Normally I buy organic strawberries at Whole Foods or at the Farmers market or some other places but last week I got some strawberries for a couple bucks cheaper somewhere else (where I buy other things I need and like) and they looked perfect (I bought 'em not because of how they looked but because of them being cheaper) and they were the most bland thing I've ever come across taste wise

there's no point in eating strawberries if they're bland, I mentioned all this to a friend of mine and he said that they may be bland but the point is that they're supposed to last longer and look perfect for a longer period.

I feel like I wasted my money I could've spent on other things but on the other hand I did learn a lesson about taking shortcuts epicurean wise so maybe it wasn't a waste. 

I read something while ago where some legislative people wanted to make it illegal to have home gardens where pesticides are not used in the process. I know a lot of people who have gardens and grow their own tomatoes and mint leaves and stuff and those are even more delicious than the organic versions I buy in the store!

Who the heck consumer wise wants to do away with taste?

And now that I look at these strawberries they do look as if they'd been shellacked and they've been in my fridge for almost a week now and still look perfect.

The taste of strawberries have always been one of the most exquisite things in the world to me

-MN

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The one thing I hate about Christmas truthfully since maybe I was 13 or 14 and still is that people try and pretend to be fake nice for one day try to be on their best behavior. My mom couldn't even make it till 4pm without screaming "Sven you're ruining the whole day you drunken bum!". 

But I've noticed that some people who never had the spirit of Christmas have caught the bug because of the state the country has been in recently

Christmas is about appreciating each other in spite of faults (and I am in NO way say that you being transgendered is a fault I'm saying that your family's attitude about it is).  

Just showing them how elegant and happy and comfortable and wise you are makes a difference

my friend Shorty says that epiphanies are a culmination of things, then all of a sudden one day it all comes together and makes sense

the day my mom told me that she was sad to say the lesbian couple on the block move was the most shocking thing I ever ever witnessed in my family.   

It was a gradual acceptance because she saw and got to know their elegance, 

their happiness and their humanity towards others (and mostly because they always kept their yard looking so nice which is important to my mom as a home owner)

most people WOULD rather be around people who are comfortable with themselves and charming

not people who feel hunted and picked on and defensive.

I say this as someone who is in no way perfect I can be a big depressed rats ass

the fact that your family still expects you to show up for family holidays and gatherings says a lot about them

as you know there are some people whose families totally cut them out of their lives because of being gay or transgendered

maybe they want to understand you and accept you but they don't know how to take those first steps because it's something that is out of the realm of their experience.

Just be charming and confident and full of humanity like you are around people who do accept you and your family might just come around to seeing that you are making the right choices for you, that you are one of Gods creatures and that you are in no way someone who is damaged needing to be psychologically cured into what fits their standards of 'normalcy'.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to a very beautiful friend

xoxoxoxoxo

Monica

I

ALL IN THE FAMILY - 'EDITH BREAKS OUT' 2-3

 part 2 

diversity 

when it comes to neighborhoods, 

musical bills etc is 

what exposes people to wonderful new worlds

all women bills or all rap bills etc

I listen to a lot of different things

not because I want to be hip

but because I learn a lot from a lot of different people

I don't go out and buy things that are at the top of the charts

as some of that is faked through low pricing or super heavy 

"Everybody else likes this so you should too!" promotion

 There are a so many wonderful bands and musicians out in the world today

and it's always been a true pleasure as a person the music I've come across 

when I was younger as well as now

I went to the film maker Tim Burton's art and sketch retrospective at 

the Museum Of Modern Art a few days ago and there's a bit of a public debate 

as to whether it even qualifies as art and then there's the notion on the part of some 

I heard while there that it was a bit daunting, that he's been so prolific in his passion and 

'what have I done I could never do that'.....I walked away with a 'stick to what you love and you'll get good at it' vibe

I think everybody and anybody can achieve things IF they really make it their passion, if they really commit to it and most importantly....why are they doing what they're doing in the first place. From the first time I sang in front of strangers in a public venue even if the consensus was that I was awful that is how I breathed and it would not have mattered. Some people did tell me I was awful, it didn't matter, that is how I breathe. When people are obsessively passionate about something they do eventually get better so maybe those who might've thought me awful might revise.....who knows.  

I am always learning. 

The STAY AWAY FROM PAY TO PLAY page was deleted and needs to restart  

please look this page up and add it, it's now called

Everybody not being out for themselves but supporting each other is what makes a scene either we want to be rock stars or we want to be part of a community 

heck being part of a community is what's helped keep George Tabb alive and with a chance of still having a long life.

I have never thrown money away in search of 'maybe dreams'.

Music (after I turned 17) has never been 'my dream'. It's been how I've breathed. Either one is or they are always hoping to be   

it's up to us.

Like the kid who wants to be a writer.....if they write and do something with those writings then BOOM! they are a writer

I may not be famous but then again I have never had my heart broken by the 'business of music'. I know quite a few musicians who gave up recording and performing because they became burnt out and disillusioned and these are some of the finest musicians I have ever heard. Fred Astair was once asked who the most talented dancer he'd ever seen was, he quickly shot out a name which the interviewer had never heard of, Astair said that's because they'd gave up early on.

With writing and acting as well as music, many people eventually after a 15 year mark find some or even a lot of success in life, because they stick it out. OR if not, one of the most important things in the world bottom line is having a body of work where you cringe over nothing. But that's just me. To me music is art and art is personal.

Creating music it is a deeply personal thing and I can honestly say (if no one ever uncovers that disco record I made in 1979) that I've have never done anything to cater to anyone else, I've never done anything in hopes that someone else would like me. I'll try things and when I feel increasingly uncomfortable I pull out (insert joke here)

BUT that is why I have never had my heart broken in the field of music and why I still love writing and performing and on occasion releasing stuff and why I still have a very positive attitude about it all. This is why I appreciate everything about the musical world I continue to live in as well as the people I am surrounded by. Some of them famous some of them not (or not yet).

I may not be famous but then again all I've ever wanted to be since I was 13 was be a singer who wrote my own lyrics and I feel very blessed to be able to do so and I feel very blessed to know and be acquainted with a lot of musicians and a lot of bands who think enough of their talent to never have to pay to play, I don't recall ever doing that although there are some bands I have liked and do like that are involved in these pay to play situations but frankly it's like watching your beloved relative pay for attention when they can get it just by proper choices, by believing in themselves enough.  So I stay away from going to the 'pay to play' shows of bands I otherwise like. 

I would never pay anyone to like me as a person and as music is a deeply personal creation I equally seriously would never pay for the 'privilege' of playing on a certain bill or be included on some kind of compilation that was handed out for free at festivals.

There are so many wonderful comps that actually get sold in stores which DOES make a band look better by the way.

Spend your money wisely and you might always feel respectable and may never get your heart broken by 'the music business'

Also along with the Musicians Against Pay-To-Play page

sometimes I post topics and replies on ORGAN ART FREE FORUM

about this subject (along with George Tabb's situation) but always read everything as I really like that magazine and what it stands for. 

"SAY NO 2 PAY TO PLAY' and on the other side GOOD PROMOTERS WHO DO IT RIGHT"

is a continuing topic on that forum

Word of mouth IS imperative when it comes to anything and in this day and age musician word of mouth is a zillion times easier. Make good choices in life and there's a better chance for happiness and fulfilling ones creative goals

All the best to those I know and to those I don't know yet

-Monica Nelson

P.S. PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO MUSICIANS AGAINST PAY-TO-PLAY BLOG IF YOU REQUEST FRIENDSHIP!

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THIS is the best interview I have ever heard from George it was probably the hardest but it's also full of hope and love. 

He's a nice guy who wants to keep living. 

I don't feel sorry for you

I worry about all of us

me you and everyone else 

who cares about things beyond ourselves

what does caring about more than oneself mean

well, wondering why ones dad doesn't love or connect with them 

is not selfish

wondering why other pivotal older authority figures 

don't even bother to take the time to care

is not selfish, 

but we can go either way at certain junctions

we can dish up that indifference 

10 times harder 

and more impressive

or become the opposite, 

become the kind of 

relatives and older people 

we've always needed 

and have once in a blue moon 

have lucked into 

or 

have had to claw for

whether it be in our teenage years or way beyond

it's always a choice 

with no excuses 

we do choose 

who we want to become

I am by no means perfect or saintly 

but I have really put a lot of effort into 

becoming the kind of person 

that I've always wished to be

and I am by no means finished

I myself got a dog to help me learn and remember a lot of things

but it is all about who one surrounds themselves with

and don't the assholes come out 

when they see weakness

and vulnerability

as opposed to the true friends and family

who plead to us to not to go walking with the assholes

the ones who without arrogance but only with concern

tell us things?

People who are on a destructive path KNOW quite well they are

and it is all of our choices as to who we listen to and who we let in

maybe not when we're teenagers but there's life beyond the teenage years 

and it is pretty wonderful

I may not be the best spokesperson for anything 

but the older I do get the happier I get and terms of 

coming to grips with things and discovering new possibilities

I am not bullshitting you, life can be pretty wonderful 

and pretty cool depending on who you surround yourself 

with even during those dark nights of the soul when you 

want to call someone up and sob uncontrollably to.

I am not kidding, there is no need for fraternizing with bottom feeders 

who prey off of people (I include myself here) who 'think too much' 

or whatever one wants to call us.

We are all of us more valuable than the sum of our parts 

but if what we project is that we are willing to part ourselves out for acceptance

then who can ever respect us

first and foremost ourselves

we are more than our boobs and our asses our guitar playing or mathematic skills

but it is up to us ourselves to recognize and value that our own unrecognized well roundedness. If person doesn't jump into some kind of mix maybe no one else will ever know they've been alive, life IS meant to be adventurous and fun and learning, isn't it?

respectfully

-Monica N.

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-Monica N.

======================

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are you trying to erase yourself 

 not a bad thing to be or to talk sexual 

but why would you delete the other parts of yourself 

 I myself am by no means perfect, friends acquaintances 

and strangers sometimes have been very analytical in 

pointing some things out to me, it all depends on where 

someone's coming from. 

Have you been erasing your personality in complete public promotion 

of your sexual self? There's a lot of bottom feeders who come out of the woodwork 

and prey upon people who feel vulnerable, it happens to many of us, 

 I realized yesterday why I gave up a friendship, 

it was because of a rhetorical question uttered out loud,  

"I wonder if you'll be one of the ones who don't commit suicide" 

 I cannot be friends with or in any way acquainted with someone 

who would say something like that out loud to me whatever my 

emotional state happens to be. There's nothing wrong with 

feeling ones sexiness 

but what IS sexiness 

isn't sexiness having first of all a healthy respect for oneself above all else? 

About feeling like a total package sexiness is not just about cleavage 

or some flirty talk I tried to send you a message but was unable. 

I wrote in your truth box whatever that is 

The only application I myself have added is the random friend cube thing

maybe I'll add the truth box although that might open up some anonymous malicious verbiage directed at me, 

there's always some asswipe willing to say anything hurtful if they don't have to say it to your face, always consider the motives of anyone and you won't go nuts, and always consider your value as a human being and what you can contribute as a human being in whatever way 

 THIS is why I have not gone nuts, 

 people are always finding other people wildly sexy in all colors shapes and sizes

 Where do we get confidence in ourselves from 

HOW do we get confidence in ourselves 

I'm still learning, 

some of it is who one surrounds themselves with

All comments much appreciated on this subject as a lot of us go through this

and are still going through this in various stages

to be loved as parted out beings but maybe not as a whole and compartmentalizing ourselves for acceptance and attention. What is good attention and what is bad for us

to treat ourselves as commodies

regarding parting ourselves out

and hiding the rest

or rather erasing the rest

people who follow their gut instinct 

people who follow their gut instinct regarding things that might make no sense to anyone else at the time. Jimminy Cricket was the voice of Pinnoccio's conscience and Pleasure Island sounded pretty good at the time as did joining the marionette show before Pleasure Island.

We are all intuitive people but many choose to ignore those intuitions.

I admire, applaud (and wish that more) people follow their gut instincts when it's telling them things not worrying about being polite or worrying about looking stupid because we all have cognitive abilities that we ignore out of politeness or passive curiousity. 

-MN

My dad was pretty much always drunk, maybe not at work, he was a very talented bricklayer and worked on the Alaska pipeline. He helped build several cool structures in Portland. Work was very important to him, just like music is very important to me.

My dad comes from a large family of drunks, and those who weren't drunks married drunks, most of them cleaned up, my dad never did though, I think he might've been medicating himself from stuff. He never told me he loved me as far as I can remember, he was a nice guy though, he turned into a fun grandpa giving little kids pennies and ice cream although supervision was necessary because er dropping a fireplace poker on a kids head didn't boher him or throwing little kids against a wall for holding the refrigerator door open a little too long because of it all costing money bothered him....

I will forever remember my mom running out in her nightgown if she had to to try and stop my habitually drunk dad from driving drunk, it was rather embarrassing to myself, maybe to the neighbors, my mom didn't care how any of it looked, she was scared to death that my dads actions might kill somebody else. When I was 18,19 years old me and a bunch of my friends who would all get together on a regular basis and drink and stuff there was a guy named Jim one of the few amongst us who had a car and one of the few amongst us who had a car who would actually wanna drive after getting shitfaced drunk. ALL OF US spent time trying to grab his keys away from him and ALL OF US got slugged in the jaw for it, we all knew he shouldn't drive at the end of the night he was adamant. Eventually we got tired of being socked in the jaw which he would adamantly do and it was not long afterwards that he killed somebody while he was drunk behind the wheel.

A lot of times people don't want to embarrass themselves or anybody else or want to make too much of  scene or get anyone in trouble regarding these drinking getting behind the wheel things.  

There comes a point in the lives of kids who grow up with boozers where they know the boozers are getting too fucked up to be effective and responsible grownups but we're all taught at a very young age to be polite and to show respect to everyone older.

There was a drunk driving crash that killed an 11 year old girl and the woman behind the wheel although her husband argued with her about her inebriation she got behind the wheel with several children, several were hurt and one of them died, her own little girl is currently maybe forever racked with guilt feeling like it's her fault

it's never the fault of any kid, we're all taught to defer or to be embarrassed when our parents deviate from politeness

My mom is the greatest person in the world to me for not caring what anybody ever thought regarding that, all she ever cared about at those moments was my dad would get behind the wheel and maybe hurt or kill somebody else and how she needed to stop him. And she eventually got him to stop driving.

Heck for one little kid to die and for another little kid to feel guilty because it was her mother that was responsible and all their friends missing the dead kid and weighing in and trying to make sense of it all and we're all taught to defer to grownups.

the greatest thing is to trust ones (non drunken) instinct whatever it is and just refuse to get into a car no matter how inconvenient it is or to just in a polite as way as possible grab someones car keys away if they are too inebriated to drive

arrogance mixed with the death wish can potentially kill.....any of us, anybody we care about who may happen to be on the same road as the inebriated

I used to be embarrased by my mom and the last couple years I can't even get over how  awesome she's been.

-MN