I never felt like i could be happy.Never really felt like i deserved it. Life deals you cards and you play what you get..sometimes it feels like i got dealt the shittiest hand..
 Sometimes i hurt so bad my chest litaraly feels like its gonna cave in. I dont know how to make things better. I feels like i either not pretty enough, smart enough and definatly not strong enough. I just want to be happy. Is it too much to ask to be able to breathe, i mean really just take a deep breath and enjoy it. Not just to calm down or to stop my self from saying whats on my mind.. I should just say it , the blow up is gonna happen eventually.I just want to be happy.
I guess my biggest problem is i dont know what i want or what will make me happy.
i want my family to be together .. I want to be an awesome mom, no t just a good mom but an awesome mom.. I want to be needed , appreciated, and wanted as a wife  and as a woman... I want to be sexy and feel sexy.. I want to be irrisistable.. At some point i want to be #1 to someone and be something..
  I guess i want alot.. I dont want anything tangible.. I dont care if i have the latest and greatest of the biggest and best... I just want a stable life.. where i can be comfortable.. comfortable in my own home and my own skin...

i am invisble.. no one can see me . not the real crazy, mixed up me.it hurts so bad to lose him , but it hurts so bad to have him..i am alone and it scares the shit out of me.. how do i do it.. its all new to me.. and i don't know how.. i AM invisible 

same shit different day.. lies and bullshit.. its over.. its not my problem, its not my problem..i am not captain save-a-hoe.... i can't control other people.. i can't can't control anyone.. i'm coocoo for crack...i still love you ... o .. i cant forget to say.. i'm sorry.. i'm really sorry... but its not my fault

i'm locked in a box there's a whole in my heart.

i'm runnining circles trying to find my spot.

no one can find me cause i won't let them in.

i'm lost in my thoughts,confused in whats real.

why does it hurt, why can't i feel it.

wake me up from reality.

                                     sam

 

you know i have never made it public that i write poetry cause i have always cared to much what other people think well fuck it.. Drop me from the highest heights and see how far i fall now you want to kiss me but not pick me up I'm still falling trying to grasp any sight of sainty but you keep me from climbing to those branches You know i am burning deep inside, yet you have no fire.

Let me fall or catch me , you decide

this is just some old school poetry i thought id put out there...

 

life is a blur                                                                       

situations unmanagable

yeat so easy to deal with

tear and pain go hand and hand

sometimes smiles intrude and take over

Life can be so scary yet exciting

tiring and on the go

it all ends up the same

difficult and easy

the same but different

black but white

Inside your eyes its just a blur..

just sittin here its one of those down times when you reflect on every single minute thing in your life.. what went wrong, what did i do kinda times, would it be different if I had made a different choices..

its one of those down times.. what should i do,where should i go....should i just pick up and start all over then i could have new drama in my life and leave this alone..

well thsi is my first bog so we'll see how many people care to read it..

Sometime i wonder if life is for real.. i know taht souds like a stupid question but seriously, i mean think about it we go through so many hardships in life and few ever get to the top,we just struggle and struggle, i mean i feel like there is no top because everytime i almost see it i get knocked even farther down theni was in the beginning, wether it be in finances or relationships, work or play.

then back on subject,why is it taht the good people in life alway get sick and die.. maybe the are going to really lifve life, and i don't mean like heaven or hell, i mean somewhere wherer you can get what you deserve, i mean you never hear of mass muders having cancer its alway your grandparnts or clebs that actually do good things for other people,never the ones who deserve it,why??

i guess i'm through venting aboutmy sucky life