From the desk of Ryan Patrick Imming
Friday, Jan 23, 2009. 4:17 am. Ouch.

Hi party people.

I hope you all have had a stellar start to 200niner. It’s going well here. Short lil update to let you guys know that I’m coming out of my winter Hibernation and I’m starting to get some shows on the books again. There are a few dates posted on the “shows” page of www.rpimusic.com, so check them out. I’m playing my first show at a place called “The Tin Can Tavern” in Columbia tonight. Canned beer and good times. Come on down. I’ll also be back at Norty’s in St. Joe tomorrow night (Saturday) this weekend.

So if you’re in Columbia or St. Joe I plan on seeing you out at the shows, if not, there will be trouble.

NEW DOWNLOADS? FOR FREE? You betcha. Go on over to the “mp3” page of www.rpimusic.com today and download live versions of “take me away” and “the fourth of July” today. Go, right now.

I’ll be back in Warrensburg in a couple of weeks at Bar 9, which used to be the Warehouse. I haven’t been in the Burg since November, so bring it people, bring it.

Let’s see, that’s about it. Have a great weekend, thanks for reading my exciting email!

See you out there.
RPI

Cat Fights.. I dont know whats been going on lately, but Ive had two AWESOME girl fights break out at my last two shows in a row!  No, no, no, these girls werent fighting over my sweet love handles,  but they did actually come to swinging, which is always nice.  There are a couple other things that make these fights kind of unique.  First of all, the girls were pretty cute, usually its the girl, who might be a guy wearing a john deere hat and playing pool all night who gets a little uppity, but these girls werent bad, not bad at all, and its summertime so theyre wearing revealing clothing, which makes the fights that much more interesting.  The one that happened on Thursday night in Warrensburg was a little removed from me, so I cant really comment on it, but Friday at Shiloh the shit hit the fan right in front of my face.  So I had this little Asian girl come up to me and grab my mic, now her friends were calling her by her nickname, which is Sticky Rice, no, Im not making this up, and I did not give her the name, I would never call someone something so hurtful, anyway this chick has a kung fu death grip on my microphone and after singing a verse to some song that Ive never heard of she says that Blankety Blank (Ill leave the name out to protect the innocent) who works here is a whore and shell s*** your c*** for $4! 

 

 Wow at this point Im really hoping these girls are friends who like to give each other a good natured ribbing over the PA at bars and clubs, but theyre not and a little melee breaks out.  Well Sticky Rice is quite a fighter, I wasnt kidding about the Kung Fu death grip and the bouncer grabbed her to hold her back, at which point she punches this poor kid and then bites him.  Yes, she actually bit him!  Well anarchy ruled for a few short minutes and I was intrigued.  Apparently somebody hooked up with somebodys boyfriendwho knows all I know is RPI gets the estrogen flowing and girls lose their minds.  I love my job.

New Puppy. 

 

So in case you dont know it, my wife and I are crazy about dogs, especially our dogs, Newman, the golden retriever and Frank the Tank, the bernese mountain dog.  Weve had Newman since he was 8 weeks and we rescued Frank from a puppy miller when he was 6 months old.  Hed been severely mistreated, but in the last 18 months hes adjusted to the good life, hes a couch potato that looks like a grizzly bear.  He scares all of the people in our neighborhood and truthfully, thats one of my favorite things about him. 

 

Anyway we take them for walks pretty much on a daily basis and sometimes we mix it up a bit, put them in the car and take them to Downtown Lees Summit, the home of fun shops and Jerrys Bait Shop, yada yada yada.  About 3 or 4 months ago we had been walking around a park with our pups when we saw a beautiful golden retriever tied to a tree in a back yard.  He looked very handsome, but very neglected and we kind of felt bad.  My wife and I would drive by to check on him whenever we were out that way and we noticed that no matter what time we drove by he was tied up to the tree.  We stopped one day and Red (my wife) went up to him and he was very sweet.  The other thing that was odd was that we never saw any form of human life around this house.  Finally two weeks ago we drove by after Church on a Sunday morning and a man was smoking a cigarette out on the front porch of his house.  We stopped and started talking to him about the puppy and asked him where he got him etcFinally the man let us know that he might be willing to part with the dog.  You see he told me that muts were all hed ever had before and the thouroughbreds (he meant pure breds)  were a little more difficult to take care of.  He bought him for his kid (who was about 3 years old) and hes just too much trouble.  So he empties a bag of Ol Roy on the ground for him every couple of weeks and fills up his bucket of water once a week whether it needs it or not.  Hes had several notes left on his door and the humane society has visited him several times.

 

    I offered the man some cash and he told me hed have to think about it.  We gave our phone numbers and sure enough the next night the man called.  He would be willing to give up the puppy (who is about a year old) for twice what I offered him.  I negotiated him down and went and picked up the little fella the next day.  We had him neutered, had every test known to man run on him and gave him a new name.  Thankfully he is a healthy happy little man and right now Puddy is adjusting to the good life and getting along swimmingly with his 2 new brothers.  For those of you who have been asking if I have kids, I will tell you this now, Im sure well be pregnant in the not too distant future, now that we have 250 lbs. of canine love living in our house.  The moral of the story is, please dont buy a dog for your kids.  The kids never end up taking care of them and pets, especially working breeds like labs and retrievers NEED exercise or they become unruly.  So whenever someone tells you that their dog is stupid, realize what theyre really saying is Im a dumb fuck who didnt take the time to train my pet, so Ill call the dog stupid for acting out.  People suck. 

Baseball season and dogcuts:  Its about time, Im jazzed and ready for a season of baseball.  Not the Royals stupid, the Mustangs.  My nephew is 11 years old and on my nights off Im at Legacy Park in Lees Summit rooting on the stangs.  The other night we were watching a game and the opposing team was up to bat.  The batter struck out or whatever and they were looking for the next kid to bat, he had gone to the bathroom, which was quite a ways away. The team was yelling for him and I almost fell out of my chair when one kid shouted above everybody else Hurry up you HOMO!  Good times in the LS. I guess somebody missed his sensitivity training that day.  

 

Summertime is right around the corner, my Mustangs are playing baseball and my two dogs got their fancy boy haircuts.  The dogs look funny but feel great, I know you dont care, so Im ending this right now.

Blowout and Yo Mama:  First the good.  Blowout, Bravo, Tuesday nights, but its rerun throughout the week, Jonathan Anton.  Hes the man, he actually has put a show on television about a hair salon and made it interesting.  He really believes he is changing peoples lives, I love it.  He made a reference to the Batman Bat Symbol shining at night and how he had something similar when people need great hair.  He blows up at his product marketing people, he breaks down to his shrink, he talks a lot like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and if you want to hear how great he is just ask him.  I love it.

 

Now on to the worst show on TV maybe ever.  Yo mama is a show on MTV, yes I know Im not in the key demographic, I know they like to shape the impressionable minds of people much younger than me, but when I click on MTV this show seems to always be on.  Heres the premise, two people square off and snap on each other and their mamasby saying things like yo mama is so dumb it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.  Then the crowd of people behind them shout OH NO YOU DIUNNT!!! AWWWWWW DAMMMMM.  What the shit is going on at MTV?  Oh I almost forgot Wilmur Valderama from that 70s show is the host, and hes been brushing up on his ebonics as well.  Somebody firebomb MTV. Please.

KU Paddy Murphy:  The boys at KU did it up right the other night.  I have to let you all know that I attended one of the best parties that Ive been to in a long, long time last weekend.  I was pumped when I was asked to play at the Sigma Alpha Epsilon party, seeing as how I was an SAE, albeit at Mizzou, it would be a sort of homecoming.  I got my start playing music in college at parties, afterbars, etc..so I knew this would be fun.  I just had forgotten how fun. 

 

As I walked into the house the smell hit me, and I felt like I was home.  Its the standard Fraternity house smell, the cleaning products on top of stale beer and who knows what elseahhhhh breath it in, it always goes down smooth.  The crowd was awesome, but my favorite part of the night had to be watching different girls compete to win the widow murphy contest.  For those of you not familiar with the party I wont bore you with the details, it was just girls competing for a guy, there was fruit, whipped cream and cameras oh my.  Anyway, it was a great time thanks to the guys for having me and I look forward to heading back next semester for more shenanigans!

Bad Naked:  Yes, there is such a thing as bad naked. Why, must the scary ones take their tops off at my shows?  Heres a little story about horrible breasts for you.  Im doing my show at the Warehouse in Warrensburg.  Wednesdays have turned into quite a party there, there are people coming back every week, the weather is warming up and were all in a great mood.  Theres one woman who is really feeling the music, I mean freaky naughty feeling the music and not freaky naughty in a good way.  She looks like one of the people that you might see on the tv show Intervention.  Her teeth are missing, and she is frightening me, but Im laughing as are the people around me because she looks funny, lets face it, acid washed Lee Jeans and reebok hi tops with the Velcro on top are always good for a chuckle.  I play right on the outer wall of this bar, which is a garage door, which opens to Pine Street, this is the main bar district in Warrensburg.  I see said scary woman facing the street and two young guys laughing hysterically at her.  She turns around and I cringe as I see that she has pulled up her top to expose the two bags of sand that she calls breasts.  I hold back the vomit, finish the song and move on.  At the end of the night Im telling the story to my friend Andrea who manages the bar and she laughs.  She tells me that the woman is a local prostitute and often asks for Andrea to send new business her way.  She said that she gives the best, well its not a snow job, but it rhymes with it because.are you ready for this, because she has no teeth. 

 

Happy Puking,
RPI

TV's new guilty rediculousness (I know that rediculousness isn't a word, but neither is "nervousing" as in "The situation was nervousing me." And New York, a lovely woman who is a finalist on Flava of Love on VH1 uses that, so I'm using rediculousness, and that's just how it's going to be.)

 

Ashley Parker Angel.  I hate this kid.  He has a show on MTV and however I may try to avoid it I have to watch it.  Here's the worst thing, I know enough about him to tell you why I can't stand him.  He's an ex boyband kid who's going solo and they're documenting what it's like for someone "making it on his own" in the music business.  The guy is like 23 years old and is talking about how broke he is.  Then he get's in his dodge caravan, drives to his gig and the transmission falls out of his van….no, damn it, that happened to me, what happened to him was he got in his Mercedes and drove to a radio station where he met with the program director who decided to add his song to their playlist on the spot. ERRONIUS ON BOTH COUNTS!!!! First of all program directors don't add songs like that anymore or every stupid singer/songwriter would be beating there doors down, this isn't 1953….for the love of Christ.  Secondly he can't even get through an open mic night without playing the wrong chord on his piano.  I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am, I am very, very bitter.    

 

The Half-Ton Man.  I can't get enough of the TLC "disgusting human" series.  It's not really called that, but it may as well be.  They have documentaries on people, one is the "half-ton man," and the other is the "700 pound man."  They also have an episode of a woman who is missing half of her body.  I can't even bring myself to watch this poor woman be exploited, I feel really bad for her, she was born this way, now the half ton man actually had to work at getting his own TLC TV show. Here's a spoiler that I didn't see coming, the 700 pounder dies and the half ton guy lives, how's that for a slap in the face.  Another interesting point that I'd like to bring up in the Half Ton episode is the fact that they said this man's weight "skyrocketed" to 1000 pounds.  Ummm No it didn't.  If by skyrocketed you mean, he gained that much weight by taking in 12000 calories a day for the last 8 years of his life, while he was restricted to his bed, then okay, you got me, but I take skyrocketed to a new weight as me getting off the plane in Maui with my ring stuck on my finger because I ate a whole bag of hot and spicy chex mix, I was quite swollen, but still a smidge under 1000 pounds.  I'm tired of typing, you're tired of reading.  Listen to my mad banjo skills on the new version of request that you can download off of this very myspace site and have a great day.

DVD Taping

 

Ahh yes, my new promotional DVD is nearing completion.  I'll be putting together a little 6 song DVD to get me booked because a lot of people can't grasp the whole "looping" thing, it's just easier to let them see it.  The show went very well and thanks to all of those who came out.  First let me thank them for supporting me, second let me thank them for having my back. 

 

I should say the first 2/3s of the show went well because halfway through "request" I actually felt the presence of a large redneck right behind meonstagewhich is nice because I can let my other band members keep playing while I take care of the situationoh no, wait I play alone, that's right.  This douchebag had to ask me if his brother-in-law could play just one song on my guitar.  No, how's this, go f**k yourself and your brother in law.  And thanks for ruining my chi.  Once he and his idiot friends realized I was taping the show they continued to dance right in front of the cameras, now that's a video. 

 

God bless Carson, my videographer who didn't know he was risking life and limb getting the footage that night.  If I can figure it out I'll put some video up on the web as soon as it's done.  Thanks again to those who came out for the show, it was standing room only and it felt great to have such a good turnout in my hometown.