what else to do during the Holiday's when I'm missing 'the keddi girl' so very much?

try my hand at a new video :)

no small feat considering my movie maker thingy is busted & i had to use some get up my digital camera came with. ugh. but it worked & for once youtube wasnt being a hater & uploaded right away. i was SHOCKED.

The song is "In Loving Memory" by Alter Bridge. there are a couple of pictures of the crash, so if you get queezy over things like that, stop at 5:00 to 5:07. there is advanced notice on the video. i show them because i will not sugar coat the realities of drunk driving. i saw Kelli when she first came into the world & because of the 3 MORON's that sold our kids alcohol-
( see = www.kellilainelewis.com ) & our kids own mistakes that night--
i had to see Kelli when she left.



i didnt get everything in the order i wanted, but given my limited ability at making video's....... i'm striving for progress not perfection ;)

i'd like to thank the people at the nearest Honey Baked Ham store for making this video possible. if it wasnt for them i'd be up cooking right now. hehe

i've paid my Thanksgiving dues! let someone else cook that thing.
i'm slacking this year!


thanks for watching & everyones continued love & support!!!

much love & gratitude
Pam, still Kelli's mom

umm kidding of course.  you dont have to give a name.

 

ps: i think it’s pathetic that MADD will not help with this. 

they’ve never even responded to all the mail previously posted in the comment section of this blog.   so umm, lets keep mailing them and find out why.

one of the better presentations I have seen. followed by a rant from me ;)

if you have a short attention span like I do-- please at least watch number 3 & 4

video's were lovingly swiped from a bulletin posted by tif from the grim reality page-- if you haven't yet-- please add them

Grim Realities

Part 1




Part 2



Part 3



Brian Remembered



article I found after being motivated by the video's

this is the father and a man that helped make the video's


Former MADD Victim Advocate Speaks Out






David Elzey, former victim advocate for MADD (Photo: WBOC)












Bert Robertson, above, lost his son Brian in 1981 after he was killed by a drunk driver. (Photo: WBOC)
.







....



Brian Robertson, above, was only 8-years-old at the time of his death

10/11/2007 9:28 PM ET; Updated 10/12/2007

SALISBURY, Md.- After the Salisbury chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving suddenly closed last week, the former victim advocate for the Eastern Shore of Maryland is speaking out. Now Wicomico County's top prosecutor is also speaking out on what happened.

"I'm just grateful for all the years I was able to help at least one person on the Eastern Shore of Maryland due to drunk driving," said David Elzey, who is now out of a job after working 17 years for the non-profit organization.

Caroline Cash, MADD's regional director, said Elzey did a great job helping families and victims on the Eastern Shore for so many years. In the end though, Cash claims Elzey violated the organization's policy by appearing on the local access channel PAC-14 about a drunk driving case.

Cash added that the closing of the chapter and the Salisbury office was done in order "to spend donor dollars as best possible."

Now the Georgetown, Del. office will cover all nine counties on the Eastern Shore.

Those who have worked with Elzey are not happy about the decision. They say the fight against drunk driving on the Eastern Shore cannot be effectively handled from an office in Georgetown.

"It was more than the loss of an office, it was the loss of David Elzey, and that is a horrible situation for the Eastern Shore of Maryland," said Bert Robertson, who has been active with MADD since his 8-year-old son Brian was killed by a drunk driver in 1981.

"[Elzey] is not a victim but he has the soul of a victim," Robertson said. "He understands, and has the compassion to feel how a victim feels, and to help take care of them."

Both Elzey and Robertson say over the years MADD has lost its grass-roots. Elzey said the organization had its "heyday" in the mid-1990s. Now he feels it is focusing too much of its attention on more metropolitan areas.

Robertson said he feels the organization has more concerns than just curbing drunk driving.

"MADD was supposed to be the unifying voice to support us. We were not supposed to be the unifying voice to support MADD," Robertson said.

And in a statement issued Friday, the Wicomico County State's Attorney's Office said the following, " The Wicomico County State's Attorney's Office would like to express its disappointment and displeasure in response to the closing of the local office of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

"David Elzey and the local MADD office have been very effective in their efforts to assist law enforcement, heighten public awareness, assist victims, and monitor the criminal justice system with regard to drinking and driving.

"State's Attorney Davis Ruark as well as other assistant state's attorneys, including Paul Montemuro who has worked with Elzey for several years, call upon the national office of MADD to reverse its decision by reopening the Eastern Shore office and reinstate David Elzey as its president."

Meantime, Elzey and Robertson say they will both continue to fight against drunk driving, but say it will no longer be for MADD

_________________________________________________________

my rant

MADD national and the local Columbia SC chapter has let our family's down more than I have room or time to dwell on & i just need to save that for another blog. thats why you dont see anything on kelli's page about MADD. please still support them though-- because i'm sure they have helped many-- plus it's about all we have. God knows our government doesnt have our back.

so instead what I want to focus on this year-- right now, is to stop calling drunk driving crashes "accidents" . many of you know this has been an issue of mine for a long time. I cant say it any better than the father in the video's.

if you have lost a loved one, you have the right to call it an accident or whatever you want. it's your path & i respect your choice.

however I really want everyone else to start calling it a crash, a wreck or hey, how about this "a violent crime" because that is exactly what it is.

LETS STOP SUGAR COATING THIS THE VIOLENT CRIME!!!

encourage you all when you watch the news and hear them say lil mary was killed in an alcohol related "accident" that you put up the phone or send an email and let them know this is an insult to parents who have lost a child to this violent crime. tell them pam, kelli's mom said so. lol

this may seem like a small thing-- but think about it, how can anyone involved in the process really do us justice if they are thinking of this as an "accident" .

I am willing to bet when that "trooper" let the other underage drunk driver at kelli's crash "call a friend" and didn't charge him.... part of his thought process what that and "accident" not a crime had just occurred! we are ALL conditioned to think this way! it's got to change.

jury, judge etc- same thing. are they really going to be willing to sentence or even charge someone when in their minds they are thinking this is an accident instead of a violent crime?!!

so please, lets all start today and wipe that damn word out of the same sentence as drunk driving! just mentally start catching yourself and others when they say it. I know, it seems small maybe-- but we have to do all we can when it comes to the insanity of drunk driving!

thanks for viewing.

much love & gratitude-- pam, kelli's mom

kelli and her lil brother. a week later, poof. gone.

i'd like to thank miss Tif from the Grim Realities site for making this for kelli and all the other video's she has put her time and heart into. i love you girl, you know this!
"angel standing by" is one of the songs played at Kelli's funeral and is a song she in fact played in her room her last day on earth.

i dont expect anyone to read all this below, i mostly wanted to share this video of kelli.

This morning on CNN I saw that January 21st is considered THE most depressing day of the entire year. I thought.... no shit right?! it's the day my kelli died.

so grab coffee, I have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

I apologize right now for how long this is going to be. I've been holding much of it in for many years and it's time to let it out since I will never be able to let it go. and I don't want to, it's my kelli. love is the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain & i thank you all for allowing me to share both with you.

just as the day kelli came into the world- the day she left changed everything. the world has never been as bright for me since that horrific morning January 21st 2001. 2001= THE worse year EVER

I should have known something was up that morning because Kelli got up early and.... wait. stop right there. KELLI GOT UP EARLY ON A SATURDAY.

but wait, there's more [[ late night infomercial voice ]] Kelli started cleaning her room?!! then asked me to run her up to the post office to get money orders so she could pay ALL her bills, including her monthly support to 3 kids she was helping in Darfur.

it was also very odd that her and I were getting along really GREAT. no fighting or me bitching at her about anything. we had a wonderful last day together and I am so grateful for that. we were usually fighting. I was very hard on Kelli. I needed to be, I knew she was in trouble.

Kelli spent the morning cleaning her room. I recall Jewel and Janis Joplin CD's playing that day from Kelli's room. at one point I was in her room and she said to me "mom, I think I am going to die soon"

what? kelli, why would you think that?

"I just have a very strong feeling it's going to happen very soon"

then she told me about a very scary experience from the night before when she had been a passenger in a car with a girl that was driving drunk and hit a mailbox and was running up on curbs. kelli said she (kelli) started screaming "let me out of this fuckin car, we are all going to die just like Angela did" (another friend that was killed by drunk driving) .

later I was told by Suhmer, that kelli went so ballistic in the car that they finally pulled over and made someone else drive because kelli was demanding to be let out. Suhmer said she was like a wild animal in a cage. that's sadly how I picture her the night she died. begging for her life.

remember close calls like that when I was a teen & feeling that i wouldnt make it to my next birthday. i figured thats what was going on with kelli feeling like she was going to die. i told her to trust her gut about going out when she felt that way & to stay home or change her plans.... but i also tried to rid her of her anxiety because i hate that feeling. i didnt make a big deal about it because I DIDNT GET A FEELING ANYTHING WAS WRONG so many times i had- but not THAT day. wtf?! i also knew kelli well enough that if i even made it look or sound like i wanted her to stay home------- she would be sooo out the door.

I remember very clearly that I gave her a big hug and told her to trust her gut and that she would be........ ok

then mid morning crisis happened. kelli's little brother LOVED to hang out in kelli's room. he was 5 at the time and adored Kelli. he would always beg to sleep in her room at night. she would usually tell him no, but always gave it. so that morning billy was in her room playing as she cleaned and he was playing Nintendo and happened upon an electronic organizer that kelli had spent the last several days programing in ALL her friends phone numbers. yep. you guessed it. he accidentally deleted everything. kelli yelled at billy and told him he was never allowed back in her room ever again. he was heartbroken and went to his room crying. I don't know if they ever made up or if kelli ever told him she was sorry before she left the house that night.

I asked kelli what she was doing that night & she told me she was going with Jessica and Amanda to a college party in Rock Hill @ Winthrop University. kelli had been doing SO good and i remember thinking ....well at least it's not the same yahoo's she's been haning out with & i'm sure college kids will be more responsible than her high school friends. (yeah, right). plus jessica will be driving so i felt really good about that. Jess was a pretty responsible girl and driver.

during that day a friend of kelli's came over, a boy named Jerry (nice enough kid) that drove this old crazy looking VW bug. it was a nice day for January and I looked out my bedroom window to snoop and saw them outside smoking weed. I'm afraid I fell into the mentality at that moment that "at least it's just weed" I knew and know better. any mood altering substance will send an addict back to their drug of choice and for kelli that was alcohol. I didn't say anything to her because she had been doing so well after getting out of treatment and we were having such a good day together, I didn't want to have a fight.

typical behavior if you live with someone in recovery= don't rock the boat it will make it worse. and to my haters that say I let kelli smoke weed and that it's my fault she's dead for letting her leave the house that day...... do your fuckin homework. she was 18. even when she was 15 I couldn't stop her from leaving our house or anything else. ask my state (judge Getty & childrens services) they made that very clear to me. ask the Tega Cay police dept when i called them to go pick her up when she took off and i found out where she was. ahh but then the haters say I'm expecting the state to take care of my kid for me. umm no. I only expected the state to do what they are paid to do. help me to help my child when I call for help.

so to the haters.. STFU. ok. done.

at some point I fell asleep. I think the girls left our house around 7:30pm. Jessica told me kelli didn't want to wake me up, so she didn't say goodbye to me. we always said "I love you" no matter how pissed off we usually were at each other. I take comfort in our earlier hug that day.

around 5:30 or 6:30 my husband was getting ready to go to work. Kelli and I usually did a paper route (hush) together (which we both hated) but my husband did the route earlier that morning because I didn't like doing it without kelli and she had gone out so bill had just come back from the route and was ready to leave for his regular job @Arnold Palmer Cadillac in charlotte where he had just started that week as a new manager.

I heard someone knocking at the door and figured it was kelli and she had locked herself out and I was relieved she was home and a little pissed it was so late/early. I looked out the window and saw a cop and another guy (coroner) I was in a really good mood and opened the door and said something stupid like "what did she do now?" thinking kelli had been arrested for something dumb (if you know where we live, you get this). they asked if they could come in and we stood in the entry way and the words that came out shattered my heart and my world. I remember my knee's giving out and hitting the floor and my husband trying to help me.

a deep unfamiliar sound (that is now very familiar) came out of me as I screamed "oh god no. no no no. not my baby. noooooooooooo. not my baby. over and over again. a feeling came over me and I knew I would never be the same. ever. I don't remember the next few minutes. it was kind of like an emotional black out.

for some reason my coping mechanism made me focus on who was with kelli. because Jerry had been at our house earlier, I assumed it was him. I asked them if it was a VW bug that they were in. they said they didn't think so and that they knew the driver was a boy named Thomas Byington. who? I'd never heard that name before. that was really weird. didn't make sense to me at all. I knew or at least had heard of all kelli's friends and trust that I had everyone's phone number because I'm a snoopy mom like that. ask her friends

they said they weren't positive of the other boy's name and that they were only given the first name of "Jason" by Erich P. (the other boy who had been at the party with them and knew exactly who Jason was and his last name) and they had gone through kelli's phone book and found a Jason Dye but his parents were out of town so they didn't have a positive ID yet as they couldn't find any ID on him.

I knew it was Jason Dye at that point because he had been calling kelli all day long. he had been asking kelli out for about 6 months and I guess kelli made plans to meet up with him that fateful night.

I bet the cops think I was nuts because all I could focus on were those two boys and their parents. it was too much to realize it was my "keddi girl".

I kept going into panic mode and rushing around the house. my husband asked what should we do? where do we go? they said there was no reason to go or do anything that kelli was at the morgue already and there was no reason for us to come there. I'm not sure if we should have went or not.

the coroner started to tell bill of kelli's injuries and I freaked out. I yelled at him that I COULD NOT listen to THAT. I started to go up stairs to call my mom and smoke a cigarette when I could still hear him talking about her body. I was going up the steps trying to block them out with the sound of my own voice yelling ........ I CAN STILL HEAR YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I'M OUT OF THE ROOM. PLEASE!!

I of course called my mom. her husband answered the phone and all I could say was........ rick, oh rick. it's kelli. rickkkkkkkk I heard him say to my mom, "it's pam, something has happened to kelli" my mom go on and shouted "what is it? what's happening?" I said, it's kelli's. and I made the noise and cries that only a mother that has lost a child can make.

my mom then started screaming. OH God NO! NOT OUR KELLI. NO GOD NO. PLEASE DONT LET IT BE OUR KELLI.

I don't remember the rest of the call. I know I desperately started calling Suhmer, Lindsey & Amanda. i cant remember who i actually got ahold of, i think it was Amanda. it was hours before i finally talked to Suhmer & she rushed right over and we all fell apart together.

ever since that day it's been about finding ways to take another baby step each day without my kelli. to make sure her life AND death matter in the world.

all of you from myspace make that happen for me each and everyday.

I am humbled and so grateful. the next time you see or hear someone saying "it's just myspace....get over it" etc. please know that for me, it's so much more than that. it's all I have left of my daughter.



I can truly say that I love each and everyone of you and I'm so grateful for your love & support.

Pam, still kelli's mommy