I don't want to live in fear. Now…anyone who has known me for a while knows that I'm not afraid of the boogy man, being alone at night or dying in a freak accident involving monkeys with machine guns. I'm typicaly not a fearful person. But, I am concerned about the centuries old religious tactics of fear. I would much rather live my life loving God because He first loved me and because He is a gracious and giving Father - not because I'm afraid of the endless flames of hell.

It's not just hell that the religious system uses to instill fear. A key factor in the science of successful religious broadcast fund-raising is fear. Listeners are told of the vast conspiracies to "destroy the family" or "stamp out religious freedom." They are begged to help fight against the "homosexual agenda" or "secular humanism". By sending them their tax-deductible donations, we can end all of this real or imagined junk and, in return, receive an exciting gift. (a genuine mustart seed in a cube of clear plastic, for example.)

Christians who listen to these fear tactics become afraid. Isn't God so much bigger than that? Why have we fallen into the trap of believing that we have to use fear or we won't get our point across? There is so much joy and freedom in the true Kingdom of God - that's the way I want to live. I want Reagan to grow up without the fear of eternal damnation or becoming a martyr at the hands of "liberals." Christ died for the sins of all  mankind - He will draw all men unto himself. There is not fear tactic in that!

I have to say that I am stirred up in my spirit. (obviously, if you have read my two previous posts) I have never before been so hungry to know the true heart of the scriptures - without all of the religious baggage of fear filtering my ability to really see through God's eyes. Seeking God is one big, fat rabbit hole - but it's a fun ride, isn't it?

So, I've started digging. First of all let me say that I am "pondering these things in my heart" just as Mary did when the angel of the Lord told her something that seemed absolutely ridiculous. I make no quick judgements or theology shifts here, but I just feel the need to dig.

We all know that there is great debate surrounding the accuracy of the scriptures. We have been taught that the Bible was verbally inspired - down to its very words. But, we don't actually have the original writings of the New Testament. What we have are copies of these writings, made years later - in most cases, many years later. What if the scribes inadvertently and/or intentionally changed them in places? For instance, Mark says that Jesus was crucified the day after the Passover meal was eaten (Mark 14:12; 15:25) and John says He died the day before it was eaten. (John 19:14) Or what about Paul saying that after he converted on the way to Damascus he did not go to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before Him (Gal. 1:16-17), whereas the book of Acts says that was the first thing he did after leaving Damascus (Acts 9:26).  Now, these differences are not such that would bring about a major shift in my theology but, what other differences are there?

Even with all the questions, I am commited to the truth of the cross. I believe that before the foundations of the earth were laid, God had a plan for the redemption of man. We have proven the fact that we can never earn our salvation, we can never be good enough to deserve God's grace and mercy - that is a supernatural gift that is given to us despite our sinful nature. I believe the work of the cross was finished with the death and resurrection of Christ - finished! God put an end to our struggle to be righteous on our own! He made us righteous with the shed blood of His son. How, then, do we live in that freedom? Do we beat ourselves up and live in the fear of eternal hell fire every time we think a bad thought or mess up? No! That attitude would discount the plan of salvation - we are essentially saying that what Christ did on the cross was not enough!

It is enough. We live in true freedom today - we just have to start acting like it!

Ever had a "day"? You know what I'm talking about. Well....I've had a "month" - and I'm ready for it to be over. The walls are starting to close in on me...peeling paint....mold.....I can smell it and my stomach starts to turn. Inside out....

There are so many joys in life - terribly wonderful moments that you don't want to end and it makes me sad when the difficult things overshadow the fabulous. I never want my son to look at me with those piercing blue eyes as if to plead with me - "but, I'm here, mommy". It's not worth it - this constant struggle with what cannot be changed. What I can change is my ability to handle what is thrown in my lap and how I let it affect what is really important.

To each of us is given a pile of crap to deal with. There's no use trying to pretend any differently - you're going to have it and we might as well figure out how to smell the roses and not the crap. Life would be a lot sweeter if we could - if we would...