arms stretched out, every cell feeling the cold air. the air speaks. it tells your story. the story of abandonment. heart beating through the static, miraculously open once again only to experience the pain it had been shut off to. the pain is carried by the wind. the pain within and the pain outside. crushing and consuming the very soul.

why is the ground as low as i can get? i pound it with my fist and watch it absorb my tears. where do they go? i want to go with them. they disappear into the earth and are never seen again. at least they have found rest. SCREAMS! the ones of anguish and regret. why do the faces stare at me so? i see them through my window as i drive home. can't they feel the pain as well? do they not sense the futility of our meaningless, empty lives? faces. i know these faces. they know me. some say i'm crazy. they are crazy not to scream along with me. can they not see how hollow we are? or have they never tasted this wind? i want to fly. my feet are not able to take me where i need to go. where my dreams (LIAR!) desire to carry me. i thought i could fly there. so i flew. yet when i got there my wings were savagely ripped from my skin. now i'm falling. maybe now i can follow my tears. perhaps when i land i won't stop at the surface, but go beyond. to that place i once dreamed of (LIAR!). to the bottom of the ocean.

meaning. purpose. desire. intertwined and disconnected. sinews and pathways that string together reality and tear it apart. distancing myself again i float above the earth leaving my mortal body behind sitting there pitifully. it is all pitiful. and worthless. wait, that is not true. there are lights. i see them as i soar further away from myself. they are the only thing that causes me to return and try to find them. once i found one (LIAR!) and i took ahold of it. it gave me a reason to stay here among the lemmings. it was a small flame. flames grow when fed though. i had dreams (LIAR!) of the inferno that would finally consume me in rapturous ecstasy. haha. silly dreams (LIAR!). AHAHAHAHAHHHHH! EXTINGUISHED! forced to once again rejoin the pawns. the mindless robots wandering the face of this planet. existentially roaming the ground trapped to its confining surface. the wonder of a land beyond never to be seen. the dream (LIAR!) of a world, renewed by the lights i saw compressed to a hideous afterthought. i am a bastard. an unwanted mistake. a poor decision. a curse breathed over my life from conception. so i bathe in the twisted radiance of my destiny rewritten into a vicious cycle of dreams (LIAR!) conformed into a dense metaphysical blackhole. sucking in those with no vision. spitting them out with a renewed hope, leaving me more empty than before. i am a chamber of molding. a tunnel which to pass through taking what you need and discarding the pieces. that is the curse i have been given, the shell i am forced to wear, the cross i must bear.

those faces again. they are talking. trying to console me. why do they speak empty words and useless cliches? they will never fly as i once did. they may never grasp the light i once held. they see it? how is that possible? it is gone. it burned out my soul and left me. those faces. they are everywhere. they fill life with their empty presence. i am not one of those faces. i have no face anymore. it is better that way. to be a mold. stone? don't say that. not again. they aren't faces after all. they are masks. and i have donned one as well. it is stuck to me. now i am faceless. my eyes burn bright beneath its cracks. a shimmer of that light i once held. i will burn this mask off one day. but i fear that all that is underneath is a charred remnant of what the light once crafted. those faces. they are not real. nothing is real. nothing is as it seems. the lights are fleeting and deceptive. they bring dreams (LIAR!) of release and liberation. but the faceless one tears them away. he finds the lights and TAKES THEM AWAY.

i am leaving again. goodbye useless land. i cannot find my dreams (LIAR!) by myself but i will not stay here, a prisoner of my mask. so i shall float away. i will join the stream of colors, sights, sounds and things forbidden on my own. away from my fragile body. i have no more use for it. if you see it tell it i said hello. someday i will rejoin it if i find what i am searching for. until then it will be one of those faces, walking on the ground. dreaming those nightmares (HAHA) it so often has. i will not be there with it though. it doesn't need me right now. i have work to do elsewhere. on my own for none of the faces will join me. they have all put on their masks and have become sheep. i have no use for them. i will find the light, apart from my mortal shell and attempt to bring it back.

so goodbye all. dream your pitiful dreams and continue to ignore them. wear your masks to hide your faces. lie to yourself. tell yourself that you are happy. ignore the light. waste your lives in the pursuit of mediocrity and the mundane pieces that you feel fulfill your shallow, void that you think is life. i will not be there with you. i leave behind a body, but it is merely a shell to take my place while i journey in a land you gave up on long ago. you could have come with me. but you decided to don your mask. my physical body will laugh and live with you HAHA but i will NOT be there. i am gone. for now. again.

farewell

slip into your dream, oh great dreamer. bathe in its radiance for the illusion of freedom it brings is short lived and will not last. the euphoric hope it gives you shall only make the dream to come that much more bitter.

awaken from your dream, oh great dreamer. do you not know that the only dream you can dream is a nightmare? dreams are but a glimpse into your soul. but your soul is mine. i forbid you to dream those dreams of happiness for that is not your destiny in this life.

slip into your nightmare, oh great dreamer. for this dream is the greatest nightmare of all. it is your curse to dream this dream, over and over. this is the dream i have given you. this is the fallen plague i have chosen for you to live. you cannot fight that which has been saturated over your life.

awaken from this nightmare, oh great dreamer. for no longer is this dark dream only manifested in your sleep. i have spoken it over your waking hours as well. now the dreams you once dreamed are but a fleeting shadow of that life you thought you would live. the only reward for thinking upon those old dreams is for this present nightmare to become that much more real.

fade into this nightmare, oh great dreamer. it is the only reality you now have left. you foolish child, did you not know that in this dreamland i am your master? you once believed that your dreams could transpose into reality. you were not far off. but i am the one who chooses which dream that shall play out in the story of your life.

fade into your dreams if you can, oh great dreamer. i stand over thee as you toss and turn in your bed, seeking after your old dreams. the ones you were stupid enough to let yourself dream. if you find sleep it shall only harm you for i am the only one giving you dreams now. and they shall be the dreams that only you can understand. the dark ones that have haunted you as long as you remember.

give up all hope, oh great dreamer. for your dreams of hope and a life of joy are more than faded into your past; they have dissipated into the night. they are no more real than a fowl with broken wings attempting to fly. you will never fly, oh great dreamer. for now i have you again. and you shall eternally fall with me.

give up your dreams, oh great dreamer.

as i lie here trapped within a void, images swirl around in a whirlpool; thoughts entrapping my mind like a toxic vortex of despair, the air that once tasted sweet has turned bitter upon my tongue. a beating heart, alive and well now turned to stone. once again a prisoner of my mortality. pleading the life that ever eludes me. the hammer, the mallet, an ever present shadow cast over my existence. place my neck beneath the guillotine; the only place it feels comfortable. the executioner standing over me with his black hood hiding his face. but i think he really is faceless. he needs no face to achieve his goal. he has but to pull the rope. sometimes he walks away and i foolishly think maybe he has left. but alas, he is always back again. now the guillotine is gone and i'm walking. am i free? haha laughs the cruel god of fate as i feel something upon my throat. my feet jerk violently off the ground and i find myself walking into a noose. the faceless one has returned. and though he has no mouth i can see him smiling an evil grin. i turn to ask him what malicious deed i have committed to be bound by this endless cycle of torturous strings, but i cannot for the noose is too tight. but for some reason i continue to fight him, only to return to this place of despair. each time the fight is harder and the entrapment only worse. each time a piece of who i am is forever cast into the abyss from where it will never return. somewhere the tooth fairy has an evil twin who comes in the night to chip away bits of my heart leaving not money but cold steel in it's place. when this transformation is complete perhaps i shall transform into a man made of steel. there he is again! the faceless one looking at me, cackling at my misery. he's offering me a way out. his offer is quite tempting. offer up my life as a complete sacrifice. give up my emotions for the gift of healing others. how can one so dark seem to want me to help others at my own expense? now my life is his. i am a slave to his bondage of foreboding storm clouds over my head. i think i shall take him up on his offer if only to not feel this noose around my neck....

A symphonic melody crashing through my skull

who is the conductor?

A variety of mellow tones collide with dissonant harmonies

why is nothing right?

A perfect chorus twisted into a bizarre cacophony of chaotic sounds

where is the stability?

A once perfect song sung by the heavens crashing suddenly in my brain

what is the purpose?

A symphony of brokenness overflowing from within

How to stop the pain?

last night, or actually this morning, on the way back from KC i was sippin on a jones soda (berry lemonade if you must know) and hangin out with laura, and and andrew - but he was sleeping - and just thinking about life when i had a revelation!!

i really did.

i've been stupid for the past 4 or 5 months and i'm sorry. you wouldn't be able to tell but i've been really depressed. see, when i get depressed i don't like cry or snap at people. apparantly i drink and get 100% unmotivated. so to all my old freinds - i'm sorry i've been reclusive and a loner. and a loser. and an alcoholic. and a hypocrit. i'm almost over it. not gonna drink my pain away or ignore God anymore cause thats the gay thing to do. i'm goin back to church a lot and getting back in his word and ACTIVELY seeking His Will instead of expecting Him to drop something in my lap while i live in sin. so yeah, sorry i've been a little bitch at times. or an egotistical prick. i'm sorry. and i'm healing.

now before ya'll get too excited about this lemme just say that of course i will continue to take buttloads of pictures of myself. because, well, God made me unique and you only deserve to see lots of pictures of me ;)

but for real things are changing. thanks to the few of you who stuck by my side during these hard times and not giving up on me even tho i didn't deserve it.

peace.

isn't it ridiculous when people make new blogs and then post a billion bulletins like "READ MY BLOG" "NEW BLOG - CHECK IT OUT" or "GO LOOK AT MY NEW BLOG"

and you do. and it wasn't worth it at all. and you just wasted your time. doesn't that suck? who wants to hear about some psuedo-revelation you had last night while drinking soda with the peoples? we all know you're not gonna actually be any different next time we see you so we don't believe you. some things are better kept in your mind. not on myspace. losers. leave me alone - don't shove your blogs down my throat!!

thats all

thank you

like there's this really cool magnolia (or sumthin) tree in my neighbor's yard and she suggested i take a picture of it. she's a photographer so i guess she would know. so yeah, whatever.

i was gonna put more ideas here but they're mostly weird or creepy and would escape your fragile, simple minds so i'm not.

but she's really smart and creative.

like Leonardo da Vinci. with boobs.

is that appropriate? maybe not.

but doesn't she have great ideas??

 

< L >

so yesterday L and I were leaving to go see TFK and the tank was on E. so we went to shell (which constantly smells like chicken - ONLY) and there were like 3 car lines for the pump. so we were like F this, ya know? so we went to QT and pulled into a pump. but it had that annoying red baggie thing on it that said out of order. so we drove to another one. i got out to pump the gas cause thats how i roll and this way-too-old lady like creeped up on me and got eerily close and informed me that all of QT's pumps were down. so we went to try and find another station, but somewhere along the way our hunger overtook us. so, in our starvation we passed a gas station and hit up McEdees. i of course got a McChicken and large fry with an ungodly amount of salt. and finally we went and got gas and i took pictures. long story longer we BSed in Eureka for 30 effing minutes. bye.