I long for you As if you're bringing Christmas morning In your arms Every night I go to sleep Beside you its like Christmas eve I get insomnia Better than any bicycle Or video game Your smile, the warmth Of your hug I feel like I've waited forever I've seen everybody Have there's And seem like they Take it for granted Now I have mine And imma show the meaning Of cherish. Its like a rush over me That I'm living christmas Everyday But I never feel deja vu It never feels the same Always different Which makes it great Usually people want monetary returns But not her just my love. So I give it in word I give it in writing. I give it to her however She wants it MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY! I love you

I was ready to love again. 

But Fuck that!

Fuck that love shit

Matter of fact, Butt-Fuck that love shit

Love thinks its slick

Wooing you with oohs and ahhs

Babies and Boo Boos

Honeys and Sweeties

Aight, back to real talk.

 

I was ready to love

didn't want to admit it

I wanted her

Actually thought I had her

And maybe I did

Or could have had I not been downplaying

Love

Cause girls love love

They love being in love

They love seeing movies about love

They love making love

So when I dude who speaks what he feels

Keeps saying "fuck love this"

And "fuck love that"

She probably figured "why risk

Fucking with someone that obviously

Does not want what I want

He likes me and I like him but he's gonna run from love"

But I'm not running from love

Her boyfriend's the one running from love

A good relationship all of a sudden not a good relationship

All the talks of marriage, blah, blah, blah

Ask yourself, why would I jeopardize my heart

When it's a chance she runs back to this dude

Because in the end all he has to say is I love you

She'll revert back to the feelings of when he probably did love her

She won't know the difference

They never wanna see the difference

Until he's back at it

And what?  I'm supposed to sit and wait

So now she does anything. 

Our friendship feels empty

I mean when I see her I still feel the same way

But I wouldn't dare tell her

She's young and enjoying being on the market

So yeah, in the end, we're friends still

We had our time

I considered her my youngin

Whenever she'd see me her eyes would light up

And she has this big smile

Ok, Ok, fuck it.  I'm trying to spare myself

But fuck it

It killed me dealing with her

I used to want so bad to be like fuck your boyfriend

Dump his sorry ass and be mine

And who knows

Maybe she would've done it

But that's not what I wanted

I wanted her to do it on her own

And took a shot at me wanting to be hers

I remember her being with me, just laying with me

and I thought to myself

It couldn't get any better

It didn't, only worse

She felt guilty and put up a fence

So I walk by her every now and then to wave

But I'll probably never go in again

 

They all look for me.

My hair, my air, my stare.

Whatever it is I am when I'm there

It doesn't matter

They look for me.

They speak to prevoke facial expressions

That, "what you talking bout" look

The quint of my eyes,

The jestures of my hands,

They look for me.

That I take pride in my clothes

That it definitely shows

In the way that I stroll

They look for me.

Shoes clean, neat attire,

Fashion inspired,

Fitting better

Been hitting diets

And they look for me.

But mostly, they listen to me

I speak truth

At least my own truth.

But I speak it like there's no separation

No desperation.

No impersonation.

No perspiration. (Sweating)

No chasing.

Just...speaking.

And they listen for me.

And that's why I like them

Because they listen.

Even if it's just to hear what they wanna hear

That's fine by me.

Shit, I might be guilty of sometimes

Telling them what they wanna hear.

It's a give and take game.

So they look for me.

For "IT"

 

And it's BIG

                      feel me    ?.?

 

Before I could ask

you would say yes

Not dealing with quizzes

But straight to tests

As simpl as a switch

Complicated as death

A powerful mind

Blowing them away with a breath

But on contrary to thought

Go with the feeling I ought

Cause looks are the irrelevant

Whose really to be got

But dare me question you with that

Fires to flames hell

Its just whuch, to be sold or sell

Who can tell

What is knowing but a mere strong thinking

Guesses becomes wrong at a second's tweaking

Who wishing for what they get

Ask for a companion

Get a labyrinth

Learning to anticipate and appreciate

Not to dislocate

Music I was listening to while writing this Blog:

"I Must Be Crazy" from Tyrese's "I Wanna Go There" album





     For about the last two months I was happy that I was finally going to enjoy my birthday, which is September 11th or 9/11 for the slow.  The Skins are playing on Monday night, here and I was going.  I had it all planned out and just sort of pressed to be going.  But the person responsible for making it happen started sounding shaky when it came time to pay.  Initially I was going to pay but my money got tied up into getting a new apartment.  So I won't be going to the game unless a miracle occurs.  And when I realized that I wasn't going I started to notice that my being happy about my birthday really wasn't fueled by the Skins tickets at all.  You see, I met this girl, a very special girl, who had me like Ron Burgundy.  She made me feel ways and I just wanted to scream it from a mountain top.  And that's no BS.  With her, everything was 10 times better.  She multiplied my joy and I didn't know how to control myself.  I had gotten addicted to her.  And this was new to me because I rarely get emotionally attached.  I got strung out, my ways changed, I started singing and sh**, I'd turned into a head, no homo.  To the point where it got to be too much so she felt it best if we step back.  And man, I was going through withdrawals like a muthaf**ka.  I was hurting.  But then she showed me a little light at the end of the tunnel, you know, she gave me hope that she would come back.  But then I f**ked up.  I made a stupid decision to be somewhere that I, in my heart, didn't want to be.  And I lied about it.  I lied about something that probably would've had no ramifications if I were honest.  But I didn't think about it at the time and now it's all I think about.  And I remembered why I'm not into lying in the first place.  You lie once you gotta tell another one to cover up the first one and so on.  I admit, at a younger age I would've continued to lie about it but I don't like the feeling that comes with lying.  Even when I lie and people don't check me to the end about it, it still eats at me.  Because I don't like being lied to.  But on the other hand, when you lie to someone once they tend to put you in the LIAR category like you lied about everything and you will lie about everything and that's not fair.  Everybody lies at some point, to me that doesn't make them a liar.  It may seem like I'm trying to plea  my case to jury but I'm not.  For what?  I've already been found guilty and I know the minimum amount of time they throwing at niggas now a days. 

 

I've had bad days in my life, I've had stretches of bad days in my life.  but this takes the cake because everything was 10 times better, but now everything is like 50 times worse.  and that's a hell of a momentum swing.  I'm not depressed, it's not like I can't move on and get another girl.  But I don't want to.  I know who I want.  I want her.  I want her so much that I couldn't really focus on someone that wanted me unless it was her.  but that's not what this is about.  See, if you know me, you know I'm not in the business of hurting or disappointing people.  I try my best everyday to be a man of my word.  If I say something I mean it and if I say I'm going to do something Imma try my best to do it.  So right now is hard on me.  I know I'm the cause of my own hurt and I let myself down.  And though I don't know if I hurt her, I know I disappointed her.

 

                                              Prematuration

 

I'd given her my heart packeged in a box labeled fragile, handle with care

Forgot to put  a this side up sign on it though

She didn't rush to open the box

And i don't think she believed what was in it

So the box moved around as much as it was underestimated

Guess she thought when I said here's my heart I was being symbolic

And I was

I gave her my heart to represent my entirety

MY ENTIRETY

My entire self was  her's to have,

Assuming she'd find something worth taking

So I wrapped it up in satin

Which I then wrapped in silk

I mean what lady doesn't like silk

So when she finally opened this box that had been

Shuffled and moved all around

She saw this beautiful silk

And she draped it over her shoulder

Then the gift moved, so the intrigue builded

Then she saw the beautiful satin

And she lay it across her bed

And there it was

My heart

Just like I said

Just beating away

The closer she was, the faster and harder it beat

Initially she was worried

I mean we're talking about someone's heart

My heart

But she wrapped it back up and kept it with her

And that seemed cool for a while

But the heartbeat was constantly this rapid

Ba-be ba-be, ba-be ba-be

Then she realized she was in over her head

I mean WOW!!

This is an actual heart

I mean she'd had hearts before, but never so quickly

And perhaps not when she was nowhere near giving hers

Women, to them, they know their feelings

When they're in love it's no question

Regardless of circumstance

I mean how many women are in love with some celebrity

Some rapper or ballplayer or actor or whatever

Whose main objective is to uphold a certain image

So technically they're in love with his image

They'll follow his work

Follow him to his place of work

And do things they don't normally do to get somewhere with him

The ending result 99f the time is them getting dicked

Pun intended

But when a man's in love or anything like it problems arise

Why, cause  to women, men don't know their feelings

So she gave me my heart back

But in a way suggested I leave it out for her to view

But I don't know how to leave it out for public consumption

Cause I keep it put away

And let my head represent me

And I don't know how I'm supposed to relate to someone

With my heart tucked in while its beating at that

Rapid pace just screaming to be let out

Because what if I think the time is right but I'm wrong

Or what if it beats itself num from waiting for her to say

Okay, now gimme that big, beating heart

Wrapped in that beautiful satin and that beautiflul silk

                                                   Empty

 

I'm so empty

I'm so empty its a shame

Cus just the other day I was so estranged to feeling this way

Was so alive, so energized

But as the saying goes

Don't get too high with the highs

Or too low with the lows

And me, I was so high that it only makes sense

That I feel so low right now

Haven't been here in awhile

Now I remember why I stopped

Driving to this part of town in the first place

Its a one way street

That you cant afford to get lost on

Cus there's no turning around

But seeing you keeps me straight

Just hearing you alone gives me that energy

Gets me off empty, gets me feeling alive again

Being near you gets me so high

And I stand at the bottom

Ready to sky rocket to the top

Not looking down as I go up

So I don't think about the inevitable fall

I'll endure when you leave my presence

Not fearing that you'll leave me on empty

Merely because I never plan on leaving you there

....On empty