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LiL Josh

Joshua Weigand


Last Updated: 5/21/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 25
Sign: Taurus

City: New York
State: New York
Country: US
Signup Date: 2/18/2006

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June 6, 2008 - Friday 

WELL HELLO ALL AGAIN-

It's been a while since I've done this, and Yes I missed you all. This time I have decided again to change my life style, of course nothing as drastic as..(intro scary music!!) THE MASTER CLEANSE!! Which I still get terrifying night tremors of me naked huddled over the toilet shivering from withdraw and licking a can of tuna while caressingly whispering "My precious...!!!" 

This time I have decided to do something much more healthy and less dramatic. Again I just feel in a rut, I feel like I've hit a plateau in every different venue of my life. My career although I'm still learning I've hit somewhat of a metaphorical brick wall with no metaphorical door to walk through or metaphorical hook and ladder to climb over, not even a metaphorical jet pack to fly with.

My condo in SpaHa even though it resembles an enchanted home (complete with live-in woodland creatures) it's not the goal that I had set out for myself when originally moving into this harlem homo hostel. I continuously ache for my studio or one bedroom in the east village complete with working fireplace, dishwasher and dryer, seductive bedroom furniture and a private terrace where I would have my secret garden of herbs and spices that I would tend to every Saturday morning in my matching Martha Stewart apron and gardening tools purchased at Macy's. I would have a doorman and beautiful marble lobby where only attractive people were allowed to reside with in the building. Sadly I've become too comfortable in Spaha, Spaha...where the folks are broke, Spaha...where my life's a joke..Spaha..where the crack heads flop in the snow...(you get the point)

And then there's my love life...or lack there of..let's just say I'm envious of those little boys that are allowed to play in MJ's Never Never Land - and do you think there's an age limit?

So I've decided to go on a sabbatical, because I want to keep moving forward and stop standing still. And to move forward I need to change something about my current behavior that is preventing me from saving money, paying off my debt, purchasing my luxury apartment and getting laid. So I had to sit down and seriously ask myself some hard hitting questions. "What am I doing on a daily basis that's burning through my money, energy, time and daily eagerness for life. Is it Prestige, no. Is it the 2 separate ushering jobs, no, although having to usher does slightly chip away at my soul to live but the small lumps of money I receive from ushering justify the castrating of my pride. Could it be the consistent drinking and other daily bad habits that I continuously purchase and induce into my body? Well I don't know but somehow I feel like this could be a lead.

So my plan: I am going to entirely cut out cigarettes - I'll miss you Marlboro Man you were the only man that was there for me every time I needed him. I am going to entirely cut out any other extra curricular bad habits that are way too expensive and in the end self-destructive. And finally the biggest one I am going to cut out…drinking. That's it goodbye my friends: Johnny, James, Jack, Gin, and Svdeka! I know it will be hard, and I'm saying that an occasional glass of wine while sitting at home watching Charmed or a beer while at a house party is allowed. But there is no more buying and guzzling the weekly 3 bottles of vodka with Freddy every Friday & Saturday night while pre-gaming and then heading out to hit the bars. Gone are the nights of purchasing the liters of only the most expensive wine SpaHa bodega's have to offer and consuming it by myself on a Monday night. Which would only cause me to get emotionally drunk stumbling around my apartment in my underwear with a cigarette hanging between my lips, crying in the bathtub as I drunk dial ex's and wonder why my life is going nowhere.

I know what you all are thinking…"Yay, right Josh…we'll see if you really follow through with this…YOU stop partying..that's like asking a Gay Bear to not have anonymous sex in Central Park". Well Bitches this is for real and I've already put it into notion. Tuesday night I went out to a bar and DID NOT drink. I did not have one sip of alcoholic beverage and afterwards although a friend attempted to lure me into the seedy bars of Hell's Kitchen, I kindly declined jumped on the subway and headed home~

My thought is with this extra time to give it back to myself, enjoy other healthy extra curricular actives, go to the gym, clean my apartment, hang out in central park on the weekend tanning instead of hiding hung-over in the dark. I do wonder though which friendships will quickly dissipate considering our only interactions were consisted of drunken debauchery. But I guess if the friendships fade then they were only fickle to begin with.

I can do this and I will continue my sabbatical until I have my new apartment! Get back on track with the reasons I moved into this oh so wonderful and magical city. And like another friend kindly put me in my place this previous weekend, "If that means I have to cut back and not go out for a couple months to save money and get my shit together then so be it!"

Wish Me Luck!

2:37 PM 
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February 8, 2008 - Friday 

HELLO EVERYONE!


I know..I know these days are late. I've continuously received comments, messages, emails and singing telegrams asking me for new updates! And I appreciate and thank all of you for your interest and support. The reason I have not posted new blogs is NOT because I cracked as so many of you assumed and accused me of. It's nice to see what you all really think of me. Although who am I kidding I never would have believed me either!


The reason there have been no new blogs is because NOOOOTTTHHHHIINNGGG....has been happening in my life. NOTHING! That's right when you go on the cleanse your life DIES. For the last three days I have woken up, gone to work, drank my ass water, gone to the gym and gone home! So incredibly exciting right. Some of the nights I watched porn (**thank you Jamie for the free account name and password - and yes I did enjoy the clip from HOT PIG DADDY BAREBACKING BOY CUB) which I used to entertain myself (If you know what I mean) but sadly I think even my hand has lost interest in me.


Also all my previous attempts this week to entertain myself have been futile, I'm assuming because the lack of food in my body, its preventing me from being able to reach the climax of my activity. Leaving me feeling the same way I did 6 years ago when I couldn't get it up for my high school girlfriend - confused, embarrassed and a little bit scared.


Although I did continue to get a constant stream of text messages from my friends and roommate informing me of their adventures bar hopping. As if this wasn't enough it continued and I received messages informing me that they had coincidentally bumped into each other at the same bar and how funny is that and they celebrated their serendipity by toasting shots! God I hate my friends.


Tomorrow is the 10th day. God how time flies when you emaciate yourself. You're wild rollercoaster of emotions. The uncontrollable bowel movements that puts you in a constant state of panic that you might not make it to the bathroom in time. And the constant feeling of nausea mixed with pain you feel as your stomach convulses in on itself while your body tries its last resort to feed off any fat cells feebly floating around before finally resorting to breaking down your muscles as its only source of nourishment. Leaving you with an outward resemblance to Skeletor. This I imagine is what the Olsen twins must feel like every day.


My short flight into the world of Hollywood woman stops tomorrow. I eagerly look forward to introducing my stomach to solid foods. Starting of slow with broths and soups and eventually graduating my way up to crackers and croissants by lunch. My goal is by dinner to try something more solid like a little bit of pasta.


Oddly enough I've been a vegetarian for almost a decade but this fasting has in satiated my appetite for meat. All week I've been daydreaming about dashing into the KFC near my apartment (is anyone really surprised that there's a KFC in Harlem?) and gorging myself in a bucket of the colonel's greasiest wings. I'm already visioning the flecks of bread crumbs clinging to my cheeks as I pull my head out of the bucket only to gargle some gravy with mash potatoes before diving back in.


Of course I already have it planned that on the stroke of Midnight tomorrow night I'll be laying horizontal on the bar as the bartender simultaneously pours all the ingredients to a Long Island from the bottles directly into my mouth.


WISH ME LUCK EVERYONE


because tomorrow's the last day of......


THE MASTER CLEANSE!~


 

5:47 PM 
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February 3, 2008 - Sunday 
Well after the chaotic adventure of Friday this weekend is pretty lame. One side effect of not drinking, partying or eating, which pretty much elimnates 99.9% of my social life is that I am forced to be productive.

I cleaned my room which ended up in me finding my lost shoe, an earing, a pair of boxer briefs (not mine), $2.37 in loose change, and three empty condom wrappers (I'm assuming they went along with the boxer briefs in question).

Afterwards I dropped off my laundry, and no I don't do my own laundry I drop it off. It's only a five dollar difference and if you think I'm going to sit in a laundromat in spanish harlem fighting over who was at the dryer first with some robust black women three times my size your outta your mind.

Afterwards I went to the gym! All part of my master cleanse and I think I was lifting weight next to Charlie Sheen the entire time! Next on my list of productivity I deciced to get a hair cut. I've been in NY for over a year and haven't found my messiah hair salon yet. A very upsetting thing I know so I try out different salons hoping to find the one that's just right. This time I'll try a salon next to my friend's apartment in HK.

Let's just say HORRIBLE MISTAKE!! AWFUL! My hairstylist ended up being this puerto rican who was ridiculously overly FLAMBOYANT - to the point where he makes Carson Kressley look like Hulk Hogan. Who while he was cutting my hair kept looking away to gab with his friends in spanish. I got so fed up that I yelled - "HEY MUCHO WATCH THE HAIRO!"

In the end he turned my chair around so i could see my new dew in the mirror to discover HE BUTCHERED MY HAIR!! BUTCHERED IT! Not only did he completely cut it too short and al the style out of my hair but he left the sides puffy and long. So my head somewhat resembled the tip of a penis! And then he proceeded to gloop on by the handful some cheap blue LA STYLES 99 cent hair gel on my scalp. So now my penis head has blue goop dribbling from the top!

I called friends to cry and ask for support in my time of need. Freddy said it didn't look so bad and that at least it covered my receding hair line! I internally SHRIEKED inside my mind and at that point I contemplated taking the fork prong hanging in the kitchen and jabbing it in his eyes. I called my friend Nick who with his monotone voice and lack of conversation obviously wasn't interested in my distress but continued to ask me what would be the best bars for him and his friends to go and get wasted tonight. Hmm. FUCK YOU NICK!

I've resided to wearing a hat for the rest of the weekend until I can find a competent NON ETHNIC hair salon that I can go to get my dick head fixed. I'm open to suggestions...

(p.s. I've included a picture below..PLEASE HELP!)

Photobucket

and now it's off to the gym again and then ushering..my closing thoughts.

ALL SPANISH PEOPLE SHOULD BE ROUNDED UP AND DROPPED FROM A PLANE BACK TO MEXICO WHERE THEY CAME FROM...

oh...

THE MASTER CLEANSE!
5:32 PM 
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February 3, 2008 - Sunday 


I'm at work..working diligently on processing bookings, or logging in appointments, or emailing auditions to actors, or whatever the hell responsibility I was on autopilot doing. My body thoroughly empty and my bottle of cleanse juice the same color as my ass water sitting placidly on desk - when Erica from Avalon Artists Agency whose down the hall comes BARGING in, like the animal stampede in Jumanji, which she does every time she comes in our office.

Apparently it's Robyn's birthday so Erica asked if I would accompany to pick up a card and cake for Robyn. Sure why not sounds fun. I can handle that, or so I thought.

During lunch Erica and I rush over to Penn Station in search of Robyn's cake. At this point she DRAGS me through the station from one bakery to the next looking for the perfect birthday cake. The smells of Sbarro's, KFC, and Auntie Anne's Pretzels were intoxicating. Suddenly it hits me, this biatch knows I'm on this cleanse and she has me running around the food-courts of Penn Station in a hunt for ice-cream cake. Oh wait till I'm off my cleanse at the end of next week Erica. I'll switch around all the food point values in her Weight Watchers book and have her unknowingly eating 5,000 calories a day, that'll teach her! HAHAHA.

We find our cake and have the cake man write a personal greeting on it. Oddly enough I can't help but think he's kind of cute – I scold myself for checking out the Short Mexican Penn Station Carvel Cake Employee – it must be the no food for four days talking. While waiting Erica proceeds to buy freshly baked Cinnabuns and grotesquely nosh on them in front of me. I went along with the joke and laughed with Erica but secretly I envisioned myself knocking her down and stealing her cinnabuns (and possibly her wallet too) before running out the store.

The rest of the day was uneventful until we were all forced to evacuate due to the building being on fire. Achilles, Robyn and I had to walk down 11 flights of stairs on the outside fire escape in the rain. I sat out there in the dark, in the cold, with Achilles and Robyn having to pee and contemplating just finding the fire and peeing on that as my contribution. I could smell someone smoking marijuana off in the distance...God that lucky bastard. The fire just ended up being a blown elevator generator.

Later that evening I met up with Freddy with big plans to the beginning of our weekend of doing nothing. Unfortunately by this point I was STARVING. STARVING to the point of wanting to throw up, just so I would have something to eat. I told Freddy my ill feelings and he kept on berating me with a slew of positive words and phrases trying to cheer me up. I don't want to be cheered up Freddy I want to EAT! By the time we had arrived at my apartment I was ravenous almost to the point of hysterical. Freddy went to the bathroom and I took my opportunity. I couldn't take it anymore I had to eat. Freddy had the faucet on in the bathroom so I knew he wouldn't be able to hear me. I secretly slipped to my kitchen cabinets and opened them up looking for the one item I knew was in there. AHA there it was…a single can of Bumble Bee Tuna. Oh sweet JESUS food! I slipped the can into my coat jacket. Like a rabid squirrel I quickly looked over my shoulder, to make sure Freddy hadn't evacuated the bathroom I sneakily put my hand in the kitchen draw and took out the can opener and hid that in my other jacket pocket.

Freddy came out of the bathroom and headed to the living room to watch TV. I walked around the apartment opening drawers and closing closet doors pretending to be busy but secretly forming the rest of the plan in my head, while Freddy put on the DVD we were going to watch tonight. I kept up a constant stream of small talk while continuing with my espionage. I mentioned how I was going to take a hot shower to get the cold from the rain out of me. I went into the bathroom and stashed my coat with the secret goods behind the exposed pipes of the toilet. I turned on the shower to let the bathroom heat up. I immediately stripped down all my clothes and threw a towel around me. Then I dashed back into the kitchen pretending to continue the conversation about my excitement tonight to watch Gremlins, but secretly I was reading Freddy to see if he was on to me. HA – not a clue. I had to stop myself from almost running back to the bathroom. I turned on the faucet just to provide extra sound so as to assure Freddy wouldn't hear me. I whipped the towel off throwing it on the rack and sat down on the toilet to retrieve my feast! HAHAHA I had done it. I thought to myself as I retrieved the secretly stashed tuna from behind the toilet. I sat there legs crossed as I put the metal edge of the can opener up to the tin of the tuna. And just as I was gonna turn the handle to serrate the can it hit me. Here I was sitting naked on my toilet about to secretly gobble down tuna fish out of the can while hiding in my shower. I had to ask myself: "What Would Beyonce Do?"

I had hit rock bottom. I placed the tuna and can opener back down. The little Bumblee Fish mascot on the can mocking me the entire time. 'This isn't over Bumblee,' I thought to myself. I continued with my shower and quietly placed the tuna and can opener back in their places in the kitchen. Then sat down to watch the movie – Freddy was never the wiser. (Until he reads this blog)

And now off to Day 4 of….

THE MASTER CLEANSE!
4:39 PM 
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February 1, 2008 - Friday 
I wake up, to my EIGHT different alarms hatefully blaring their sound at me. I have to set eight for myself every night to make sure I make it to work on time. But this time waking up something is different. Everything is much clearer. My head is less foggy. The world is a little brighter! Is this what it's like to wake up without any alcohol being in your body for only a mere 24 hours??

This is amazing! I eagerly get dressed somewhat excited to start my day. I even manage to choke down half a glass of the salt-water flush without fully regurgitating it back up like my fun episode yesterday. Although my throat gave some resistance which led to it dribbling out of my mouth and onto my shirt.

It's okay, I wipe off my own spittle and step out my door. It's not even THAT cold outside. As I cross the street I can feel my own exhilaration caused by my ambition to change my life already affecting my immediate world. I put my I-Pod on, step over the tooth-less one-legged homeless black man begging for money whose wearing no pants but somehow has a North Face jacket on and step into the subway on my way to work.

Shockingly I barely received any hunger pains today. There was no clutching of my work desk to support my body or fantasies of leaping across the office and ripping the sandwich out or Robyn's hands greedily shoving it into my already salivating mouth.

I even kept my temper with Achilles, slightly more, because he always deserves some attitude.

The biggest attraction of the day would have to be the constant trips to the bathroom that my body made mandatory. Of course with drinking all this water it's only natural that I would have to relieve myself continuously. Well on the master cleanse your not relieving yourself doing number 1. Oh no. That would be a reward at this stage in the game. No every so often I am forced to run to the bathroom to shit water!

Thank god I stashed a secret can of Apple Cinnamon Lysol air spray underneath the Men's sink in the bathroom. Unfortunately every time I spray the Apple Cinnamon scent it makes me think of food.

After an exhilarating day at work I'm feeling so energized and in such high spirits that I decide to invoke the second stage of my overall plan - GO BACK to the gym!

My gym is the NYSC and of course the one I go to is in the hub of Chelsea, so I always have conflicted feelings when I go there. Because I'm there trying to get into my own groove, I put on a little George Michael and work out. Well it's the Chelsea NYSC so EVERYONE there is gay. I even saw the shower cleaning man wearing a rainbow bandana and heard him speaking spanish with a lispth.

So whenever I walk into the locker room it's just a plethora of penis - of naked gay men showing off their bodies to each other, some getting ready to work out and some trying to find a trick in the sauna.

I had a great workout and ended it with running for ten minutes on the treadmill. While I was running I got light-headed for a quick second and then was instantly flashed back into the Full House episode where DJ boldly skips lunch because she's on a diet and then runs for 25 seconds at the gym and almost passes out. Oh DJ you fat pig next time just throw up your lunch and Danny Tanner will never be the wiser.

For some reason this flashback rolled into the SAVED BY THE BELL episode where Jessie Spano becomes addicted to caffeine pills. Which reminds me why I started the Master Cleanse in the first place..look what happened to Jessie Spano..she ended up in SHOWGIRLS.

I'm home now sipping my tea and it's of to DAY 3 of

THE MASTER CLEANSE!
5:40 AM 
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January 31, 2008 - Thursday 
I slept over Freddy's where the previous night we celebrated our last day of freedom by eating greasy pizza, Chinese food along with junk candy food and anything else I could shovel into my mouth, as well as drinking beers and smoking as many cigarettes as I could manage before the stroke of Midnight.

I swear I felt like fucking Cinderella!

In the morning I arose to an always overtly energized and high spirited Freddy that reminds me of that one fat girl from the movie, "The Office' where she says the popular line.."Does somebody have a case of the Mondays!"

I stumble to the kitchen already edging for a breakfast burrito and a cigarette and open the fridge to drink my magic beverage we all blended together the night before.

Afterwards I mix to tablespoons of the non-iodide salt into a glass of luke warm water and CHUG!

GOD it's disgusting! I quickly get dressed and go to move out the door when I can hear my stomach churning. I'm not worried about the runs yet because all the websites said it takes at least 30 minutes to an hour for the salt water to flush through your body. Of course my biggest fear is being trapped on the subway and involuntarily shitting my pants!

I sit down for a moment and let the feeling subside. After a couple minutes I get up and step outdoors into NEW YORK CITY...my new brilliant life has begun. The sun is shining, the people are smiling, KT Turnstall's 'Suddenly I See.." is playing as my theme music and I strut down the sidewalk! I make it about 10 steps into my new brilliant life before my stomach completely lurches and I involuntarily have to duck behind the mail truck where I uncontrollably projectile vomit all the salt water I just chugged onto 52nd street! RAUNCHY.

I wipe my mouth look around quickly to make sure nobody is blatantly staring and hurry on my path to work. Beyonce you officially suck!

The rest of the day isn't as eventful. I get hunger pains throughout the day but quickly gulp down my shake which tastes like very very tart lemonade! At one point I meet up with my friend Amanda who was in the city on an audition I got her. Of course after hearing of my new detox regime she hastily lit a cigarette in front of me and ate a slice of pepperoni pizza..DIE BITCH!

As I clutched my stomach at my desk waning out the hunger cravings I received the occasional encouraging text messages from Freddy who was having no conflicts what-so-ever, saying how he felt great and had SO much extra energy. My text back said "fuck you".

Towards the end of the work day I realized I had made it..except the flashing fantasies of being at Latitude Bar with a plate of pasta in front of me..a dirty martini next to it...a freshly cut line on my left and a pack of cigarettes on my right..I kept having to dismiss from my mind.

I've now made it home and am going strong! Thankfully there is no food in mine and my roommates Zach's apartment, you'd think two anorexic Hollywood starlets lived here w/ the lack of groceries we keep supplied.

I'm off to shower and ignoring my convulsing stomach and on to DAY 2 of...

THE MASTER CLEANSE!
1:53 AM 
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January 31, 2008 - Thursday 
After repeatedly waking up hung over, cracked out, aggravated, tired, slightly nauseated, and just plain too many one night stands, skanky filthy whorish...oh for lets say the last FIVE years! Due to my consistent and not stop marathon use of drinking, smoking cigarettes, recreational activties, poor eating, drinking, absolutely no physical exercise ever, slight promiscuity and of course drinking...EVERY DAY. My body has pulled me aside and scolded me thoroughly So my friends Freddy, Stuart and I have decided to do THE MASTER CLEANSE!

THE MASTER CLEANSE! A diet made popular by our beloved Beyonce!

It’s a homemade liquid concoction that you drink entirely for ten days and NOTHING ELSE! It’s primarily goal is to DETOX your entire body from inside out!

While on this diet there is no EATING, DRINKING, SMOKING, SNORTING, INJECTING or any of the other weekly night activities we all do to entertain ourselves.

This bubbly broth consists of:

Organic Lemon Juice
Organic Maple Syrup - Grade B
Distilled Water
and Chayanne Pepper!

And you blend this beverage by the gallon and chug ALL DAY LONG! This and only this are you allowed to ingest FOR 10 DAYS!!
Don’t ask me how but apparently this drink has all the nutrients to keep you going while flushing out all the bad.

In addition to drinking only the cocktail and water is allowed every day. Every morning you must drink a Luke warm glass of salt water and every night a laxative tea!

So propelled by our eager desire to stir some change in our lives the three of us have decided to embark on this adventure together, using each other for support and reinforcement. We’ve built up this 10 day journey into the climax of the beginning of our new lives.

THE MASTER CLEANSE will inevitably change our life, I will finally quit smoking after this. I will begin going to the gym, save money from not spending it on alcohol and drugs and sex (joking about the last one....maybe). My overall health will improve, which in return improve my general mood throughout the day, which will cause me to send out positive energy into my work environment which of course will be returned with positive energy and opportunities which will skyrocket my career as the next Ari Gold causing me to gain that fame and fortune I always knew I deserved and it will all be because of...

THE MASTER CLEANSE!!
1:46 AM 
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