.
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Friday, April 24, 2009
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Current mood:craving tomatoes
**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. Approximate date of completion will be December 21st, 2012.**
Although
I was disappointed by the book collection at the Napo Wildlife Center,
I was looking forward to finally sleeping in a bed covered by a
mosquito net because it's not only protection against disease-carrying
insects, it's also an impenetrable barrier against the Boogeyman who
can never be completely stopped by a single bed sheet unless you're
willing to risk suffocation.
Our cabana was quite cozy, in a Swiss Family Robinson meets the Holiday Inn meets the part in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where Short Round
says, "Feels like I step on fortune cookies" type of way. Our bathroom
included a wastebasket for used toilet paper which is not unheard of in
South America, or in gas station restrooms throughout the United
States. This meant that rather than worrying about clogging up the
toilet, I would now have to worry about overflowing a small trashcan
instead. Then again, Dolphin Trainer™ with his perpetual sickness was
the one spending the most time decorating the toilet paper collection
in our bathroom.
There were no locks on the front door, but
there was a safety deposit box in the room. They basically dared us to
use it since they told us on the first night that no one had ever had a
problem, but they would gladly give us the key for the box if
we asked. Before the trip, I remember reading one traveler's online
review of the Napo Wildlife Center that claimed that some of their
belongings were missing from their luggage by the end of their stay.
Considering that we had just been victims of thieves in Quito, I doubt
anyone would be surprised that we just shrugged our shoulders and said,
"Oh well. I guess our stuff will be safe." We certainly didn't want to
offend the Añangu by asking for a key.
But we should have! Or
maybe we should have asked for a room with rodent nets because I awoke
the first morning with a nice hole chewed through my backpack and a bag
of snacks inside that was chewed up as well. I don't know what the
backpack gods had against me, but I must have done something to incur
their frequent wrath.
On our first day at the Napo Wildlife
Center, while Dolphin Trainer™ was in the bathroom trying to keep his
large intestine inside his body, our guide Miguel asked me what we'd
like to see most during our stay because he likes to tailor a unique
experience for guests depending upon their preferences.
Miguel: Anything in particular you're hoping to see while you're here?
Brandon: Anaconda.
Miguel: There's a good chance we'll see one if the sun comes out. They hide when it rains.
Brandon: No, no, the movie Anaconda. I hear it's hilariously bad. J-Lo's pretty tight, though.
Miguel: ???
In
reality, I told him I just wanted to see anything I've never seen
before. And then I added, "We're not really into birds or plants."
Yeah, I actually said that. I didn't realize it at the time, but that
statement was the equivalent of going to the Giza Plateau in Egypt and
telling a guide, "We're not fond of pyramids or ruins of any kind. And
camels are pretty boring, too."
Later I recounted the story to
Dolphin Trainer™ and he told me, "Speak for yourself, I love birds!"
Well, sorry DT™, but that's what happens when, during trip-defining
moments, you find yourself a captive audience in a bathroom as your
body performs a tribute to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.
Napo Wildlife Center is bird central! All birds, all the time. When Bambi was learning how to pronounce his first word,
he would have felt right at home there. We awoke early the first day to
go to some parrot licks which is where parrots (who were mostly green
since Napo is an eco-lodge) gather to lick clay.
We visited two separate clay licks and spent considerable time watching
all the birds eat dirt. Dolphin Trainer™ spent considerable time in
both places fertilizing the dirt at the bottom of outhouses. At the
clay licks, you have to be silent and patient because the birds are
very cautious of predators. Even though Dolphin Trainer™ fell asleep at
the second clay lick because he hates birds, we both got to see some
scarlet macaws which, when guilty, are usually found in the Library with the Candlestick.
The
highlight of the day was supposed to be a visit with the local shaman
who, according to Miguel, is "the most respected member of the
community". He is a very busy man, but was going to take time out to
demonstrate some rituals for us and hopefully cure the backpack hex I
had fallen under. Before our scheduled meeting, we were taken to a
workshop where members of the Añangu community make ceramics and wood carvings
suitable for purchase. I'm not one to buy trinkets, but thankfully
Dolphin Trainer™ always feels obligated to purchase souvenirs from
locals. And it was good karma for him too, as he immediately had to run
to the bathroom to leave some souvenirs of his own.
We were
introduced to the shaman and told hang out on some hammocks prior to
our personal audience with him. Unfortunately, we never did get our
private session because we were soon whisked away to see some teeny
little monkeys (or pygmy marmosets if you're one of those "into
knowledge" weirdos). Later on I saw the shaman doing routine janitorial
work and it made me wonder if "shaman" is an actual position or just
something they take turns acting out to trick credulous tourists as if
we're modern day Margaret Meads.
Añangu #1: "Whose turn is it to play shaman?"
Añangu #2: "I did it last week. Besides, my doctor says I need to stay off my feet."
Añangu
#1: "OK. Hey, my daughter's cello lessons got rescheduled. Do you think
your son can cover the 'naked kid who plays in the mud' shift tomorrow?"
Añangu #2: "No problem. I'll text him as soon as Dancing With The Stars is over."
On our way back to the resort, we saw a rare giant otter
and even a small anaconda curled up on the river bank clearly
disappointed with its lot in life. That's understandable. Imagine how
you'd feel if the name of your species was linked to a movie like Eight Legged Freaks or Snakes on a Plane or Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?
A
large group from Germany, who apparently thought Oktoberfest was a year
round occasion, checked into the resort that day and at dinner one of
them celebrated a birthday. We all got to eat specially prepared
birthday cake except for Dolphin Trainer™ who was busy in our cabana
making slithery anaconda-like droppings. The very lengthy birthday song
they sang sounded more like a national anthem and made me curious if
"Happy Birthday" is sung before German sporting events. I'm sure Norm
MacDonald would be as surprised as I was that they didn't sing a David Hasselhoff song.
After
dinner, Dolphin Trainer™ was well enough to go on a night hike. Miguel
gave us some rain boots and he and Silvario led us on a trail along the
outskirts of the resort. Armed with only flashlights, we spotted
leaf-cutter ants, frogs, eight legged freaks, killer tomatoes, and lots
of other creepy crawlies, some of which gave me bites that I still have
blemishes from almost two months later.
A long day (and blog
entry!) came to an end as I picked ants out of my underpants, showered
in alternately hot and cold water, dried off with a towel speckled with
dead flies, said a prayer to the backpack gods, and lay down inside my
protective net wondering which Añangu was scheduled to work the
Boogeyman shift that night.
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Friday, April 10, 2009
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Current mood:_wondering what "1-Click" is all about
**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. My usual blog "Gardening Resources for the Manly Man" will resume when this series is over.**
I awoke on Friday, March 6th ready to fulfill a dream I've had ever since I first ordered books online: to travel to the Amazon! We flew from Quito to Coca (still in Ecuador) and were met at the airport by our naturalist guide, Miguel, who was a wealth of information about rainforest flora and fauna, but was surprisingly uninformed when it came to Amazon.com's return policy.
We boarded a motorized canoe and began a two hour ride down the Napo river which eventually feeds into the Amazon river which eventually feeds into the Atlantic ocean which eventually drops off the side of the earth, according to various 16th century maps and some people in Lancaster, California.
Our destination was the Napo Wildlife Center, an eco-resort owned and run by the local Añangu people who had a simple dream in the early 1990s: to build a Indian casino and siphon gamblers away from Las Vegas. Unfortunately, they did not have any ancestral land in the United States, so they were forced to settle on building a luxury eco-hotel in the upper Amazon basin. The Añangu community is unique in that they conserve 82 square miles of pristine forest by refusing to hunt or fish in the territory and therefore support themselves solely through eco-tourism.
We arrived at the "Welcome Center" and met our other guide, Silvario, a local Añangu who had a sharp eye for wildlife but a blank stare whenever I asked why some items don't qualify for Free Super Saver Shipping even if the total is over $25.
We transferred to a dug-out canoe and Silvario, Miguel, and Some Other Guy™ proceeded to paddle us up the Añangu river toward the lodge. It was exactly what you'd imagine a visit to the Amazon rainforest to be like: a meandering canoe journey through a convoluted thicket of trees and oversize vegetation pleasantly scored by a soundtrack of unseen insects, exotic birds, and distant calls from creatures you could hardly imagine and couldn't wait to spot.
Oh--and this is where Dolphin Trainer™ wanted to throw up.
Apparently, something didn't agree with his stomach. Perhaps it was the ceviche (or "soup of human mucus" as I like to call it) that he ate the night before. He suddenly grew pale and even stopped taking photos! When Dolphin Trainer™ stops taking photos, it's best to check for a pulse first before jumping to any other conclusion. After a few minutes of "Hey, now you're whiter than Brandon" jokes, Dolphin Trainer™ regained the color in his face and began stealing the souls of Amazonian wildlife once again.
It took about an hour and a half for our guides to paddle us to the lodge. Along the way, Miguel and Silvario pointed out many birds for us to photograph including the Hoatzin or "Stinky Turkey" which is a fun nickname to bestow upon your travel companion. At least, that's what Dolphin Trainer™ claims. Personally, I think it is not fun or funny at all. Jerk.
In fact, if anyone was a "Stinky Turkey" while we were in the Amazon, I'd say it was Dolphin Trainer™ who unfortunately never fully recovered from his sudden sickness and spent a lot of quality time over the next 3 days adding to the human compost of the jungle.
When we arrived at the picturesque resort nestled on the shore of Añangu lagoon, we were greeted by the manager of the hotel, the bartender with welcoming drinks on a tray, and a bank of Wheel of Fortune slot machines (their dream came true!).
The resort consists of 10 native-style cabanas, a large dining hall, and a 50 foot observation tower. I could hardly contain my excitement as I ran up the cozy footpath to the main building. After years of anticipation, I knew this would be a moment to savor. I leaped up the steps and entered a place that, up to that point, had only seemed to exist in my imagination. Breathlessly, I tried to communicate my eagerness to one of the workers who clearly did not speak much English at all. After some moments of confusion, he finally understood and pointed to a corner of the dining hall.
And there it was.
Or...wasn't.
I found just one lousy bookshelf sparsely filled with less than 20 used books. I don't know where the hell Amazon keeps that huge inventory, but it certainly isn't at the Napo Wildlife Center.
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Thursday, April 02, 2009
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Current mood:_craving a Big Mac
**This is an ongoing series recapping my last vacation. Any similarities to blogs living or dead is purely coincidental.**
Where did we leave off? Oh, that's right, we had just been scammed by the Mustard Thieves™. So, after that fiasco, we did what any American tourist would do. We ate at McDonalds. Yes, nothing like the golden arches to renew your faith in humanity.
On the way back to the hotel, we stopped at an outdoor store where I bought a new backpack, headlamp, and beanie. When we arrived back at our hotel, Los Alpes (which probably means The Adirondacks in Spanish), I tried to explain to the lady behind the desk that my backpack was stolen and our hotel key along with it.
She didn't seem concerned. She just said "no problem" and had the maid open our door. We were paranoid and figured with our luck the Mustard Thieves™ would deduce where our hotel was by the colorful knit flower that was attached to the key and ransack our room while we were gone. So we hid our bags in the safety deposit box that most people refer to as "the closet".
As we walked to our 2pm equator tour pick up, we discussed how we were obviously walking targets in Quito so we devised a brilliant plan of deterrence. From here on out during the trip, we were now Canadians! Everyone knows Canadians don't get ripped off. Only dumb Americans do. We rehearsed our plan: We were from Calgary, Alberta where Dolphin Trainer™ worked at a zoo (very imaginative, there DT™) and I worked as a security guard at a strip mall. Take that you criminals of South America! If only we had arrived in Ecuador with such a security plan already in place!
Our first guide of the trip picked us up outside a tour company office. I couldn't tell you the name, so let's just go with Adirondack Tours (which is Los Alpes Giras in Spanish if you're reading this blog for school credit). He was a very nice fellow whose name escapes me at the moment so let's just call him Our First Guide of the Trip™. He immediately tested our target-worthiness by asking where we were from. I said, "Alberta" at the same time Dolphin Trainer™ said, "Calgary".
Uh oh.
Technically correct, but I think he caught the uncertainty in our eyes. We would definitely have to step up our game if we were to avoid another mustard scenario.
He drove us to the Inti Nan Solar Museum which is supposedly located (unlike the big Equator monument a mere 250 meters to the south) on the actual GPS-confirmed equator. I say supposedly because I read one guy on the internet who disagrees. That's good enough for my skepticism. (By the way, 250 meters is 250 feet for those of you unfamiliar with the metric system or the type of internet research I engage in).
Anyway, at the Inti Nan Solar Museum, for only $3 you can shoot poison darts, marvel at a shriveled human head, salivate over deliciously alive guinea pigs, balance an egg on a nail, wonder if the fellow tourist from "Las Vegas" is some plant assigned to your tour group specifically to break you of your deep cover, and finally, watch a "demonstration" of the Coriolis Effect with leaves and a tub of water like this.
If you watch that short video, you'll see the crowd be convinced that water flow changes drastically within a few feet around the equator. I, however, live in the age of science and I have discovered through my research that these museum guides are nothing more than practitioners of black magic who manipulate the laws of physics with evil spells and incantations. Do not be fooled by them!
After the equator museum, Our First Guide of the Trip™ drove us to the Pululahua Crater which was given to Ecuador as a gift from the Hawaiian islands back in 1825. It was nice and swell which means I really have nothing to say about it.
Our First Guide of the Trip™ eventually dropped us off at a Tatoo adventure gear store where I bought a light jacket. This is noteworthy only for what happened when we entered. As we walked toward the back of the store we were stopped by a man who pointed at our backpacks and then at some lock boxes near the front. OK, I'd seen those before, so we handed over our backpacks and went on shopping. And guess what? IT HAPPENED AGAIN! That's right, this time *both* our backpacks got swiped! Unbelievable.
Wouldn't that suck? Ha, ha! April Fools! However, in retrospect, I must admit that the guy wasn't that official looking and he did have to track us down to give us the key for the locker. So overall I'd say that less than 6 hours after being robbed we weren't too much the wiser for it.
The day ended in an authentic Ecuadorian restaurant with Dolphin Trainer™ eating some kind of disgusting-looking soup while I had some kind of chicken on my plate that was possibly a guinea pig. Or a shriveled human head. Either way, it was fairly tasty.
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