http://www.roage.com/main.asp?PageID=58


some of these really make you think, and if they dont, then why arent you trying to think for yourself?

first, the dream, some time after 2003, before 2006:


Me and my family* are sitting in a circle/half circle around an open fire. we're way up in the rockies, we have a voklswagen van parked off the side of the road, and something is cooking while we're passing a bowl around the group.

Atop the van is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen in my life, dancing into the sunset to some indistinguishable music.

We're all smiles, laughter, and stories.

I am a little outside the group, watching this amazing woman dance on top (presumably) my van.*

i start waking up, but dont want to stop watching her, but as i wake, she steps down from the van and...* im awake.



In June, 2009, i wound up on the streets.

I start seeing people i deeply recognize, but cant place any faces with any names.

In spite of how familiar these faces are, i know in my heart i am only meeting them for the first time in my life.
This doesnt shake the familiarity.

Then i met "buggy" and "bones", and through them i learned about the feed in downtown salem, where i saw Krystal for the first time...

I later learned her name and a few details about her, and she later started hanging out with me, and i have slowly been learning who this girl out of my dreams really is.


* some details omitted.

If everyone helped each other out for free, there would be no need for any currency, as all it does is promote your wretched greed.

Ahh... Tornado Alley, lots of tornadoes there, ideal conditions met, it makes sense that a tornado would rip by every now and then...


But hey, the great Pacific Northwest has lots of hills, mountains, and the pacific ocean;    not very idyllic... if you're a tornado.

And no, they did not touch down, here, over Salem, Oregon, however, the winds were fast enough, and the clouds made attempts at forming funnels, but all they could muster was nearly horizontal rains at times.


wait, did i say rains? well in spite of being grammatically correct, i think the term "buckets of water" would have been more suitable, as the water came down so heavily, at times it appeared to stream together as if just poured from eye level.


yeah, that much rain.



I must say, i am quite bummed that it has passed, but you know what? i look forward to the next torrent of mother nature's furious power.

From Wikipedia:

Kant asserted that, because of the limitations of argumentation in the absence of irrefutable evidence, no one could really know whether there is a God and an afterlife or not. For the sake of society and morality, Kant asserted, people are reasonably justified in believing in them, even though they could never know for sure whether they are real or not. He explained:

"All the preparations of reason, therefore, in what may be called pure philosophy, are in reality directed to those three problems only [God, the soul, and freedom]. However, these three elements in themselves still hold independent, proportional, objective weight individually. Moreover, in a collective relational context; namely, to know what ought to be done: if the will is free, if there is a God, and if there is a future world. As this concerns our actions with reference to the highest aims of life, we see that the ultimate intention of nature in her wise provision was really, in the constitution of our reason, directed to moral interests only."

The sense of an enlightened approach and the critical method required that "If one cannot prove that a thing is, he may try to prove that it is not. And if he succeeds in doing neither (as often occurs), he may still ask whether it is in his interest to accept one or the other of the alternatives hypothetically, from the theoretical or the practical point of view. Hence the question no longer is as to whether perpetual peace is a real thing or not a real thing, or as to whether we may not be deceiving ourselves when we adopt the former alternative, but we must act on the supposition of its being real."^[19] The presupposition of God, soul, and freedom was then a practical concern, for "Morality, by itself, constitutes a system, but happiness does not, unless it is distributed in exact proportion to morality. This, however, is possible in an intelligible world only under a wise author and ruler. Reason compels us to admit such a ruler, together with life in such a world, which we must consider as future life, or else all moral laws are to be considered as idle dreams… .




What Dreams may come, should the pursuit of a "civil" world, based in the control of nature, and belief in a higher authority, be an idle dream?   To contradict oneself in the belief that nature knows best, yet continue to attempt dominion over that very natural world?   it does, in fact, sound, to me, like an idle dream.


Perhaps morality should not be attributed to faith in authority figures, perhaps it should be attributed to observation and experience of the natural world...




Just like our eldest of ancestors had to do, jsut as the animals have to do, just as the natural world does, so too, should we, if we truly, truly, wish to coexist.

Well i guess there comes a time in everyone's life that they have to part with their former lives, or former selves, and i happen to be leaving both in the dust....  or maybe they're leaving me, i cant tell the difference.

But shit happens, and it happens a lot in life. especcially since the industrial "revolution". which wasnt a revolution at all, it was just an undeclared war against nature.


but nevermind that, it's time for me to leave this so called "civilized" world in pursuit of the REALITY so callously veiled by economics.


Dont know where i will go, dont know how i will get there, but i do know that i dont have a choice but to strike out, empty handed, and face the world head on.


I hope to meet new friends, and make new allies in my travels. These are deffenitely times of change... so.... With luck, i will start enjoying life for a change.

christianity:  sure our history is dark and dispicable, and yeah, we lie a lot, but our religion is GOOD, even if founded on murder and genocide, our religious fathers made mistakes, it's okay, we can do it right if we just keep trying!


Einstine: insanity is doing hte same thing over and over, expecting different results.




the moral of this blog:  wake the fuck up and stop relying on religious indoctrination to get you through your day.  if you're having THAT much trouble coping with life, you OBVIOUSLY werent meant to live this long!


The cells in our bodies all die.   we have a completely new body every month, or three months or something like that.


the cells in our bodies that are weak, damaged, or dying, are supposed to be flushed out of our system in waste.


Christianity serves to try to protect each and every cell in the earth's body.   preserving them, even if they are damaged, dying, or practically dead.


THC triggers programmed cellular death, meaning it targets and kills damaged and dying cells.


if religion is the cancer of the world, what is the THC?

Do you like drama?  maybe a little?


Then maybe one of these times i should tell you my life's story...




oh where to begin...   ah why the hell not?




My parents were working at the same place together and met throung work, or so i am told. apparently they dated, apparently. they slept together, forbid.
repeatedly...  ughhhh *shudder*

... and then i was concieved in the spring of 1985, born in the fall.
September.

i dont remember any of this.

i DO remember grandma's house, and chewing on a teddy bear's plastic nose a lot, to the point that it is mostly missing a nose, and a stuffed racoon.


i am told we lived in a two story house in south salem.
I dont remember this.


My mom got pregnant again. i dont remember this.
we moved to the purple rug house just on the outskirts of Woodburn.
i dont remember this, BUT.   the begining of my story is here.


i dont remember much of this, the floors were purple carpet, maybe that's why i like punk rocker girls?

the ceiling was plaster and pointy, and had glitter sparklies that reminded me of a white on white star field as i fell asleep at night.

The freeway wasnt far off in the distance, the constant droning of cars and the occasional truck shifting gears were my constant stream, an orchestra, not of the forest but, of the rural city.

my sister was born before my memories reach, so to me, she was always my age, even though i knew she was my baby sister, she was never really younger to me.
Except at first, i do remember jealousy, stealing her bottle or toys. i dont remember it being for long, but i also dont remember much of it at all.

After my sister was born, Dad was gone.  mom kicked him out of the house.  i dont remember much of this, but i remember a lot of arguments for a while, though i dont actually remember anything about them, a lot of yelling.

So dad was gone, except on most sundays and sometimes saturdays too, and it was otherwise just mom, my sister, and me.

though as i recall, we visited grandma and grandpa constantly, all the time. before dad left, and for a while after.  i remember being there a lot of the time, seeing family members every week.  i knew who my cousins were by the time i was 3 or 4, i knew who my aunts were, i knew what a family was.  i was immediately attached to it.  i expected great things to come. i knew i was going to be loved, and taught many useful things so that i could grow up to be as amazing of a family as they were some day.

im sure every weekend, we were visiting grandma and grandpa, which also meant almost every week, we saw my cousins, Jim, Paul, and Kevin, and later when they were born, Matt, and Ben.

some time shortly before or after ben was born, i cannot remember the chronology of much of my life before i was 6 or 7...   my grandpa died of a heart attack.


i barely remember any of this, and dont really remember him being gone until i watched him being helpped out from his grave by two bright and shining people who shone no light, but were nearly blinding to look at.  they knew me, and i knew them, but i cannot answer any questions about it because i know no answers, other than that i recognized them.

after that, i remember sticking a paper clip in an electrical outlet and getting shocked liek crazy, but no one ever knew or found out, and lighting a match jsut to watch it burn.   im not sure which happened first, but i believe the match was before the outlet, but they were in the same room on the hour of the same day.

I remember playing games with Kevin all the time.  i remember the fort out back that was uncle bill's old hand made canopy (not that i ever knew that's what it was till i was like 16) and the apple tree surrounded by parsley. i remember the wooden play truck, and the raspberries grandma grew in her garden. i remember grandma's pears, and i remember grandma's spaghetti. i remember the ditch behind the house that kevin and i were ofnd of playing in.  i could never understand why grownups didnt like that we played in that ditch until much later in life that i learned it was right next to the road.   i never knew because it was so steep on one end, and so many trees separated the house from the road.

i remember burning up a bunch of old things, including the wooden truck, being burned in a huge bon fire out back, and wondering why such a cool party with such a big fire was such a sad event.   this must have been jsut after grandpa died.


Grandma had ovarian cancer, and was gone before i was 5 years old.

We hardly ever saw the family after then...

She had to sell her house, she moved into a trailer park up the road, and then she died.

Mom had always worked swingshift, afternoon to midnight. grandma was the one who usually watched us while mom worked.  sometimes dad was there to pick me up, sometimes he would take care of me and my sister at grandma's, more that he wanted to see us, not that he was needed, but i needed him.

but as far as the house grandma died in, I dont remember that house very well, but i do remember the cousins, and one tiny toy john deer tractor that was given to me. i think i still have it, i think...   i wish i knew where it was, i had forgotten about that...

just before grandma died, mom moved to appartments in Wilsonville, closer to work, and right next door to school, now that i was about 5 years old.

Now, with dad being more or less a dead beat, at least as far as mom
was concerned, i was yet to see it, and with grandma gone, mom had to
hire a sitter.





the first choice was just ungodly.

she was short, fat, and shrill.  she had no respect for anythingm anyone, or anywhere, or any noun for that matter, let alone her self.

i dont remember this, i dont think i WANT to remember this, and it lasted one day.  day two, i flat out refused to go in there.   i won mom over with how insistent i was, so it msut have been some real shit, cuz i was still only 4 or 5.

next was Vickie, Irene, and Pike.

Vickie & Irene's wasnt bad.  a double garage converted into a kiddie play area and padded down served as their daycare center.

parents dropped kids off on their way to work, and picked them up on the way home.


since mom worked nights, the arrangement wasnt exactly irine's favorable job, watching over my sister and me.  she had to be awake up late when mom got home, she would have rather been sleeping.

i think she took it out on us.  but we had to go.


Finally when i started going to pre-school, mom hired people through want ads.
our first sitter was a christian couple.   i dont recall them being BAD or anything, but tabitha and john BOTHERED me deeply.   they were church goers, no problem, grandma played the organ at church, so i knew church to be a decent thing, but theirs werent no church, it was a school!   it wasnt bad, actually more enjoyable than school ever was, but i felt so dirty and exposed there, i felt constant pressure and unease.  i hated it, and was glad when their friend...   i think her name was Christa, but i cant remember, took their place.

she had a cool little dog, and i dislike little dogs. but more about that later.

i dont remember why, and i still dont really know or understand, but i was held back from kindergarden, and went to pre-school down the road by the Wilamette river for a year, give or take 3 or 4 months.
still have that class picture.   you can see some fellow kids that will follow me through primary school.

i remember pre-school was something i had looked forward to every day because we were learning about things like arts and crafts and socializing. lots of hands on experience.

i was so sad the day i had to say goodbye, i didnt really think it would ever end or change. when i had to leave and all the other kids got to stay i was jealouse again, but it didnt last long, for i had promises of the next level: kindergarden.

well it was a false promise really, kindergarden was a nightmare of sorts...  it wasnt all bad and it wasnt all good, it was a constant uneasy tension inbetween.

the other kids were ill behaved and disrespectful, and found a way to me as being spoiled and undeserving of the attenmtion they whored themselves to.  anything, anything at all, good or bad, they craved it, and i got to take punishment for their misdeeds.  i didnt want to go back, i couldnt, there was not a thing that anyone could do to make me.   they were WRONG people. EVIL. they were scum of which more scum conglomerated and thrived, and i was tainted with their ill behavior.


i tried to salvage what i had, tried to protect my innocence. i knew that these people werent bad people, per se, but i also knew they were corrupt, and corrosive.  their corruption infected others who were, like they, poorly informed, and raised without care.  they needed help, but i was FIVE.  i needed to help myself by staying free of that corruption.


but no dice, i wasnt allowed to stay home for some reason, mom had whatever reason or right to send me to school, i never understood why.  she was wrong, but she was mom, she was supposed to know what was best.

So i went to school, tried to make friends, tried to tolorate the kids, and after a while, found it wasnt entirely bad, at least i had people who were my age to play with on a daily basis. i warmed up to them, didnt feel intolorant of them anymore,  i didnt like it, i hated getting up every morning for it, but i loved the people, even the ones i hated.    i remember Deanna Walling, Lizzy Summers, and Tracy Powers...   more people i immediately recognized, but without a clue that i did.

They are good people.  i knew they were then, know they are now.


Michael Panck was immediately recognible, but i never felt right... Steven Johnson was recognized one day when we became friends...  i thought that he was like me then, i knew he was like me.

and for that day, we were good friends.

Tabitha and John were either run out by me, or quit on their own accord, i'll ask mom some day...  but their friend, im still thinking she was a Christa, took over.

My sister and I liked her a lot, and she wasnt overly religious like the other two were.

she had a cool little dog, like the dog in wishbone, who liked to play on the playground at our school as much as we did.

annnnd then she had to leave...  we had several other sitters after her until we had Mindy and Brian some time by second or third grade.

Though school was still evil, and something had to be changed. I felt that maybe i could show them that their way of conflict doesnt have to be so harmful to each other, in first grade of course.

i had primarily one friend, Jesse Grimm.  Jesse and I stuck together, chatted all about whatever and nothing, and pretty much formed a group of ours that hung out at recess.

Recess was cool, i dont remember that in kindergarden. recess made school a little more worthwhile.  and so did lunch, but not so much the seating.   i hated then, much as i do now, crowded places.

i remember jesse telling me that there was a "move that can make people puke called the heimlich manuver".  which we thought would be useful against bullies...  haha.   "you jsut grab them under the stomach and pull real hard and fast", i remember that much pretty clearly...    makes you wonder what's REALLY important in the world...  ok maybe that's jsut me...


so anyways, greg, someone from the grade above us who liked to harass kids smaller than him, was pretty much "our" bully you could say.   except we feared his friend ryan more so.

so one day he's running us aroudn the playground, and we're both thinking it'd be funny to make the bully puke, so i turned around and ran to him, which actually shocked him, he was quite surprised, even considered turning around. i ran past him and turned and grabbed his stomach and lifted him up.....    and he laughed...  so hard.


i tried twice, in quick concession (im thinking im going to die, and i want to get in and out as fast as possible) so i didnt put enough force in it, he only laughed, and we ran like chickens.   actually, i dont remember if he ever stopped.

I dont remember who was my first grade teacher, and i dont have that year's class pictures...  it sucks.    there was a crazy girl in that class, Sarah   ju  uh  something that started with a J...    she was wild and untamed, and yet unlike the other kids who were only mildly out of control (though socially abusive, all of them) she was different, she wasnt bad, and i was intimidated by her.    i didnt LIKE her, girls were icky till the end of fourth grade, but i recognized her.

i didnt recognize the recognition, so i didnt know what i was feeling every time she acted out, but i think it was respect.


aanyways, i cant remember any of that now, on to second grade!



My teacher was hot!  to a kid my age she wa spretty.  maybe cute even, but purely aesthetically to a second grader.

Mrs. Duitsman was the prettiest teacher a second grade teacher a kid could ever ask for.  she was a fun teacher, and i learned a lot from the second grade.

i didnt have strange recognitions of many students after then.   i recognized Jessica Schnider, and one of the other teachers i met that year.

Made friends that year, dont remember much else. i think we moved to the duplex that year, it was pretty uneventful i think.

Third grade sucked.  Mrs Clayton wasnt a bad teacher, but i believe she held too much pride in her methods, cuz i STILL dont know long division for shit...  and didnt take on the next level of multiplication that year, in spite of multiple requests for help.

Karan Cunningham was familiar that year. I  never understood why at the time, but she was rather violent, i think i heard that she had lukemia. i dont remember, but she was in a Rip City magazine issue, you might be able to find info about her.
Crystal Fowler, from pre-school, makes her debut in my story again in third grade (maybe first too, i dont remember who all was there), so i became familiar with the feeling of recognition. I wondered why i recognized connie ballard.  i thought maybe the recognition meant she was going to be my girlfriend, even though i had no interest in that sort of thing.  so i talked to her.  other than i found her fascenating because she was older than me and had lots of interesting experiences, i couldnt understand why i recognized her.

My first true blue genuine friend was made in third grade.  Jorey Joshua Jones, gotta love the three j's.  i thought that made him awesome.   crazy little bugger he was too, he was cool.  In third grade i was growing more familiar with recognition, because i was beginning to recognize kids from all over school more often and the kids in my class became familiar enough that recognizing them didnt seem out of place.   but i do recall being particularaly familiar with connie and karan.

Sarah Jorgensen joins my third grade class (i remember her name now cuz i am looking at pictures to help bring up memories) but that innate instinctual recognition had not changed.   i wasnt as weirded out by it by then though so never thought twice about it again. Megan Roosevelt was also familiar, but i didnt like her, cant say why.


Sometime now, my sister and i have had about 8 babysitters, we're either with mindy or denise right now. i dont remember.

we liked mindy the first time she was hired, she was sweet and cheerful and nice and her husband had a sega genesis which was auto-cool.

after mindy came denise.

Denise has a daughter, Shayla.  she is bipolar, but we never knew it, in fact didnt find out till about 3 or 4 years ago.

But it was apparent even back then, we all knew there was something up with her behavior, but we did our best to work with her.

she was a flip flop. you could frown at her and she'd be in tears, and then immediately play some dumb slapstick and put her in stitches with giggles.

she wasnt a bad kid but had her tantrums.   she and meg usually double teamed me though. naturally.


we had others between denise and the next time around with mindy.  not that i can remember well what sitters we've been through.

god, what happened to that family i remember?  shit, no time for that! gotta put up with life!
Mindy, the second time around, was a mooch, and fatter, and lazier.


Brian was probably worse.


they showed us a pic of when mindy wa thin...


i wonder if it was photoshopped?

Their daughter Kindy, was a pain in the ass.   everything she said or did was right, everything we called her out on resulted in tantrums and violent fits, and no one was to dicipline her but her parents, god save the poor soul who did otherwise.

then they were given a mazda truck by my mother to help brian with work.   i think they did well for a while.  we were sort of friends wit hthem, even though we constantly talked about them behind their backs, we helpped them out till they lost their kids and all sorts of shit came down with social services and what not, i dont remember how all that went down.


all i know is we got the mazda back from them and gave it to Becky and Marv some years down the road.

Mrs. Benny's fourth grade class was pretty fuckin' awesome. enter Chuck Lucke.  an acquaintence for about 3 years now, and friend for at least one, he lived across the fence in the blue appartments behind the duplex.

the chainlink fence was all that separated us really.  so we didnt visit much or anything, and i was too young and dumb to realize that the way across the fence was just up the street from the neighborhood less than 1/16 a mile...

but we had fun chatting from across the fence, it was like an internet experience actually, but without the anonymity and computers.   so i guess it was just pretty much live instant messaging...    though occasionally we would get out parents' permissions to cross the fence   hahaha  we'd just climb right over and that was that.

There was a nice tree in our back yard, a good friend for the 8 or 9 years we lived there.


so anywyas, chuck is now in my fourth grade class.   we've spent time playing at recesses in the past, and now we were in the same class, kickass, score one for chuck and david.

not long into the year, we get two new students, Jesse Murrain, and Curt Schwartz.

We were doing group projects that day, and mrs. benny wanted to know which groups would get the new kids.

chuck and i had simultanious thoughts, and rose our hands for curt, cuz we thought he was cool instantly. there was only one other black kid in that class, and it was morrigan arnold.   i liked her, and probably recognized her too, but wouldnt know it.   actually, i dont remember them, but they're in the pictures, were vanessa and nicole, who are also darker skinned (NOT THAT any of this actually matters, but all my classes were all white kids).

so we thought it was cool that two new kids who werent white were in our class.


Curt went to another group, so we rose our hands for jesse and got him.  and we three had become friends since then.  Jesse is part Blackfoot and pretty aggressive.  he's pretty awesome, and well diciplined.   wey higher level than me, this dude's got a lot of influences in his life, and makes for perhaps the best one in mine.  he was like a dog and could smell weakness, and i never wanted to admit any and had to keep it in my head that i was better than him, for some reason.  i never understood that, i think he brought it out of me actually.  but i respected him above all else.   after time we were a group, and everyone refered to us as all three of us.   good times, truly.

Stephanie flemming and jesse became friends too, and sometimes she'd hang out with us, but i think that started up more in 5'th grade.


for now, we were just 3 guys hanging out every day and beating each other up (not really but subtly, slugs to the arm and indian burns, ya know?)

Toward the end of the year, i started noticing a girl...  jsut the one, my first crush, and i didnt know what to do about it, didnt know how to react, didnt understand what i was feeling, and didnt want anyone to know.


so no one knew that i even had a crush till the end of fifth grade.

but for now, it's almost summer time, school's almost out, let's go to the fountain with Denise!

Tualitin, hot day, fountains.   i remember being there, in the little wading pool, that i dont think we were *supposed* to get in, but i dont remember, we got out, and...  i cant tell ya, i dont remember.  though i KNOW we were playing in the fountains, i cant recall.


though i KNOW i slipped and fell and hit my head, i dont remember anything after the wading pool, and seeing people on paddle boats.



so i guess i slipped and fell, hit my head, got a concussion, got a hairline fracture, got a huge bump on the back of my head.

i think i missed a few days of school? i dont remember...   but i got glasses shortly after that, because i couldnt read the board anymore.


and a few weeks later, it felt like my ears swelled up, like when you get water in them, except i was just waking up, just yawned, and *pop*  "AW CRA!"  "oh no..." "oh, noo..."   mom woke up "what are you going on about?!" "nothing..."


aaand just like that, i was deaf and didnt even know it.


so im back in school but something is TERRIBLY different, everyone is talking to each other and saying things and acknowledging these strange words, and laughing and smiling and having a good time, while i am struggling just to understand what their private conversations are about.   i couldnt eavesdrop anymore! wtf?


not that i knew what that word meant, or what the action itself was, i just couldnt understand what it was that everyone ELSE knew that i DIDNT...   they could talk to each other, but i kept having to ask "huh?".


what is this big secret everyone has that i cant know?!


ARGH!  oh well i need to focus on class anyways, just read hte board and keep on learning...  nevermind hte fact that it seems like everyone in the world is playing a huge prank on you, nevermind the fact that everyone seems to be in on some huge secret, and can talk to each other without any trouble, but i cant, nevermind that, just focus on school...

ARGH! what NOW?  even the teacher isnt being clear!   ugh, just focus harder.


so i did, but had trouble hearing what the teacher said.   the class noise levels were ungodly higher than i remember, even the smallest noises distorted speach, i couldnt hear whenever someone got a drink from the fountain, or shuffled papers about.  

Hmm fuinny, i dont remmeber that constant humming tone noise where's that coming from? sounds like country (mom litened to a lot of country back then...)

"monday which was never good anyway, tuesday..."  i know this song, it's in my head!  haha i didnt think songs ACTUALLY got stuck!


later that night *humming tones and buzzing staticy noises dont stop*  i liked the song better.



i also did "we will rock you" in my head in the beginning, i soon realized that the sound was all in my head (IM NOT CRAZY I KNOW IM NOT I CANT TELL ANYONE BOUT HTE NOISE IN MY HEAD [thoughts going through a fourth grader's head when he makes the realization that he's nuts]), and it was not going to stop.


i have had a LOT of trouble sleeping since then.


So yeah, fuck you, if you think im even going to think about telling anyone i have a CRUSH on a GIRL in my CLASS!


shame too, she was so cute and everything and    i really dropped the ball on that one, nay the ball came flying at me like a bullet, crushed my skull, and stole part of my eyesight and hearing, and whatever confidence a 4'th grader could have had built up in his lifetime.   which wasnt much, considering my past.


So Raeanna Wilson was the first girl i was ever attracted to, and until 7'th grade, the only girl i had ever been attracted to.

In fifth grade, Chuck and Jesse are in my class again.  and so is Raeanna...    things got worse for me, still unaware that i have a hearing loss, but becoming aware of it, i turn to my mom and ask her to have my hearing tested.


she complained and argued every step of the way that i did not have a hearing loss.

the tests they did in school only tested for high range loss, the most common, and practically only type of loss. the quacks she took me to only tested my ability to hear tuning forks and the common loss ranges, but my hearing was meanwhile getting worse.


low frequency sounds, sounds which were not tested for as much at the time, were growing fainter and fainter, and speach was becoming more and more alien to me.

finally, a professional hearing test is administered in 6'th grade, huzzah!


all of fifth grade was a struggle to listen to the teacher over the cacaphony of an unruly untamed 5'th grade class (we drove her to sabatical), and a struggle with inner emotions and understanding them, to no avail.

my friends seemed to abandon me, jesse took up dating, chuck moved away from town, and all that was left was me.   everyone else was somehow an enemy and a threat to me, and they made no efforts to show otherwise most the time.


I had unnecessary negativity toward Stephanie because she had dated jesse, i felt like she took a friend from me.    but i liked her, she wasnt a bad person and was easy to talk to,  actually i didnt think of her as a girl, that's probably why i could talk to her at all...


i couldnt talk to any of the other girls, least of all raeanna.    it didnt matter how much i beat myself up over that, i still couldnt even look her in the eye.

so fifht grade tanked out, sixth grade tanked out, but at least we got a professional hearing test, and found out that i have a reverse curve hearing loss, so rare that there might be at most 2000 americans who have this type of loss.

Hearing aides dont help, this special little mic. that the teachers clip on were only turned off cuz i didnt want to be in school anyways, even thought they worked pretty well...

since i wasnt learning very much that was new in 6'th grade, i pretty much slept through every class.   i wasnt living so much as i was being alive.

every heart beat was a dreadful reminder that life sucked, and wasnt getting any better.


ever since i lost my hearing, i had lost my connection to society, as a good thing.   ever sine i lost my hearing, all i could see was debt, poverty, and homelessness in the future.   and everyone else was blind to it.   the secret they all shared, the secret they kept from me, the secret that set us apart, was that they were blathering, unaware, selfish, ungrateful, irresponsible cretins.

Though it was abundantly apparent that no one person was responsibile for their own ineptitude, that it was a social norm, a common influence.  to common.  but there was nothing i could do.



so from the end of 4'th grade until...  well it hasnt changed, the world is entering economic collapse, just as i had seen it would, and still people are none the wiser.

in 7'th grade i called it quits, we were going over stuff i learned in 4'th grade, that was the last straw.  i refused to work with the public school system, and pushed to get into home schooling.

In december i wrote up a stupid little note and coded it using a default alphabet decoder and an altered alphabet, and wrote a note to raeanna telling her that i liked her.    

i tried to give it to her, but couldnt even approach her, i tried to figure out a way to put it somewhere she would get it for sure, but couldnt think of anything.


then i saw her at her locker on the last day before christmas break. so on the last day, i decided to put it there.

slipped it in through the vent and walked away.



Someone else got ahold of it.


someone in one of my classes.


someone it wasnt meant for.  working on decoding it.


he did a fine job too, im sure, i dont care, i resent him.


by the end of the day, i had three people laugh at me and make fun of me and carelessly throw my feelings around like their personal toy.


thankfully it was only one day, at the END of the day.


too bad i dont know if Raeanna ever got the note.


after 6'th grade, mom wanted a home.   not the duplex we were living in, a real house.  we moved into Western Wagon Village outside of Aurora some time in '98 i believe...   was it november, friday the 13'th, 2008?  i believe it was...


just before the end of 7'th grade, we had moved into our new house, and public school was never again a part of my personal life.




Backing up, we need to talk about becky.  she is one of my closest friends, and a friend of the family.


After 4'th grade, and one last round with denise as a sitter, mom found becky.


Becky had two daughters who were very young, 2 and 3 at the time i believe, or 3 and 4, just turned 3....    so it was a bit rough on her daughters at night when they went home, so becky tried to work for mom without having to bring her daughters with her.

but it didnt work that well, she had to take them with her most of the time.

and i was being an asshole.   i had lsot my hearing and didnt know it, and could only see how stupid the world was, and wasnt faring well with a social life either, i destroyed a lot of my toys with a hammer, and damn near ran becky off from what i hear, but she stopped and thought "i aint gonna let some punk kid run me out". and im glad she did.   she stood up to my bullshit and cut through the crap.  regardless of weather or not i was right, i still had to learn to be respectful (for some reason, i still dont know yet).

so becky started laying the dicipline down and did her best to keep me in line.   of course, meanwhile, i am doing my best to stick it to authority by any means necessary (or maybe that's not the right word, but i sure gave it my all).


one summer, i believe it was after 5'th or 6'th grade, everyone got the brilliant idea that we send me to boot camp.


becky was excited enough to take me under her wing and beat some respect into me, so we aptly named it becky's boot camp.


so maybe i didnt go to an actual boot camp, but i did help put up an acre perimiter fence, take care of the girls, mow the property, and in general do a lot of grunt work for becky and marv.

it worked well enough, for the most part, at least it taught me to ACT respectfully, i still havent FELT any sense of respect for many people in this world, so i dunno where they get off demanding it...    more to the collapse of economics i guess...   long live poverty!


aanyways, becky was our sitter for hte longest time, no one else lasted as long as she did, and even still, she remains a close friend of the family.


she worked for mom until i was 13 or so, and my sister was 10 or 11.

then we started taking care of ourselves, mostly.   though honestly this is where i begin to lose all chances of having a life in this world.

the first half year was alrightm not too shabby.  me and meg start forming a tighter relationship and get to know each other better.  we start fighting over captioning though, cuz now that it is accepted that i actually CANT hear well, i'd like to still enjoy TV...    even if no one else can!   everyone hates closed captions, so i have to fight to be able to enjoy TV, oh well, TV sucks anyways.    i liked it back then though...

unfortunately you can take the kid out of the bastard but you cant take the bastard out of the kid, and i screwed up big time while mom was at work and there was no one to supervise us.


i slacked off, didnt do much anything i didnt feel like doing, and meg pretty much picked up my slack around the house.   at least she had sense to.

i had no reason to want to contribute to anything that was not to my ideal, so i destroyed anything that served to prevent my ideal lifestyle.   starting with my toys, but we got past that, now im trying my best to impress the parental figures, so as to retain that im not a complete bastard, but really, im not doing so hot.

Meg has to do pretty much all the chores, i take out the garbage (sometimes) and begrudgingly do the dishes, after a lot of arguing.

i vacuum, grudgingly but inconsistently pull weeds, and that's about it.


otherwise im busy bitching about the world on the internet.   totally slacking off, not doing anything with my life, but im sure learning a lot of neat stuff online!   cant even keep track of all the things i've researched and looked up and discussed on forums...

but it's all pretty useless.

and so is this blog.


but yeah i'll post more on the story some other time, for now, mock me as you wish, you damned cretins.