* A man who tried to hire a prostitute to take his 14-year-old son's virginity was in court over the weekend... the 42-year-old father said that he tried to get his son laid the old fashioned way, but the kid's teacher just wasn't into him. * A man in Fresno pleaded not guilty to charges of holding his 7 year old son down as someone tattooed gang signs onto his body. If convicted, Enrique Gonzalez faces life in prison and life in landscaping if he isn't.

Because I'm nothing if not a petty-asshole, I do want to note that, as much as I am enjoying the Dr Katz DVDs, I still think it was a dick-move on Comedy Centrals part to release a DVD of Season 1 and a DVD of Season 2 and then decide "fuck you if you bought those because Seasons 3-6 will only be available in this hundred dollar box set."

Don't forget to check back next week and see what increasingly useless shit I'm mad about then!

So, here are some jokes... they're like the other jokes execpt the letters may be bigger or smaller and be shaped differently. I know it probably doesn't even matter to you, but that's why I'm here.

Anyway: 

* A lottery player in Spain has won 126 million euros which is the biggest ever European jackpot for a single ticket... 126 million euros translates to, roughly, 103 million bowls of gazpacho at the bull fights.

* According to a new study, junk food ads account for 90% of commercials during children's programing... even more disturbing, the other 10% are still for Male Enhancement products. * According to a new survey, too much sunlight appears to increase a person's likelihood to commit suicide... although, it should be noted that this survey was conducted exclusively at screenings of "Twilight."

* John Gosselin, star of John and Kate Plus Eight was caught in a cheating scandal last week and now it appears that the girl also stars in a home made sex tape... boy, if he keeps cheating with girls on tape, that's gonna give a whole new meaning to John And Kate Plus Eight.

* Vegas showman Danny Gans died in Las Vegas last week and because his death was so sudden that his family and friends wanted to perform an autopsy to try to determine a cause of death.... In a related story, Carrot Top also dies each week in Vegas, but it doesn't take an autopsy to know why that happens.

* Controversial sumo grand champion Asashoryu has triggered speculation he is close to quitting the ancient heavyweight sport... the press began to take the rumors very seriously after seeing his Deal-A-Meal cards.

* An upcoming issue of hiphop magazine "XXL" will feature a comic book story with both The Punisher and Rapper Eminem. The new issue is expected to be shot to death by rival company DC Comics.

* ABC has just picked up a reality series in which Ryan Seacrest and British chef Jamie Oliver will give health makeovers to the most unhealthy places in the U.S.... naturally, the first stop will be Rosie O'Donell's house.

* Boy George has served 4 months of a 15 month sentence for handcuffing a male escort in his East London apartment back in 2007. The openly gay singer says that, apparently, he was released early for bad behavior.

* Tobey Maguire and his wife welcomed a baby boy into the world on Friday. The actor's rep says that the family is "healthy" and that the new boy is already taller than his Dad.

Come back next week when I find something equally as meaningless to be upset about.

Either that, or explain to me how you can hang a satalite dish in outer-fuckin-space and not rain proof the fuckin dish that recieves the fuckin signal. 

As I write this, Kenney is here trying to point out that there might be other things to worry about... something about starving kids somewhere in a country that I can't spell. Heres what I say: fuck them. Theyre Direct "TV" dishes are probably fine because they live in drought conditions. 

I've got a better idea! Why don't they send some of those little fucks here with a couple umbrellas and we can put their starving little asses to work sheilding these goddamn dishes! Thats win-win in my book. 

And, if you think this Blog is strongly worded, imagine what its like sitting next to me as I wait for the NHL playoffs to come back from this black screen. Well, its not like that little kid wasnt gonna hear the "C Word" some day.

* Thursday is the National Day of Prayer... or, as its know in school, "Finals."

* The Vatican is saying that it is considering a copyright infringement lawsuit against Ron Howards new movie Angels And Demons. Apparently, the only people that can make money from fabricated stories about God is The Church.

* Hundreds of gay rights activists marched through the city of Philadelphia over the weekend... it wasnt a protest, though. They were just getting in line early for the Sex & the City sequal. * Senators from both political parties are urging Preaident Obama to look outside the judiciary branch to find the replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. You know, I have to agree with them. Call me old fashion, but when Im looking for an example of some one with good judgment, its not a man who goes to work in a floor-length black dress. * Good News/Bad News: The Good News is tha Oprah Winfrey will be the commencement speaker at Duke University on Sunday. The Bad News is that she will also be the guest of honor at a party thrown by the Lacrosse Team. * A customer at a McDonalds in Switzerland found a condom in their Happy Meal over the weekend. The man said his only problem with it was the timing, adding "if I had one of these before, I wouldn't have to be BUYING Happy Meals." * TVGuide.com took a survey to see how people like the new American Idol judge Kara DioGuard, and they found that 60% of the people wanna give her the boot. The other 40% wanna give her something I'm not allowed to say on the air. * Nia Vardalos, the woman who starred in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York over the weekend talking about the fact that she's lost 40lbs since the movie came out. She even mentioned that she's working on a new project called "My Big Thin But Still Ugly Greek Wedding." * TV execs for several popular Spanish soap operas have opted to reduce the number of kissing scenes in each show for fear of spreading the Swine Flu... however, it's still unclear why the actors were kissing pigs in the first place.

This is the place where I normally promote an upcoming advice video that, lately, never comes. I will refrain from doing that, but mention that there are plenty of old ones available. They should keep you busy until I feel like posting new ones again.

I am out and about tonight and I just spent the better part of 15 minutes bitching and complaining to my friends about a guy in here and I no sooner stop when he walks right over to me. Now, he didnt hear any of it... he actually came over to introduce himself and say that he liked my work. And, what did Billy Big-Mouth say when presented with this golden opportunity...? 

Let's just say that I hope the Hall of Fame has a nice snack bar.

* Tyra Banks is going to testify against a Georgia man who's been accused of stalking her across the country... obviously, anyone going to that much trouble to be near Tyra Banks will get off by pleading insanity.

* Over the weekend, Jessica Alba celebrated her 28th birthday with an 80's theme party. Trying wear something authentic to the time period, she went dressed as a fetus.

* Bea Arthur passed away over the weekend. She will be remembered for her roles on Maude and Golden Girls and also for being the only actress in the history of show business that no one ever masturbated to.

* GM has announced that its going to discontinue its Pontiac brand. The company is reminding people that they will continue to produce the Camero so there will be no lapse in White Trash Transportation market.

* FOX has decided that it will not air President Obama's 100 day press conference tomorrow night, instead opting for a live edition of American Idol... the network sad that they don't need to air President Obama because they've already got a show scheduled to ruin people's hopes and dreams.

* Tomorrow's Mexico City premiere of the new movie "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" has been postponed due to the deadly outbreak of swine-flu... you know, it's bad enough that comic book fans have to DATE pigs, but now this?

* Dateline - Jerusalem, Israel: Health officials there say they will refer to the Swine Flu as the Mexican Flu out of respect to the country's Orthodox Jews... or, as they will now be known, The Tremendously Thrifty Lawyers and Bankers with Curly Sideburns.

* Police departments around the world are warning people to be wary of anyone wearing a surgical mask in public. While most people are wearing them out of fear of the Swine Flu epidemic, some people have been know to use them during crimes like robbery or singing Thriller and then molesting your male-children.

If I know anything about comedy it's that you can never go wrong closing on a Michael Jackson joke!

(If there were two things that I know about comedy is that sarcasm is very hard to detect online.... too bad I only know that first thing.)