http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hz0TMG_Wu08

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avnvIXcVaNU

Note it just occurred to me to put a warning at the beginning of this fucker, because it gets pretty uh….detailed and veiny at parts. So, to those people who don't like things that have been made flat like paper, or to those few citizens who doesn't know what a Double Decker is, please, do yourself a favor and don't read the following, or at least, don't read past the part that says "violently extrude". Cheers!

Sunday December 31st, 2006
New Year's Eve proper.  By the way, this dealy picks up where the last dealy left off, which makes sense. We woke up in our respective hostel rooms, got up, grabbed some Slubgay for breakfast, loaded up the gear and hit the road to Fernie, with the same rosters in each vehicle (missing from ours were Neil Nimish Spee and Max). I gave those guys the DVD(A) player because IM NOT SELFISH. Fuck. It was a fun ride, not too long, long enough for Tayo to get his white ass deodorant arm pits on Carl when he threw his hands in the air for a wicked dance, that's all I remember right now. By the way, right now? I'm loaded. Went to a very classy wine party with Tayo, Neddy, C.J., Gaber, Nimish Neil and Me, and it's always good times when the guys are around. ANYhoo, we get to Fernie. It's weird, every time we play in Fernie, we move further down the main strip, we started out at the end and now we are some where close to the middle. Soon we'll over shoot and hit up the Overwaitea for a charity gig for Crippling Bonitis, or C.B. Fernie always treats us nice, in the way a high rolling judge takes good care of his whore while he make do. * Ok, so I just wrote that bit at the beginning that warns people with good taste note to read this. So the rest of you are still with me huh? Hahahah I'm talkin to a bunch of people that aren't there! What if I never put this out there? Would this part be just as valid is if I were to put this on the FAF website to read by tens of ones of people? I'm FUCKIN loaded! Anyways, we went next door to the place we were playin for some ginger beef. We also ordered some food. The food was alright, except it took an hour, was luke-cold and had the proportions of a midget ballerina. We went to the hotel to get all jazzed up, hahaha Tayo had some hair gel on his finger and he licked it without knowing that he licked the hair gel hahhaha. I'm reedfarded. We get back to next door, do a sound check that, as Tayo points out, gets the crowd a little more in our favor, which is never a bad thing. The Northern has a wicked upstairs room for doin all sorts of drinking and smoking and private things, we were there a lot over the course of the show, intermissions and afterwards. So the show is a heat ball, Carl and I continue to heat up Gabe's revenge, monster solos from all parties, it's New Year's Heat. At the first set break these two old biddies were all "you can't stop now! No! You can't stop!" but was all, "bitch be cool!" which meant we were gonna go back on for a countdown RIGHT off the bat, then the horners did a beautiful rendition of Auld Lang Syne, which tugged at the old heart stringys. Naturally, this lead nicely into Pube & Ball Hairs, a good way to really kick off a New Year and a New Set. Nappy New Set! It strikes me, this is the way to ring in the new, with the boys, doing what we do. This has to become an annual thing. We were poochin drinks, we got some champagne on stage, a little of the bubbly, then we rocked a super long set cuz that's just the way we do, then came the party. We had shots upon shots given to us, along with complementary beer at the bar, which some of us took to with a mountaineering gusto. This guy Aaron from the Media Club was there, he's cool, got us more shots, ballin! We hung out at the bar, goin up and downstairs (although I personally never checked out the crazy old school basement) and then finally, everyone else had to leave. But you know what happens then? We get back on fuckin stage and start jamming. I don't know who started it, but dammit was it a good idea. We had a variety of us on a variety of instruments, as well as some guest appearances from the guy who what dun the service behind the bar, who was wicked on guitar, and then there was Laura, who we met last time me were in Fernie (on our summer tour) and she rocked some congas, even picked up a beat or two, and then there was this guy who Carl new or some shit, he got on the drum kit and wasn't half fuckin bad! We all alternated instruments, Ned was guitar, Ollie was on timbo's, I blasted in the trombone all fuckin night long, Nay Nay got on guitar, Ned got on timbo's, I got on fuckin drums! I hit all them shits, and I really suck too! But it was late, and people weren't in the mood to complain I suppose. We had Gabe on guitar too, and Ollie, and Neil on bass, and Tayo on the cymbals while CJ drummed, and Nay Nay and Spee on horns, and Nimbo was there for a bit too, (although he denies it the next morning in a fit of anger), so jammin until 6:30 in the morning is a good way for us to rock in the New Year! Neil and Nay Nay headed back to the hotel room, cracked a bottle of wine (this is already 7:00-7:30 in the morning) and they rock out to samba and soul until 8:30, when its light out. Good thing Mr. Nay Nay isn't taking the first driving shift…

January 1st, 2007
New Year's Day
So we sleep at the hotel above the bar until 1:30. We really should be going so we all get dressed, and Nimish, who's on a top bunk, is still in bed so we make him get up, and when he's gonna come down he tells us all to get out of his way, so fuck if we don't all crowd around to watch the lithe spectacle that IS Nimish, and guy jumps down and totally collapses to hug the carpet knees first. Shit is PRICELESS! Also, a little known fact, Speeny's hair is super curly in the morning! Looks all cool and shit. Max Spee and Neil go right away to get food at the only restaurant open in town, while the REST of us pack up the gear, SO WHEN WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT, its already closing. So we head out of town, grab some Diarrhea Queen, which none of us can finish. But we DO enjoy those hand burgers (Quote: Ned: "A man can only eat so many hand burgers in one trip"). OOO! Also, Tazer joins me on the dilly train, them shits is bomb, he's feeling the iced cream all the way to the bank. My New Year's resolution for the day is not to smoke any weed, CUZ WE DON'T WE HAVE ANY! Shitty beans. Now begins what is to be a 16 and a half hour road trip for us. FUN! We easily watched an entire movie (grandma's boy, which is fuckin funny "SHIT! THIS FEELS SO GOOD!!!"), a few episodes of the Simpson's, and we started BeerFest but the battery died. At one point, we stop for gas and Tazer grabs a popsicle, and he sees this lady in a t-shirt (it's snowing) so he says
Tayo: aren't you cold?
Lady: no
Tayo: Yeah, I'm not either…I got a popsicle!

Other quotes from the road:
Ned: "If you eat a toblerone, you will never get a chocolate triangle"
Ollie: "It's 2:30. What time is it?"

We had some wine in the back seat too, to help our games of big two go by faster…and on the final leg of the trip, it was just me and Gabe talkin, Mr. Nay Nay at the helm, and the other guys were sleeping. I realized then that I hadn't gotten a reed from Spee like I wanted, and I told Gabe about how on the Thursday  before, I wanted to play sax in my house cuz no one was home. I said that as soon as everyone is out of the house I do my little 20 minute wank, but this time, after I had my reed ready to go, I put it on and all I got were squeaks and squonks. Shitluck. I was saying how when people leave the house there are two kinds if wanking. I was also saying that I'm just as embarrassed if I'm caught wanking on the sax. Then Gabe asked me which was louder…so I immediately thought of Grandma's Boy and started yelling "FUCK! THIS FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!" FUCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!" but in a really funny way, because it would be funny to hear that…self love haHA! Anyways, at some point this became January 2nd 2007, so fuck off, that s our New Year's. OH! And if you like this kind of bullshit, let us know and I'll do it some more…do it.

This is a recounting of the Five Alarm Funk and their zany adventures on the road for New Year's eve 2007. It's being recounted by me, so not everyone is in every part, mostly because I hate most of them, but actually, it's really because there were 2 vans and I was only in one of them. So there ya go, some funny happening's are not recounted because I WASN'T FUCKIN THERE. Get over it.

Friday December 29th 2006
I show up at the jam space at 12:15, just in time to miss all of the loading, and I find out Eli isn't coming on the trip because 10 hours and more in a van wouldn't be good for his neck. True enough, but we ARE down a man for the show. Ah well, I'LL take his solos….OH, a note, if you don't know why Eli's neck is sore, there was a Five Alarm Crash 2 weeks prior, and two of our vehicles were totaled. Luckily everyone was able to walk away, but that is a tale for another time (it would also help it that particular tale was told by someone who was actually there, I was already back home). Anyhoo, the ride up the Nelson takes 10 and a half hours, and by the time we put our shit away in the hostel its time to eat. Carl has already run tot he liquor store to procure a large bottle of the Rossi shit. Spee, Mr. Nay Nay, Nimish and Max (the horn section actually) take off to spend the night at Spee's uncle's place (which I hear was wicked; beers when they got there, a bedroom each, freakin pancake breakfast). Findley's is the only place open with a kitchen, so we go there and order up some gourmet calamari sandwichs and smoked brie mango sammiches, some big buck hunter, good times. After that we went back tot the hostel, drank some vino, played a po tourny (won by yours truly), watched the house of 1000 corpses for a bit, played Dr. Mario on the cornputer and then passed the fuck out while watching "Homer goes to College" on the old portable DVD player.

Saturday December 30th, 2006
New Year's Eve's Eve. The night of nights before nights before days….big one. It's really nice to be in town without having played a show the night previous, and to have to get up to a room full of unpacked, un-reloaded gear, oh man, what I'm saying is, it was nice to sleep in. Ned and C. C. took the biggest advantage of THAT shit. So the rest of us got up, we hit up the Red Fist for some afternoon breakfast, good shit, then Spee rolled into town to drop of the gear so he and Nay Nay could go boarding for the day, hitting up black diamond and shit. Side note, the horker Gabe horked yesterday has thawed, moved down the window a bit, and now has refrozen. Unfortunately the weed store in Nelson was closed down this summer, which is a bummer cuz they had good weed there. So instead of that, the day is spent checkin out the music store, wandering around, looking cool, smokin a few bo's, I almost bought a sword, you know, for New Year's, but I didn't have enough casheesh. We've all got our booze, and me and Nimbo decide to crack it, but then it turns out its only 5 in the afternoon (mountains with they're stupid early nights), also, Nimish has used a corkscrew on our twist off bottle of wine (yes, I know what you're thinking…classy). The next few hours involve watchin a Canadian dude win on UFC, the ugliest game of pool I've ever played, and a tardy sound guy. We sound check in front of the origins of a crowd, which is never very professional, which we are, in spades, anyways, we went back to the hotel to get inspired…you know, drink wine and smoke hoolie boppers. The Show: Mock New Year's party, Nelson style (what ever the fuck THAT means). The show was a ball of heat. First set was so different. It was killer. Best Gabe's revenge Carl and I have ever done, Hot Funk in the middle of a set, the first set none-the-less, two games of big two, with C. C. being a douche in both of them (he won) and a KILLER Speeny Nay Nay trade of in March to end the first set. Me and Ned Got in on some enthusiastic merch selling at the break, the double Hercules and shit, the "vogue" CD face cover face changer, the "yeah, that's right, keep walking", it was ALL good…but not good for sales. After a wicked second set (with a fierce Senor Fiesta cap) we all regrouped at the hostel, grabbed our supplies, and then headed to a party, which happened to be on the side of a fuckin mountain. We walked up the mountain for a while, Mr. Nay Nay stumbled into a snow bank and Tayo finished the job and tackled him,  Mr. Nay Nay revenged with a big ass brick of snow. Anyway, our local tour guides, eventually we ask em where the fuck we're goin, and guess what, they have no idea. So we call, it turns out we've been walking up the mountain for no fuckin reason, head back down, slide down rather, its pretty steep and wicked, then show up at this gourmet house after party, with the nicest bafroom I've ever seen, except that the terlet is RIGHT next tot he door, so if you ferget to lock it, hoo hoo, well, I won't name names, but someone walked into and someone else was walked into on, so goes to show, get a fuckin padlock. There are Caesars being made of all guests, they have one of those cool electric ball lighting things, and there was a dude who was dressed like a pyong. HAHAHA oh yeah, Nimbo got mad sick and threw down up in the bafroom 4 times. What a guy….he didn't seem that drunk either. He got pretty fucked up after the shows this time, good for him! Good thing he didn't get a savage 10 hand atomic wedgie this time though…When we leave, we come to this big ass steep fuckin snow covered hill. Big hill. Gabe has the idea to run down it, fuck, I wish I woulda seen the logic, but surprisingly, only Ned was smart enough to join him on that shit. At the time, I really thought it was incredibly steep. In retrospect, I might have been mistaken. They BOOKED it down that shit. It was fun to watch, Gabe yelled like a loony the whole time and Ned face planted right at the end. So that cut off a little while on they're transit home, so that gave Ned time to….take off his pants? Put them in the dryer he says, I've heard it a thousand times….so Ned is pantless for the rest of the night, but let me tell you, the night didn't end there, hahahah no we smoked doobs, played some deuce, and had a Primus party with a hippie that couldn't take 11. We called it around 7 or something, Ned and C.C. were up for a little while longer. Stay tuned for part 2: Fernie for New Years!