138 lbs. First time this week I'm not 10 stone. It's something.
It's not been the best two days in any sort of way so it's best not to think about that. I'm having Redbull now and that's all that matters.

Thank you three so much for commenting back... Didn't think anyone was there anymore, and it's nice to be surprised. You're most likely right about the camera thing, but I can't do that (and won't). I need to know where I stand or I'll keep getting bigger and bigger until I finally am back at 230ish lbs and that's - a big no.

I have a big treatment team meeting coming up next week - it'll be my nurse and my occupational and physical therapists (love them all) and the doctor who's in charge (hate her like poison). They're making decisions on how we're going to go on from here, and they say that I have to be present - it's my right, and I have to be able to have a say in it all. Thing is though, I don't have a say. I mean, I don't know WHAT to say. We have different goals as far as the weight and lax go... In other things I'm willing to cooperate, but I'm not sure how much use it is if my heart isn't fully in it.

I fear they're going to stop all the therapy because I won't quit lax. Or because I don't simply start committing to accepting myself at this weight. The nurse said that that won't happen, and so did the occt, but I don't trust anything until the whole meeting is actually over.
There may be another blood test because I've been complaining about dizziness quite a bit lately. I have taken my blood pressure yesterday and today - I'm not sure I'm doing it right, but if I am, it is quite low for my standards. (I have a normal/low reading normally, but now it's a bit lower than that.) The occt told me to write the numbers down and bring them to that meeting, so I guess I'll do that.

I have nothing to say, it's all medical stuff. Oh, I did go see Laputa: Castle in the Sky on Tuesday and loved it murderously... if you haven't seen it yet, go now.

I have to start getting ready to go out. Meeting dad and Riitta for some shopping and lunch later, and then my best friend for coffees in the late afternoon. Looking forward to the latter, and also the former - not so much the lunch, though I love food. Hate food. Love food. Hate food. Uh.

Hello, blog.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing here anymore. I guess not much. I don't have anyone to talk to, but that's what blogs are for - it's an imaginary wall you can smash your head against, and you won't get bruised. Apart from mental bruises of course... yet again. And again and again.

Status check: 140 lbs. It's a bit lower than it was last fall (160, give or take 5 lbs depending on the bingelax cycle), that was murderous. Lost 20ish in just over a month, then static. It's been static for a while now. I hate it - I hate THIS.

"This" means: still on lax, still full of self hate like never before, still obese, still not going anywhere. Still not back on Cipralex. Probably should be, I feel like I'm falling apart. Who gives a shit, though.

Did I ever mention that I came clean about the lax the day after I was officially and permanently out of IP? Well, I did. Broke down during my nurse appointment, cried, told her everything. What happened next was blood tests that showed nothing, except that my body was quite dehydrated so the results probably weren't accurate and I was probably a little anemic. So really there was nothing wrong with me. Now they just keep bringing up the subject of quitting the lax, but I won't do it, and they can't force me because I'm not in any physical danger. Translation: I'm too fat for them to really get involved or for them to even seriously worry about me.

I just hate life - that is the consensus. I want to make a food plan and stick to it. I came across some old pictures of myself online, and I almost cried because I so wish I could get that back. It was nowhere near adequate but... well, just look at these pictures from today and you can imagine how I feel now:









Yeah :( I know.
I'm too depressed to write more, which is probably a good thing. I don't know if I'll ever update again... at least I've made one entry for 2009 now. So much for lucky numbers - I don't see anything good in the horizon at the moment, unless a truck runs over me tomorrow when I cross a road somewhere. Fingers crossed.