I'd stopped using this thing ages ago, months upon months. Facebook and Livejournal met all my needs, so I deleted my MySpace and forgot about it. Except that it didn't delete, because MySpace is fucking lame like that. So you know, I suppose if it's going to stick around taking up the intenet ether, I may as well use it.

Since last update: I moved back to MI because the boy flaked on me at the last minute. He also turned out to be bad news, so I dropped him and started working on getting back out to Portland. 2 and a half months ago I did just that, and now, here I am.

Things have been a roller coaster but they're getting infinitely better the more I just keep my head up and move forward. I've even met an incredible new boy. My life is on an upward incline and I can't wait to see what it throws at me next :)

I.m miserable here but very carefully trying not to blame Portland. It isn.t the city.s fault that I am so isolated and bored and depressed. The library is always so full that since last blog I.ve not once been able to get online. My contact with life outside this little apartment-shaped solitary confinement chamber is the limited internet I can get on my phone--facebook, gmail, a limited peek at myspace and craigslist--which eats up my minutes so I try not to use it very much. I had an interview and if I understood correctly I start Monday, finally rejoining the ranks of the employed. But I.m so desperately lonely and simultaneously afraid to be a bother to anyone that much of the time I.m immobilized with this overwhelming and pathetic sadness. I cry a lot when my cousin isn.t around to see--in the bath, on my morning walks, in bed when I.m alone here. I checked books out of the library hoping for escapism, but Lisa Carver.s memoir only made me think about things I.d rather forget and feel worse. Fuck it.

I'm in Portland and really liking it, trying to adjust to how expensive things are. The past couple weeks I've been looking for work to no avail. Having no computer makes it hard since the papers mostly don't have job ads, but now I have a library card so I get my daily alotted 60 minutes to scour craigslist and email resumes. I don't have a key to my cousin's apartment so I can't leave when he's gone for work (usually 4:30pm till after midnight) and get a bit stir crazy. Plus I'm broke. But hopefully I'll land a job soon and that'll turn around, and when Aaron gets out here we'll get a place. I'm trying not to be too impatient but it gets frustrating being a useless lump.

I'm trying to stay strong and not let this unemployment and poverty get me too down, but it gets harder every day. This isn't the first time in a week I've broken down in tears because I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed. 32 applications and resumes handed out in person, 18 online applications sent, only one interview gotten and no job to show for it. Of the iPod and ancient typewriter and engagememt ring I listed on craigslist to sell only the typewriter sold--forty bucks isnt going to pay rent and I don't have anything else of value to sell. They say the plasma centers here are so busy theres a months-long waiting list to donate. I'm trying so hard not to slide back down into depression and give up (more for Aaron's sake than my own) but I cry when I'm alone and the familiar whole-body ache has crept in and I'm pulling inward, it's only a matter of time before I wake up to realize I've already gone under.

Pit bull and cat raising baby chicks.

I squeaked with glee at the cuteness a couple of times, not gonna lie.

I'm doing really quite fine, in spite of everything.

I find out today whether or not I got a job at a really nice little stationary/invitation shop. A handsome, tattooed, sass machine of a boy is making me feel wonderful every day. Bubble baths are free. I'm gazing optimistically westward.

As fun as it's been scooting around town on the back of Aaron's bike all week, and as good for me as walking everywhere is, I miss my car. I need it. I'm positive the mall is probably full of places hiring for seasonal help but I can't walk that far. Fred Meijer Gardens is apparently hiring for kitchen help but that's forfucksakeever far away by foot too. I don't even have enough pocket change for the bus. On Wednesday I'm going to trek over to the antiques store with a bag of old books and keys to try selling them off for gas money so I can complete a proper day's job questing.

Maybe I'll run away to Portland. That's where all the cool kids are going.

I don't have a job. I don't have any money. I don't have use of my car. I don't have much use of my left foot unless I'm drunk (cheers for heel injuries and the painkilling effects of vodka). I don't have many people in this town to talk to, let alone rely on. And even if I did, I don't have a phone to call them. Last night I returned the cans and bottles I'd been collecting for the $3 I needed to get drinks with a friend.

But I'm keeping my chin up. Good people stumble into and through my life. Day-old bread at Jimmy John's is only 50 cents. I'm finally over my ex-otter. I have finally found someone in GR that I can converse with, thank god. The library has internet for free. And last night I got to ride on the back of a motorcycle with a cute boy. Ha.

It's pumpkin stew and gin-o-cides and spice cookies and chili and squash bisque season. Even if I can't afford to make any of those things anymore I'm still pretty stoked. I'll just live vicariously through patrons in the produce department, smell the dirt-and-leaves scent of October, pretend I've got cool Halloween plans. I'm hungry in every possible way, and no junkfood filler will do. I'm craving the good stuff, the things with real substance. Conversation and adventure and good sturdy wine and food that sticks to you. Autumn's always been my homegirl, here's hoping she sends something good my way.

Everything bad that's happened to me, for as angry ad I get at "the universe", has really only been my own fault. I'm trying really hard to focus on this, because it isn't going to do me any good to get upset at Grand Rapids or my bosses or the doctors or the men in my life or anything else that's gone horribly wrong this past year. All of it was somehow a result of my own weakness or poor decisions. I got fired because I was too much of a puss to pull myself together and go to that seminar in spite of the assault. Yes, my boss could have been more understanding, but I should have been stronger. Same with everything. If I was a better or stronger or smarter person I wouldn't have gone through this hellish past year.

I mentioned it to Dana today (just the quick and dirty version, that I was assaulted by a bum and I was fired for being too shaken up to go to the seminar), and his biggest response was "Come back to Kalamazoo, Hilary." And honestly, I think he's right. I'm failing so hard at Grand Rapids. I'm not the strong, independent woman I wanted to think I am. I always jump in my car and drive back to this damned city when I'm lonely or depressed or upset because... it feels safe, and like home. It's familiar, and even the tension and uneasiness that drove me away in the first place is more comforting than anything I've found in the G-Rap. As much as it feels like admitting defeat, and failing, and giving up.. I don't think I can stubbornly refuse to send up the white flag for much longer.

RE: My last blog post.

I was pretty shaken up by what happened, and still pretty nauseated and shaky Wednesday morning, so I opted out of this training seminar for Sprint I was meant to go to. I didn't realize it cost my boss money to send me, so I got fired for not showing up. Also, despite showing her the bruises and telling her what happened, I don't think my boss believes me. So I'm once again unemployed RIGHT before rent is due. Awesome.