I just watched an awesome movie and I thought I should share.  Especially since most of my posts are not so happy.

The movie is called Broken Flowers.  It stars Bill Murray, and has a tremendous supporting cast including Sharon Stone, Jessica Lange, and Tilda Swinton to name a few.

I really enjoy movies that make you think and dont give you all the answers.  I also like how it is not constant action, but there is time and pause like in life to reflect on what just happened and what will happen next.

I am eternally fascinated with interpersonal relationships and with personal motivations.  This movie deals with both.

Kudos to the writer Jim Jarmusch, and to Bill Murray and the whole cast for thoroughly entertaining me and really stimulating me.

I guess now is as good a time as any to mention another movie I saw recently that I really didnt like and how it made me think about movies in general.  Life Free or Die Hard was the movie.  Maybe it is just not a good movie but it almost offended me in that it seemed like a mindless glorification of violence. 

It would be easy to just pass it off as that, until I thought about another movie that I really enjoyed that had as much violence and maybe more.  Kill Bill I and II.  I want to tell myself that Kill Bill is art, I mean I really feel that way, but am I being hyprocritical?  Is it just better written?  Better Acted?  Better Directed?  Or is it fair to call one of them art and one of them mindless drab. 

Worse actually, I think movies like Live Free Die Hard are poisonous.  Those are the problem movies that have no artistic quality, that are contributing to the deconstruction of society and morals and all that.  But who am I to decide?  Or am I exactly who should decide?  I mean beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?  That includes art, right? 

So, maybe I can choose what I is poisonous but have no right to keep peope from watching it and enjoying it regardless of the effects.

Anyone have a take?

It wouldn't be a normal day for me if I wasn't confused by people around me and how they act.  I am endlessly blown away by the lack of integrity that I seemingly witness all the time.  This is not to say I am not guilty of character failures, but I feel like I just seem to care more and therefore it happens less.

My life is so privileged, so easy compared to so many.  Yet I feel overburdened by my life.  Is it human nature to feel this way? 

And on the other hand I feel so slighted by fate and by myself.  I have made bad choices and been confronted with my fair share of bad luck.  Where does that leave me?  I feel like I am standing at the proverbial bus-stop, only the bus has come and gone.

I haven't been writing as much lately because talk is cheap.  Words have little bearing on character.  They have little accountability.  They change little.  But, I feel compelled to scream out to like minded people out there.  Where are you?  Tell me that I am not crazy to care.  Tell me that you care too.

Just a silly idealistic romantic.  Thinking that people would be better people if they just knew how much better the world be if they did.  Pretending that people actually care about others.  Dreaming of doing more to make the world a better place and finding the person who can help on that journey.

Everything you do is a reflection of the character, whether others know or not.  You know.  Be accountable to yourself, not because there is reward or punishment, but because it is the right thing to do.

And remember what my mother told me "anything worth doing is worth doing right".

I dont know I guess I am just different.  or think different just dont think people have any fucking values, any principles any fucking heart.  people are selfish.   and when the shit really hits the fan.... look out!  cause that is when you find out who people REALLY are.

you know what I want to bitch about though.  I am SICK and TIRED of being everyone's girlfriends "favorite" guy.  josh you are so fun, josh you are so awesome, josh you are the life of the party.  YEAH?  well blow me!

I mean seriously, I am tired of all the fucking girlfriends and wives out here that love me, but I cant get a fucking date????????  NO COMPUTE!

And people wonder why I am pulling away.. why I am hiding...

Am I hurt?  YES  big fucking yes!!!!!!!  but its a little more complicated than that. 

but really people.  have som fucking character.  have some fucking backbone. 

-Travis Bickle-

I want to set the record straight once and for all.  MOST people who are gay, DO NOT CHOOSE to be gay.  They are born gay.  That means from birth.  It is not a fucking preference, it is who they are.  It is like saying parent preference.  You dont get that choice, your mom and dad are who they are, like it or not.  I agree, there are some cases of people who choose to be gay, or to be bi-sexual, but that is not the norm.  If you don't believe me, ask a gay man or woman when he/she knew.  And then, LISTEN to the answer.  Don't worry, gay is not contagious, you can't catch it.

That is the biggest problem with the debate in my opinion.  The term "sexual preference" is a misleading, incorrect statement.  A lot of people are being led to believe that it is a decision that people are making.  It isn't.  A lot of men, and women, but men especially feel ashamed of being gay when they are young and try to hide it.  Some of them even get married and have children, hiding the truth and lying just to be a part of society and not be ridiculed and cast out like trash.

Who would choose to do that?  Who would choose to have their own religion tell them they are sinners and going to hell?  Who would choose that?  Who would choose to be openly ridiculed in public?  WHO?

Imagine that life for a second.  And ask yourself which is better.  A gay man hiding it and marrying and lying his whole life trapped and tortured?  Or two men who love each other marrying and creating  happiness? 

So to all the people who are against prop 8 and to anyone else who is rational, stop calling it a preference, it isn't one.  And call it what it is.  Being gay.  Do everyone that is fighting this fight a favor.

Let me say one other thing here.  It honestly shouldn't matter whether people choose or not!  And I agree that there are some people who choose to be gay or bi-sexual, but the root of all this is not those people.  But let me be clear, whether they choose or not, people should have the right to be treated with respect and equal and not discriminated against.

Why is it okay to hate gay people?  WHY?  Why is it okay to hate any group of people?  IT ISN'T! 

And while I am on the subject.  STOP USING THE WORD GAY TO BE MEAN LAME!  All of you homo-phobes that say "gay" when you don't like something, you are a BIGGOT!  That is hate speech, it is no different that saying "nigger" or, "kyke", or "spic", or any other racist, anti-semetic, culturaly biased word.  Maybe if you weren't so afraid of being gay, or just so afraid of everything that is different from you, you wouldn't be so hateful.

I don't honestly care if you condone gay marriage, or being gay.  I don't honestly care if you condone being black, or jewish, or muslim.  What I do care about is that you don't practice hate against your fellow man/woman.  If you don't like something, don't pay attention to it.  No one is trying to force you to watch them suck each other's dicks.  And no one is trying to convince your children to be gay. 

So to all you gay bashing biggots out there, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND  MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSSINESS! 

oh, and by the way, GOD IS JUST PRETEND!

I am sober tonight and yesterday for the first time in a long time, probably a month.  Its weird how my drinking just started to gain momentum and take over for a minute.   It was the main way I have dealt with my pain and loneliness for my whole life. Something good has come of it though.  I met someone this past weekend that had quite a profound impact on my life.  I feel compelled to write about it and about how I feel about my life right now.

            First of all, I had to write this in word because my loser roommate has been taking all the bill money and spending it elsewhere.  Our water has been turned off, our internet and cable are off and there is a stay of execution on our electricity.  Ummm, yeah, really.  Who knows when I will actually get to post this blog, although I am writing it on Tuesday night, Oct. 14^th. 

            So, I am a very lonely guy.  I have been alone most of my life.  I have had a few long-term relationships of 2 years or so, but they were not fulfilling.  I have never been good at, or tried very hard at dating.  I simply don't like it, and mostly have a lot of trouble getting dates with the women I want.  Of course, I am learning all the time what I really do want, but I know a little clearer now.

            First and foremost, I want a sweet girl.  I want a woman who appreciates me for who I am and enjoys the eccentricities that are me.  I want a woman who is willing to put everything they have into me, as I will put everything into her.  A woman who will trust me with her deepest, darkest secrets, as I will with her. I want a woman who can and will challenge me to become more everyday.  I want someone who will put me in my place and let me know when I am out of line.  A partner, a friend, a teacher, as well as a student of life and love, and my muse.  I want a reason to stay home, a reason to go to work, a reason to come home, and a reason to live.  I think so many men want a woman to be woman, and that's it.  Be hot and sexy and sexual, and cook and clean, but not a partner.  Not an equal.  I don't get that at all. 

            I think my biggest problem so far in life is that I haven't found the motivation to be great, because I feel like I will still never be happy, or meet this woman.  Frankly, I was not very convinced a woman like this even existed.  In some ways, I still don't.  But I met someone last weekend that seems awfully damn perfect so far.  Beautiful, sexy, sweet, funny, smart, charming, witty, honest, and just downright amazing.  Of course she lives as on the east coast, just my luck.  But, as weird as it may sound, it gives me hope.

            Yesterday I woke up with some purpose.  Something to strive for.  Something to believe life is worth living for.  A chance at a life I have dreamt of all my life.  Just to meet someone so caring and sweet and down to earth and amazingly sexy, was like a breath of fresh air.  I have been meeting so many woman out here with the "I am the princess and I deserve everything in life".  There is nothing sexier to me, than a big heart.  Okay maybe a killer ass, but it's a close second. 

            So, my plan is to start trying to put my ducks in a row.  I want to start getting my shit together a little better.  So, in case I meet someone who lives a little closer, or in case the U.S. folds in half, I will be a man I can be proud of offering.  I hope these feelings last.  I hope they last long enough.  I hope I am strong enough.  I hope I can still do it.

…….. The following Monday  Oct. 20^th.

I still haven't gotten a chance to post this since we still don't have internet, which I am bitter about and quite upset.  But, I wanted to continue about what I was talking about.  As scary as it sounds, I can't stop thinking about Amanda.  I am sure I have idealized her in my mind a bit, and cultivating feelings inside my own mind.  But, I am not sure I can help it.  I have so little going on in my life right now, that it is hard not to dwell.  And I have realized a few things about myself. 

The most important thing to me in life, hands down, is love.  Money, and travel, and cars, and whatever, could never bring the same joy and fulfillment as love.  Even having all those things would be worthless to me without someone to share them with.  At least not for me.  That is the thing that gives my life meaning, or gives me a reason to go on.  The thought of giving my love to someone and receiving in return and building a life that is more powerful, more constructive, more creative, more fun-filled, more satisfying, more passionate, than any one life, or any "single" life could ever be, is what keeps me going.  I love my friends to death, and their love for me gets me through.  But, I have a heavy heart and I can't help but feel like it burns because I have no one to give my love to.  I feel like I have so much love to give and just nowhere to put it.

I scare people away easily, mostly because of my intensity, but I think it is because of my insecurities and my fear of abandonment that force this self-defense mechanism.  I need to know up front if someone can handle what I am offering because I can't take the hurt later.  But, the truth is I am cheating myself.  I know this is true and I am fighting to change it.  I guess I always figured that someone would get me and help me.  But, I seem to scare them off too quickly for that.  Besides, I have so much baggage now, my waste your time on me, when there are plenty of guys who have their shit together, right?  But are there?

I hear so many women talking about their boyfriends, or husbands, lying to them, cheating on them, or in the less extreme, not appreciating them, not empowering them, belittling them, or whatever.  So, many things that I would never do.  Maybe I am not sexy enough, or confident enough.  Maybe I am not good enough in bed.  I guess that's my biggest fear.  Probably most, if not every guy's biggest fear.  I have actually been having an increasing issue with performance anxiety as time goes on.  Flashes of women who have hurt me, or situations where I wasn't up to the task shoot through my head like brights in my rearview mirror.  Seemingly burnt into my subconscious like I was starring at the sun. 

I am going to try and burn this to cd so I can post it at my buddies house tonight.  I like putting myself out there and really appreciate the thought that people read it.  It makes me feel… what's the word, real, significant I guess.  It makes me feel alive that I can say what I am really thinking.  So, thank you for reading.  And whatever you do, love with all your heart. 

tonight i went and see the wailers.

and i quote

forget your sorrows and dance....

forget your troubles and dance...

forget your weakness and dance...

forget your sickness and dance...

...and i did. and i felt amazing!!!  i love music!  and it feels great to dance!

I am in trouble.  Or at least I feel like I am in trouble.  I feel like my life has little meaning and direction.  I feel lucky to have the people around me that I do, but feel like I am letting people down with the choices I make.  I need to make some changes and I am so unsure of which direction to go in.  Lately I have been drinking and partying heavily to try and drown out the pains of lonliness and confusion.  I simply dont know what to do next.

My mind has been racing of all kinds of thoughts.  Moving to L.A. to try and act, or be on stage somehow, someway.  Moving back to the midwest and settling back to the modest lifestyle I came from.  Packing up and just taking off, anywhere, in search of a new life, and a fresh start.  Canada maybe.  Or Central America.

So, I am asking you for some suggestions.

If there is a career choice that I should be doing, please let me know.

If you think there is some activity that you think I should be doing,

If you think, I dont know, whatever, please, tell me.

I need some help these days.  I just feel like I need some solid direction.

Thanks and I love you all.

Why's it come as a suprise to think that I was so naive,

maybe didn't mean that much, but it meant everything to me!

...thats what I get!

I was first made aware of Apsaprtame and it's possible side-effects a few years ago.  I have since then carried a personal grudge against the substance and have even shared my beliefs to certain people.  But, I am doubting my conviction these days as any true skeptic would and and taking some time to try and sort through the rumors and propaganda and come up with some truth.

There are 2 aspects to the Aspartame story, first that it is posion, second that it  was approved through conspiracy.

Here is the story I was told about it being poison.  I was shown publications that stated the dangers of aspartame.  States it is an excitotoxin that gets into the bain and kills brain cells.  I was told it mimics the effects of sugar and therefore can mimic diabetes.  There is information out there saying it cause brain tumors, cancers and many other deadly and dabilitating diseases.  I have found published medical information stating both sides.  I am unconvinced either way.

I was then told that it was orignally unnapproved by the FDA and that only after Ronald Reagan was elected and replaced the head of the FDA was it approved.  I was also told that Donald Rumsfeld, who has obvious ties to George Bush and the Reagans was at the time president of the company that made Aspartame and stood to make substantial financial gain from its use.  There seems to be a lot more evidence of a connection, but I am still not completely convinced of full-blown curruption. 

If you do a search for Aspartame and Rumsfeld, or just Aspartame, you will find a ton of articles devoted to mostly the evil side.  I am not sure who to believe.  I find it easy to believe either side to be honest and it doesnt appear that there is conclusive evidence either way.  The best resource that I found for what appeared to be impartial information was Wikipedia.  to be found at

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aspartame_controversycite_ref-88

For what it is worth, I will personally never use anything with artificial sweeteners on a regular basis.  I have a phobia about chemicals in my foods.  And I believe the information out there about it is enough to make the benefits on it moot.  I also try to avoid sugar almost completely.  I dont drink soda, eat candy, or add sugar to my coffee or any of my foods.  I try to avoid anything with high fructose corn syrup or the like.  There is little information to discedit that sugar in concentrated forms is very bad for you, not just in terms of weight gain, but bad for your teeth and your health in general.

Just to give you some perspective, I am 31 years old and I have never had a cavity.  I also, dont brush my teeth.  I clean them with cloth and occasionally use mouthwash.  I stopped using toothpaste when I learned the possible side-effects of Flouride.  Which by the way will be the subject of my next article. 

I stopped drinking soda and eating sugars and the like when I was twenty.  I have problems with my wisdom teeth, but never a cavity. 

ok, so I am a little crazy...