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Comedian T. Medina Wanted in Tri-State Killing Spree

Massachusetts (AP) It has been reported earlier today that upon a routine trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles, that Comedian/Writer T. Medina apparently snapped and proceeded to the nearest gun store where he purchased and AR-15 Tactical Assault Rifle with the optional M209 Grenade Launcher Attachment. Mr. Medina, apparently dissatisfied with the level of "customer service" at the DMV then drove his car with the "STILL FUCKING EXPIRED TAGS" to the nearest Hummer dealership where he, at gunpoint, stole an armored Hummer Brand H2. One eyewitness quoted Mr. Medina: "What in the FUCK is wrong with you people? How do you function in your lives? Do you tell your family to take a fucking ticket and make them wait for 2 hours for dinner to be served? Do you tell your husbands "oh no NEXT COUNTER" please when he's got his face between your legs?" Another witness heard the following: "Why are all of you so unbelievably FAT? I mean for Christ sake those chairs are so buried in your asses, if one of you sneezes it's going to fly across the room and kill someone!! You should seriously make hard hats a requirement in here." Another man at the scene was accosted directly by Mr. Medina: "He came up to me and screamed "How many manila folders with useless papers do you fucking need?" and then ran out screaming", stated Mr. Joe Rednceck Shithead of Wellesly Hills,Massachusetts.Mrs. Ima Douchebag was also confronted by the angry Mr. Medina. "I got a phone call and my ringtone is from that really new and hip Gwen Stefani song, you know when my phone rings it just starts playing B-A-N-A-N-A-S over and over. He told me to "shut that fucking thing off in a public building because it D-R-O-V-E him F-U-C-K-I-N N-U-T-S. I hope they catch him and kill him, he really is an asshole."

Mr. Medina was last seen running naked down Rt 126 screaming "George Bush Hates Hispanic People!!" We have also confirmed that at this point, Mr. Medina has killed all republicans, a Hari Krishna, 14 people that were protesting a military funeral, all of the Desperate Housewives, John Basedow,A bunch of wack M.C's, and a puppy. Witnesses say Mr. Medina did swerve to avoid the puppy, friends say: "Oh he loves dogs".

This just in: Mr. Medina has apparently dropped his pants and taken a crap on the steps of the U.S. Capital. Another witness just confirmed that Mr. Medina HAS indeed urinated on the Washington Monument and immediately climbed the Lincoln Memorial and proceeded to give Mr. Lincoln what is believed to be a "hand job", all the while yelling: "I'm Moving To Canada!!!"

We will bring you more on this breaking news as it develops. We now return you to "George Bush's Whacky World of Magic and Fantasy" already in progress.

"I VENT THEREFORE I AM"

Lincoln coined a political truism when he said, You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time. With the rise of the science of poll-taking, we now know with some degree of accuracy that the percentage of people you can fool all the time seems to hover around 30. Which is, not incidentally, the presidents current approval rating.

The older I get, and the more election cycles I live through, the more astounded I am that the same tired rhetoric and the same sleazy diversions seem to serve well enough when politicians are in a pinch. What happens to Americans in an election year? Suddenly, issues like a dirty war waged on false premises in bad faith with a break-the-bank price tag of nearly $300 billion so far, in which an estimated 40,000 Iraqis and nearly 2,500 Americans have died with many thousands more maimed for life, which continues to fan the flames of radical Islam isnt nearly as vital as the monster threat posed to America by ... gay marriage?

With his approval numbers in the toilet, where they belong and in whats shaping up to be a tight election season precisely because the administration and its tools in Congress are running the government into the ground the president is seeking to aid his beleaguered party by once again ramping up the rhetoric on same-sex unions.

The last time the GOP grandstanded on gay marriage was (surprise, surprise) an election year, too. They may claim theyre not doing it to appeal to their bases baser instincts, but new White House spokesman Tony Snow recently admitted his boss felt the issue was politically ripe. But playing politics with good and decent peoples lives is just plain wrong.

The truth is, both parties could get behind same-sex unions without compromising their core values in the least. Democrats should embrace it unapologetically, as they should the basic dignity, civil liberties and equal rights of all citizens. The very idea that visiting a dying partner in the hospital is a so-called special right is vile on its face, and it should not take extraordinary courage to say so plainly.

Access to family health care, immigration rights for same-sex partners, and benefits from a partners will are all no-brainers. But social conservatives in the GOP can also embrace same-sex unions as the final triumph of their much vaunted family values campaign. Gay and lesbian parents are among the best, most loving and most active in their childrens lives. And their kids are healthy and happy.

Will Americans continue to be fooled by the knaves in Washington every election cycle? We should reject out of hand any attempt by our representatives in the government to turn us against each other, a strategy this administration has employed from the beginning, even through the horror of 9/11. Know this: a politician scapegoating any group clearly hasnt got a platform to stand on

So the government is collecting your phone numbers, listening to your conversations and making fun of your accent. But is this really enough to defeat terrorism? Our enemies are always looking for new ways to outwit us.

I wouldnt be surprised if, in an attempt to evade federal surveillance, terrorists stop using electronic communication altogether. That sounds crazy, but this years Hollywood blockbusters provide several ingenious ways to communicate without telephones, all within the grasp of terrorists.

The biggest movie of the year may also be the most dangerous. The Da Vinci Code, starring usually patriotic Tom Hanks and suspiciously French Audrey Tautou, is like a how-to guide for evildoers. If you want to hide your plans, it says, simply hire the great masters of painting to encode hidden messages in their famous works. By the time the government even realizes El Greco is working for the terrorists, its already several centuries too late.

The only answer is for Washington to confiscate all paintings at once, along with sculptures, collages, mobiles, video installations and notable architecture. What kind of Islamofascist secrets are hidden in the Leaning Tower of Pisa? We must find out.

Creative expression isnt the only threat to America. So is the human mind. As X-Men: The Last Stand shows us, even a court order wont let you wiretap a telepath. Plus, if enemy combatants use telepathy, theyll also be able to learn national vulnerabilities by secretly reading our thoughts. Only the government should be able to do that. This is why everyone must register their brains with the NSA, so that the government can monitor for all possibly dangerous thoughts. Yes, well lose some privacy, but if its going to keep me safe, I dont care if the government knows my elaborate sexual fantasies about the girls at the office.

And then theres the insidious Over the Hedge, about a group of cute talking animals. Talking animals that form a web of covert communications spreading throughout the nation. How many squirrels do you see each day? How many can we trust? The possibility of talking animals is a noose around Americas neck. I advise a pre-emptive strike, wiping out all animals, even fish, before they start talking. Not only will this protect us, but it will also force all citizens to switch to healthy vegetarian diets, thus solving the obesity problem. A win-win situation.

Confiscating all art, registering all thoughts, killing all animals. I know what youre thinking. Its still not enough. Well, we can never be fully safe. The best we can do is cut off terrorist communications wherever possible and stop producing movies.

After all, any film can give a terrorist an idea. The upcoming summer hits alone give away that were vulnerable to attacks by Caribbean pirates, monster houses, or cars. We can only hope the government is prepared. We all remember the 80s, when the Soviets struck at us using cute aliens, time travel and breakfast clubs. I shudder to think that may happen again.

Some Things Are Better Left Unspoken

I wonder if mutes ever use this phrase. If they don't, they should. It could even be their slogan. In fact, if I was making a commercial for mutes, this is definitely the slogan I would use. Although, does it imply that mutes are things? I hope not. That would be offensive. Because they aren't, except in the most general sense. As far as I'm concerned, mutes are practically people.

But if the slogan were, "Some people are better left unspoken," that wouldn't make any sense. It's a good thing I'm not making commercials for mutes.

Besides, I don't even know any mutes, so I wouldn't presume to speak for them. But then again, they cannot speak for themselves, so maybe I should. Here's what I would like to say on behalf of all mutes: WE LIKE YOGURT!!!

That was stupid. I shouldn't generalize about mutes like that. How do I know if they like yogurt or not? Most likely, some do and some don't. But I don't know. Maybe there's something about being a mute that prevents them from liking yogurt all together.

I'm such an asshole.

Who am I kidding? I don't know anything about mutes. But I do know one thing. If any mutes are reading this right now, they are not reading it out loud.

I told myself I was gonna lay off the politics for a while-- I ran a heavily political  blog the other day, and I was starting to depress myself. (Which, FYI, isn't the most difficult thing in the world to do these days.) I was giving voice to the Inner Red Diaper Baby who perches on my shoulder *just so* but, at the same time, bumming myself out over just how far away the ideal has moved, politically and otherwise, from the day-to-day world of twenty-first-century America. So I was gonna lay off for a while....Honest I was.

Then Dubya has to go and give a talk on immuh-grayshun reform Monday night, and you know I'm not letting that one go. Not by a damn sight. I have thus far despised everything that man has said, up to and including his recitation of Itsy Bitsy Spider, so I'm not about to let his havoc-wreaking in my neck of the woods-- stretch of the desert?-- go unremarked-upon.

So he appeared in the Oval Office (increasingly looking as though it was decorated by Rick James or one of Prince's more incompetent designers), wearing those oh-so-slappable crinkled eyebrows and fey smile that seem (at first glance) to convey some cheap sort of sincerity, but which, in fact, connote a true want of feeling, a leave-a-message-at-the-beep-hummmm countenance one usually sees carved on the faces of medieval popes in the better museums. So the Chief Executive Upper Class Twit of the Year....

....comes out to address the nation, and offers these artist-formerly-known-as-compassionate-conservative remarks:

We must begin by recognizing the problems with our immigration system. For decades, the United States has not been in complete control of its borders. As a result, many who want to work in our economy have been able to sneak across our border -- and millions have stayed.

Jesus Christ, people coming to this country to work? Don't they know the American Dream is to go on Deal or No Deal and win $500,000 and not have to work ever again? What's wrong with these godless foreigners???

They are a part of American life -- but they are beyond the reach and protection of American law. We are a nation of laws, and we must enforce our laws.

Absolutely. And when Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby, Kyle Foggo, and the rest of Bush's law-snappin' Federal stooges are sanctioned to the complete extent of the law, then Dubya will have some credibility in talking about the sanctity of law in this country and at those levels of the administration. This was the part of the speech where I thought Bush's head was going to blow up like a Gremlin in a microwave.

The border should be open to trade and lawful immigration -- and shut to illegal immigrants, as well as criminals, drug dealers, and terrorists.

Terrorists? C'mon. The 9/11 hijackers entered the U.S. legally and left behind a comprehensive paper trail as they filled out forms at every step of the way. For a bunch of "wild-eyed martyrs" they were quite procedural-minded. Has Bush ever walked the Nogales Highway on the Arizona line? Has he ever gone through the mesquite and the cottonwoods and down the hundred-foot sinkholes that can open up when too many people stand still for too long in one spot? A terrorist wouldn't sneak fucking golf clubs into the U.S. by way of Mexico, much less weapons of mass destruction.

By the end of 2008, we will increase the number of Border Patrol officers by an additional 6,000. When these new agents are deployed, we will have more than doubled the size of the Border Patrol during my presidency....

One way to help during this transition is to use the National Guard. So in coordination with governors, up to 6,000 Guard members will be deployed to our southern border. The Border Patrol will remain in the lead. The Guard will assist the Border Patrol by operating surveillance systems, analyzing intelligence, installing fences and vehicle barriers, building patrol roads, and providing training....

Okay, this was the Execute Order 66 part of Bush's speech, as far as I'm concerned. We were told, in position papers handed out by Bushites well in advance of last night's speech, that the states would remain in charge of "their" Guard units on "their" borders, while the Feds would foot the bill. In Washington-think, of course, the opposite is true, and the golden rule-- whoever has the gold, makes the rules-- is the one that applies over and above all overs. When it comes down to it, if Governor Richardson (New Mexico) or Governor Napolitano (Arizona) decide to move these Guard members, or (worse yet) to pull them back, Bush will invoke some clause or another to give them a heretofore-underdefined Federal capacity. The Clone Troopers will then gun down the remaining Jedi, Michael Chertoff will announce that the Death Star has been completed, and the Republicans yet loyal to Darth Sidious will board that vessel while the Democrats left on Alderran are vaporized.

And I will ask Congress for additional funding and legal authority, so we can end "catch and release" at the southern border once and for all. When people know that they will be caught and sent home if they enter our country illegally, they will be less likely to try to sneak in.

I don't think it's even necessary to comment on how un-compassionate-conservative it is-- how essentially inhuman it is-- to use such glib terms as "catch and release" to discuss efforts to strangle immigration into the U.S., by the National Guard, B.P., or any other agency. Walk through a stretch of the Sonoran desert some time. Look at the half-empty milk bottles and baby shoes lost along the way, the personal documents and family photos, the cultural and memorial life-blood of whole families spilled out among the rocks and sagebrush. Then dare to call them terrorists, then say "catch and release."

Fifth, we must honor the great American tradition of the melting pot, which has made us one nation out of many peoples. The success of our country depends upon helping newcomers assimilate into our society, and embrace our common identity as Americans. Americans are bound together by our shared ideals, an appreciation of our history, respect for the flag we fly, and an ability to speak and write the English language. English is also the key to unlocking the opportunity of America. English allows newcomers to go from picking crops to opening a grocery, from cleaning offices to running offices, from a life of low-paying jobs to a diploma, a career, and a home of their own. When immigrants assimilate and advance in our society, they realize their dreams, they renew our spirit, and they add to the unity of America.

Why was this (atrociously written) paragraph in the speech, anyway? The Prez didn't propose any legislation in connection with this block of speech-making, so its presence is inexplicable even to longtime Bush-watchers like myself. It may have been little more than throwing out verbal gang-signs to the Lamar Alexanders of Washington, the (white, Southern) politicians who fret so very loudly over the "loss" of "American" traditions (Alexander, you may recall, offered a bill in the Senate that would require the National Anthem to be performed in English only), when they'd love nothing more than to party like it's 1849, with their house slaves providing the music.

The speech was, all in all, a lot of hand-wringing, and a fair amount of coy eyelash-batting at the lunatic fringe of the Republican Party, to whom Bush is extending every courtesy in this election year. The speech legitimized the most pronounced concerns of this small but well-mobilized sliver, and if he succeeds in getting half the immigration initiatives rammed through Congress before the next legislative break, no doubt the LaRouche types will be high-fiving each other and casting a hungry eye towards November.

The immigrants are coming across the border. The residents of the border counties have opinions. The Guard members will be sent to the border. But at no point has policy emanated from the borderlands themselves: the heat and noise and policy papers and angry speeches have come from the East, and from people who would be hard-pressed to tell you where Guadalupe Canyon is, or where the Mimbres Mountains run, or what happened in the El Paso Salt War in the 1870s, or Villa's raid on Columbus in 1917. These are the places, the events, that have given the borderlands their distinctive-- some would say peculiar-- tenor and resonance. The human factor in all of this cannot be seen, or guessed at, from the lofty heights of Georgetown or Bethesda. As long as the politicians regard everything happening here with the scientific dispassion of anthropologists, or the zeal of door-kickin' DEA gunslingers, the blood and the tears-- the reality-- will be lost on them all. I would say for you to fix the problem, you must understand it; and for you to understand it, completely, come into the borderlands. Then you will see with true eyes and know with true mind. The mountains have a long history of doing that to people-- breaking in half their cherished illusions but giving back something authentic in their place-- and such clarity would aid this or any of the ongoing debates on the future of the southwest.