once what was looking up
is looking toward the brighter light
the end of the tunnel staring down
me and the problems i face today
problems are only problems
and problems have solutions
whether youre given the answer
or you come up with it on your own
the most important part of the problem is understanding
understanding that there IS an answer
understanding not that you must come up with that answer
but to understand that the answer does exist.
and i believe that no matter how hard the problem
there will always be an answer
you have to fill in the unknowns
life isnt math but equations of feelings and emotion
faith and fear is what im told
because either will fuel the issues
whether youre fueling the problem or gassing the solution
faith or fear will most certainly prolong or solve your problem
ive been afraid for a long time
and that fear has been steadily stealing time and assets from me
but my faith is redeeming what was lost
i can never get that time back
but i know that experinces that ive learned most certainly made up for it
before i had problems now i have answers.
and the strength to climb back into the hot seat

im neither lost nor found
i understand my place with clear intention
i know
i see
i view my prosperity as the love i have for not only my self and from my God
but as picture i have for the future
because i have wants
not needs
not seeds for growing  means
or keys for unlocking things
but wants
wants and attractions
see im attracted to those things
things that are beautiful
have curves and drive me wild
but i want to drive it wild
wants for a place to lay my head
in comfort and accomplishment
i want rooms and lots of them
i want to see the ends of this planet
because ill only live once
once for myself and forever through my children
but this time is mine.
all mine
always shared
and its always better to share then to spend that time alone.
because see im neither lost nor found
neither where i want to be or satisfied with where ive been
but im happy with the road
comfortable with the trip
and im looking forward to where im going
goodnight.

i need to sooooo bad.
i need the light
i need a breath
i need.....
i need ....
i need .....
i need ....
i
I do not need.
I only should recognize
recognize and realign
realign myself in the areas of my life that have shifted out of place
out of place but not fallen
not fallen apart
not unfixable
not regretable.
i do not need
i want
I WANT
I WANT to be a better man
I want to give everything i am
I want to see tomorrow for the work that i do today
I want to love and laugh and feel special again
I WANT
i have many wants
many things in life that i dont have and wish to be in my possession.
many wants and only one need.
so yes i do need
that 1 need
that solitary craving
that singular thing
I need
I need.
I need to feel christ again
I need that love
I need that clarity
I need that vision
I need it more than life
i need it more than money
i need it more than you will ever know


I made a statement to a person sometime ago about that i wish that i could know what it is like to first experiece Christ from not having the background. from not growing up and having him next to me my whole life. I said that i felt a little jealous of not being as heartfelt about him as a newly saved individual. ive been saved since i was 12 hardly a time when a person knows what its like to need  forgiveness, love, clarity and vision for your life. in essence he's been old money to me. just there nothing special. and as i continue this road moving me further and further from him i now realize what its like on the other side. fortunately i was given my wish without losing or completely being left from his graces, but i was given enough rope to know i shouldnt be standing outside the umbrella in a pour down.

ive gotten a bit cocky. ive contemplated others actions and words with an arrogant self appreciating eye. " why would you say that", "if you only knew" "do you actually believe that" and i realize that, this manner of thinking is outside of the level im supposed to opperate on. how DARE i judge somebody elses faith. how dare i believe that christ to me is the same christ to you.
i appologize deeply because you dont know who you are and i honestly dont know who you are either but i feel the need to begin to say im sorry. im so sorry for the things that ive done and the actions ive allowed. im sorry for allowing my morals to slide and my decisions to be swayed when i KNOW they are wrong. ive allowed more than i ever thought possible. and now i say enough

the road WE have been going down isnt bring us up together
its not bringing us up at all.
we need to stop fighting
we need to end this pettiness
i shouldnt feel angry towards you
i shouldnt be hesitant towards talking to you
we should start over
i feel like for the last 6 months ive been holding my breath
we need to exhale.

along with this weekends music update, me looking back, i spent the majority of this week without the misses....i didnt like it :( yeah for the most part the week sucked and reality is kinda smacking me. im coming to the end of my personal rope but i see the light at the end of the tunnel so i will get my breathing room again. certain things are taking so much longer than i had planned. im not worried im just a little tired of all this uncertainty, so my reflection and advice for the week is if you commit to a project, person or situation FOLLOW THROUGH dont stop or stay down after a stumble. im pretty clumsy so i stumble alot physically and metaphorically, and when you are depending on other people to fulfill their obligations it just wears you down a bit and the stumbles hurt just that little bit more. its a good pain though, im learning as well as moving forward. im getting my definite answers on how to deal with situations in the future plus im learning to lean on others instead of taking the bull by the horn myself for everything. that kind of head strong thinking will hurt me in the long run. SO as i complete this reflection i want to say -- thanks for those of you who listen. its all therapeutic ha ha at least for me.


10. Hella Good -No Doubt ---- everybody and there mother has heard this song its almostas played as violent fems- blister in the sun. you hear it everywhere but you've prolly never known the name anyway -- this song is so so so how i feel - because ive had a goofy empty week and this is how it feels to get over it.  10 had a tie this week because there both no doubt i just couldnt figure which one i wanted to be in the ranking-  End on it this. - i love the song it just rocks i dont relate to the lyrics as you'll see in number 1 :)

9. Teach you a lesson - Robin Thicke--- mmmm blue eyed soul singers lol i think they're just black guys with really light skin lol ok the song  brings the sexy back for real. were not going to get deep into sexuality but the premise of the song is a teacher student roleplay with the word play being pretty kinky that and the music-----> its really really sultry- kind of song you could do just as well falling asleep to

8. Girlfriend - Robbie Rivera -- definitely a club lounge song -- its really dope. that and its starts off and i confuse the beat with fuck the pain away by peaches - another dope song but on another list lol. anyway i like the vocals the music isnt A quality but its a groove to me

7. Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation. Not my favorite thievery song but its off the album the cosmic game -- A MUST HAVE when you just want to be come home relax and float away. thievery stole my stress and i dont want it back :)

6. Nature of the Expirement - Tokyo Police Club - i heard of them like 2 years ago but myspace is putting them on the map-- they're badd (yes two d's ) ass nuff said.

5. Remind Me - Royksopp- lol thank you geico hahah im so glad i found this in my library -- "And everywhere i go, theres always something to remind me, of another place and time..." yeah you know what im talking about lol --- im a fan of commercial music and im sure you are too :)--- remember that jimmy fallon pepsi commercial where he throws the girl in the air.....yeah i got that song too and it rocks :)

4. How Does it feel?- Pharrell- FIRE!!!!!!!! wow this song is bad. this beat is ridiculous best lyric now the enzo doors go up like a d.lo ..reon. :) mmmmm i miss deloreons ... anyway its hot --- album opener

3. Build God then well talk - Panic! at the disco- i stopped listening to this cd -- i think i played it the hell out --- letty hates them now, between panic and fall out ill never be able to listen to alternative music again lol i like this song especially the sound of music remix inside of it.

2. XO- Fall out Boy, i always find my one favorite on a fall out cd.... well this is my fav from under the cork tree. :) this song will get you pumped its as catchy as dance dance with 10x the energy



!!!!!*****NUMBER 1*****!!!!
Marry ME - No doubt. its such a sweet hopeful song with a jamican flare its awesome and its where i am in my life right now :)

this weeks lovable reject-
These Things - She Wants Revenge. they want to be the killers they want to be cool they want to be new age they want to be alot of things, they however are none of those things but this song gets the thumbs up for this simple lyric of "she pleasures herself" makes the record worth it if you ask me. its decent not the worst 

i dont know why im writing this i guess i just wanted to say hey to all my peoples and say thanks for being the great friends that you all are even if i havent talked to you in forever im sure we'd almost be on the same page we left off on if we were to kick it today but anyway......


my reflection (and dont take me seriously this is just a pure in the moment thought) :


Im in love with music. i cant describe the feelings i have err.. get when i hear songs that really touch me to the core. sometimes its has nothing to do with lyrics sometimes its the lyrics and not the melodies, anyway i wanted to share some of the tunes ive been jamming too for the last couple days and to my good good friends some of whom will detest and take offence to, please switch up your playlists --- life is too short to listen to 1 genre, have a great night GOD BLESS

#1 this weekend
Imogen Heap- hide and seek - there is no music its is completely vocoder and SPINE tingling - i promise i have to stop whatever im doing and just listen. some how it makes me sad and takes me to a place where i miss my mother. i cried a bit the first time i listened to it .(dont tell anyone) i didnt understand why untill i read the lyrics. the song is beautiful trust me and eerie all at the same time.

2. Sia - Breathe Me- i dont have much to relate to the lyrics, im not generally the person who needs holding up or finding or help through issues -- i just love the piano and the melody. something about the slow girl singers this week lol. be my friend :)

3. Beetles - i am the walrus - (ok lets speed it up) kookoocachoo lol omg i love this track -- the beetles are dope.

4. Muse - Startlight --- DOPE TRACK for the alternative rock lovers sounds like a summer top down cruise on the highway type of song i love it.

5. Kanye- throw some d's on it remix-
Get You A Cute Chick, Face Got Potential
Workin Wit A Lil Hips, Waist Like A Pencil
Nah A Nigga Play You, But You Know How 'ye Do
Say She Love Beyonce, Let Me "Upgrade You"

speaks for it self -- hilarious.


6. peter bjorn - young folks --- summer tune dont know when it was made but the whistle in the middle of the track took me back to kill bill and the bongos make this track a burner love it......im soooooo white ( i should be ashamed  for this one lol)

7. ciara - like a boy ---- ARGH violins and strings get me in EVERY SONG i could live on songs with just strings if i had to lol --- very good follow up to promises --- not as career defining as promises but very worth the solid 4 minutes of my life.

8. jim jones - we fly high, ballin (remix) ------ this im really ashamed of- BALLIN!!!!!!! lol love it and hey its got T.I. in it so this version is the one to get.

9. frou frou - shhh - it has imogen whom im very partial to this week .....month ......year....yeah ;) just a groovy track.

10. Samantha James (yes james not jones lol who ever got that keep it to your self lol)- RISE -- specifically the eric kupper mix but the original is good too --- its an up-lifting very danceable lounge groove.
some reason i have a taste for vodka lol  


extra track for the week-
Bloc party - positve tension --- hey something glorious is about to happen :) so run run run , run run run :) lol track highlight at 3:19 omg ooooooooooooooooooo i need to learn the guitar for real for real


extra throw back track ------ blue oyster cult - im burning for you -- i had this track on my myspace for a while you should be acquianted by now :)

my best friend is a girl
a girl who laughs and smiles
a girl who's smile melts my soul
so warm and gentle
sweet and unfailing.
that smile is my reason
my reason to find ways to keep her smiling
her smile is like seeing God
and just like when you find him you never want to leave its presence
her smile
I love her smile.
the way her eyes light up like a kid on christmas
it gives me life.
one day she'll be my wife
and one day we will be a family
we will create happy times and happy memories filled with her wonderful smile
shes the reason im a lame and a sap
why im so goofy and its ok
you'd never know it but shes the same way
smiling and laughing
being a goofball right along with me
she is that person I want to spend my summers with
endless days of doing absolutly nothing and being satisfied with just that
smiling and laughing
my best friend is a girl
my best friend has a smile
my best friend will be my wife
my wife will laugh at me
and my wife will be my reason
because my wife will give me my smile.

see all together ive got thoughts
thoughts of the present
thoughts of the future
and thoughts of the past
but not in the way that you may think
see i have thoughts past the present towards what presents the future has
still i think on how my past will influence my future which is now present .... and now - past
the present is only present during the moments of reflection.
but if reflection is looking back then the past is all the present is looking at
that is if your talking about present situations
and present situations can change in a hearbeat
i wish i could predict the future.
not to know whats coming but to prepare myself for the futures present situations.
situation....... preperation
situations and preperations
youre lucky just to make it to future, present, situations
and the saying goes that luck favors the prepared
luck has to be the future
lucky if you prepare
so preparation brings you a future
a future that i can predict.
if i can prepare for what i want then the futures in my favor
that is if i prepare for my future than im preparing to get lucky
and you only need to get lucky once i heard
hmph..... now wouldnt that be a present. :)

ok im a little late. we are almost half way through january and i didnt post my goals for this year. i did say what i "wanted" in the last blog but those arent really goals.

GOAL:
1.the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.

With this as a starting point of reflection and understanding. Im going to start this year off without the meaning less actions that delay progress. therefore my goals this year will seem hard and difficult for some but you have to understand that no end result is out of reach or difficult when you make goals progressive.


and with that my goals will be divided by month and quarter not year as a whole.

first quarter
finalize capital requirements for our corporation. jan/feb<------- capitalization requirements to be finished at the end of this week feb 4
acquire 1 asset with a cashflow of $200 monthly. mar <-----update ---- outlook on prospective cash flow tremendously underanticipated goal still for march but with a minimum of 1250 positve cashflow.
begin litigation on my fathers notes and rental property. -this begins in january <----update litagation started
 goals moving right along :) im so happy (2/2/06)

i believe 1 goal per month is sufficient. by the time april rolls around i should be able to make the move.

second quarter
move out from home /apr
increase marketing and promotion campaign for our company./may
put team together to produce our 1st annual car and fashion show. /june

third quarter
buy 2nd asset with an additional cash flow of $2500 monthly increasing asset- portfolio to $3700 per month  in passive income. /july
host summer bar-b-que at home./august
hire a cpa- review tax records for this year./ september

fourth quarter
eliminate 25% of my debt. /oct
file for this years tax return./nov
create real estate corporation to shelter rental income. /dec.<------- update real estate corporation finalized assets total 2 properties with a net value(deeds stil in transition) of 1.2 million. no debt but no positive cash flow yet. rolling 1 property into another rental property to acquire cashflow around 3-5k im ahead of schedule


its amazing how short this year already feels by getting me on a schedule and having a vision of where we should be in a timely manner. send me your prayers wish us luck and lets have a good year.

i also have a feeling that an engagement is in this schedule many of you will be very surprised just where it comes in heheheheheh wink wink<-------update im engaged as you all prolly know :-D YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BABY- now i just need to up the cashflow to pay for the wedding lol




<----update ) remember that all investment vehicles should have a purpose and you should know what each vehicle is capable of before attaching that purpose.

financial statements are golden if you can read them you have a bright future ahead of you
my personal income statement and balance sheet were honestly a mess --- ive had my sights on the wrong goals for the last 2-3 years or so and ive gotten deeply into debt for no good reason other than to gratify the wants i had at the time.
though ive organized my financial statements and have a clear understanding in how to turn them completely around in the next 2 years. those are 2 years that i set myself back. these goals are look into my thoughts. it feels good to get both your thoughts and your life in order and to know the path that i know i should be on. no other time in my life has my relationship with God been more relevant, things that you learn when youre a child are almost meaningless untill you start living. and my faith and financial education are allowing me to view the world in totally different way then what i hear from other people, im so excited about the next few years. while the market is sure to crash sometime in 3 that also means that there will be a huge transferance in wealth and amazingly things are coming together to allow me and my family to capitalize off it.  ill keep you updated - later guys

ive just taken a tally of the things in my life and i came to a bright shiny new conclusion. without even noticing it, ive manage to complete about 80% of my goals for this year and some for next year rightly ahead of schedule. thats pretty damn good. should i say so myself.

im starting to see that im on the path that i need to be to get to that happy place where all you really need to do is go to work come home kiss the wife, shove a hand down your pants and watch the game. oh that point in life will be so sweet. i cant wait to become a cliche. haha seriously i had and still have many many wants and desires for frivolous things, still no different from any other person but what it really comes down to is what you actually do with your time. i simply want to go to work everyday come home love my girl, play with the dog or kids watch tv take a shyt and start it all over again.

of course i know the life of the domestic husband/father is boring and monotonous and im going to want for the spices in life later again but right now i crave the predictability and the security. and im getting there.

the only things left on my list is a real start to my company, a house, a bike, engagement (which has no date attached by the way its just a goal) and thats about it. i will be happy with a house and a bike for a LONG TIME those goals when reached will satisfy me for at least 5 years. well yes the engagement too, dont want to leave that out, but thats really for her, and more of something that needs to be done for her. id elope :) lol is that fair to our families lol. ehhh i dont care.






anyway ---- what do i really look forward to
my own furniture (new) lol
plasma
garage
kitchen lol
i cant wait to go spend money on my own home --- my room is getting really crowded i need the space to grow and be on my own. id like that. i could deal with being on my own for about 8 months before im 100%ready to get married. i just want to say ive done it on my own for at least a little while

anyway thanks for listening to my ramblings lol

Ive noticed lately that im just a poor person with nice things. ive given my time over towards creating a company allowing my personal finances to suffer. of course my partner is doing well ever increasing in creating new income. and it makes me wonder that somewhere just somewhere along the way maybe i made the wrong decision. then of course im snapped back into reality and i remember that all good things really do come to those who wait. (really they come to the person with the patience and determination to stick with the project but blah you get the point)

when im driving down the street i have much deeper thoughts. i usually wish that i could record my thoughts at any given time and once ive made my fortune to compile them into this great book. similar to many of the readings ive flipped through recently. often i wonder the authors of these books have made there fortune on their writings alone or was it some other endeavor that made it good timing to create a book. of course if your a novelist youve made your money writing stories. but did the guy on the cover of this self help book really help his self before  he wrote  the book or after he collected the publishers check. i guess it can work either way as long as the words seem convincing enough. for me its just hard to understand that in a country that even though average jobs are outsourced and people still lose work, that the amount of wealth that can be created is still unbeliveable and easy enough to obtain as long as you put in the effort. that im the one that understands it and havent taken any advantage. i dont play ball, act, tell jokes, or desire to really be part of the public eye. but im tired of being poor. so i guess i just have to find room behind one of those fields.

ive gotten a few new mottos
being slack = lack / being lazy = poor
the hardworker gets wealth
the determined make it far

yeah they're simple but they are true

i havent written a blog in such a long time maybe because i slightly afraid of any repercussions that may extend from writing anything resembling my inner thoughts -- that or maybe i just dont have much to talk about and when things are going well nobody wants to hear that. i mean who wants to hear about some jackass when everything is going good am i right, I WANT DRAMA GIVE ME DRAMA the people say and torches light up, pitchforks are drawn in the air and they come headhunting for this said winner in life -- nah thats not what i want and if i had some terrible pitch to throw, than....i would, alas sadly im happy hahahah does that even make sense. everything in the world is as it should be and there is balance in the universe blah blah blah I WANT A NEW FUCKING TOY, this has nothign to do with my pronounced completeness in the world as it stands but how completely boring satisfaction is. again dont take that the wrong way im not bored with whats satisfying im am bored with not being able to increase in that satisfaction satisfactorily............... ummm yeah, ok - i have a car to drive but its not one i want - i have a way to make money but its not as much as i need - i have a house to live in and food to eat but its not my own--- i have all basic needs accomplished but nothing to show for it,  basically i just want like i said a new toy to draw my attention for the next couple months till i get bored again and need to fill another material void. guess you could say im quite the materialist , but how can you blame me when theres so much in the world to do, buy, wear, play with, or collect and you say "sure you could but dont you feel bad that you got it good and half the world is starving-" big red fuckin NO i dont and in fact my financial security increasing would only serve to help those in need better than i could now --- i contribute and do my part to the best of my ability-- the more i have the more i can give, so shove it because i prolly do more for those who need it - there but the point is my happiness counts and im happy but i want to be more happy is that a crime. i want a bike, a new car, a new house, a new grill, a new couch tv lamp and fridge so fuck everything you thought im getting it by the end of this year!!!!! 

****************** the previous blog has much potential in getting me in trouble.


so once again ill explain for the masses that arent creatively inclined not the whole story but just the fact that this isnt about somebody cheating. this is all about the same person. how he wants to express his desire to be physical but understands that he wants his wife and would wait. and the prospect of going that far with this individual would interupt that plan so he urges her to get rid of the issues that are causing them to waste time so they can move on....... so get your minds out the gutter lol

reflections or perfections
a perfections perfectionist
back in forth back and forth
gotta shift quick your keepin up speedin but we're cruisin up in sixth
what to rhyme, rhyme, i cant find a rhyme to link up
i dont see, i dont care , i cant rhyme rhyme with the mixture
mix in flavor, flavors tasting , whats the flavor of love
dont you see dont you know know what what the fuck
im always wanting some
to feel that feeling i want to feel me fill you all inside
deep inside inside outside
outside i wont be in and out of you life
but in and out in and out im flying high as a kite
cloud 9 nine times you came to flying height
and to fly with me you needed to need to be needing a good beating up
up in the morning ready ready for round twenty one
and this is extasy without exstasy extasy's a state of mind
mind blowing experience blowing away the time
but we started at three, and till the sun rises youre geting a rise up out of me exploring your deepest regions in regions need to be
so turn on the lights i love the light on your thighs and in between that region is right where i want to lie, but i wont lie to you yeah yeah now now thats the truth and i havent waxed it till long after i saw you sitting in that booth
this is what it is, yes isnt that the life, but in all honestly im kinda looking for a wife.
so i cant stay, stay in the morning i got to go home go home so the wifey will never know, know now that now isnt the time time for us to get to business untill unfinished business is finished so devote your attention get with it and finish up.