Que Pasa my people? Little Spanglish for you there. I guess I should start off by saying thanks for all the great comments on the last blog...alot of new people, I was really happy about that. Lets get to it, this is my first Dear Gozy since my break so go easy on me. Hope you have fun.



Q: Dear Gozy,

I'm new to your blog and this is my first Dear Gozy so please go easy on me. Whenever I make new friends, I like to know a little about them first. So before I subscribe to this blog, do you mind answering some questions for me? If so, here they are.

Jennifer

A: Only because you are a newbee...and because most Jennifers are hot.

Q: If you could make love to one woman in this world, who would it be?
A: Jessica Alba, I would do things to her that would make Hannibal Lector throw up! LOL, on the "make love." This ain't Dear Fabio!

Q: Ever Leave a woman unsatisfied?
A: Sure, every time I clean the house.

Q: If you were drunk enough, do you think you would bang Kelly Osbourne?
A: Id rather get a hand job from Mohammed Ali! Kelly Osbourne has the body of a two liter bottle of Pepsi.

Q: Do you work out?
A: Please, Ike Turner breaks more of a sweat when his lady burns his english muffin than I do in an entire year.

Q: Do you have a short temper or are you Mr. Cool?
A: Jesus, you are new. Please see Things and People I hate 1-18.

Q: What kind of car do you drive and what color is it?
A: Mustang Convertable...whatever color dirt is.

Q: Do you have any talents such as singing, dancing, drawing and so on.
A: I was a great singer when I was a kid, then puberty set in...now I make Dogs howl when I whistle. I have no talent when it comes to drawing, as a matter of fact, in High School I was kicked out of an art class for fucking up a drawing of the Japanese flag. As far as Dancing goes, I'm really good at that cholo dance, you know the one thats makes you look like your rowing an invisible boat. Other than that, I suck.


Goze: She actually asked me about 30 questions but I wasn't about to answer them all. I hope this helped you determine our compatibility Jennifer.

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Q: Dear Gozy,

I just had my first flat tire last week while I was on a date. I don't know how to change them so I had to call my Dad. I think I looked like a total idiot in front of the girl and now she doesn't call me back or say hi to me at school. What should I do?

Stewart

A: LMAO, you called your Dad? I guess I shouldn't make fun of you, I'm no grease monkey myself, as a matter of fact, the only tires I come in contact with are the spare tires located slightly above my hips.

I'll be honest Stewart, you're pretty fucked bro. This incident has taken away your manhood, you need to get that back or you will fall into the friend zone. Maybe try paying one of your friends to be rude to this girl at school, then you come in and save the day by telling him to go fuck himself. Sorry to say, you are pretty much out of options pal.

I heard Transformers was a good movie if that helps.

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Q: Dear Gozy,

You're a fat guy, can fat people go skinny dipping?

Eric

A: Of course, thats how we tricked your Mom into getting baptized. Boy was Shamu pissed when she found out they had to change the water in her tank. Who knew butter was so harmful to whales? I mean how did they expect us to pull your mother out of that tank?

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Q: Dear Gozy,

What's your quickest time for tying your shoe laces?

John

A: Zero seconds. How is that possible you ask? My shoes are always tied, I buy my shoes half a size bigger than they should be and just slip them on. I'm not trying to do unnecessary sit-ups!

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Q: Dear Gozy,

Why does my husband constantly go to the refrigerator with hopes that something new will appear?

Stacy

A: LOL, he's not hoping something new will appear you moron, he's hoping you will notice him and ask him if he's hungry or thirsty. See in his mind he sees this scenario going down like this:

Fat Bastard: *Walks to refrigerator and opens door*

Stacy: "Whats wrong baby?"

Fat Bastard: "It's just that the Dodgers game is about to start and we are all out of beers. Could you be an angel get some for me?"

Stacy: "I guess so."

Only problem is this scenario rarely works out this way. It usually goes down like this:

Goze: *Opens door to fridge and stands there with a perplexed look on his face similar to the one that would be on any American 5th grader's face who was asked to do long division.*

Goze's Lady: "Whats wrong? The house too warm, you cooling off?"

Goze: "Naw baby, it's just that..."

Goze's Lady: "Just that what? You having a brain fart puto?"

Goze: "Theres no more beer baby."

Goze's Lady: "And standing in front of that fridge with that dumbass look on your face is going to put some in your hands?"

Goze: "I was hoping you could go get some for me?"

Goze's Lady: "So you were going to use the secret phone in the vegetable crisper to forward that message to me?"

Goze: "Take it easy baby!"

Goze's Lady: "Don't be using that bullshit line on me, I ain't one of your myspace hoochies!"

Goze: "I didn't say you were..."

Goze's Lady: "Look motherfucker, you may be big on myspace but you're standing in my kitchen and the kitchen is MY SPACE!" "Either move your silly ass down to the store or mop the floor!"

Goze: *mumbles* "Shit, how bout I slap that weave off yo head and mop the floor with that?"

Goze's Lady: "What bitch?"

Goze: "I said I better hurry back before the Dodger's are up to bat."

Goze's Lady: "Thats what I thought!" "AND BRING ME BACK SOME TAMPONS!!!"

Sorry about that, had a little flashback...So what was your question again?

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Q: Dear Gozy,

I keep getting the hair in my butthole stuck on the toilet paper when I wipe. Any ideas for a better way to freshen up?

Wendy

A: Bigfoot, that you? I better hide the beef jerky.

Fear not Wendy, it is very normal for females to have hair growing in their pooper. Ive laid out some steps for you to follow below.

Step 1. Go out and get some baby wipes and some Charmin Ultra...by far the best toilet paper on the market today. If Al Bundy were here, he would be high fiving me as I type this.

Step 2. Don't apply so much pressure when you wipe, you're not sanding wood, you're simply cleaning your booty.

Step 3. Use a single baby wipe first, then move on to the toilet paper and finish up with a baby wipe.

The only way you could feel any fresher is if you have an enema performed using Scope Mouthwash.

If that doesn't work, give me a shout, maybe I can look up the lady that waxed Steve Carell's chest in the 40-Year-Old Virgin.

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Q: Dear Gozy,

You annoy me and I think you R gay, so When are you planing on coming out of the closet?

Sam in Chicago

A: Depends on what time your Dad goes back to work, thank God your Mom had this walk-in closet put into her bedroom.

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Q: Dear Gozy,

How huge is huge? Just wondering.

Sugar Free

A:

Just saying...

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Q: Dear Gozy,

If you could do anything for one day what would it be? porn included! ;D

Katherine

A: EASY! Remember the old Celebrity Death Match? I would film a live version of this except I would add a Gozy twist to it.

Here would be my lineup:

Match 1 Paris Hilton Vs Lindsay Lohan (Grand Theft Auto match)

Rules: Both participants must work as cab drivers for the day. First bitch to crash their car loses.

Prediction: Paris doesn't make it out of her own driveway.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Match 2 Tom Cruise Vs Gary Busey (Don't say something crazy match)

Rules: Tom and Gary are stuck in the back seat of a car. The first dofuss to say something crazy is eliminated.

Prediction: I think the conversation would go a little something like this...

Tom: "Hi Gary nice to meet you, I love your foil hat."

Gary: "Foil you say?" "What you refer to as foil, I refer to as God's mirror."

Tom: "Excuse me Gary, I have to take this call." "Yeah, uh huh, look, just lock her back up in her cage...I don't care if she was on Dawson's Creek!" "I'm paying her good money to pretend to like me."

Gary: "Something wrong Tim?" "Either way, I have an opinion, I allllways have an opinion."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Match 3 Flava Flav Vs Jessica Simpson (Quit being so iggnat match)

Rules: First idiot to say something smart loses.

Prediction: Jessica Simpson wins this one, I could see her accidentally reading a billboard or something.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Match 4 Kevin Federline Vs Justin Timberlake (You ain't black match)

Rules: First person to say something white loses.

Prediction: This one is going longer than Sakuraba Gracie I.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Match 5 Nicky Hilton Vs Brittney Spears (I can be married longer than you match)

Rules: Both participants get married, first one to get a divorce loses.

Prediction: Nicky wins only because shes smart enough to fill out the paperwork.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Match 6 Barbara Walters Vs P-Diddy (Ego smasher match)

Rules: First person to not talk about them self wins.

Prediction: I think Diddy pulls this one out only because some where during that conversation Diddy would say something like "yo this bitch is crazy."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Match 7 Ozzy Osbourne vs Mike Tyson (Bite me match)

Rules: First person to bite the other person loses.

Prediction: Tyson wins only because Ozzy would be way too loaded to land an accurate attack.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Main Event: Maggie Gyllenhaal Vs Kirsten Dundst

Rules: First Person to admit they aren't really hot and have been fooling the world for years wins.

Prediction: There are no winners in this contest.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ok people, I'm out for now. Next up is Things and People I Hate 19.

Take it easy baby!

I'm back baby! I promised a blog this week and so shall I deliver on that promise. Ive been storing up all the hate in my body for sometime now and it's time to release the rage. Hope you guys forgive me for being so distant as of late. Ok, enough out of me, let the ranting begin!

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Things and People I Hate 17

Starbucks

Ok enough already...we get! I'm not sure about the rest of you but where I live (beautiful Orange County California) there is literally a Starbucks on every corner. They're in the grocery stores, they're in the malls, at amusement parks, they're even in hospitals! My doctor gave me a coupon for a free Mocha frapp with every kidney stone passing! And whats with this ordering system? Venti, Grande, Tall, for the love of God, You're based out of Seattle!!! Do they not speak English there? Oh, and how the fuck is "tall" your smallest drink on the menu? Where on earth does this make sense? Good thing Starbucks doesn't have a basketball team, by this logic, Spud Web would be playing center and Shaq would be at the point. Do us all a favor and go back to large, medium, or small please before I go Peter Patrelli in one of your Orange County stores.

Hey is it just me or is a "Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino Blend" code for starwberry milkshake?

Don't get me started on these douchebags who claim they just can't function until they've had their coffee. You know who I'm talking about, that bitch in the office that yells at you and then says... "I'm sorry Goze, I shouldn't have said that, it's just that I haven't had my morning coffee yet." Like I give a shit! I haven't gotten blown in a month, that doesn't give me the right to become a complete dick to everyone around me. It is possible to function without coffee you know. Anyone remember the last time John Rambo took a break from going postal to have an expresso with Colonel Trautman? Fuck no, thats just a get out of jail free card for assholes. The next time someone snaps and blames their tirade on not having their morning coffee, I say fuck um! Slap them in their ice blended, dulce de leche, mocha, vanilla bean, cinnamon sprinkling, coffee drinking pie hole!!!

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Bottle Water Guy

We get it, your into fitness! You don't have to rub it in my face by carrying that colossal water bottle with you everywhere you go. Seriously, you can't just remember how many glasses you've had or maybe refill your water bottle six times a day? Naw, that would just be plain anarchy right? Instead, lets carry the bulkiest fucking jug of water on all of planet earth! Something so big, High School kids are gonna wanna paint graffiti on it. Look bitches, unless your shirt says sparkletts on it, there should be no reason for you to carry that hideous container around the office. Can't you see how stupid you look carrying that monstrosity every place you go? And what about those people who only drink Arrowhead or Sparkletts water? Worse yet, ever hear the person that says "don't drink Dasani water, it has a chemical in it that gets you hooked." Really Sally, I would hate to be addicted to water, think of all the therapy I would have to go through just to get off of it. Gimmie a break loser!



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People who offer you half a stick of gum

Come on, who is this helping really? Heres the deal, if you are a true friend, you would never make your friend share his last piece of gum. Never!!! It's your fault for having stinky ass breath in the first place, not his! Maybe if you quit scoping out tail and started scoping your mouth, you wouldn't be in this predicament. Perhaps tossing those onions to the side would be a good start? An extra brush a day just as a precaution maybe?

How does this even make sense? You don't here me saying "one Bud Light with two glasses" do you? Bottom-line: Either make sure you have enough gum, or pop that last bad boy in your mouth while nobody is looking, its as simple as that. The only time I wanna hear the words "gum" and "half" come out of a friend's trap is if he just said: "Hey Goze, the Doublemint Gum twins want to fuck us, you take half and I'll take the other half."



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Are you Smarter than a 5th grader?

So thats it huh, we just give up on trying to better ourselves? Don't these people have any shame? How do you become a contestant on this show anyway? Are you just sitting at home thinking... "hey wait a minute, I like money and I'm a dumb shit...I know, I'll show the whole world how fucking dumb I am!" And where in the blazes do they find these people? I swear they go to the most obscure places on earth searching for the dingiest of trailers. There was one lady on there the other day who didn't know who the 1st President of The United States was. She thought it was George Jefferson! George Jefferson!!!

The worst part about this whole ordeal is that there are no winners on this program. Think about it, if you lose, you're a dumbfuck. If you win, big deal, you outsmarted the same kid that ate playdough at lunch and threw up all over the fucking lunch tables. Thats like celebrating beating your kid at arm wrestling. In your face Junior!

Seriously, turn the tv off, lay the PS2 controller down, get your fatass off the couch, and GO READ A BOOK!!! Or Goze's Blog. Shameless plug never hurt anyone.

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Horse Jockeys

Is it just me or did the horse do all the work? Why the fuck are they giving all the props to the gnome wearing the purple and pink tablecloth? Did he gallop on all fours while getting throttled in the ribs by a midget sporting a whip? I mean, Ive never seen a kid on Santa's lap begging for a Kent Desormeaux jersey. "Hey Goze, I'm off to Sports Authority to pick up a new basketball, can I get you anything?" "Yeah, see if the new Air Willy Shoemaker's are in."

What the hell makes these dwarfs so special? It's not like he got the horse to allude the seventh cavalry...he basically got on the horse and made him turn left four times. Then they call the really good ones "horse whispers" because they get the horses to do incredible things. Please... if you wanna impress me, whisper in Sara Jessica Parker's ear and get her to stop making movies, that horse face hasn't been funny in years!



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Coming next week: Dear Gozy 17! Send in your questions so that I may answer them in the most helpful way possible. :)

Before I let you go, as many of you may or may not have heard, Agent Bristow, a loyal subscriber to my blog, lost her cousin to Cystic Fibrosis last week. My heart goes out to her family and I pray she finds happiness soon.

Many of you asked me if there will be any kind of donation setup. Below is the info you requested. Please take the time to check it out.

To contribute to the Frankie Abernathy Scholarship Fund, send checks made out to Blue Springs High School NFL (National Forensics League) to: Blue Springs High School, c/o Jackie Langston, 2000 N.W. Ashton Dr., Blue Springs, MO, 64015.

Thanks guys.

Hey there people! Its that time, this is the last blog about our adventures in Vegas. After this blog, you can expect me to be back on my regular schedule. For those of you who wake up in time, tomorrow on Tagg Radio, Alton and I will discuss what happened on our trip and take calls from you guys. If you wanna call in, the studio line is 714-641-1075. Make sure you are in the combat chat as we will also be talking questions from there. Ok, lets get to it.

THE ADVENTURES OF ALTON AND GOZE (NIGHT FOUR)

1:01 am. Alton: When we last saw our heroes, Goze was getting his freak on with Bridget the Midget. It's one thing to see a midget with implants dancing, but these two midgets getting that sexy is a violation of the Nevada decency act, statute 4.b, para. 3. under the byline "creepy".

1:02 am Goze: Midget on midget crime is not funny Alton! I shared a real moment with Bridget. She told me a lot of things in confidence that night, for instance, she said she can't wear tampons because she keeps stepping on the string.

1:10 am Alton: We "leave" the club at the request of the audience. I decide to cash in on some of the numbers we gathered the night before. I ask Goze to borrow his phone.
Now, we have been pretty good friends for a while now, and seldom have I seen Mr. "Take it Easy baby" get unnerved. For all of you loyal subscribers who want to know what Goze REALLY hates, talk on his phone with your left hand, while taking a piss with your right. Switch hands and repeat. What is beautiful about this precarious position is the victim of the gag can't exactly interrupt without fear of a spritz in retaliation!

1:11 am. Goze: How fucking dirty is this guy?

Alton: "Let me borrow your phone, I'm calling one of these hoes."
Goze: "Get on that baby, I'm gonna take a leak."
Goze: *Unzips* *hears Alton's voice*
Alton: "No baby, I'm not drunk."
Goze: "Are you on my phone while you're pissing?"
Alton: "Keep it down, I'm on the phone!"
Goze: "So you have my phone in one hand and your cock in the other?"
Alton: "Do you wanna get laid or not? "
Goze: "Who you talking to, me or that skank?"
Alton: "You jackass!"
Goze: "If it means your dick is touching my ear, NO!!!"

1:15 Alton: Even in Vegas the line "Hethis is fa guy fom yetherday, I know Twigg come do memama" doesn't work. Drunken lazy eye and a lisp, why am I alone again?
The good news, some other drunken guy overhears my skills and informs me all of the classy hookers hang out at NY NY. I may be goofy, but I am not yet broke!

Alton: 1:20 "Cabbie-- New York New York Please!!!"

Goze: By now, we are on the verge of alcohol poisoning. We had a riot with the last cabbie and figured "why not carry this momentum?"

Cabbie: "Are you guys enjoying your stay?"
Alton: "What did he say?"
Goze: "HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE ENJOYING YOUR STAY!"
Alton: "NO I'M NOT GAY."
Cabbie: "Not gay, s-t-a-y."
Alton: "I CAN'T STAY, I HAVE TO GET TO NEW YORK, NEW YORK!"
Cabbie: "Are you guys fucking with me?"
Alton: "WHAT?"
Goze: "HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WERE FUCKING WITH HIM!"
Alton: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'M NOT GAY!"
Cabbie: "Ok guys, you're gonna have to get a ride from someone else."
Alton: "WHAT?"
Goze: "HE SAID WE WILL HAVE TO GET A RIDE FROM SOMEONE ELSE!"
Alton: "SON OF BITCH, WILL SOMEONE TELL THIS GUY WE AREN'T GAY!"
Cabbie: "I'm gonna need you to pay your fare."
Alton: "HUH?"
Cabbie: "PAY YOUR FUCKING FARE!"
Alton: "DAMN RIGHT THIS ISN'T FAIR!"

1:25 am. Goze: As funny as that prank was, cabbie had the last laugh as we had to walk to the hotel.

1:30 am. Alton: We peruse NY NY looking for any stragglers who are separated from the herd. I notice a slim long haired hottie playing the slots all alone. I am on that like PHUQT nailing the first reply on Goze's blog….Now, before I admit my shame, I would like to point out at this point of the trip I was in serious need of an intervention. So, I stroll up behind the hottie and whisper one of my best lines into said hotties ear. Unfortunately, he, yes HE did not appreciate my candor, nor the things I that I said I can do with my tongue.
In my defense, long hair on dudes went out in the 70s, how was I supposed to know?? (A special thanks to Goze and Jeremy from mmamix.com for sending me "his" way) In order to avoid a fist fight, I excuse myself and move on. My penis is so revolted there was a better chance of the old Vitor showing up for a fight than it unturtleing the rest of the night!

Goze: First of all, women don't wear construction boots and flannel shirts. Second, we told Alton to get as close as he could to the dude without saying a word, we had no idea he was gonna whisper in his ear. Third, I can't confirm this but I heard that after this altercation, Alton's dick looked like a stack of dimes.

2:30 am. Alton: After being kicked out of a cab, and talking to a freaking dude, I decided this may be a good time to wrap the night up. As we are heading out of the lobby, Goze is stopped by a man riding what looked like a zambonie.

Random guy: "I know you from somewhere, I just can't place it."
Alton: "That's the infamous Goze from Myspace dog!"
Random guy: "Awe shit, I knew I knew you!"
Goze: "What's up buddy?"
Random guy: "Yo Derrick, you know who that is right?"
Derrick: "Awe man, he looks familiar."
Random guy: "It's the infamous Greg from Myspace!"
Derrick: "Shit, I didn't recognize you without your glasses."
Goze: "Huh?"
Alton: "You guys wanna pic with Greg?"
Random guy: "You know this, but we don't have a camera."
Alton: "I got you covered, say Greg!"
Random guy, Derrick, and Goze: Grrreeeegggg!

2:31 am. Goze: I was really drunk so I don't remember any of this...



Or this....



3:00 am. Alton: We finally arrive at Caesar's palace, before we head up to the room, I convince Goze to take a stroll around the casino. As we were coming close to the end of our walk, we notice a group of fighters sitting at a bar. In the crowd we spot Alistair Overmen's brother, Valentine. We decide to strike up a conversation. This was one of the highlights of my trip as Valentine was awesome! Topics covered included soccer, who can beat Fedor, and Frank Trigg's brief experiment with hair.

4:00 am Alton: We go to bed.

Saturday. Alton: Finally it is fight time! We all pile in Hot Rod's jeep and head to the venue. I am supposed to meet Wahine, or "my impending death" as she is known at this point, so I split from the rest of the gang.

5:00 pm. Alton: Goze and George go to the back of the Thomas & Mack Center to cash in their press passes, and get the all access treatment.
However, Frank Trigg's casual friend at best…(Alton) sits in the scorching fucking sun with the rest of the schmucks waiting for the gates to open.

5:10 pm. Alton: Bored, I walk around the side of the arena looking for Goze, or even better, one of the fighters to enter the building. As I am cruising the dark alley that leads to the side entrance, a homeless guy comes up behind me and asks "hey, what's going on." Now, I lived in NYC long enough to know its fight or flight time. Hung-over, I decide to haul ass. After a brief sprint, (yep, I literally sprinted) I reach the safety of the back gate. I see Goze, George and Jenny parting ways. As a gentleman, I elect to escort Jenny back to safety in case the homeless robber was still lurking. (More on that later!!!).

5:45 pm. Alton: Impending death arrives. We say our hellos, Wahine tells me I look like shit, (I was a bit flushed from the sprint, I'll admit) and we enter the arena to try and link up with Melissa, the other creation sensation.

6:00 pm. Alton: Interesting fact about Alton and Wahine, we share the same eye glass prescription.
Interesting fact # 2-Alton stepped on his glasses and forgot his contacts.
Interesting Fact #3-Alton is not afraid to wear women's glasses to see an MMA event. Granted, Wahine probably couldn't see a damn thing, but, I had already cashed in my chivalry card earlier protecting Jenny from the robber. We get a hold of Melissa and convince her to come sit by us. My logic is that if the scorpion arrives, I could push one of them in the way to buy enough time to run! Again, my good deed for the day was done, all bets were off!!


6:25 pm. Goze: I text Alton to alert him that I saw Jeremy Jackson in the lobby and he looked pissed. What Alton doesn't know is that I have been lying to him this whole time, Jeremy Jackson is not after him. Hey, that's what friends do...plus, he needed a little pay back for the whole stripper incident.

6:30 pm. Alton: I receive Goze's text and begin to write my last will and testament on my cocktail napkin. Like an Egyptian king, I leave everything to myself and asked to be buried with all my prize processions.

6:38 pm Goze: Professional Fighter Frank "Twinkle Toes" Trigg walks to the ring wearing his ever so popular Triggonomics sweatshirt. I start to feel sick as I am worried about the safety of my friend. At this point I could care less whether he wins or loses, I just hope he makes it out uninjured.

Alton: Hey look, Trigg is wearing the same sweatshirt he charged me 60 bucks for earlier!

6:40 pm. Goze: Both Mistake and Trigg are in the ring awaiting their introductions. What happened next is something I will never forget. Without giving me any notice what so ever, Trigg took off his sweatshirt and revealed the Gozejitsu shirt he had asked me for the day before. That made my year people! That shirt was seen by millions of people all over the world. Rockstar, Headblade, Tapout, and he decided to wear his little buddies shirt. That meant a lot to me and i will never forget it.





Alton: Hey look, Trigg is wearing the same T-Shirt Goze charged me 30 bucks for earlier!

Goze: Trigg beat a heavily favored Misaki in a three round battle.

8:00 Alton: I celebrate Trigg's win by going to take a piss. At the urinal I feel an uncomfortable burning sensation. No not the type that Ryan Loco suffers from, the uncomfortable burning of another dude's eyes sneaking a peak at my penis. I look to my left to see Josh "The Peoples Warrior" Burkman. I finish my business and elect not to ask for a picture…

Josh Burkman: "Holy crap, it does look like a stack of dimes!"

10:00 pm. Alton: After what I considered the best MMA event of the year, we head out. As anyone who has been to Thomas & Mack Center can attest, it's a clusterfuck with that many fans vying for 7 cabs. However, our good friend The Other Croatian Sensation rides in style!!! We skip the cab line, and head straight for the stretch limos baby! She already has a driver lined up, and off we go.
So there I am, in the back of a hummer limo with two beautiful ladies. Two beautiful ladies who are MMA fans. Oh yeah, can you guess where this is going???
Wrong.
Unfortunately, these particular beautiful ladies were what I like to call- "hitters".
Hitters are people who, whenever they laugh, respond by wailing on you to show approval. Needless to say, nestled in between Wahine and Melissa I took more face shots than Kami Andrews in Geranalmo 2!! Bruised and battered, I finally arrive back at Caesars.

Goze: With the show over, it's now time to hit the after party at Pure. First we must make a pit stop at Trigg's suite so that we can all go in together. We meet up with Ricco Chiparelli who owns the R-1 gym and also manages Trigg's career. As we all pile into the elevator, Alton begins to freak out.

Goze: "The fucks wrong with you?"
Alton: "That's the guy, I have no idea how he found me!"
Goze: "What guy?"
Alton: "The guy missing the tooth, he found me."
Goze: "Bitch, start making sense soon or I'm getting off at the next stop."
Ricco: "Hey man, why did you walk away from me at the arena?"
Alton: "Look man, I don't know how you found me but..."
Goze: "Before you make a complete ass of yourself, is this the homeless guy you thought was attacking you?"
Alton: "Yeah man!"
Goze: "That's Ricco you dumb shit! He's missing teeth because he used to fight."
Ricco: "We met at my gym last time you came down to California, and we sat next to each other yesterday at dinner for over an hour!"
Alton: "Sorry man, I completely forgot. I need to quit drinking."

11:25 pm. Goze: I begin to question my friendship with Alton.

11:30 pm. Goze: We walk into Trigg manner only to be star stuck for the 100th time this weekend. Jay Glazier of the Pride Fox Sports show and NFL along with some other celebs were there waiting on us, that's right bitches, they were waiting on us!!!

11:45 pm. Goze as we are rolling up, all eyes are on us…I know because there were at least 20 girls in line shouting "hey, those are the guys who promised us VIP passes!"

12:00 am. Alton: Still no Jeremy Jackson! I decide to challenge Wahine to a dance off when we get to Pure.

Alton: As good looking as I am, I have yet to live like a rock star. However, when we walked into the V.I.P at Pure, I got a taste of how the other side lives. Literally, hot chicks parted like the red sea as we took our place of honor into the club.

Alton: So, the "dance off" between Wahine and I got off to a pretty slow start, as the club was so packed neither of us could really get any room. Gorgeous George had tipped me off earlier that Jeremy Jackson may be in the club, so I tried to keep a respectable distance. By respectable I mean I resisted the urge to grab her ass. In turn, Wahine didn't punch me in the face for the 20th time that night. Finally, we see our opportunity, as a small hole opens up in the dance floor.
I allow Wahine to go first...bad move. Nobody told me Wahine was a back up dancer for rap videos before taking a job as a den-tech, and like flies to shit, the entire cast of Growing Up Gotti starts cheering for her. At this point, half of Pure is looking our way, so I step up to my turn. After breaking out the smurf, the wop, the flintstone flop, and everything else in the worm's repertoire, I pause to enjoy the eerie silence of 1000 eyes upon me. Finally, Wahine says: "WTF was that, a line dance?" and Pure erupts in laughter at my expense.

1:50 am. Goze: Suggest we all take a picture together so that we can remember all the goodtimes. Alton agrees and begins to straighten his collar. Once I saw he was ready, I jumped in between the two girls and handed him the camera...I was still pissed about the Russian stripper.



2:00 am Goze: After leaving the club, we decide to walk Melissa to her hotel room. For the third time this weekend, Melissa's key does not work. We wait patiently outside her room for security. As many of you already know, Goze and Alton don't do waiting. We decide to entertain ourselves by doing something stupid.

Goze: Hey Alton, lets do a paper, rock, scissors to see who has to eat the food off that cart in the hall way.

Alton: Lets do this!



Lets just say I lost.



Or did I?

3: 00 a.m. Alton: I escort the winner of the dance off to a cab.

3:20 a.m. Alton: We head to Trigg Manner to kick back and relax. Did I say kick back and relax- that's not in the vocabulary of the guys from TAGG Radio. Instead, we kick back and laugh as Ronnie Frazier hurls insults at everyone in sight, including the victorious Frank Trigg. All is well, until I make the slight mistake of putting my leg on the table and revealing an ankle sock which, well doesn't necessarily go with my Sunday best. Immediately the insults are redirected at me.

Goze: You got to understand, his socks were very Mr. Roperish.

3:10 am. Alton: Insults continue.

3:15 am. Alton: More insults.

3:20 am. Alton: Ok, I get it. I'm ready to die.

3:32 am. Alton: For the love of god….

3:35 am. Alton: Yep, insults

3:40 am. Alton: Room Service arrives, thank god!

Goze: The next day was relatively uneventful. For the fourth night, Alton tried to sneak in some cuddle time with Hot Rod, and for the fourth night he was rejected. However, there is one particular story from the last day I feel compelled to share. The next day we all went to Trigg's mother in laws house. Most people say hi when they meet someone for the first time, Alton decides to take another route.

Trigg: "Hey Mom, were home."
Mom: "Hey guys."
Trigg: "These are my friends."
George: "Hello."
Goze: "You have a lovely house."
Hot Rod: "Thanks for having us over."
Alton: "Wheres your restroom?"
Mom: "Right down the hall young man."

Goze: If we were there for an hour, Alton was in the crapper for 40 of those minutes. I mean the wall paper was peeling off the wall! Even the Roaches were throwing up. But the best part was when we were leaving. Trigg's mother in law, in front of everyone, said… "I hope you feel better young man." I don't even think crayola has a color that could describe the shade of red on Alton's face.

That's it baby!



I'll be honest, spending four straight days getting into trouble with Alton put quite a strain on our friendship. Literally we saw each other 21 hours a day. So, in an effort to make up, we have decided to end our adventures with a few apologies to each other.

I Goze, appologize for calling you the following names:

1. Elton
2. Dalton
3. Alvin
4. Elvin
5. Antwone
6. Worm
7. Left eye
8. The Condor
9. Swoops Mcgee
10. Droops
11. Beaks
12. Walton
13. Denton

I Alton, apologize to you Goze, for not still not knowing your real name.

I Goze, apologize for making fun of your hair color.

I Alton, apologize for using your luffa to clean up after i came back from hanging out with my Russian stripper friends.

I Goze, apologize to all mankind for owning a luffa.

I Alton, apologize to you Goze for making you think you out ate Butterbean.

I Goze, apologize to you Alton for making fun of your lazy eye.

I Alton, apologize to you Goze for having a lazy eye that got you kicked out off the blackjack table.

I Goze, apologize to you Alton for making you think Jeremy Jackson was gonna kill you.

I Alton, apologize for consistently cheating at "paper rock scissors."

I Goze, apologize to you Alton for telling the maid to walk in on you when you were taking a shit.

I Alton, apologize to you Goze for using your cell phone and taking a leak at the same time.

I Goze, apologize to you Alton for making a hick kick you in the balls two times.

I Alton, apologize to you Trigg for spanking it in your mother-in-laws bathroom

I Goze, apologize to you Alton for freaking a midget and getting us kicked out of the Voodoo Lounge.


Ok guys, this ends our adventures in Las Vegas. Next week, expect a Things and People I Hate.
Dont forget, we will be live on Tagg Radio Thursday morning at 9:00 am PST to take calls as well as shoot the shit over everything that happened over those four days. www.taggradio.com

Take it easy baby!

Omg...hi there everyone! I know, I know, I suck. Ive just been so busy with everything going on that I haven't been able to get this blog finished. After this blog I will have one more night to recap and then it's back to the normal schedule of Things and People I Hate, Dear Gozy, and the tournaments. I promise, Goze's Blog will be back on schedule soon.

Please don't forget to listen to Tagg Radio every Monday - Friday, 9:00 am to 10:00 am PST. So far weve had on the Heavywieght, Welterweight, and Lightweight Champions of the UFC. Trust me, once you listen to one show, you will fall in love. www.TAGGRADIO.com

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The Adventures of Alton and Goze (Night Three)

9:00 pm. Goze: After the Blackjack debacle, we decided to try something new. We leave to get some drinks in us.

9:10 pm. Goze: As we are sitting there losing hand eye cordination by the second, we get a call from Trigg.

Trigg: "I need you to take my shorts in the morning so they can sew on your logo."
Goze: "Sounds good man, I'll get them in the morning."
Trigg: "Listen up and listen up good you fucking douche bag, get to bed early because if I don't have my shorts by noon tomorrrow, they won't approve them and I'll be stuck wearing swim trunks."
Goze: "Dude, I promise, we're just gonna finish up this drink and then we're off to bed."
Trigg: "I'm not joking dickhead, you better be at that store by 10:00 am."
Goze: "Take it easy baby, I got this!"

9:12 pm. Goze: I tell Alton that we should get going because the next day is weigh-ins day and I guarantee Trigg will not be a happy Ultimate Fighter as he will be starved, dehydrated, and six pounds over weight.

9:14 pm. Alton: I remind Goze that we are in Vegas and that he is being a Pussy.

9:15 pm. Goze: I think to myself "This lazy-eyed yokel is making a lot of sense."

9:16 pm. Alton: Goze didn't really think that to himself, he instead blurted it out loud!

9:17 pm. Alton: Everyone is staring at my lazy eye.

10:00 pm. Alton: I convince Goze and Hot-Rod that one more drink would only make us better friends. After that drink, Hot-Rod calls it a night. I talk Goze into having one last drink with me at the bar.

4:00 am. Goze: THATS RIGHT, 4:00 AM!!! I'm so drunk, I'm slurring my thoughts! How the fuck did this happen? Trigg would murder me if he saw me sitting at this bar right now. We finally call it a night.

4:10 am. Goze: We decide to pull one last prank in the elevator. Alton and I are in the back of the elevator with a lady infront of us. We begin to whisper...

Goze: "You took it too far worm, you have to get your temper under control."
Alton: "What did you want me to do? She saw our faces, she could have ratted us out!"
Goze: "What did you do with the piece?"
Alton: "What do you think, I put it where nobody would find it!"
Goze: "Excuse me Ma'am, do you know where the nearest Home Depot is?"
Lady: "I'm sorry, I'm not from around here."
Alton: "Do you know if the maids carry bottles of bleach on them?"
Lady: "I'm sorry, I'm really tired."
Goze: "That ain't no kind of answer."
Lady: "Have a good night."
Goze: "Take it easy baby!"

4:15 am. Alton: As I walk into the room, I notice Hot-Rod had created the ultimate defense against my cuddle attacks, he built a wall of pillows between us. Yeah....it didn't work for the Russian stripper and she used couch cushions, what the hell made Hot-Rod think it would work for him?

4:20 am. Goze: I know I keep saying this over and over again, but here we go...what happened next was easily one of the funniest things on this whole trip. I'm in bed and I see Alton stumbling around trying not to fall over. He finally somehow manages to get into bed when all of a sudden I see him scale the pillow fortress and get an inch away from Hot-Rod's ear.

Ok, remember the movie 'Without a paddle'? Remember when the friends are stuck in a cave and they are forced to spoon to keep warm? Do you remember the song that played? For those of you who haven't seen the movie, it was "Bump N Grind" by R-Kelly.

So there is Alton, an inch from Hot-Rod's ear, when all of a sudden we hear Alton in the drunkest, most slurred voice ever, shout out... "Myyyyy minds telllling me nooooooo!!!" "But my body!!!" "My body's telling me yessss!!!"

Normally this would be a great joke except....Hot-Rod has never seen this movie nor does he ever listen to R-Kelly. If you look at this from his perspective, he was sound asleep and had awoken to a guy he had only met for the first time two days ago that was drunk off his ass, in his underwear, no less...spooning him, and serenading him at the top of his lungs! Lets just say Hot-Rod was not a happy camper. I, on the other, hand could not stop laughing my ass off!!!

10:00 am. Goze: I wake up to a text message from Trigg, "How long is it going to take?"

*20 seconds later* Goze: As if the hotel had suddenly caught fire, I rush out of the room in half of the clothes I had on the night before. Do you remember that scene in the movie "Go" when the guys pull out of the Riviera at 60 miles an hour onto the strip? I did the same thing at 90 miles an hour.

10:15 am. Goze: The owner of the store quickly sews on the patch and off I go, back to the hotel.

11:00 am. Goze: I meet subscriber Iona in the lobby and off we go to Trigg's suite. On the way, I get a phone call from Trigg's Boxing coach, Ron Frazier.

Ron: "Two things. One, hurry the fuck up...Two, don't be a clown, Trigg is in a bad mood and could possibly murder you if you piss him off enough."
Goze: "Take it easy baby!"
Ron: "I'm serious, don't fuck around!"
Goze: "Be there in five minutes."

15 minutes later. Goze: After stopping for an iced coffee, we finally arrive at Trigg's floor except he's already in the hall and on the way to the elevator. I give Trigg his shorts and he says nothing to me. Could this finally be the day I've taken it too far? I stay quiet and ride the elevator down with Trigg, Ron, and Iona. In the elevator, Trigg looks me up and down and then says... "You look like shit." "I wanna hear all about it later on." Alas, the friendship is still on!

11:40 am. Goze: We say our goodbyes and Trigg is off to sweat off the remaining five pounds he needs to to make weight.

11:50 am. Goze: I go to the food court to put on the five pounds Trigg is about to lose...our friendship is based on a balance of muscle and fat. When that balance is broken, crazy shit happens.

1:30 pm. Goze: We all meet up in the casino so that we may attend the weigh-ins for Pride 33. As we head to the ballroom where the weigh-ins are to be held, I make a quick right into the press area...I roll deep, bitches!

1:40 pm. Alton: The doors open and everyone rushes the ballroom at once. It was Walmart the day after Christmas all over again. :(

1:41 pm. Goze: I turn around, from the comfy chair Pride provided to all their VIPs, to see the insanity. Even the rush of soldiers in Braveheart was less intimidating than the one trying to get into that ballroom. The only thing missing was Mel Gibson shouting "Freedom!!!" Do you remember the last 20 minutes of Titantic? Alton was Jack's friend Fabrizio running for his life while I was Rose's Mom all laid out in that first life boat.

2:00 pm. Alton: Despite the fact that Goze was the only Mexican in the press area and also the only guy wearing a bright red Gozejitsu shirt, I still could not locate him through the crowd of hillbillies in front of me.

2:10 pm. Goze: The Weigh-ins had started, and still no sign of Alton. I look back only to see what seemed to be a wave of degenerates. It was almost as if Cops had filmed their reunion episode in the ballroom. I was looking for a banner somewhere in the ballroom that read... "Cops reunion show, 'Where are they now?' special."

2:20 pm. Goze: Trigg gets on the scale. He makes weight!!! That's a load off my shoulders...or was it off his? After Trigg gets off the scale, he is asked to get into a stare down with his opponent, Kazuo Misaki. The stare down is intense, both fighters have a lot to prove. Trigg moves in closer... a little closer... a little more... closer...closer...at this point, Frank is right on Misaki's grill. Trigg could literally tell us what Misaki had for breakfast last Thursday, that's how close he was. Misaki shoves Trigg and it takes ten Pride officials to seperate them.



2:40 pm. Alton: I get a call on my cell...it's a friend telling me she just spoke to Jeremy Jackson and he said my days are numbered! My skin turns off-white or dirty brown as Goze likes to call it.

4:00 pm. Goze: Weigh-ins are over, now we are just mingling. I see Gilbert Melendez and decide to talk to him. Gilbert and I are from the same hometown, I just know we will hit it off.

Goze: "Hey Gilbert, can we get a pictue?"
Melendez: Sure man."
Goze: "I'm from Santa Ana too."
Melendez: "Holy shit man, small world."
Gorgeous George: "Hey Gilbert, Goze went to Saddleback, isn't that your rival school?"

4:01 pm. Goze: Gilbert Melendez, shocked by this new development decides to give me a Nelson Munce style punch to the gut. Little does he know the joke is on him, I'm fat and felt almost no effect.



4:23 pm. Goze: I see Wes Sims. For those of you who haven't seen Wes up front, Wes has both of his palms tattooed with some kind of Asian symbols. (Think Gozy, how can we make this picture funny)



5:00 pm. Alton: We decide we should all take naps to prepare for the night ahead.

9:00 pm. Alton: Off we go into the Vegas night for a small walk. Who should we run into but heavyweight contender Gabriel Gonzaga. We quickly devise a plan. You remember the old Bugs Bunny cartoons when Bugs, Daffy, and Fudd would pass around a gun, knife, and a carrot? We did the same thing, only our version had a bag of McDonalds, a coke, and a water bottle.



11:00 pm. Alton: We meet with the MMAMIX.com guys at a bar in Caesar's Palace.

4 Jack & Coke
3 Budlights
5 Coronas
2 Vodka tonics
5 Red Bull Vodkas
5 Rum & Cokes

All that later...Goze: We decide to go down to the Voodoo Lounge at the Rio. As we are walking out of the bar, I am stopped by Mike Garrow. Why is this a big deal? Mike Garrow is President of the fight network and is interested in our radio show. At the time, the radio show was still only an idea...an idea that Garrow loved. Lets review:

There are four of us in our group, I accounted for 25% of this list.

4 Jack & Coke
3 Budlights
5 Coronas
2 Vodka tonics
5 Red Bull Vodkas
5 Rum & Cokes

Gozy = drunk as a skunk. Word of advise when speaking to a President of any major Organization : DON'T BE DRUNK!!!

Midnight. Alton: We are finally off to the Rio. By now we are all shitfaced. What better way to spend your time shitfaced than with a Jamacian cab driver.

Cab driver: "Hello guys, where to?"
Alton: "The Rio please."
Goze: "Your mom goes to college."
Alton: "Do you know of any cool clubs we can go to with short lines?"
Cab driver: "Try the MGM."
Alton: "Goze just got back from the H-I-V."
Cab driver: "Where you guys from, mon?"
Goze: "IIIIIN WEST PHILADELPHIA, BORN AND RASIED!"
Cab driver: "I've never been, is it nice?"
Alton: "On the playground is where he spent most of his days."
Cab driver: "Playing futbol?"
Goze: "Naw, Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool,
and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school."
Cab driver: "I like basketball."
Alton: "Not Goze, he had a bad experience once."
Cab Driver: "What happened?"
Goze: "A couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said "You're moving with your aunty and uncle in bel-air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near the License plate said 'fresh' and had dice on the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare but I thought "Naw forget it...Yo Holmes, to bel-air!!!

Cab driver: "I think your friend is drunk."
Alton: "It's ok, he has a blog on myspace."

12:30 am. Goze: We arrive at the Voodoo Lounge. I remember walking in like a normal cat but according to some of our friends, Alton and I walked into the club Nino Brown style. (If you don't get that joke, go rent New Jack City)

12:45 am. Alton: This is one of the top ten funniest things I've ever seen. So, we're walking through on our way to the patio and Goze sees everyone on the dance floor pointing down. At first we thought it was a new dance but then quickly figured out what was going on. The pointing wasn't part of the dance at all, they were all pointing at a midget with breast implants. It's at this point that Goze and I lock eyes. We rush out to the balcony to converse.

Goze: "I'm freaking this bitch and there is nothing you can do to stop me!"
Alton: "Play that funky music white boy!"
Goze: "Huh?"
Alton: "Nothing."

***There are two interpertations of what happened next so we are going to give you my version....and then Alton's version.***

Goze's Version:

1:00 am Goze: There I am, slick and cool, slithering through the crowd like a ninja on an assassination mission. Finally I meet my target face to face. I politely cut in and begin to freak the midget. The crowd begins to chant "Goze, Goze, Goze!!!" After a five minute grind session, I walk away like the champion I am.

Alton's Version:

1:00 am Alton: There he was, drunk as a pirate, bashing through the crowd like Stevie Wonder in a fun house. Finally, he meets his target face to crotch. He rudely tosses the dwarf's dancing partner out of the way and takes his place. The crowd begins to chant "No, No, No!!! Much like Goze's sexual career, after two minutes, he gets bored and stumbles out.

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Ok guys, I'm ending it there. Coming next Christmas, night number four of The Adventures of Alton and Goze! Sorry for all the delays, I'm a douche.

Take it easy baby!

Howdy people! Sorry for the long wait in between blogs, Ive been really busy with the new radio show. Speaking of the new radio show, if you haven't gotten on the Tagg Radio website and created a profile, expect a flaming bag of shit on your doorstep tonight! Trust me, It's fast and it's really easy...kind of like me. The show is on Mon-Fri 9:30 - 10:30. Starting Monday, we will be on at 9:00 am. to 10:00 am. If you catch the live show, you can hang out and interact with us in the Tagg Combat Chat room. Help a blogger out and tell all your friends!

Ok guys, it's time for night number two....enjoy.

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The Adventures of Alton and Goze Night two.

When I left Alton at the bar, he had pretty much closed the deal. Alls I asked for was ten minutes to hide all our valuables and setup the music for the stripper.

Goze: 2:45 am. Still no Alton. He's probably waiting for the bill, you know... the one I paid for!

Goze: 3:00 am. Hey Caesar's Palace is huge hotel, I'm sure it takes a while to get through that lobby.

Goze: 3:25 am. There are fighters everywhere, I'm positive he just stopped to take a few pictures with Chute Boxe or something.

Goze: 3:50 am. Oh shit, Alton doesn't have a key to get past the security! No, we only have one key which means he has the other.

Goze: 3:56 am. Wouldn't it suck if I paid a hundred bucks for Alton to bang a stripper? Naw, he would never do that shit to me.

Goze: 4:00 am. Wait, I would do that to him in a heartbeat!

Goze: 6:00 am. Alton walks into the room.

Alton: 6:01 am. This is where Goze wants me to talk about walking in, but to be honest- I don't remember.

Goze: 6:00 a.m. I wish I could tell you guys what this jackass did and why he took so long, but my friendship bounds me to secrecy. Lets just say Russia and the USA became one country that night. Perhaps we will spill the beans in our deleted scenes blog.

Goze: 6:10 am. We all hit the hay for a couple of more hours.

Goze: 11:30 am. Our sleeping arrangements are pretty self explanatory, two queen beds, four guys, two and two. George and I are brothers, we took one bed and Rodney and Alton took the other. Funny thing about Alton, he hasn't been single much of his life, for the most part he's used to having a lady friend next to him. Interesting fact about Rodney, he lives alone and rarely has to share a bed.

Now when it comes to men sleeping together, there is an imaginary line drawn down the center of the bed that nobody ever talks about and nobody ever crosses. Alton skipped class the day this lesson was taught in school. Poor Rodney pretty much spent the entire night fighting off the El Paso cuddle bunny's ruthless attacks. It looked like a game of Mexican twister up in that bitch.

11:40 am. Goze: We decide to eat at the hotel's buffet.

11:45 am. Alton: All of the drinking is starting to catch up to me, so I tell everyone I'll be down in a minute…I have to use the bathroom. As I sit down to make room for breakfast, Hotrod comes back in the room- most likely because I assume we are BFF's after the nights cuddle session. Just to reinforce it wasn't personal, I tell him, in graphic detail what happened with the two Russian strippers…but, unfortunately, HotRod is also serenaded to the tune of my bowels moving. But, hey we are guys right? As I walk out of the bathroom, I notice that Hot-Rod looks mysteriously like our Spanish maid, and she is offering me a towel not a high five.

11:44 am Goze I realized Alton was trying to get away with a fast one…the old "I'll wait till everyone is out of the room and then I'll launch some submarines." I tell the maid that our room is ready to be cleaned and that the bathroom smells a little off.

12:00 am. We leave for the buffet running into one of the Nogueria brothers on the way. Nogueria asks us for a picture so we oblige.



12:10 am. While we are waiting to be seated, our hostess asks Alton a question about his press pass.

Old hag: "Oh wow, are you a fighter?"
Goze: "He sure is!"
Alton: "It's true, I am, Ive fought all over the world and now I would like to test my skills in America."
Old bat: "Are you from this country?"
Goze: "He's from Sao Paulo Brazil."
Old shoe: "Is that true?"
Alton: "Yes mam, born and raised."
Old witch: "So you speak Portuguese?"
Alton: "No, sorry I don't."

Goze: 12:12 pm. In my entire life, I have never come across a person who has said anything dumber than what Alton just said. How the hell are you gonna say you are from Brazil, Born AND raised no less and not speak a lick of Portuguese? Did I mention that the entire time Alton was trying to pass off as a Brazilian fighter, half of the Chute Boxe team was behind us? Thats right, if you are a huge MMA fan, you would have had the chance to get an autograph from the likes of Ninja Rua, Wanderlei Silva, Jorge Olivera, and The Brazilian Jackass…Alton.

Goze: 12:20 pm. We begin our dining experience. While in line for an omelet, we notice the area we were standing in suddenly experienced an eclipse of some sort. Curious as to what the hell was happening, we turn around to see Butterbean behind us. Once again we quickly put our heads together to come up with the best possible question we could ask him. Those of you who follow the fight game already know that you don't fuck with Bean in the ring, he could destroy your life with one tap from his fist, you can imagine what a hungry Bean is like? We decide to tread softly and feel him out. Bean turns out to be a jolly soul, because of this we decide it's better to let him off the hook.

Goze: 12:50 am. We finish our meal.

Goze: Ive been writing this blog for a little over a year now and over this time frame I have come to meet many of you. Those of you who have met me in person know that I'm not in the best shape of my life at this moment. By no means are the words Goodyear written across my back but at the same time my workout video isn't necessarily hitting the stores anytime soon if you know what I'm saying. With that said, never have I felt fatter than after this buffet, you see, I visited the buffet line three times that day. I take buffets seriously people, they're like a three round fight to me and I plan out a great strategy every time.

Round one was a feeling out process.
Round two I went back for more of whatever made the cut on my first trip.
Round three was the icing on the cake and by icing on the cake I don't mean I had this buffet all wrapped up, I mean I literally got up to put icing on my cake.

Now you've heard my strategy and this is in no way out of this world right? Now for my shame...Butterbean only made one trip. :(
I out ate a 398 pound monster...I'm 5'6." This was one of the biggest upsets the world has ever seen.

Alton: 12:49 am. We all laugh at Goze. What Goze doesn't know to this day is that Butterbean's wife got up about seven times. Beans wife is about 5'4" 120 lbs. It's pretty clear she was a go-for that morning.

Alton: 1:00 pm. I notice Goze is upset over the recent development at the buffet- but fortunately Pride Superstar Wanderlei Silva enters the buffet. George is very excited because he had been wanting to get a picture with Wandy doing the famous stare down for some time now. Unfortunately, my drunk ass forgot the camera, (and I'll be honest folks, I'm a little slow on the uptake after drinking all night) so I just let George and Wandy stare each other down for a good 2-5 minutes. An awkward, yet special moment for all involved.

Goze: 1:20 pm. I receive a text from Trigg telling me to round up the troops and to get my fatass up to his room ASAP. Now that we have secured his room number, we decide to charge our $100 dollar breakfast to a Mr. Frank Trigg.

Goze: 2:00 pm. We arrive at Trigg's room 40 minutes later cause we ain't nobodies bitches! Did I say Trigg's room, I meant Trigg manor. This motherfucker's room was the size of my house back home. Marble floors, mahogany wood, plasma tvs, living room, sitting room, dining room, bar, monstrous bedroom and bath....I hate this guy.

Goze: I introduce Alton to Trigg just in case he doesn't remember him, our conversation goes something like this:

Alton: "Whats up man?"
Goze: "You remember this douche bag right?"
Trigg: "How could I forget, he was the only guy at the bar offering free tickets to the gun show." "I'm just busting balls, of course I remember you, so how you been Elton."

Goze: 2:05 pm. LOL, he just called him "Elton" we all begin to laugh at Elton...I mean Alton.

Alton: I tell Mayhem not to worry about it, and proceed to take a seat in his manor. After the usual 20 mins of insults and inside scoops, I mention to Trigg that I forgot to bring any triggonomics gear, and I wanted to support him at the weigh-ins and fights. Trigg is pretty cool about this stuff, last time he brought me personally to his warehouse and let me snag all kind of awesome swag. Now that we know each other a little better, he charges me 30 bucks for a XXL sweatshirt that doesn't fit. However, I would rather sell Nick Diaz some oregano than mess with Frank Trigg before fight day.

Goze: 3:00 pm. We leave Trigg's room and head to the sportsbook, where Alton and I have a conversation that would change our relationship forever.

Alton: "Hey look, this Sokoudjou guy is +1600."
Goze: "There is a reason he is that big of an underdog."
Alton: "Yeah but can you imagine if he wins?" "We could make $1,600 for every $100 we bet."
Goze: "You're dreaming jackass, that Jack and Coke has poisoned your mind."
Alton: "You're probably right man, besides, we can spend that money on booze!"
Goze: "Word!"

A LOT MORE ON THAT LATER!!!

Alton: 3:20 pm. George and Hot-Rod take off with Trigg while Goze and I head to the public workouts featuring Dan Henderson, that Sokoudjou guy, and pretty much the entire Chute Box team.

Goze: 3:30 pm. The following was one of the funniest things Ive ever witnessed on this earth! As we stand next to the Pride ring, we hear a ruckus in the crowd. Pride Middleweight Champion, Wanderlei Silva was making his way to the ring. As he gets closer, Alton sticks his hand out so that Wandy can high five him. For some reason, Wandy looks Alton up and down for a second....and then shakes his head no and walks away. I have never seen anyone left hanging the way Alton was. Picture walking into the Macaroni Grill and ordering a chili dog. Whatever look the waiter would have on his face....thats the look that was on Wandy's face.

Alton: If we weren't standing on cement, I would have slammed my head into the ground like an ostrich. After the crimson drained from my face, I notice Pride CEO Nobuyuki Sakakibara standing alone in the back of the crowd, I decide this is a photo opp I could not pass up.

Alton: 3:45 pm. I ask Goze to snap the picture for me. As we pose, I notice Goze is giggling. After the picture is taken, I ask Goze what he was laughing at.

Goze: 3:48 pm. If you look at the picture below, you will notice Alton pointing at Sakakibara. This makes sense, Sakakibara is a huge figure in MMA and a pioneer of the sport. He is know world Wide.



Then there is Alton. Alton has many nicknames that are hardly ever associated with greatness. The Worm, The condor, Beaks, Swoops, Left Eye, Elton, Walton, Denton, Alvin, Fenton, and so on. So what cracks me up is Pride's CEO is pointing at Alton right back, maybe I just have a fucked up sense of humor but for me, the picture paints the following message...

Alton: Look at me, I'm with Pride CEO Nobuyuki Sakakibara.
Nobuyuki Sakakibara: Look at me, I'm with "THAT GUY!"

Goze: 4:00 pm. We all decide to get some grub at a local pizza joint. On a side note, "Pizza is good!"

Goze: 6:00 pm. We are all in the room when we hear a knock at the door. Scott Peterson is on the other side of the door, normally I would be terrified to hear that news but in this case, we are dealing with Scott Peterson the owner of MMAWeekly.com and not Scott Peterson the murderer.

Alton: 6:05 pm. Along with Scott Peterson- the rest of the mma weekly crew swings by including Ken Pishna and Ricardo Mendoza. Goze and I had met the former, but this was our first time hanging out with Ricardo. If you can't tell already, we like to hurl the Mexican jokes at each other since, I am from El Paso, and Goze literally looks like a day old burrito in person. However, Ricardo really is Mexican- and thus, our unique brand of humor isn't the best impression to make on our guests. (before you ask- it wasn't the name Ricardo Mendoza that tipped me off, it was his blue flannel and chinos). Without our usual material, an uncomfortable silence ensues, until George finally enters the room


Goze: 6:10 pm. We start out our conversation kind of smooth with the old "how you doing?"
"How is the family?" "How was your flight?" Once we are finished blowing sunshine up Scott's ass, we move to more serious question which in turn lead to women. Alton becomes intrigued with these questions and begins to chime in. Its at this point we decide to remind Alton he is still a rookie and has much to learn. We pull out one of the oldest tricks in the book...

George: "So Alton, everyone remembers their first blow job, lets hear your story."
Alton: "Bro, my first blow job was magical, I was pretty much a trumpet getting serviced."
George: "So you would say your first blow job went pretty well?"
Alton: "Yeah man, there isn't much that can go wrong."
George: "So did the guy cum in your mouth?"
Alton: "I hate you guys!"

7:00 pm. Alton: I decide to test out the casino by playing a couple of hands of blackjack.

7:10 pm. Alton: We find a table that didn't have a hundred dollar minimum and begin to play.

7:20 pm. Goze: Alton is pretty much drunk at this point, drunk for most people means the following: Dizziness, redness of the face and ears, and slurred speech. In the case of Alton, this means lazy eye time. Alton's eye is out of control at this point.

Even Professor Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody from the Harry Potter Movies has more control over his eye. So you may be asking "what possible relevance does this have to the topic at hand?" As everyone already knows, casino pit bosses aren't really found of cheaters. This leads us to our next conversation...

Alton: "Shit man, I'm getting killed here!"
Blackjack Dealer: "Eyes on your own cards sir!"
Alton: "Huh?"
Goze: "Way to take my card dick!"
Alton: "Thats how we play cards in El Paso sucka!"
Blackjack Dealer: "Eyes on your own cards please, I won't ask you again!"
Alton: "Whats this guy talking about?"
Casino Pit Boss: "Is there a problem here?"
Blackjack Dealer: "This gentleman keeps looking at his friend's cards."
Casino Pit Boss: "If it happens again, you're out of here?"
Alton: "I'm sorry did we just slip into another universe?" "What the hell are you guys talking about?"
Goze: "Dude, your lazy eye is about to roll out of it's socket, he probably thinks your looking at my cards."
Alton: (In the drunkest slurring voice you will ever hear) "Sir, I have a problem with my eye, it has a mind of it's own and it's not cooperating with the worm right now."
Casino Pit Boss: "I'm going to need you both to leave now!"

8:00 pm. Goze: Consumed by laughter, we take a moment to regroup and piece together what had actually happened. Alton was mad drunk and extremely pissed at that guy, I literally had to yank him by the arm and get him out of there before they went Joe Pesci on our asses.

Alton: My eye is my eye, I have no explanation for it's actions. For the most part, it's a normal eye, it's only when Alcohol is introduced into the equation that my eye begins to droop. I apologize to Goze for losing his money.


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Ok guys, were gonna stop right here. We still have two more nights to recap and the next night is by far the best. I'm thinking we will release the rest of night two in our deleted scenes blog. Stay tuned for more adventures. Don't forget to register at www.TAGGRADIO.com

Take it easy baby!

Hey guys, a lot of you have been asking me about TAGG RADIO and when it will finally be on the air, well I have good news. The official launch date will be April 10, 2007. The show will be Monday - Friday morning at 9:30 am. to 10:30 am. PST. I promise it will be like nothing you have ever heard before.

For those of you who simply can't wait, Gorgeous George and I will be doing a one hour broadcast tonight at 10:30 pm. PST. We will be recapping the UFC show as well as previewing the Pride show which will air live from Japan thirty minutes after our broadcast.

Your job as the listener will be to go to www.TAGGRADIO.com and register. This is a simple process, simply click on the forums link at the top of the page and click register on the upper right hand corner. Registering will allow you to use the TAGG forums as well as the chat room. Both are available 24 hours a day, the chat will be used mostly during the live broadcast.

Don't forget!

1. Go to www.TAGGRADIO.com and register.

2. Hang out in the TAGG chat room during the UFC 69 PPV.

3. Listen to the live one hour broadcast tonight at 10:30 pm. PST and hang out in the chat during the show.

4. Tune in April 10, 2007 for the first official broadcast of TAGG RADIO. Frank Trigg, Gorgeous George, and myself will all be there.

Thanks for all your support.

Goze

I know, I know, it's been two weeks. Ive been really busy with school and the radio show which by the way is almost complete. Ive added some banners for TAGG radio below so if you wanna show your support, throw one of those bad boys up on your page.

I realize there are a lot of new people here so allow me to explain what today's blog is all about. Back in September, we flew out one of my subscribers named Alton from El Paso Texas to California so that he may spend the weekend with my friends and I. While in California, he would attend my birthday party as well as a UFC headlined by Matt Hughes and B.J. Penn. Alton's only job was to write a detailed description of his adventures while in California. Needless to say we got into a little bit of trouble which made for a great read.

Alton's recap was so popular, we decided to invite him to join us at Pride 33 in Las Vegas. We stayed in Vegas for a total four nights, what you will be reading today is the first night of our trip. This time we will both be telling the tale so make sure you pay attention to who is talking and the time stamp. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did writing it. Next week we will have night number two up.

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The Adventures of Alton and Goze! (Night One)

Goze: 7:00 am. I wake up with a twinkle in my eye for it is the day I leave on my quest to Las Vegas to see Pride 33 The Second Coming.  Nothing will get in my way, I have had these plans for months now.

Goze: 7:01 am. I get out of bed and feel a little sick, this might have to do with the fact that I spent the previous night preparing for my trip by going to bed late, eating junk food, and watching Jenna Jameson's "The Second Cumming." No sleep + bad food + porn = Cranky, Shitty, and Horny.

Goze: 7:05 am. I place a call into Johnny California asking him to wake up my brother George so that he may arrive to my house on time.  We needed to get to vegas by 2:30 pm in order to have sufficient time to pick up our press passes and see the first training session which included the likes of Hiyato Mach Sakurai, Kazuo Misaki, and Takanori Gomi. This is very important to me because Gomi and Sakurai are two of my favorite Japanese fighters and I would simply die if I missed them.

Goze: 10:30 am. I get a call from Alton AKA "The Worm." After fielding what felt like an eternity of questions, (more on that later) Alton is good to go and at the Airport ready to get into a drunken stupor. You see, Worm is afraid of flying, which completely baffles me seeing that he used to jump out of planes for a living. You figure he's been through the worst, bad food and tight spaces should be a piece of cake for him.  Did I mention he's Alton?

Goze: 10:45 am. Gorgeous George and Rodney arrive to scoop me up. We are already slightly behind schedule but not out of the race. Lets just hop in that car and go baby!

Goze: 11:20 am. Gorgeous George wraps up his goodbyes, Ive seen people leave for Iraq and have less goodbyes. Finally, we are on the road!

Goze: 11:25 am. Only minutes into our trip, a rock is hurled into the air by a trucker in front of us, lucky for us, the rock slammed into Rodney's jeep cracking his one week old windshield. Rodney goes berserk! This is the fourth windshield he has had to replace in the last six months. On the plus side, Rodney is studying to be a pilot, no rocks 70 miles above the ground, only missiles and ground to air fire. Good times.

Goze: 2:50 pm. We arrive in Las Vegas and pull into Caesar's Palace, the hotel that will be hosting all the festivities for Pride FC. We check into our room and go down stairs to pick up our press credentials and see the first of many training sessions.

Goze: 3:10 pm. Hayato Mach Sakurai is in the ring throwing Matt Hume around.  For those of you who have never seen Sakurai up close, he looks like the kind of guy you would find selling used cars. I dare you to make a late payment, this mutherfucker can throw down!!!

Goze: 3:25 pm. Worm calls...

Goze: "Who dis?"

Worm: "I'll be pulling into Caesar's Palace in ten minutes!"

Goze: "You realize you changed your entire flight just so that you could be at these workouts right?" "If you hurry, you can catch Gomi's workout."

Worm: "I'll hurry."

Goze: 3:26 pm. Kazuo Misaki steps into the ring. This is important to me because this monster will be facing one of my good friends, a mister Frank Trigg later that weekend. Misaki does not disappoint, after beating some pads, he shows off some Judo throws and rolls with another used car salesman for about ten minutes.

Goze: 3:40 pm. Pride's Lightweight Champion Takanori Gomi steps into the Pride ring to a thunderous ovation. I feel like a kid who just walked into Toys-R-US for the first time.

Goze: 3:42 pm. After hitting mitts for two minutes at speeds that couldn't knock over a drunk one legged pirate with vertigo, Gomi leaves the ring. We drove to Vegas at speeds of a hundred miles an hour just to see this cocksucker throwdown and he only works out for two minutes? Seriously, Ive broken more of a sweat jerking off than this guy did in the entire two minutes he worked out.



Goze: 3:43 pm. Workouts are done.

Goze: 3:44 pm. Worm calls and alerts us he is at the front of the hotel. I inform Alton that he has arrived just in time to miss all three workouts.

Goze: 3:45 pm. Alton weeps, we laugh.

Goze: 3:46 pm. We are still laughing.

Goze: 3:47 pm. We stop to take a picture with Shogun Rua.



Goze: 3:48 pm. We start laughing at Alton again.

Goze: 3:50 pm. George, Rodney, and I walk to the front entrance to meet Alton. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting the worm, Alton has many different looks that he enjoys sporting. You would have an easier time spotting Waldo on the 4th of July than you would spotting Alton in an elevator. I myself was very curious to see which worm would arrive.

Goze: 3:51 pm. Alton brings back the cherry wood hair color which I must say really brings out his dirty brown skin and lazy eye.

Goze: 3:52 pm. We head for the room so that Alton can drop off his bags.

Alton: 4:00 pm. As we walk up to the room Goze is a couple of feet ahead of us.  We notice that behind us, Mark Coleman and Wes Simms are getting close to passing us.  Before they do, Goze's brother Gorgeous George yells out "Hey Goze, what makes you so sure Mark Coleman and Wes Simms are pussies?"  Confused, Goze turns to find the twin towers right behind him.  Goze turns light brown, I say light brown because Mexicans don't actually turn white.  

Alton: 4:05 pm. Coleman and Simms spare Goze's life and we celebrate the ruse by taking pictures.



Alton: 4:10 pm. We arrive in our room in the Agustus Tower.

Alton: 4:15 pm. Let me preface this by explaining that I may have been ... well, a little drunk. And by a little, I mean that stock in Jack Daniels went up 20 points each day I was in Vegas. So, most people when you haven't seen them in a while, ask how "you have been, whats new, etc." 
Goze instead asks me, "Dude, am I taller than you now?" He decides we should go back to back, and then blows a level 6 burrito fart on my leg. I say my leg, because, I am about 4 inches taller than him….yet, for all my height, not smart enough to not fall for the gag. 

Goze: 4:20 pm. The gag was pulled off without a glitch...well almost without a glitch, the fart was a little more powerful than expected, off to the shower I go.

Goze: 5:00 pm. George, Hot Rod, Worm, and I all head for the food court in the hotel. We tear through our food like a pack of Hyenas whose last four kills consisted of Paris Hilton, Mary Kate Olsen, Nicole Ritchie, and Dr. Ruth.  

Goze: 5:40 pm. While we allow our meals to settle, we lay into each other with a plethora of insults mostly revolving around Alton's new hair color, my newly found stuttering pr-pr-problem, George's beer belly, Hot Rod's spider windshield, and Alton's mysterious lazy eye.  

Goze: 6:00 pm. We head back to our room.
  
Alton: 6:15 pm. After unloading all of my stuff and a few more drinks, Goze tells me that we are going to head to John Lewis's place to watch Trigg do some last minute workouts with the legendary Matt Hume and his trainer Ron Frazier.  We pile into Hot-Rod's jeep and shoot out to the (something uno novai facility). Already, I can tell this is going to be the greatest trip of my life, nothing will ruin my vacation!

Alton: 6:45 pm.  I receive news that ruins my vacation. The Other Croatian Sensation calls Goze and effectively tells him I have less than 72 hours to live. It seems that Jeremy "The Scorpion" Jackson has found out that I am going to be escorting the lovely Wahine (his girlfriend ) to Pride on Saturday. It also appears that Jeremy "The Scorpion" Jackson is not too happy about that. Lastly, it appears that Jeremy "The Scorpion" Jackson is a bad match-up stylistically for me, as he is a professional fighter and I am a professional pussy.
 
Alton: 7:00 pm. I tell Goze to fix this situation and call The Scorpion so he knows nothing is going on, and instead of helping me, that fool responds with a grin and says Take it easy baby! (Yes- he does say that cheesy shit in real life.)

Goze 7:10 pm We leave for the gym. Scared half to death, Alton begins to blend with everything else white in Las Vegas.  I guess Mexicans can turn white after all.

Goze: 7:15 pm. Being the great friends that we are, Hot-Rod and I decide to come up with a strategy to help put Alton at ease.  Our plan: Alton is to hold his hands as low as possible and hope for a quick KO.

Goze: 7:16 pm. Unhappy with his corner men, Alton demands a new strategy.

Goze: 7:17 pm. I tell alton to "take it easy baby!"  

Goze: 7:20 pm. We arrive at the academy. Alton demands Hot- Rod park his jeep in the handicap spot in case an emergency were to arise and Alton should have to make a quick getaway.  We look Alton over and decide there should be no problem...I mean whats the difference, he's gonna be handicapped soon anyway!

Alton 7:30 pm. Trigg begins his two hour training session, while Goze, George, Hot Rod, and I sit upstairs next to some Japanese guys. Not big enough to be fighters, we quickly realize that it must be two of the Pride referees, including Yuji Shimada! For those who don't know, Yuji is the Pride Equivalent of Big John McCarthy, a virtual cornucopia of mma knowledge and experience.  Immediately Gorgesjorj engages Yuji in a complex discussion on American vs Japanese sociopolitical issues, differences in the fan base, and suggestions that Yuji could pass onto President Sakikabara. I tell Goze, hey man, this is a once in a lifetime chance, we need to ask Yuji something. Goze agrees, and comes up with our million dollar question. "Who would win between a 2006 King Kong, and a 1998 Godzilla?"

Alton: 9:30 pm. With the training session coming to an end, Goze approaches the Pride Icon and asks the only question two college graduates could think of. Yugi smiles and answers "Godzilla."

Trigg Training





Goze: 9:40 pm. We head back to Caesar's Palace.  George, tired from watching other people sweat decides he will stay in the room while Hot-Rod, Worm, and I head for a bar in hotel.

Goze: 9:41 pm. I size up my crew and quickly make an executive decision, we just aren't good looking enough to land any hot ass. We needed a gimmick and we needed one fast. I remember that Frank Trigg is throwing the after party for Pride 33 at Club Pure in Caesar's Palace. I figure that with our Pride press passes on, we could tell the ladies that we are in charge of getting hot women into the after party. Did I mention Trigg was only allowed ten free passes into the club? (well get to that disaster on night three)

Goze: 9:45 pm. The plan is a hit, we score faster than Diego Sanchez at a Grateful Dead concert. After I add the new phone numbers to my cell phone, we say our goodbyes and decide we need a change in scenery. By change in scenery, I mean we need to find trashier women to go with the high class bitches we just courted...thats right, we don't discriminate, we loves all the ladies.

Alton 11:00 pm. : After leaving the thirty dollar drinks at Caesars, we head to Imperial Palace because Hot Rod said its easy to hook up with trashy broads that don't stay at the nicer joints. Sounded like a good plan.

11:15 pm. Alton: On our way to more debauchery, we see "America's Best" Dan Henderson standing outside talking to Triggs' boss Turi. Unable to resist a picture of a lifetime, I approach them. I smoothly interrupt their conversation and ask if I can get a picture. Henderson says sure- so I bump him out of the way and pose with Turi. Noticing Dan was kind of butthurt, I ask him- "Dan, did you want one with me?"  Hendo laughs and says sure- but,  for good measure, I make sure to ruin it with the drunk lazy eye face.



Goze: For those of you who are new to our adventures, Alton for the most part has a normal face and by normal I mean ugly.  For some reason when this dude gets alcohol in his system, he develops a lazy eye.  This eye has pretty much fucked up every picture weve taken. Notice the picture above and the shots below.

Exhibit A



Exhibit B



Goze: 11:30 pm. We decide to get a walk in and proceed to visit the Bellagio, Paris, and Ballys.  Tired and more bored than a five-year-old at a three tenors concert, Hot-Rod again mentions the Imperial Palace.

Goze: 12:30 pm. We arrive at the Imperial Palace and hit on everything female we see.  During our quest for America's drunkest sorority girl, we come across a pretty decent looking bird standing alone in a karaoke bar. 

Alton: 12:31 pm. Goze notices I'm hitting the booze a little hard and reminds me it's a marathon not a sprint, we still have four more days in Vegas. I take this opportunity to blast my host with a taste of his own medicine.  "Take it easy baby!" I tell him.

Goze: 12:35 pm. We introduce ourselves to Stacy and proceed to a table. 
 
Alton 12:45 pm. So, there we are at drunk karaoke night at Imperial Palace. Everything that is coming out of this Stacey girls mouth is straight from Jerry Springer. Most guys would have simply walked away to avoid catching a communicable disease, but we couldn't resist. I could tell that Goze, being the playboy from the O.C. that he is, was not about to be outdone. Instead of bringing Stacy up to our level, he instead decides to go down to hers. After ordering another round of booze, Goze looks at me and winks. "Paper, rock scissors- loser lets this chic blast them in the face. Once again, my unstoppable rock comes to the rescue-Goze has to take the face shot. We pitch the idea to stacy, and the hillbilly with seven kids who is banging her boss on homeclips.com actually looks at us like WE are the crazy ones. But, she agrees. First shot- pretty hard. I lie to Goze and say I didn't get it on camera, we have to do it again! Second shot…Stacy winds up and blasts Goze in the face like the trailer park toughman title was on the line!! The point of all this…I don't know either. Until Goze tells me that Stacy confessed to a wicked drop kick, and technically- it was my turn. I begin to hate my host just a little bit more…

Goze gets blasted



Goze: 1:45 pm and a gallon of alcohol later.  We go to the adjacent sports book where Alton sports a fearless look in his eye, I say eye because Alton is shit faced at this point which means the other eye is focused on a random South American country. 

Goze: 1:50 pm. Lucky for Alton, Stacy removes her Harley Davidson boot before she gets into Chuck Liddell mode.  She charges Alton screaming violently a la Bobby Bouche in the Waterboy. Alton who has his hands behind his back prepares for the chest kick.

Three things I neglected when I thought up this stunt. One, Common sense, two, Stacy has no formal training, three, trailer park is about 5'1" she couldn't hit Alton's chest if she were on stilts.

Goze: 1:51 pm. After getting half an inch of air, and missing her target by two feet, Stacy proceeds to crush Alton's twig and berries.    

Alton's nuts get mashed



Goze: 1:52 pm. Hot Rod and I laugh.

Goze: 1:54 pm. We finally stop laughing and remind Alton he must play like a champion and re-shoot the bit.  For shot number two, Alton gets on his knees.  Stacy charges like a bull and lands her kick putting Ultimate Fighter Pat Smith to shame.  Rodney was right, the Imperial Palace rocks!

Alton takes kick number two



Alton: 2:30 pm.  After leaving the Palace and getting blasted in the nuts and chest- I decide it's time to call it a night. We head back to Caesar's, stopping periodically to invite people to the after party "we" were throwing at Club Pure. As we walk through the hotel lobby, I take once last stab. I enter the Cleopatra's Boat Club and do a quick cool guy lap. I notice two girls in the corner- and tell them I am promoting a party and was wondering if they wanted to come. The girl, who we will call Sarah, tells me that she would love to, and asks if there will be famous people there. Hint 1. I notice her accent and ask where she is from. "Russia",- Hint 2.  She confesses they are from L.A., and are in Vegas trying to get jobs as dancers.  Hint 3, the trifecta is complete!!! Goze comes in, and I introduce him to my new Russian Stripper friend.  We decide waking up Gorgesjorj with a naked lap dance would be the ultimate gag to end the night. 

Goze: I lend Alton a hundred bucks, and tell him his only mission in life is to make the dance for George happen. Hot-Rod and I proceed to the room to make the arrangements.  I pull out my laptop and fine "Purple Rain."   This is a stripper's worst enemy as it is nine minutes long.  I dim the lights and wait for Alton to bring up the stripper.

To be continued.....

Technically weve been in day number two for the last two hours so we will stop here.


Take it easy baby!

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As many of you already know, my brother (Gorgeous George) and I have been friends with MMA fighter, Frank Trigg, for some time now.  We met Trigg back when he was the co-host of MMAWeekly's "Soundoff" radio show, along with Ryan Bennett, the founder of MMAWeekly.  His radio show was a huge part of our lives, it was the first place MMA fans would go to get their news and it usually set the tempo for our day.  Ryan and Trigg poured their hearts into the radio show, starting off small and slowly building to an enormous fan base.  Just as the engine was running smooth on all cylinders, Ryan was taken away from us in a tragic car accident.  

Thousands of MMA fans mourned the loss of one of the original pioneers of mixed martial arts and many fans were left in limbo.  It wasn't until a couple of months had passed that MMAWeekly's "Soundoff" radio show returned to the air to join other shows out there such as Sherdog's "Beatdown".  These shows have followed the recipe that Ryan left us and have continued to provide millions of fans with breaking news as well as stellar interviews.  Still, we feel that void in our lives for us morning people and although we cannot bring our friend back, we sure as hell can continue in his footsteps.

On that note, I am proud to announce to you, my subscribers and MMA fans joining me for the first time that starting Monday, March 19th you will once again have a "live" MMA morning radio show.  Today we proclaim the birth of "TAGG Radio."  TAGG will be hosted by Gorgeous George and Icon Middleweight Champion, Frank "Twinkle Toes" Trigg and will feature myself as the third man in the booth as well as the show's producer. 

Professional fighter Frank Trigg has been busy as of late balancing his broadcasting career along with his return to mixed martial arts competition. Trigg is fresh off his victory in Pride over Kazuo Misaki and is excited to finally make his return to live radio. There are still some finishing touches that we will be announcing in the next 48 hours re: site, times, and days so stay tuned to this blog.    

Thank you for all your support.

Goze

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Well guys, you heard the announcement, I hope you show us some love by spreading the word to all your friends. Know this, I couldn't have done any of this without the support of all of you, thank you for everything you do.

Ok, enough with the serious talk, lets get down to some shenanigans. I have an interview here for you people. Hope you like it.

***Beware the following interview contains some nudity***

15 Questions with Mayhem Miller




1. Goze: How Goze it?

Mayhem: Female Genital Mutilation is wrong.

Goze: You're telling me, trying banging this chick, her cooter looks like something out of Rob Zombie movie. THERE WAS A NASTY VAGINA PIC BUT I DECIDED TO TAKE IT DOWN.

2. Goze: Your last fight was against Frank Trigg in Icon, aside from the obvious, what would you say went wrong?

Mayhem: I got kicked in the face. If you are asking me to make excuses, I won't, but I had more drama than most people will ever see in their life leading up to and right after that fight.

Goze: True, now that it's all behind you, I'm sure you will return to your winning ways soon.

3. Goze: Trigg has said he believes you should have a fight or two before you get a rematch, do you think that is fair or do you feel you deserve an immediate rematch?

Mayhem: That's fair, I just don't want him to go retiring before I have the chance to put it on him like he did me. He had a great showing against Misaki in the most recent Pride and that is a tough SOB.. I just want a shot at him again, since he made me have an after party at a hospital.

Goze: Hospitals are underrated, think about it, free drink, free food, and the bitches are already dressed up in nurses outfits!

4. Goze: So how did the whole Team Quest union come about?

Mayhem: I helped Dan train for Bustamante a while back and found out that the guys down in Temecula are a great group of training partners as well as people who accept me despite my mental problems and hyperactive streak that rears it's ugly head more often than not.

Goze: When you think of all the cats that have come out of Team Quest, you basically have a list of hall of famers. It's safe to say you are in good company.

5. Goze: Lets change the subject. Your on a date with Eva Longoria, shes blowing you in the car as you drive.  Out of the corner of your eye you see an old lady trip on a sidewalk crack, do you keep driving or do you stop and  see if she's ok?

Mayhem: Easiest question to answer ever. I pull the E-brake in time to fishtail around, jamming Eva's head down simultaneously, and grab the old lady by her bee-hive for the double-team BJ while doing 120 down the 405 freeway.

Goze: Jesus, I don't think Sandra Bullock in the movie "Speed" was that reckless behind the wheel! You are definitely the James Bond of MMA my friend.

6. Goze: Whats worse? 

(A) Eating an entire bowl of chili only to find a used biore strip at the bottom of the bowl?

(B) Playing twister with a greased up John Lovitz?

Mayhem: John Lovitz is a close personal friend of mine, and actually has the body odor of sweet lavender. Very soothing. So I would have to choose A, even though I would recommend a different exfoliating cleanser to any chili cook.

Goze: LOL, thats definitely sound advise.

7. Goze: Robbie Lawler has shown interest in fighting you again, do you see that fight happening anytime soon?

Mayhem: I'm sure anything is possible, this is the fight business. We probably will, and he will lose again.

Goze: Word.

8. In what organization will we be seeing you fight next?

Mayhem: The Rational Response Squad

Goze: Booooo!!!

9. Goze: How flexible is the UFC as far as allowing you to fight in other organizations?

Mayhem: I don't know if I'm fighting in the UFC, so you'd have to ask them at info@ufc.com

Goze: That would require me leaving myspace and that my friend is way beyond my comfort zone!

10. Goze: You've been known to take on all challengers, is there anyone in the UFC you wouldn't want to fight right away? 

Mayhem: Joe Rogan. I would definitely get a positive test for marijuana if we were to fight.

Goze: Plus then he would have to worry about Carlos Mencia stealing his techniques. Two weeks after that fight Mencia would be at The Laugh Stop snapping homaplatas on the opening acts.

11. You are the guy who actually gave Ryan Loco his nickname, lets see just how good you know him. Which one of these masked warriors is really Ryan Loco?

(A) 

(B) 

(C)  

(D) 

Mayhem: Well, A's package is too big... B, is too athletic looking.... C, looks like white trash and D looks like a champion of some sort, so I'm guessing D. Maybe a fishing, bowling, or Movie Line Quotation Champion.

Goze: Sorry, the answer is D. No worries, I thought it was B.

12. Goze: As a fighter, who do you look up to the most?

Mayhem: Tall people usually. Sometimes I just look them in the nipples, especially if they are Amazonian women.

Goze: It's hard not to, they have nipples the size of flapjacks!

13. Goze: I spent Valentines day with the person I love the most in this world...ME!!! How did you spend it?

Mayhem: I took my old lady to the Zoo to see my family. The silverback wasn't happy when I yelled and stared at him from outside the enclosure.

Goze: Silverback? Miletech was there?

14. Goze: You were recently at the Fatal Femmes show, whats your take on females competing in Mixed Martial Arts?

Mayhem: Hot. I thought there were some talented women in the cage, but I'm such a pervert that I can't really watch the fights without thinking dirty ass thoughts.. which makes me feel really weird about chicks who watch the fights all the time. I feel guilty for thinking those thoughts, because they are talented fighters, I just see the cute lil japanese chick, and I'm like- "kow-I-EE! Oh wait, she's getting punched in the grill piece, wtf?"

Goze: So you're saying you wouldn't be trying to pass Gina Carano's guard?

15. Goze: The monkeys seem to play a huge role in your life, do you have anything you want to say to them?

Mayhem: I usually speak to the monkeys directly via myspace...so they know whats up, but keep your peepers peeled- big stuff on the horizon, word=born.

Goze: There you have it people, the man, the myth, the monkey!

For more on Mayhem Miller including bonus questions from this interview, visit mymmaspace.com. Mayhem will be their featured fighter of the week. Please check out his profile and if you haven't done so already, please join in on all the fun by creating your own profile.

Take it easy baby!