I am, of late, taken with the image of a woman I cannot see.  Been a long time since I have been productive in writing.  Blogging and journaling had fallen to the wayside as I have trouble slowing the thoughts long enough to fully explore them on paper or was daunted at the sheer volume of words I would have to type.  And yet, at some point I always break, leaving some little semi-solid  piece of thought behind. 

She is still only a frame.  I may comeback to her or leave her as she is.  Penny for you thoughts if they contain something fun that could further flesh out the bones. 

Hey there Cassandra,

You were born up at the top.

For someone smart enough to win the game

Instead you fled those who were by you besot. 

In effort to know you, they pushed you further away

And you knew you were more than just a prize for his trophy case.

Tell me, did he appear different than the others?

For a moment did you feel you would be content if time stopped?

Was it a moment's flash of truth that caused content to be contempt?

Was it hard to leave the one you thought was different?

Was the punishment of solitude and knowledge beyond your peers

Worth turning your back for principle, holding ignorance's fear?

Would you rather have lied and "loved" him,

Keeping the truth all to yourself?

Instead you upset an apple cart of a carbon copy life,

Breaking expetation without taking a single bite.

Did the masses say you were too loud?  Too openly passionate?

To strong-willed to be of any good? A liar? A false prophet?

Did you ever once point out how often you were right?

Or were you scorned before your due credit on every count?

Did you turn to knowledge because it is not as fickle as human flesh?

Was there even one apology for not coming when you cried out,

As you were were pulled from the womb of indifferent intellect?

As you were ravaged in the only sacred place you had left?

And yet you walked, and yet you saw, and yet you kept in step,

To a destination that you knew held little happiness.

Hey there Cassandra, was living your life worth it?

 

So I went to College Station the weekend of my birthday and faced alot of the past.  It was crazy really.  I saw that a place that so drastically altered the path of my life almost didn't remember I existed.  but then there I was. . .under the motorcycle in Freebird's on Northgate.  Kris and Philip and Liz were here Bonfire '97.  Almost 11 years...Boy, am I a completely different person. . .hopefully most of us are.  Lots has changed since that year.  For one, there is no more Bonfire as it once was.  There is no more Philip in my life. . . My first great love. Liz and I have not talked in 8 or so years.  I wonder where she is.  She played such a major role my sophomore and junior years of high school. She was already fading from my life by the point but I was holding on as hard as I could.

By that Sunday, I was a sad sap sack.  Poor Mark, he was totally great to me, letting me wallow in sorrow for the weekend. 

And then came Monday and a brighter outlook crept in long before I was even really aware.  By Wednesday a long missing mojo was working in my favor.  I was not doing very well at work but other than a total lack of focus in the career zone everything else went well.  Then came this weekend.  Uncle Girl road tripped with her "neice and nephew"--before Leslie gets a thousand emails, these 2 belong to a very close friend.  The trip made me re-examine life, yet again.  What exactly do I want. . .who do I want to be.  See there are some opportunites showing up almost a whole country away and I am debating pursuing them. 

So as I looked at letting go and growing up this weekend, I suddenly became who I used to be--but only for a few moments.  A few moments was enough to make what at first appeared to be a mistake but now I think it was a sign that it might be time to go.  See I have tried to leave this place and change who I am time and time again but I am starting to think that maybe I was not accepting who I was and running from things I did not yet understand.  I might actually be at a point in my life where I am ready to do something new.  A new place, a new relationship, a new responsibility...I am not really sure what is coming down the pipeline but I smell that fresh smell that shows up just before the rain.  Rain has never been a bad thing to me.  I love the sound of thunder, flash of lightning, and the feel of the rain on my face. Whatever is about to fall into my life I am totally ready to take an active role in it when it gets here. 

Yeah--I am not unhappy, I am not ashamed of who I am or the choices I have made and I am not really concerned about what you think of that.  So why blog about it?  Cause I don't get to see the ones of you I would like to share this with often enough. 

Recently I was talking to a friend and I was reminded of his rules. See he feels that when we go out I should bring lots of "hot" [read: loose] friends with me.  He feels I should pimp the females out to him. While I never 'ho'ed my friends, I decided to turn the tables once and was told that I wasn't allowed to hit on his friends because the idea of one of his friends hooking up with me was highly disturbing.  Can we say double standard?

Why do guys feel this way? 

Same note with slight variance--Recently Carguy asked where Sybil was because he missed her.  I said that she never hung out much on my side of town I usually went over there.   He expressed sadness because he wanted to set Syb up with somebody. . .What about me?  He doesn't know anyone I am compatible with. All my guy friends keep me to themselves.  They never know anyone that would get along with me as well as he does but none of them wish to date--this is not bad, I do not care to date the majority of them but why are boys so selfish about me?

"You have weird friends," she said as we scrolled though the MySpace friend pot.  You think that's weird!?!?!?  If only you could see all my friends in reallife.  There are actors; athletes; originals; posers; topless dancers, bottomless dancers, and dancer lovers; d.j.s and d.j.'s girls; scholars and teachers; humanitarians; former, current, and future 4-Hers; farmers and ranchers; criminal attorneys, public defenders, and lawyers of all types; there are police officers; party girls; special agents; chefs; single moms and single dads; techno geeks and car salesman; club promoters; violinists; musicians; security-style big gun carriers;  (legal) concealed weapon enthusiaists; crossdressers; conservative politicians, and the list could go with variance for days. 

Weird?  My friends are not weird.  That is not what this above list or the myscpace melting pot says about me.  What is says is that I am real.  What it says is even though I self-profess that I pass judgement all the time, I know a good soul when I see one without letting the surface put me off.  Cracked eggs and crackpots are the best I tell you.  Those with something just a little off about them are not always the great evil stalking the earth.  I love the variety I see.  I love the way variety feels.  And while I may not be able to get all my friend to behave and get along with one another that's alright by me--and the explanation of why I celebrate my birthday throughout the month and not just one day.   

So here is the black and white of what I am feeling.  If you haven't seen me in a while I have recently gained some serious poundage--and no, I am not pregnant.  Just updating my site today, I saw 3 dating websites.  Yes this is all connected, just stay with me a little longer.  You see my baby sister got married this year and that has caused the some illogical thoughts on my part.  Now my mom and dad have each other, Les has her man and the rest of my family has always been so peripheral in my life that they are not exactly the first people I call.  Now Jax is spectacular but he is the only constant companion that I have.  All that know me should be aware by now that I am not a solitary person but as my friends in the area carry on with there lives I am finding myself alone more and more.  So about last fall I started to try meeting people through the net. 

Now I should add that with my general personality quirks and lack of group hobbies, there are very few groups I can join to meet "young singles."  Since I used the term, let me clarify.  I am not looking to get laid and I am not looking for the one, I am just looking for more friends who share or compliment my interests and are single because I got enough people in my life who are paired off and I, by definition, am automatic 3rd wheel.

At the end of 6 months and 3 online services later I decided that it must be
that I was not investing the proper amount of money/time into a classy service so I tried that bit.   My coworker  Ray had told me "You gotta be in it yo win it."

No one seemed to want to take the bait.  I finally removed pictures and this helped.  Then I started letting people see me after the 4th or so correspondence and I would not hear from them again except for the rare--not who I thought you were going to be--remarks. 

Now I am not the most photogenic.  I have been so cursed since I was born but I am not unattractive either.  By April, I could only attract boys who wanted to be men but couldn't get passed the "Do you wanna do it?"  No.  "Okay...howabout now?"  News flash fellows, the harder you push me on the first date and claim that you are looking for more than a physical connection, the more I am going to say no and talk about how ridiculous you are over sushi with my girlfriends.

So here is where the truly perverse creeps into the story.  I guess subconsciously I felt that obviously all this crap is my fault.  Maybe I was not attractive enough to not be intimidating with my sharp wit and razor comic reflexes.  Maybe my stomach had begun to overshadow my spectacular rack.  Maybe one night while I slept I lost all my charisma and charm and ability to flirt.  Now none of this was a cognizant choice.  And today I looked around to see that I had absolutely zero self esteem, I have not put on make up in 3 months (I love makeup by the way because it is something feminine that I am very good at).  I have done nothing of consequence except work and hangout with friends.  Yes, both those activities are very important but I used to plan social outings for large groups, I used to work tons of service projects.  I used to workout.

I have not flirted face to face with someone in 3months.  Those who know me know that is downright crazy and definately a sign of withdrawing from society for me. 

So I did what any self-respecting girl does, I invested in sexy lingerie and very comfortable pjs.  So I am in comfort, I look adorable and tomorrow beneath my uniform, although no one around me will know, I will be a stone fox men would crawl on all fours over hot coals just to look at. 

Screw pop culture and the messed up idealism it has given both men and women about what we are supposed to look like.  Screw you losers who can't get over yourselves and your need to service anyone of your gender preference that walks past.  Screw you for thinking  you could "punish" me.

And screw me for letting you get away with it over the past year. 

I am  not sorry that I met you. . .
I am not sorry that it's over . . .
I am not sorry that there is nothing left to save.



My neighbor popped over for a little visit tonight and before I knew it an hour had passed while we had commisserated about the great injustices of the world.   Strangely enough we were discussing the lack of good men.  I said I had seen one but I was worried he'd be ruined before a good women got him.  That lead me to think further as I finally came in the house and retired to bed.  I realized--sadly-- that he may very well be with a good woman now and what I was really thinking is that he might never be available to the likes of me.  Now let me define the likes of me before all of you write in about my oh so low self esteem.

I prefer my dog's company to most humans because he is completely loyal, always available and never complains about my cooking.  He even pawed at me for making strange noises the other night--a stupid tv show had made me cry and he did not like the sounds of it.   I am extremely intelligent and understand more what humans are capable of then most.  I see the purest of intentions and I recognize develish behavior for what it is.  People will hurt other people just to see the look on the afflicted person's face.  People will lie, cheat and steal and sleep soundly every night because they can justify themselves a good person by being completely oblivious to their own behavior when they lie their heads to rest each night.  I know true darkness and I know true light and I have a well defined sense of what is ok and what isn't.  I am giving to a fault-I save nothing for myself and then sometimes flounder as I try to stay afloat and I have believed that people loved me more then  they were capable of admitting.  And I walk this world alone for all these reasons.  So for the cutie who is still a boy becoming a man--I see dreams of others in you and I hope they are realized - even if I never get the shot to see that happen.  Here's to me being both overdramatic and completely spot on in my interpretation of the moment.