I've walked out my front door maybe four times in this last week. I haven't been looking for a job or going to any shows. I'd been cursing myself for being an irresponsible bum, but then it occurred to me that being unemployed is only irresponsible if you can't pay your bills, so I just go back to sleep or start cleaning something. It feels so good to feel so free of the 9-to-5 that I worry it's sinful, haha.

By the way, never leaving your house saves a serious, serious, serious amount of money.

Last year when I was jobless it was by choice and I was hiding the fact that I was jobless, so it didn't feel all that great... and I kept saying to myself, "enjoy this as much as you can, because it'll never happen again." But it's happened again and it's leaving me hoping that I'm downsized every summer because this break is saving my soul. I hear all of these words and ideas in my head, a flowing of things that didn't exist a month ago. I don't feel trapped or like I'm choking. But I know eventually this sort of thing will simply not be able to happen without ruining my life and I'm so scared that when those days arrive I will literally lose it because I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to handle working year after year with no long vacations or switch-ups. (Maybe I'll get lucky enough that I won't have to worry about that, but I'm not counting on it. Music fully supporting someone doesn't happen often and I really don't think it'll ever happen for me for any considerable amount of time.)

This all said, it feels good to drop off the face of the planet. It feels like coming home, like the first days I was playing music and only working when I needed to save money for a concert. When I only cared about playing music, when I didn't care about any guys for the first time in ages... and while I didn't have any friends then, I didn't have anyone to hurt me, either. Music was my one true love and I felt full. I listened to a phone post I made to an old LiveJournal in August of 2004 and in it I cried from being so happy. I don't know how to get the entire feeling of that time back, I don't even know if it's something that is meant to be felt twice in a lifetime. Because I can tell you, it felt like I was being born. I had something to live for for the first time in my life. I had a purpose, I had a direction, and I was doing something that wasn't bad for myself, it was good for myself... things I'd never had or done before.

When I made that move, when I decided to start playing shows, that decision came with no forethought, no contemplation. There just suddenly came a day when something clicked and that was the thing to do and felt completely natural. I'm looking for that again, I'm trying to close my eyes and feel around for the next thing I need to just jump into. Some days I think I grab the answer, but I open my hand and find it empty. It feels like your lungs when you take a breath to say something, then feel your words leave your mind, the burning of that held air. I feel it on the tip of my tongue. The right puzzle piece in hand that just needs to be rotated to fit.

I know the meaning of "you can't love anyone until you love yourself." I feel that truth so strongly. I know I have to be a whole and find someone whole to have togetherness, to have what I want most of all -- unbreakable, indivisible love. And I know that I can't love myself until I hear these songs that I feel waiting for me, until they are given to me and it is shown to me how my voice and hands can borrow them from that other world so they can be in this one. They are the heat you feel when someone walks up behind you. They are that magnetic pressure when you hover a fingertip between your eyes. And I am scared of them, because I am scared of myself, because they are hard words to say, because I have no trust in myself. It is so much fear, it is so much self-doubt I can't even believe that I know how to take the first step to find and capture that music.

And the trickiest part to see is that, for me, there is no way around that. Thinking a lot can be as helpful as it is defeating, but it can't be a factor in working through all of this. Thinking isn't what makes us breathe and our hearts beat, it isn't what makes birds to fly or sing. Those things are instinctual, that is what makes them feel so right that you don't even notice how right they are. No forethought, you just do it.

So what does that mean for me now? If all of the plans I made and the thinking I'd done are erased by the unforeseen? When I tried to think up a million bridges to help me across but I suddenly decide a jump will help the other side find my feet? I don't know, I have only hopeful inklings.

My fight against myself to win myself is all about fear, the kind that paralyzes you, and relents only to allow you to search for all kinds of crutches so you're able to wander aimlessly, limping on this side of the gap. I have to give up those things that pad the sharp corners, that dull the ache, but in return dull me. I have to be brave and not look down so I can get to where I need to be. The old cliche has meaning for me -- I have to face the music. I try so hard to have faith that when I finally turn toward it, what faces me I can look in the eyes and finally love.

MySpaces of the cast, in order of appearance:

· Meghan Osborne -- http://www.myspace.com/meghan17
· Donovan King -- http://www.myspace.com/a_skywithnonames
· Carly Browne -- http://www.myspace.com/Carlaaay
· Josie Greenfield -- http://www.myspace.com/christinawantsmybody
· Sara Leverenz -- http://www.myspace.com/cootizzle
· Patrick Leverenz -- http://www.myspace.com/dirrty904
· Kara Barger -- http://www.myspace.com/karmarbar
· Charles Painter -- http://profile.myspace.com/2229641
· Jason Wells -- http://www.myspace.com/jmwofyork
· Jeremiah Dunlap -- http://www.myspace.com/jeremiahdunlap
· Maya Adkins -- http://profile.myspace.com/24766854

...and a <3 to Scott Cone and Lenna' Ezelle.

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you for your time and help!

The most amazing thing just happened.

I opened my desk drawer to get out a pen and saw a bunch of Pixy Stix I had left over from my birthday party. It's 4 AM, I mean, how tantalizing is a Pixy stick/stic(/stique) at this hour? (The answer is "very.") I picked out an orange one, I mean, what the hey, fake citrus fruit flavored powder, here I come.

So I grab one end and start shaking it like a sugar packet or somethin', to get the powder away from the end I was about to open, ya know... and I suppose what happened, is that the middle of the package bent back and forth as I was shaking it in such a way that it split in half mid-shake, sending pixy powder orangey stuffs all over my desk, PC tower, keyboard, mouse, lamp... everything.

You see, I told you it was AMAZING. For a second I had no clue what happened because one moment everything was clear and then the next moment sugar dust is settling everywhere. POOF! Glorious.

I should update this blog a bit more often, huh?

In alphabetical order, I present the people who made my 2005...

... The kickass members of the AC ST OMG and those who've flyered for me: Allison, Anna, Bernadette, Brandi, Brittany, Carly, Caryn, Chelsea, Chris B., Courtney, Donovan, Hunter, Janet, Jennifer B., Jeremy, Jessica, Kody, Kristin, Lally, Lauren, Lazzy, Marjorie, Meghan O., Michelle M., Russell M., Sara, tA, Whitney

... The amazing people whom flyered the Live & Electric tour: Alisha C., Ashley H., Ashley P., Bethany M, Erin J., Janet D., Jessica F., Matt T., Michelle L., Rachael D., Sheila C., Stephanie C.

... and those of you who came to shows, made me laugh, made me cry, gave me rides, gave me shows, gave me shirts, gave me music, gave me faith, gave me a friend: Alisha, Amber, Andrew-Aimee, Anita F., Ashley H., Barry, Bernadette, Blair Crimmins, Brandi, Brian C., Brooks, Bryce Avary, Chase Pagan, Chelsea, Chris B., Christina Wagner, Cory Knight, Courtney, Dan M., Donnie, Donovan, Dorman, Duke, Dustin, Eddie, Elias, Forrest, Hunter, Isaac, J. Thomas EFFING Amason III, Janet, Jason of York/Nexus, Jeff K., Jen of The Roxys, Jenette, Jeremiah, Jesse, Jessica, Joey W., John M., John O., Jon W., Josh M., Joshua O. at Music for Jerks, Kara, Karen, Kenneth, Kevin, Kody, Lally, Lauren, Laurie, Lazzy, Lisa T., Logan, Maggie, Mike at Cafe Nexus, Mikey at Thee Imperial, Mollie, Patrick, Paul "The Doorguy" Bond, Paul L., Rachel K., Rob at Cafe Nexus, Rob French: Soundguy Extraordinaire, Ronnie, S. "Bubba" C., Samantha-Ruselll, Sara, Scott F., Scott S., Shawn Lightfoot, Sheena, Shelby, Stacey, Stephanie G., T.J. Zindle, tA, Taylor, Terri, the folks on h.net, the kids at Cafe Nexus, the listeners at areyoulistening.com, those musicians who spent the night, Tim G., Tim Hall, Tim-Sandra, Virginia, Whitney, Yara, Zac

You are evvvvvvvvverything to me.

The song "July" is about the winter blues, only I didn't think of that when I wrote it. I was just sitting in my room at 3 AM in late January wishing for summer '04 to come back for a moment.

I was going over the Matthews Bridge into downtown not too long ago. The sun and sunset look different when Daylight Savings Time is ending and "Winter" is pushing its way through to our humid city. Just seeing that it was only 7 PM and the sun was well on its way to being set depressed me. The sunset was gorgeous: the skyline and its lights to my left, the huge blue-gray clouds puffed over the purple, pink, and yellow sky to my right. Still, it signaled long nights ahead and I knew soon the smell of wood fires burning or cold salty air would accost me as I stepped out of the car after getting home late from one of my shows.

It's not that I don't like the cold weather, I love it; it's not that I don't like the way that even midday seems to have the glow of mid-afternoon in the winter -- it makes things other-worldly and nice; it's not that I don't like the smell of wood burning, cold salt air or winter clothes, lack of frizz, Thanksgiving, Christmastime, New Years... It's just all of the shit that these things remind me of that make me hate them.

Today I'm off work -- a vacation day I thought I needed but ended up not. I walked out of my room just before noon and the windows were open, letting in the amazing fall air. The feeling of it, the smell of the rain mixed in; it reminded me so strongly of spring and I instantly became happy. I went back into my room to open my huge window and as I'm sitting here typing this, everything in me is thinking that it's March and longer days are coming so soon.

"The winter blues," when clinically diagnosed, is called "Seasonal Affective Disorder," or "SAD." (Fitting, right?) Well, I haven't been diagnosed and, from meeting people who have, I know that it's more than wintertime things buzzing across my senses triggering unhappy memories. So, now I'm ready to associate good things coming with the longer nights. I'm ready to see if I've got a clinical craving for sunlight or just need a renovation of my memories. I'm ready for the absence of the misery of family get-togethers at Thanksgiving, for the Merry Christmas, the Happy New Year. I'm ready to start getting rid of the past that makes me hate this time of year and move into the future, into How Things Will Be for me and MY life and MY family.

Right now, I will enjoy feeling the spring of '06 months before it happens. It's pretty rad. Most people only get one spring each year.

Unless you go an incredibly long, strange way, the way to get back to my house from the Wal-Mart requires you to make a U-turn. I mean, Wal-Mart couldn't have been more retarded in the way they set this shit up, but for as much as I hate it, today it worked in my favor.

We're thinking we'll make the light for the U-ie (how do you spell what I'm trying to say?), but we don't... it turns yellow with way enough time for us to stop, so my Mom, good driver that she is, stops. We come up on a blue Mustang in the other lane; it has lots of band stickers on the back bumper and I notice a Dashboard Confessional and Evergreen Terrace sticker. We stop beside the car and there's a girl in the drivers seat and her window is rolled down. Instantly my mind qualifies her: "Dashboard, she likes acoustic... Evergreen, she's not clueless about local music." I roll down my window.

"HEY! YOU WANT A FREE CD?"
"UMM, NO, NOT REALLY."
"OKAY."

So I roll up my window. ...But, she said it in such a nice way and probably thought I was trying to fuck with her. I mean, who fucking asks if you want a free CD at a stoplight? Fuckheads, that's who! So I figured I'd smile big, let her see that I am benign and I rolled down the window again. I think I said something like...

"YOU WON'T BE DISAPOINTED IF YOU LIKE DASHBOARD!"

... and so the expression on her face became one that I could tell she'd accept the CD. I was thinking, "Okay, I have to haul ass outta the car to get it to her," but I knew there was no time. Then, the light turned green!

I flung the CD out of my window, straight into her car in the only display of good aim I will ever show in my life, I'm sure.

"LISTEN TO IT! JUST ONE LISTEN!"
"I WILL! OKAY!"

And then we drove away. Dude, I so hope she reads this.

I used to think MySpace was the devil but then I saw the amount of people who listen to the music in these profiles so I said, "Fuck it!" and joined up.