Song: Fall Back Into My Life by Amber Pacific

It's Britney, bitch . . . Okay, not so much, but ahhhh it feels good to be back in the blog realm.  I can't believe it's been like 6 months since I've written a blog.  Anyone still here or did everyone give up on me?  Internet is up and running, though I can't figure out how to configure my wireless card to hook up with my modem and do it's thing.  I hate wires!!!  But I hate not having the internet more, so I'll deal with the inconvenience of wires. 

So what to write about my first day back?  Well, I just finished reading about a mom in NY who got tired of her 10 and 12 year old daughters fighting in the backseat of the car, so she pulled over and ordered them out.  The article goes that the woman drove off, the 12 year old left the 10 year old and started walking (they were only 3 miles away from home in a suburb, not downtown), then the 10 year old started crying and a meddling driver stopped and called police.  Well the mom by this time had driven around the block thinking her girls had learned their lesson, only she discovered her girls were no longer there.  So she drove home to get her husband and they went out searching together.  For whatever reason they could not find the girls so she called the police, who said the girls were fine and when the mom went to pick them up the mom was arrested.  Here are my thoughts on this--Matt, if you're reading this, I apologize beforehand for my bashing of the news industry, I know you do your best and you're not a journalistic idiot:

As a single parent of a 6 year old daughter I have driven off without her when she refused to get in the car because she was too hell bent on throwing a tantrum over not wanting to leave wherever we were at (Grandma's house of course).  I only drove a few feet and stopped, but I in no way ever let her leave my sight from my rearview mirror.  I also made her walk to me--I didn't go to her.  She knows I mean business when I tell her to get in the car now.  She also knows that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not tolerate it.  Kids need to learn who is boss and if the parent gives in to their kids' whining or whatnot, they will never learn from their own actions.  My daughter and I constantly talk about actions and consequences.  She gets in trouble and I tell her what she did wrong and tell her what the consequence will be for her choice of action.  She then has another choice of whether she will then listen or whether she wants to take the consequence. 

I am only 27 but I swear I was born in the wrong decade.  I only wish that children were as respectful of their parents now as they were back in the days my parents and grandparents talk about.  Unfortunately the fucking government has taken parental rights to discipline our children and some new age generationalists decided to fuck with the system and make up all these laws and say that spanking is a form of child abuse.  And then the internet came along and stories spread faster than wildfire of random big hyped stories of kids getting kidnapped and raped one after the other.  And even though six months would go by before the next case, they would drown us in court trials and bullshit from the first one--not to mention they would inject little stories of other kidnappings in the process--making it seem like kidnappings were this big huge thing that was growing into a serious problem even though this shit has been going on for a hundred years.  The news these days should not be called 'news' at all--it should be 'The Crime Report for the Day', followed by 'Project Failing Economy', followed by a bit of weather and sports to help alleviate the paranoia the previous reports just gave you before you go to bed so you don't have nightmares.  Stories are sensationalized and blown up.  The media leaves out information either on purpose (take the war in Iraq for example, but that's a whole other blog that I think I've already covered) or because they're just morons who didn't finish their homework on a story.  Internet stories are like children playing a game of 'telephone'.  It starts as truth from the firsthand source and the story has completely changed by the time it gets around the circle.  The media then dramatizes the story, includes inaccurate quotes from people that really have no idea what's going on, and people read it and believe it.  A kid can't even fall down and break an arm without the emergency room sizing up the parent thinking of child abuse.  It's all ridiculous and I am so outraged that people are meddling idiots and they think every tidbit of a little something should be turned into such a big deal.  I seriously think that some people want to make mountains of molehills for the thrill of creating drama and looking like the hero and possibly getting their name in the news.  Mind your own fucking kids!  More than likely they're running rampant either in front of you or secretly behind your back.  There is no right or wrong way to parent (other than real child abuse/neglect).  There's only what fits and works for the child.  Every kid is different and I SO do NOT believe in ADD or ADHD.  Most of the time kids act up simply because they want attention--and if they aren't getting good attention, they will go for whatever attention they can get and we all know where that leads. 

Song: Better Late Than Forever by Allister

OMFG!  I cannot believe I was actually able to get on the internet tonight.  I've been leeching since I moved here in May because you basically cannot get any service out here in the 'docks so what's a girl to do?  After election night for some reason the connection went haywire and I have rarely been able to get on since.  I swear it's a conspiracy because you can sure as hell bet I had something to say about the election!  But all that anger and irritation has dissipated and now all I have to say is the freaking idiots of this nation have single handedly handed the world to the devil on a silver platter.  I am ashamed of my generation and the younger generation before me that was able to vote this year.  It seems that was the heart of who voted for the inevitable mess that is sure to come.  But at least I can bitch and complain because I sure as hell voted and you know it wasn't for Obama!  There I said my piece on that and that's all I have left on that subject.

I am no longer in the caveman ages--one of my best friends from Indiana found out I still don't have a digital camera so he bought me an early Christmas present--a Canon PowerShot.  This little sucker is great!  It takes the clearest pictures I have ever seen and I haven't even learned all the tricks of it yet.  I am excited but at the same time worried because now I wonder if I will ever print pictures again.

I have a different viewpoint on gas prices now as the same friend pointed something very interesting out to me that I had never thought of before.  Everybody bitches and complains about gas prices being so high (well, not lately though) but think about this--how can a 20 oz. bottle of carbonated sugar water (Sprite) cost upwards of $2 (depending on where you get it) but yet a gallon of gas (which oil is drilled from the ground in a foreign country, then either refined there or shipped overseas to us to be refined--which is very expensive--and then trucked to different gas stations) we think should cost equal to or less than the $2 sugar water?  Seriously the cost of gasoline should be high for the cost that it takes to produce it and that 20 oz Sprite should cost mere pennies.  I mean it's nice that the price has gone down but I see the other side of it now.  It puts a whole new perspective on things.  See, I can change my mind on something controversial if I understand it!

I love living where I live because it's one of the safest towns to live in in this area, but then again the reason it is so safe there is a cop on every block it seems.  This has decided to pose a problem after over a year of living here.  A few weeks ago I got pulled over because the red cap had come off my tail light, and had shifted down just enough that you can see a bit of white.  I've known about this since last year but I played dumb and my daughter helped out in her charming way by asking 'why did you pull my mommy over?'.  He let me go and just told me I needed to get it fixed as soon as possible.  I have custom tail lights on my car and they go for about $300 or more for a pair, and they only come in pairs, so fixing it right now is pretty much out of the question.  Two weeks later I get pulled over again in the exact same spot (just a couple hundred yards from my apartment complex) after a late night at my mom's and the officer says that he was two cars behind me and he'd noticed I had been riding the right side of the lane a little close and was there any reason why?  WTF?!  It's not that I was weaving in and out or crossing the center line or even close to the center line--nooo, I was riding the right side too close.  I didn't know there was such a thing.  I explained to him it was late and I was just tired (I didn't tell him that was just how I drive cause you never know when an idiot in the other lane is going to be driving too close to my lane).  He shined his flashlight in my backseat and saw my daughter sleeping in the back and said 'well, just let me see your license' and then 'have you been drinking?'  Again, WTF?  I told him no (which I'm sure if my daughter hadn't been in the car he would have told me to step out of the car and given me a breathalyzer which wouldn't have been a problem because I really hadn't been drinking) and then he looked at my license and said 'well, it says you're a safe driver, so just drive safe' and handed my license back.  I have no idea why he couldn't find something better to do like pull someone over that was really breaking the law.  Whatever.

Those are my adventures--better late than never.  Dunno if or when this thing will let me back on but hopefully it won't be almost another two months before I can blog again.  Hope everyone is well.

Song: Addicted by Simple Plan

Originally this song title went to Amy Winehouse (cause even though the girl is crazy, she can freaking sing!) but after I downloaded and heard the song--I decided against it.  Anyways . . . addictions.  While my mom took Kila for an overnight, I went and saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist at the movies tonight (good flick, left me feeling drunk though I was sober and wanting to do something a little risky and crazy) and afterward I went to Wal-Mart where I discovered I had lost the coupons I had printed off the computer and I have no idea where they are.  Granted this was a little after midnight, so I was not going to go on some major hunt for the damn coupons.  BUT, I also discovered they were out of radishes and I was also out of radishes, so luckily there is another Wal-Mart within at least a 3 mile radius, so I hopped in my car and drove to the other Wal-Mart for the sole purpose of getting those damn radishes.  They now sit safely tucked in my refrigerator.  Now THAT, my friend, is a freaking addiction.  I don't think I would even go that far to buy a pack of cigarettes if I were out.

The other night I laid my little head on my pillow and before I took the two eyes that complete my four eyes off (uh, my glasses for those that didn't get it) I took a look around my dark bedroom (even though it isn't all that dark because I have a nightlight in the living room that's right next to the hallway to my bedroom and I have another nightlight in my bathroom that's connected to my bedroom so I don't knock myself out in case I run into the doorjamb . . . again) and as I'm looking around the strangest feeling comes over me--I will not physically have gone anywhere when I fall asleep, but I will no longer consciously be in my bedroom because I'll be in lalaland, lost in my own dreams.  I mean, it sounds wacky I know, but seriously think about it.  Nothing will have moved or gone, except your mind deep into your subconscious.  'Tis a bit creepy to me . . . and then my daughter came into my room and almost scared the piss out of me when she said 'REDRUM'.  Okay, so she didn't really say that (I finally saw 'The Shining' when I was like 18, I don't get the big deal), but she has come into my room and all of a sudden I wake up and she's just standing there, then bursts into tears when I yell at her because she tells me she wants a drink when I ask her what she's doing.  She's 5, she knows where the cup is and how the faucet works.

The other day I got so excited--I saw some leaves changing colors . . . or at least I thought I did until I realized the tree was just dead.  There's only one tree that I have ever seen change colors in the fall in FL and it's right by my mom's condo.  I miss the colorful fall foliage back home, so if anybody has any pictures send some my way.  Fall is my favorite time of year.  The air is crisper and cooler, the hoodies and sweatshirts start popping out, fireplaces and bonfires start up, and the smells are absolutely wonderful.  Granted I love spring too, especially because I hate winter so much (damn cold), but there's something especially exciting about fall.

This year will be the first year I have ever voted since this gift was bestowed upon me when I turned 18.  I've been either too apathetic or too scared that I would vote for the wrong person (therefore I would be partially to blame if the president turned out to suck) to vote before.  But this year I have to make a stand because Osama (oops, a little play on words there--on purpose) I mean Obama cannot be allowed to win.  Now, I don't like everything about McCain, but the key points that Obama has are not in my best interests.  I could care less about abortion rights or allowing gay marriages.  I am pro life unless a child is conceived by rape or some other atrocity.  I am against gay marriage, however.  Life was not intended to be same sex--otherwise what would the purpose be of a woman having a vagina that a man could poke with his stick, hmm?  Assholes were only meant to be able to take a shit, period.  If Obama gets elected we'll be well on our way to socialism, and that's only a step away from communism.  Plus the guy wants to be sworn in on a Karan (sp?).  That's the fucking Islamic Bible!  Everything that we've been fighting for the past five or six years at least!  At this rate I view Obama to be the Antichrist and I do not want the Antichrist as my president.

Song: I Love Your Existence by Goot (this is an independent musician whose music is not found on the 'What I'm Listening To' search, therefore an album will not be listed)

To talk about my next blog I should probably give a little background info first.  The apartment complex I live in is the only apartment complex in the area I live.  This makes things rather interesting because the complex is surrounded by half a million to million dollar homes and apparently from what I heard at school today from one of the moms that is getting divorced and had to move into an apartment from one of these homes, this is a big social divide and some kids are apparently shunned by other kids just because they live in an apartment complex.

I have longed to be one of those moms that drive those big expensive SUVs for no real reason other than to show off the fact that my husband has a fucking swell ass job.  I envy those stay at home moms who drop their kid off at school and then go home to a gorgeous outrageously big house and get to lounge around and fuck off all day if they want.  Not that I would--I would find something that actually makes me happy like finishing my novel or going back to school to achieve my dream of opening my own publishing company.  I wouldn't be able to sit around all day and do nothing.  Then again the divorce rate is insanely high around this area I've found as well.

All that being said--I met one of those moms the other day, not to say that she would be one of those that judged by where I lived because I don't know her, but just the stereotypical suburban mom that is doted on so heavily in movies.  Her daughter is in Kila's class at school and she stopped me on my way out after I dropped Kila off and apparently our daughters have become good friends in the few short weeks school has been in session.  She looked like an actress right off the set of 'Desperate Housewives'--insanely beautiful and blonde, probably even more beautiful without any makeup, a perfect Barbie specimen.  Turns out she drives a more than standard version of the Toyota Sequoia as this one had some nice rims going on.  I almost had to pinch myself--am I really talking to someone that I've never envisioned existed in real life, but thought only existed in movies?  Me?!  Single mom me that stresses to pay her bills every month--talking to a fantasy?  This is rather weird for me to say the least.  I thought by moving into this apartment complex it would make me feel richer than I am--which it does for the most part when I look at what I am surrounded by.  But I was perfectly content in my own imagination, playing my own game.  But it exists!  It really does exist!

Song: What Do You See? by Dexter Freebish

The other night I sat down to dinner with my five year old daughter grinning at me across the pub style Espresso colored table and I could almost hear the question pouring out of her eyes--'Mommy, what do you see when you look at me?'  Well, my sweet child, I see so much but here is a short answer to the unasked question you seek.

I see your father's dimple set so beautifully in your cherubic soft cheeks, under blue eyes that everyone says is the only feature you have that you get from me.  I see the hurt behind those eyes, through that impish grin, the hurt that I will never be able to heal as an absent father would.  I see the argumentative side of your personality just like his--the one that never gives up, even when proven wrong.  

'Yes, Mommy, but what ELSE do you see?'

I see the twinkle and the life that God put into your eyes.  I see the wonder and awe of being a parent everytime I look into your little face.  I see a person who makes me love as though my heart would burst.  I see your strengths and your weaknesses--'Put that cookie down, you haven't finished your dinner' I have to scold.  She laughs mischieviously as she silently encourages me to go on.  I see a beautiful soul, so innocent and trusting.  I see greatness beyond words as my hopes for you are so high. 

'What do you see when you see me, my child?' I ask.

'I see my mommy and I see love,' she says, 'what else is there to see?'

Song: Storm Clouds by Samiam

Hey everybody, this blog will be short and sweet.

Just wanted to let everyone know that the tiny area where I am miraculously got the least of Tropical Storm Fay.  We were expected to get the worst as it was supposed to pass right over us from the west coast.  However it went down to the Melbourne area first and spent a couple of days there then the center moved SLOWLY north-northeast and went a few miles offshore before directly running over us finally on Thursday.  The eye stayed on us for almost a day, while pounding everywhere else with rain.  For those that don't know--the eye is the best place to be because it's pretty calm and lazy.  Tuesday and Wednesday nights were the worst for us.  Tuesday evening the rain started pouring buckets around 5:30 pm and didn't stop until around 11:00 that night.  The wind was insane--I compare it to being on a motorcycle going down the highway . . . while standing still.  The same happened on Wednesday night.  But in between it wasn't so bad--just drizzles here and there.  Somebody must have been praying hard in the Daytona Beach area that's all I can say because it's amazing to me how this was the best place to be in the whole state!  But thank you to everyone that inquired about my well being--as you can tell I am great--until I'm sure when I go to the beach and find it eroded away. :-(

Song: Stay Together For the Kids by blink-182

Let's face it--it's hard to be a parent.  But being a single parent is double the trouble.  You move along doing the best you can but there's always someone that comes behind you and says 'you need to do this' or 'you should do that this way'. 

I feel so judged when Kila and I hang out with my family.  They all scrutinize her behavior then my reactions, then they tell me what they think I should do different.  Freaking I can only do so much, I get worn down and there is no second parent rescue.  I think I do an all right job and everyone tells me what a sweetheart and awesome child Kila is, so can someone tell me what I am doing wrong--why does my family feel I should be doing something different?  Yes, she is going to throw temper tantrums.  Yes, she is going to be defiant.  My brother and sister both think that they would have their child under control.  I would love to see that.  It isn't about how you control or discipline your child so much as it's about the child's personality and ability to process information.  Every child deals with stress and anxiety in different ways.  Mine just happens to like to cry at the drop of a hat.  But at least she doesn't hit anyone or throw herself on the floor and kick and scream. 

I thought I was doing an okay job until my mom made me second guess myself tonight.  She just starts in with what I should be doing--like taking Kila to a church where she feels like they're her family.  It's hard enough to get through a day with my mind still in one piece, than to think about making a family with strangers.  Between the discipline and then the love and support and back and forth, it's exhausting.  Not to mention all of the stuff you have to teach your child--sit, walk, talk, eat by him/herself, dress him/herself, use the toilet, swim, ride a bike, read, write, clean up after him/herself, plus the little stuff in between.  And those are just the basics in the first 5-6 years!  Then there's other things like playing nice with his/her friends, being respectful, kind, courteous, compassionate, responsible, teaching different emotions and how to deal with them, and other major life skills like not talking to strangers and look both ways before crossing the street, and so on and so forth.  Now imagine trying to do all that all by yourself.  See where I'm coming from?  There is only so much I can handle of teaching my daughter the skills needed to function in this crazy society.  We touch on everything, but I cannot consistently do all of it all of the time.  I am only one person.  But, I must be doing something right--she's still alive and kicking!

Speaking of churches--I have been trying out a new church down here (new to me anyway), and have gone every Sunday for about a month.  However, I don't believe it's a good fit for me.  I would rather go to church and be seen but not 'seen' if you can understand that.  The people at this new church are overly-friendly.  Nobody can seem to grasp that I have this concept--how can someone be overly friendly?  I'm not shy by any means, but I also don't just break into conversation and sharing life stories with just anyone.  Everyone at this church apparently knows everyone and their brother that goes to the church.  So me being new and all--EVERYONE is coming up and wants to meet the 'new girl'.  The pastor wants me to come over and meet his family and have a sit-down talk.  NO THANKS.  I was raised Catholic and we just don't do that kind of thing.  This is a small Christian church and I like the sermons, but I just feel so hounded.  Plus the kid's church/daycare is kindergarten thru 5th grade so that's really weird too.  It freaks Kila out a bit because she's in this class with all of these older kids.  I think I'm going to have to keep shopping around.  Sucks though because the church is like 5-10 minutes from my house.