Holy Frijoles, we haven't put out an issue in a while. This time we're introducing a new feature. In addition to our regular interview, look out for Quotables, a collected list of our favorite audience and staff quotes. Enjoy, man.

Kisses,
Jeffrey
Editor-in-Chief
Projectionist

Get to Know the Pioneer
Issue 5

Interview with Pioneer Technician Rachel Danner

GtKtP: Hi, Rachel. How are you?
RD: I'm well, Jeffrey. How are you?
GtKtP: I'm fine.
RD: That's good.
GtKtP: So what's up with you? I haven't seen you in the [projection] booth in a while.
RD: Oh yeah, well nothing really needs to be repaired right now. I have to do a tune-up on the video projector next week. Maybe I'll see you then.
GtKtP: Maybe. I heard you just got married.
RD: I did!
GtKtP: Congratulations.
RD: Thanks! It's weird. I'm not sure I'm entirely ready for marriage! Don't tell my husband!
GtKtP: I won't! What does he do for a living?
RD: He works for Lockheed Martin.
GtKtP: Whoa, shit, really?!
RD: Yeah. He designs missiles.
GtKtP: Shit, that's intense.
RD: Tell me about it. We get in fights about it all the time. It's hard, you know? It's hard when you fundamentally disagree with what your husband does. It's like, you want him to stop and realize what he's doing and take some responsibility for the damage and destruction, but he won't
GtKtP: Ummm... I don't really know...
RD: There are thousands of people dying, and your husband is the one designing new ways to blow shit up. There's enough misery in the world, and instead of trying to combat it he's adding to the trouble.
GtKtP: This is really... I'm not sure...
RD: But at some point you compromise your values and you reject the fact that you have a hand. Lockheed pays a premium for your soul, and you get an enormous house and everything you've ever wanted in Archbald, Pennsylvania. It's a real fucking dream life. The American Dream for the blood of the innocent.
GtKtP: Uhhhhhhh...
RD: And then he won't even fucking walk the dog every other day like he agreed to do when we bought that stupid pure-breed bitch!
GtKtP: Jesus Christ. Why did you marry this guy?
RD: We love each other, duh!
GtKtP: I'm way out of my league here. I don't even know what's going on.
RD: Okay, I'll talk to you later! I have to go pick up that ungrateful fucker's dry cleaning!


Quotables
-----------

Two girls stand in line for the bathroom.
Girl 1: "Don't tell anyone this is a fake tan!"
Girl 2: "Your secret's safe."
Girl 1: "Oh my god, what is with this Bin Laden guy already? ENOUGH!"
Girl 2: "I KNOW!"

An older man adds salt to his popcorn.
Man: "I'm not supposed to have salt because of this damn heart condition."

A cool teenager lingers by the door with his girlfriend.
Guy: "Wanna come to a party with me later?"
Girl: "Where is it?"
Guy: "Up your butt."
The girlfriend glares at him.

UNTIL NEXT TIME...
SEE SOME MOVIES

AT THE PIONEER

What is wrong with this city? Don't you miss the good, sleazy NYC days when junkies were in the streets and you could just stroll right into a porno theater and see some good ol' American boobs and pubes? Well, maybe not, but still... BOOBS & PUBES!! Right??!!! We're showing Deep Throat again. TOMORROWWWW!!!

Deep Throat
Saturday, May 13, 2006
11:00 PM

And look, if you're too "cool" to spend your Saturday night seeing porno, then come by earlier and check out a classic. The Ramones doc. There's this awesome part in the movie where they talk about what a fucking nutjob Phil Spector is. SICK!!

Ramones: End of the Century
Saturday, May 13, 2006
6:30 PM

And if you missed it the first time, lamer... 24 Hours on Craigslist is back! Friday nights in May. Oh, hey, have you ever heard of Craigslist? Oh, yeah it's cool. It's like the newspaper classifieds but on the Internet. It's cool. Oh cool. SEE THE MOVIE, NERDY!

24 Hours on Craigslist
Friday, May 19, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
11:30 PM

Just see some movies, okay? See them at the Pioneer. We show them for you. It's not like we do this for ourselves. We've seen all these movies already. Like a million times.

Send me a message if you want discounted admission to any of the shows above. That's how nice I am.

Thanks,
Jeffrey

This week we're talking with Pauline Capslow. She's the Supplies Buyer at the Pioneer. Gentlemen, start your engines because this hot thing is single, just turned 35, and is showing no signs of slowing down. A classic maneater. Isn't that a Hall & Oates song? I mean I know Rich Girl, but isn't Maneater another really well known H & O tune? I guess I could look it up. I've got the Internet right here, but you know, I just don't want to. I sort of like this weird I don't know grey area I'm in. Anyway, enjoy these words from Pauline.

Jeffrey Max
Projectionist
Editor-in-Chief
Get to Know the Pioneer

Pauline Capslow gets a manicure and a pedicure every two weeks. And if she has to miss an appointment, oh well. It's that kind of sensible behavior that guys really like in a girl. It's not like she's out there every two days getting all primped and pampered. She's no tom-boy though. She wants to look good. She wants to look good for you.

GtKtP: Hi, Pauline.
PC: Hey.
GtKtP: How are you?
PC: I'm good. I went swimming this morning, and I just feel great. I love swimming.
GtKtP: Keeps you feeling young?
PC: You know it!
GtKtP: You're one of the few women I know who's not ashamed of telling people how old she is.
PC: Right. Well, what's the point of lying about your age? I'm 35.
GtKtP: You're also not afraid of telling people about your active sex life.
PC: No, I'm not.
GtKtP: Why is that?
PC: Let's put it this way. The more people who know that I'm single and want to stay that way, the better. The word gets out, and men come to me. I get all the action I need, and I don't have to go searching. I've got a reputation.
GtKtP: Wow, you're like the slutty girl in high school except you're proud of it.
PC: Yeah.
GtKtP: You don't even mind the word slutty? Most women would have a huge problem being called a slut.
PC: Look. It's just a word, and if that's what I am, that's what I am. Define it as you want to. I don't care. I practice safe sex with a lot of partners. Is that what a slut is? Yes? Great.
GtKtP: So...
PC: And I'll tell you another thing. Most men would like a one-night stand or a four-night stand every once in a while.
GtKtP: Do you have any rules?
PC: Rules?
GtKtP: Yeah, like things you won't go for.
PC: Oh yeah. No married guys. If I do you, and I find out you lied about being married, I call up your wife and tell her. Busted. And I don't do you more than four times. That's the limit. I've calculated that anything past four times and men start to get attached. And I don't need that. I'm up for anything else.
GtKtP: Geez. Can you clone yourself?
PC: (laughs)
GtKtP: Seriously though, I bet you do pretty good business.
PC: (stops laughing) I'm not a hooker. I don't accept money.
GtKtP: No, yeah, I know. I just mean, I bet you get a lot of custom... I mean, I bet you... never mind.
(Long silence)
GtKtP: So you buy the supplies around here?
PC: Yes.
GtKtP: Everything from the candy to the splicing tape. Heh.
PC: Yes.
GtKtP: I guess the interview's over. Thanks for your time.
--


'Til Next Time...

GET TO KNOW THE PIONEER

Why I Love Deep Throat
an Essay by Jeffrey

*** Warning: This essay contains sex stuff because it's about Deep Throat. If you're not cool with that, don't read it, fool. NO COMPLAINING ALLOWED. ***

First of all, I am talking about the movie Deep Throat, okay? I'm a freaking gentleman here, and I don't kiss & tell. I also don't receive deep throat on my penis and tell. Got it? Good. Anyway, the first time I saw Deep Throat was sometime last year which is not cool. It would have been really cool if I had seen it when I was about eleven. That would have been awesome.

I did see a few minutes of some porno when I was that age, but I don't know the title of it or what it was about really. I just remember some part where this guy's head went up under a girl's skirt. At the time, I remember thinking "Well, that guy's to get her up on top of his shoulders for a shoulder ride, but he's not doing a very good job." Nope. That is not what was going on at all. Way over my head.

So, I saw Deep Throat as an "adult" which is fine I guess because now I can appreciate it for what it is: a groundbreaking moment when comedy and porn slammed their ugly faces into each other. Comedy porn is all the rage these days. The nature of the Internet has made it so that all these weird porno sites are popping up that feature all kinds of stupid things happening in X-rated fashion. I'm not going to start plugging. You can just go do your own rootin' around. It might take all of five seconds to find something.

Deep Throat is funny because of the music, the plot, the dialogue, the sound effects... man, pretty much everything about this movie is funny. Have you ever seen a 70s d*ck all sliding in and out of a 70s gash with the soundtrack being all BOING DONK WA WA WAAA BOINGGG? Y'all, just face it. Deep Throat is awesome.

Also, one of the girls is really hot. She holds up, you know? Like classic literature. It's kind of weird though because the deal with comedy porn is that it has to be funny enough to keep you from sporting wood because you watch comedy porn with buddies and maybe your girlfriend if she's cool. It's like a joke-around time, right? Yeah, not if you pop one. Then you have to explain yourself, and everyone's like "WAIT A SECOND. WHAT'S THAT?!" And then you have to deal with getting made fun of for about 100 years for getting a totem pole in front of your friends. Oh man, and good luck convincing your girlfriend that it's normal to get a renob during Deep Throat. There are some girls who are cool with watching some funny "porn," but then they'll pull a knife on you if they find out it's not actually a funny joke, and you really like it as indicated by your stimul-o-meter aka your weiner. Doesn't that suck? Your penis is like litmus paper, and what are you going to do? Argue with science? No.

But maybe you've got an Ultra Cool brand girlfriend, and well... she gets so turned on, but yeah right, friend. This is not Penthouse Forum. Chances are you've got Regular brand girlfriend who is threatened by you getting hard at anything that isn't directly related to what she's doing. Ladies, don't you know that sucks? Don't you know?

So yeah, watch out for this one girl in Deep Throat because she is a straight-cold fox. Good luck.

Say "I'm here to see that fox." when you buy your ticket at the counter and receive discounted admission. $6.50 y'all. That's basically free. Free porno.

DEEP THROAT
Saturday, May 6, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
11:00 PM

ONLY AT THE PIONEER
155 East 3rd St. (at Avenue A)
New York, NY 10009

After his bumbling interview with Ernie Baxter, we sit down with Nick Navarlos to talk about what went wrong, his career aspirations, and his personal life. I don't want to say that we're groundbreaking or revolutionary for discussing age-relations and generational conflicts in the work place, but what other movie theater is really pushing these issues to the forefront? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Jeffrey Max
Projectionist
Editor-in-Chief
Get to Know the Pioneer

GET TO KNOW THE PIONEER
ISSUE 3

Nick Navarlos is young and brash. He's the kind of kid who isn't satisfied with the status quo. He's the kind of kid who exists to push boundaries. When you tell him he's ahead of the curve he's like, "I've been going straight this whole time." And then your mind is blown. You're literally, like, "Whoa."

GtKtP: Hey Nick, Ernie really tore into you when you tried to interview him, huh?
NN: That guy is a **** job, man. He's such a ******.
GtKtP: Geez, tell us how you really feel.
NN: Yeah, I did.
GtKtP: No, I know. It's just people say... I say... never mind.
NN: I wish that old windbag would get fired. He's always flicking my ears, and I'm pretty sure I've seen him try to look up Gloria and Carla's skirts. And I told both of them, and that's why they mostly wear jeans to work now, and Carla told me that Ernie told her that back when he was young women didn't wear men's clothes. It's starting to add up, you know.
GtKtP: Hmm. So, I hear you're a DJ.
NN: Yes, for real I am. I am outta control on the wheels. I do all kinds of stuff that nobody is even thinking of doing. I get a dope trance beat and then I just scratch in serious doses of Brooks & Dunn or Raffi, and it just permeates, man. It hits, and the room will just explode, man.
GtKtP: Raffi? Really.
NN: His music is subversive, bro. He doesn't **** around. I once saw a video of him throwing molatovs at tanks in the USSR in '87. No one wants to confirm that it was him, but I saw the way he threw it. And then I watched it side by side with a video of him playing a concert in Vermont, and he threw out a T-shirt to one of his fans, and I'm telling you, man, I'm telling you. He's under the radar.
GtKtP: Yeah. I guess that makes sense.
NN: **** yeah it does. Hey, I need to go smoke. I'll be right back.
(Nick returns twelve minutes later.)
NN: Man, did you see what Carla's wearing?
GtKtP: No. Is it cool or something?
NN: Yeah, I'd say it's cool, dude. Two handfuls of cool.
(Nick laughs really hard for thirty seconds.)
GtKtP: You like Carla?
NN: Yeah, but she's got a boyfriend who's a total ****-on.
GtKtP: Are you worried about her reading this?
NN: Naw, let her read it. It's about time she knew that she's dating a power tool.
GtKtP: Weren't you dating someone as of a couple weeks ago?
NN: Who? Lindsay Teitelton?
GtKtP: I don't know. That girl who always dropped you off at work?
NN: Yeah, Lindsay. She just broke up with me. She says it's because I'm "not focused on a reasonable career," and that I don't "respect the future," but that sounds like bull**** her dad would say. I don't care though. She's not down anymore. After she dumped me I ran into her a week later, and her mom was taking her into Ann Taylor LOFT to get a suit for a job interview, man. Ann Taylor LOFT.
GtKtP: Pretty weak.
NN: Just thinking about that store gives me a limp softie.

__

Howdy,

This week we sit down with one of the Pioneer's oldest employees, Ernest "Ernie" Baxter. At the age of 76, he's seen more than you have, he knows more than you know, and he's not afraid to shove it in your face. In today's totally extreme culture where Teenagers are slamming GoGurt and not wearing helmets and pads, it's refreshing to see a guy in his mid-70s keep up. Ernie is more "extreme" than anything you've seen in a Bubble Tape commercial or on any of the 19 varieties of Double Dare. Ready? ARE YOU READY?

Jeffrey Max
Projectionist
Editor-in-Chief
Get to Know the Pioneer

GET TO KNOW THE PIONEER
ISSUE 2

Ernie Baxter, Senior Custodian, is no stranger to danger. This radically bodacious dude has some words of advice for the world. We finally got him to take five minutes out of his out-of-control, hectic day to toss some words of wisdom at us.

GtKtP: Hello, Ernie. Thank you for your time.
EB: You're not welcome.
GtKtP: Your birthday's next week. You're turning 77.
EB: You think I don't know that, dummy.
GtKtP: Right. They say you're only as old as you feel. How old do you feel?
EB: What the hell are you saying?
GtKtP: Never mind. So you're the Senior Custodian here. Does it get very dirty?
EB: Shut up, Nick. You're talking like you want worms in your mouth.
GtKtP: What does that mean?
EB: It means I'll clean your clock.
GtKtP: Okay.
EB: And you don't want that. Why aren't you working?
GtKtP: Jeffrey wanted me to interview you for the thing.
EB: I don't care. I'm the boss of you, and I want you picking up all that popcorn that's been stepped on. Ya hear me? Do those ears work?
(Ernie gets up and flicks the interviewer's ears a few times.)
GtKtP: All right! I'll go sweep! Old man. (muffled obscenities)
EB: What!
(The interviewer leaves.)
EB: What is this gizmo?
(Ernie picks up the dictaphone the interviewer was using.)
EB: Hello? Who's calling? I'm not buying.
(The dictaphone was later found broken in the trash, and we had to purchase a new one.)

Nick Navarlos
Junior Custodian
Staff Writer

The critics are unanimous with their back-handed compliments for BLACKBALLED: THE BOBBY DUKES STORY!

"Moderately amusing."
- NY SUN

"The performances are surprisingly good."
- TV GUIDE

"Loose, scruffy charm."
- NY TIMES

"That the film appears to have been made for roughly the same price as a New York City dinner for two greatly enhances its off-beat charm."
- WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS

"Plays out in a string of sketches that gently prick the self-delusions of geeky subcultures."
- THE ONION

Hey Everyone,

Do you ever wish you could really know what goes on at the Pioneer Theater? Well, I don't care if you did or did not want to know. I'm going to tell you anyway. Look for interviews with staff and secret stories all about the fast-paced, non-stop, action-packed world of showing movies! It's all real, and it's all here! So come get your hands on all this juicy behind-the-scenes gossip because I know you want it.

Jeffrey Max
Projectionist
Editor-in-Chief
Get to Know the Pioneer

GET TO KNOW THE PIONEER
ISSUE 1

Welcome Herbart Heinlen to the Pioneer Staff!
Herbart is of German descent and he's got three children. They all have different mothers. Herbert has worked all kinds of jobs in his life such as swimming instructor, party planner, and celebrity pet-owner consultation. He's proud to join the staff as a labeler/organizer. We recently sat down and interviewed Herbart and found out what this Krazy Kraut is all about!

GTKTP: Hey Herbart, how did you first hear about the Pioneer Theater?
HH: Oh, you know from here and there.
GTKTP: Yeah, that's how most people hear about us. Why did you want to work here?
HH: Well, I always love movies. But mostly I need money.
GTKTP: Don't we all. What's Germany like?
HH: It's great! I haven't been there in a long time though. I have been in America for 14 years now.
GTKTP: Your english is pretty good.
HH: Danke!
GTKTP: So you're married?
HH: Ha! No way, man! No way!
GTKTP: You've got kids though, right?
HH: Yeah, totally kids, but I don't see them too much.
GTKTP: Why not?
HH: Their moms don't want me around too much. Heh. I'm not "popular" with them.
GTKTP: That's too bad.
HH: Maybe for them, yes?
GTKTP: Maybe?
(long pause)
GTKTP: Why aren't you popular with them?
HH: I have a hard time to stay on one woman.
GTKTP: At least you admit it.
HH: It's just that I want to feel the (he points to between his legs) parts of many different women. I cannot help myself. I have troubles.
(very long pause)
GTKTP: So, what's the best part of your job at the Pioneer so far?
HH: Oh, well, as head of label-maker, I get to use my good writing. I have good handwriting style. I studied this in school.
GTKTP: So...
HH: It is to give me relaxation and soothing which is help on my high blood pressures.
GTKTP: Okay.
HH: I am at risk of heart attacks.
GTKTP: Yeah.

Look for more updates soon!
GET TO KNOW THE PIONEER