this blog is going to be kind of random, emo, and sad. maybe. we'll see where it goes.
i feel really lonely lately. i see friends and hang out with them the same as i always have, but i dont feel like i'm really living. i sit around and do nothing, or i go to work and come home and do nothing. i'm not doing anything satisfying. i try to make videos, but i can only do them when i get inspired, and i am increasingly less inspired every day. i still have a House/Cameron video that i havent worked on in weeks, because i feel like ive done all i can do with them and i dont feel original anymore.
i also feel like a poser sometimes. not because i am, but because i think everyone else is, which makes me feel like i am too. i dont think that sentence made any sense lol. but its like every time i go to the mall, i feel so uncool. i dont want to be like everyone else, but i feel like i dont want to be like me either. it would be easier to just love twilight (movie, not books) and hannah montana and whatever else, but i cant do it. i feel like an ass when i talk bad about them, but NO ONE around me likes any of the things that i like. not as much as i like them at least. they can watch the shows i like or listen to the music i like, but they dont connect with me over it. thats where the lonleyness comes in. i dont have anyone to geek out about the xfiles with, or watch Rocky Horror with, or anything like that.
there so much negativity everywhere around right now. i dont know when fans became so critical of everything, but it really bums me out. i started really feeling it when David Duchovny went to rehab. that was the start of my hate of all things showbiz. all magazines that promote rumors, or tv news shows that do the same. we dont know these people, and it made me really think about things now. like how would i react to these situations?, how would i feel when these things happen to me?, and i see that their reactions are just like mine. when i hear a new "Story" about someone i love, like David or anyone, it goes in one ear and out the other. i dont listen anymore. if it comes from the person, i believe it. none of my idols have ever given me a reason to not trust them, and i am sick of people that just live to stir things up.
the same thing happens with bands. the Paramore fan community is completly split between people that hate them now because they have changed, and people that just discoverd them from twilight or whatever, and think they are awsome. i admit that the first time i heard them was on mtv, but that does not make me any less of a true fan than someone who has liked them since way back. i found Modest Mouse with Float On, but i have all their albums and they are one of my favorite bands. it doesnt matter how you find a band, it matters how they make you feel. the music is what is important, there is no ranking of fans.
its like i cant imagine what the rest of my life is going to be like in this town. i dont know anyone in my life that i would consider marrying, which means i will be here alone, but i dont think i could move away. they thought of moving farther than across the street scares me to death. which might be what happens when my dad gets the shop/garage/game room/semi-apartment finished. i just cant see anything past the next few months. i dont know whats going to happen. that is both scary and exciting, and hopefully it turns out to be exciting.
aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyywwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy im sounding really sad and stuff, but im not. im just bored. i think ive said everything thats on my mind. ive been playing GTA 4 alot, mostly hookers by night, strip club by day. i make money by killing people and taking it from them. and i use cheat codes. and i still havent found a hellicopter to fly to the top of the tallest building and jump off.
what does everyone want for christmas????????????