If you don't appreciate off color cynicism stemming from a steroid rage issue, discontinue reading immediately. ;o)

1.) Where did you live in 2006?

Union Gospel Mission, Bunk Number 72


2.) What was your status by Valentine's Day?

Dancing with Myself, Oh Oh Oh Oh,

to quote my good friend, Billy Idol.

Or- You Can't Touch This,

to quote my abstinence abiding friend, MC Hammer.

3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)?


4.) How did you earn your keep?
The dingy corner of fifth and main. Double trouble Fridays: watch for it.

Other than that, I pretended to be a blind, crippled, Vieht-nahm veteran with an amputated esophogus.

I got a pat on the back, a few dimes, and a bottle of Agent Orange household degreaser out of the entire operation.

5.) Did you end up in the hospital?
No yoyos and superglue this year, homie.

6.) Have you ever encountered the police?
Only the last time I ate a B.L.T.

7.) Where did you go on vacation?
La casa de tu madre

8.) What did you purchase that was over $50?

My ticket away from indentured servanthood. Too bad it entailed the loss of my innocence.

9.) Did you know anybody who got married?
I hope not. At this point in their lives, I would expect a healthy amount of cubic zirconia and a cheesy KC and JoJo song to match the proposal.

Yup, that's a relationship fit for a lifetime.

Good luck with that. Can't wait to see ya on Dr. Phil.

I'll tape it for ya and project it through your window the next time I hear ya'll bickering incessently over who killed the rest of the mayonaise.

10.) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Vulgar quantities of Keystone Light tends to do that to the college masses.

Speaking of that, I'm considering fleeing from Chico during Finals Week Friday, because I'm worried God's gonna decide to go all Sodom and Gommorah on its derrier. I don't want to see pillars of salt sprinkled across the suburban wilderness.

And as much as I enjoy flavor additives, I'm not going to gaze backward and witness the chaos.

Wait, so did God just pull out some playful irony upon the world? Cause Lot's wife technically turned into the salt of the earth. I guess her death made her the example by which we deviate our heathen paths.

11.) Have you run into anybody you graduated high school with?

Well, I do walk into stationary objects on occasion, so I would say, yes, I concur. Because concurring is obviously much more swank than simply "agreeing."

12.) Did you move anywhere?

I moved into a house with three members of the female persuasion. Please address that excommunication notice, my dear First Baptist Church, to a Mr. Alexander R. Fash. Send me some glass polishing cream and a frame while you're at it.

13.) What sporting events did you go to?
The Dane Cook tickets sold out, so I opted for the rythmic gymnastics championship. *Sigh* I'm still bummed about missing the asparagus festival. The vegetative sword dueling would've been a-w-e-s-o-m-e.

14.) What concerts did you go to?

I went to the Elivs Presley revival tour, not knowing it'd be Benny Hinn presiding over a worn casket and screaming, "Be hea-uled!" while palm punching the King's decomposing remains in some sort of bastardized Lazarus raising mockery.

15.) Are you registered to vote?

No. I registered "Independent" at the "Democratic" table equipped with the banner of an ass. I don't think they appreciated my outspoken allergic reaction to their mascot character. Don't worry, the throat swelling is finally starting to diminish.

16.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7?
"Patriotic Duty"? Yeah, That's the phrase used by Nascar fans to defend their sport.

Garner a new phrase.

Grab a thesaraus and go at it. And no, "thesaraus" is not an obscure sex act. Look up "go at it" in the thesaraus while you have it open. Neanderthol.

[ ;o) ]

17.) Where do you live now?
Refrigerator Box. Sigh, the text description on the side only gives the appearance of air conditioning.

18.) What did you do on your birthday?
Ate chocolate cake and cried because I felt bloated.

19.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006?

Having James Haile mapquest me directions over the phone because I got lost walking. 


20.) What is one thing you regretted this year?

No regrets, keep moving forward. =o)

21.) What's something you learned about yourself?
That I should try to change my job title to: "Status: Being Awesome." -And then continue to convince people to pay me just for being alive. -Just for kicks and giggles, of course. =o)

22.) Any new additions to your family?
This, again, raises a conversation between my benevolent soul brother of a brother, Peder, and I.

I say, "Hey you guys [my family], I have something to ask you guys..."

Peder, my brother, always empathetic to the plights of fragile young souls of uncorrupted innocence (yes, this is loaded phrasing. Get over it.) reaches gently over to me, lays his hand over my deltoid, and oh so gently releases a sweet nothing of aural delight into the air.

Yes. You were adopted. And, No. We don't love you.

Thank you Peder. At least I still have the big J.C. on my side.

And I don't mean NSync's JC Chazez, who once saved me from deplorable angst by granting me with the life motto that, "God muhst have spent, a little more time on youuuu."

...And if that wasn't enough to awaken the nerves and freshen the senses, he even went as far as to seal the deal with the chorus of

"Ooo oohhh o o, ooo, ooo, ooo, oooo, ohhh, ohhh."

That just settled in the deal and brought me out of my dear diary stage. Even if, when written out, it does sound like the adult film industry's equivalent of a B-movie script. If you don't understand the distasteful joke, read the chorus again and picture a room filled with steam and Herbal Essences commerical.

If you still didn't get it, then yes, the stork is the one that brings home little orphan Annie. Next conversation, we'll move on to barrier protection.

23.) What was your best month?


24.) What was your 2006 motto?

My 2005 motto was:
Procrastinators: Leaders of Tomorrow

I'm still working on a 2006 motto.

25.) Any new lovers in 2006??

Only on the d/l.

And by dl, I mean download. Take that however you will.

Ok, so that joke was inappropriate. But I found it quite clever and worthy of insertion. Ahh, I feel my self-referential commentary ended on a nice climatic note.

Time for a cig.

26.) Anything you wanted to do, but just couldn't?
I still can't blow bubblegum bubbles, dangit. Screw you Bubbalicious Easy Blows 3000, Purple Nurple Edition. You suck at life, you evil yet oh-so-delectable sugary morsels.

27.) What do you want for xmas?

Red Rider BB gun to take over the leftern hemisphere.

So! This idea devolved into an argument with my brother and I. To remain completely unbiased in order to adopt a non-partisan viewpoint of journalistic integrity, we're going to change the phrasings of the following sentences ever so slightly. My brother, we'll now refer to him as "Peder", adopted the notion that I, we'll refer to me as "The Intellectually Superior Party in the Context of This Conversation," was not the first one to create the idea that I will become the dictator of the "free world", but rather, that he instead, -and he alone- came up with the brilliant plan. He was attempting to steal my eureka moment with this blasphemous assertion? Don't even ask.

Oh wait. You didn't ask.

It was rhetorical.

Which is why You didn't respond, and I did.

SO, in order to appease the mindset of both concerned parties, I decided to offer my brother the northern and southern hemispheres in exchange for my ownership of the left and right hemishpheres.

Unfortunately, he did not fall to my ploy of sheer collegiate genius. He was instead distracted by the illustrious addition of the new Oreo, "Triple Stuft MegaPuffs" on the table next to him.

How was he distracted? I'd like to coin it "Bread and circus", baby. -Except contemporary times calls not for Bread and Circus, but rather, for Poptarts and Nascar. And I am just peachy keen with that.

28.)What are you giving for xmas?
My love. Awww, how cute.

And ohhhh, soo free.

29.) What are your plans for the New Year??

To set New Years Resolutions by next year.

And break them flagrantly

30.) How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (best)?

9 and 3/4. It was magical.

On another note, if siamese/conjoined twins opt to sell their soul, does the devil get a 2-for-1 deal?

Peace and love my friends,

Augie

I know the following makes me appear as an old codger bitterly waving his cane about because his E.D. prescriptions don't work. Haha, you'll have to pardon and see past that though...

When I first wrote this a year ago, a half page apology for the following went here. I've learned from my ways and also learned that I don't care about preserving historical artistic integrity, so here ya go.

"-GIRL FACTS-"

"When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply."

'Like! Oh. My. Word. -That purse- Like totally makes my chest look like, so much bigger.'

'Are we still on for mai tais, car bombs, and pole dancing karaoke tonight?'

'Like, oh my gosh, tonight, and like, tomorrow.'

-Yes, my dear readers: this woman, found in her native habitat near Kendall Hall, is pondering deeply pensive thoughts of incredible magnititude.

"WHEN A GIRL LOOKS AT YOU WITH EYES FULL OF
QUESTIONS, SHE IS WONDERING
HOW LONG YOU WILL BE AROUND."

Good to know she's eyeing your life insurance policy.

"When a girl answers, "I'm fine, "
after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine."

"When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why
you are so wonderful."

Maybe you just smell bad.

Stop playing World of Warcraft and go hop in the shower.

No. Those are not "odiferous wafts."

Rinse. Repeat. Lather.

Go.

"When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever."

Or she just wants your babies.

"When a girl says
that she can't live
without you,
she has made up her mind
that you are
her future."

Sounds less Italian cottage with a picket fence and more like ball and chain dependency asphyxiation tendencies.

"When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can
miss you more than that"

Maybe she wants more of your money. Whatever, just make sure to sign the prenups, buddy.

Or she wants yo' scrilla! Whichever you prefer, really.

Nevermind; 'scrilla' makes you sound like a neanderthol which natural selection has not yet reached.

"When a girl thinks about you,
she can't think about
anything else."

Except about that other dude she likes. He has better hair, and a firmer derrier. Better hit the gym, Billy.

"When a girl is mean to you after a breakup
she wants you back, but she's
scared she'll get hurt and knows
your gone forever"

Restraining order much? You bet. Get on with your bad self, stalker man!

"-GUY FACTS-"

"When a guy calls u,
he wants to be with you"

I've called other guys, and I definitely don't swing both ways.

"When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you..."

More likely, he's distracted by the lovely romantic witticisms found within the intensely charming banter of Darcy and Elizabeth.

"When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong"

No, he's distracted by the shiny object in his peripheral.

"When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few
minutes,
he means it"

That's because he's trying to look tough. He's bottling his feelings and sprinting his way to the stereotypical, emotionally detached, workaholic dad who pressures his kids to dominate the tee-ball field by all means possible. Work your Roid Rage magic, little Timmy. Take out Billy's teeth. Alls fair in love in war. Rupture that spleen! Atta boy. Sticks and stones boy, sticks and stones; just make jokes about his mother and get over it. I don't care if he called you Barry Bonds, Bubbah edition.

"When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care
about him and wonders
if you do?"

Or maybe he's just a stalker with a voodoo doll combo shrine dedicated to you. I can see him lighting up hallucinogenic insense and chanting as we speak. I would change your name and flee your current address if I were you. -Better do something about those fingerprints too.

Romantic? Apparently.

"When you're laying your head on a
guy's chest,
he has the world"

Technically, he only has "the world" if his girlfriend, Birtha, constitutes a mass so large that it acts as a gravity tractor beam pull for small planets. Massacred an alien species by taking a 800 kilometer wide planet out of its natural orbit? But yeah, it's worth it, cause it's true love. Ah, yes, honey-poo, it's true.

-Luckily, that's not possible, but realistically, I just wanted to envison myself eating enough ice cream to displace a small planet. The idea works great within a cartoony atmosphere, but once you make it literal, it definitely sounds downright mean. Unintentional though, of course. =oD

Personally, I think it just means he has a cool girl that helps him exude joy. Perhaps it would be best if you quit memorizing knockoff Backstreet Boy band lyrics.

Yes, yes, 2 Become 1. I know, I know. "I need some love like I've never needed love before". Yeah, uh-huh, enjoy being Prego and I'm sure you'll have a happy, extended marriage between you and your girlfriend. When you hit that 1 month aniversary of your 1 week anniversary of the first time you made out in front of the corndog stand at the county fair, was that when you knew she was in it for the long haul?

I know, I know, it's true love. That Michael Bolton song playing in the background ,at the exact moment that you gazed into each others eyes just said it all, right?

Yes, yes, I realize that I'm just straight up playa hating, huh dawg?

I'll drink my haterade, thank you. You drink your special Koolaid and do the gene pool a favor. bucko.

"When a (good) guy
tells you he loves you,
he means it"

"When a guy says he can't live
without you, he's with you
till your done"

Or, equally likely, he wants you to be free and open to the public.

And, you misspelled the word "you're".

You're gross.

And I know the former former was an incomplete sentence.

"When a guy says, "I miss you, "
he misses you more than you could have
ever missed him or anything else"

Realistically, it's cause he feels like a pooty-tang and badonkadonk combo.

Maybe I should have more faith in the early adult male persuasion. It's too bad that modern physiological research has indubitably concluded that the male majority's cranial prowess founds itself on the instinctual basis of reproductive lineage continuation through coital contact. Too bad.

Remember chillun, it takes two to make love, but it only takes one to cash the welfare check.

Perhaps I'll post a blog on real love some other time, but that topic, my friends, is much more difficult to dance around in sarcastic jest.

Thanks to Kellie Marie for the marvelous inspiration, and of course for being the female equivalent of a stud.

6. Do you like your life right now?
Tis brilliant.

8. Do you knock on wood?
Only if I'm paid by the hour.

10. Can you hula hoop?
The Porteguese translates to," Pretty fly for a white guy, baby."

14. What are you wearing?
Commando status.

15. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
That time I drunk dialed President Zingg?


20. Are you listening to music?
Only the music we make when our eyes connect, honey bunches of oats.


23. Do you have a boyfriend?
No, why? Are you offering?

26. Do you hate more than 3 people?
"No. Hate is a waste of time, energy, and...well, there's not really anything positive about it."

I trusted this Kellie Marie quote. But, then I realized that I despise the inventor of the 8 bun to 10 hot dog ratio tirade. So yes, I do wish for at least 1 individual to get casually nailed by a bus


33. Are you sarcastic?
It's only one of the many services I offer.

34. Have you ever slapped someone?
When he tried going too far on the first date. I don't care if he was paying me by the hour by the hour, he still needs to take time to get this engine warmed up.


37. Are you too forgiving?
Jesus did the whole 77 times 7 thing, so apparently, I have a lot to live up to.

38. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Bleeding Death Stabber Stabs new tee.

I think it involved Kittens and Woodland Bunnies.

But bleeding.

...Hardcore.

39. Do you own a gun?
Potato Gun. All plastic, all kid friendly, all the time.

I'm still waiting on the XP 8000 back pack attachment 30 gallon duel master: beat down edition.

42. Olive Garden?
If it wasn't for the neverending salad and breadsticks, I'd renounce it forever.

43. Have you ever been in a castle?
Have you seen my toilet? Heavenly choruses expel from the pipes upon every flush.

47. Do you like yourself?
I look in the mirror, and I'm like, "Hot freaking d---. I look like Augie Fash. Today's gonna be a good day."


49. Have you ever stripped?
I've done enough push-ups for one day.

50. Are you religious?

I'm Christian, but without the pomp and circumstance.


63. Name five things you did today.
1: Tried to find a backup tambourine player for my underground Polka Fusion group
2: Lathered my body in soap and made come hither poses while listening to Barry White in the shower
3: Karaoked with no BAC
4: Thought about getting something done.
5: Made a list of things I can put off to tommorow

67. Where does your best friend work?
According to him, he's my manager. But alas, judging by question 8 and 34, that means that he slaps me around and takes a 50% cut.

69. What do you smell like?
Ginger Peach. Thank you Bird in Hand tester lotions for making me sexy.

70. What color are your eyes?
I don't know, but you could get lost in them.


73. Do you have a chair in your room?
Milkcrate

74. What are you doing tomorrow?
For my 12-2 am appointment, your mom comes to mind

75. Do you know someone named Betsy?
A cliche for myspace perhaps, but you're a stalker homie.


79. Are you married?
I'm not Mormon.

81. Do you play an instrument?
Only when the time is right and I play your-

Nevermind. No comment. Question 82 perhaps?

82. Do you like fire?

Only when you put the mallow on the graham, and you scarf. Thank you Sandlot.

83. Are you allergic to anything?
I can't take too much of my own beauty

87. Did you take science all four years of high school?
This question probably is meant to function as a signal flair to cute girls to stay the heck away.

But I don't care; my TI 83 silver edition comes first.


93. What is one thing you've learned about life?
When you're at an event, hold your drink in your left hand, because that way, when you meet someone and shake his/her hand, it won't be cold and clammy. Brilliance.


97. What does your mom call you?
I think the more pertinant question would be, what does your mum call me.

Oh my, innappropriateness. Guard your eyes and shield your hearts kids.


104. How are you today?
Fine thank you. How are you?

(I like her answer better.)