Happy Friday!

1. First the bad news. I fell 900 jumping jacks short of my goal of 1,000 jumping jacks in one day. Math is not my stroing suit, but I think that means I’m 90% failure. But, here’s the good news. Today is a new day! Today I will attempt to become less of a failure! Will I hit 1,000 jumping jacks today? I fucking doubt it. That shit is WAY harder than I thought, but I will inch ever closer to my dream of meshing the presidential fitness challenge and my everyday life into one. That’s right. Come warmer weather, I will be doing shuttle runs in my back yard.

2. All five baseball analysts on ESPN.com have picked the Cubs to win the NL Central. Sure, winning the NL Central is the easiest thing on the planet to accomplish, but that not withstanding, this total confidence in my team has really shaken my confidence. It just seems like a bad sign, you know?

3. I’m going to buy a printer today. How’s that for earth shattering news? Not only that, but I’m going to use that printer to print documents that will help me manage my affairs. Look out! My Friday is quickly spinning out of control!

Mike

Happy Thursday!

1. Today I will do 1000 jumping jacks. Should take 20 minutes? I have no idea. Everyday I going to challenge myself with a different test of endurance. Today it’s jumping jacks, tomorrow it might be...running with a tire over my head or bobbing for apples or rock skipping. I don’t know. But I do know this. My workout regime will be unique.

2. Sorry for the bogus link in my bulletin post yesterday. When I tested it, it sent me to my blog, which I thought was a sign that it worked when in fact it was a giant warning that it was going to send all of you to your respective blogs. I am a fool when it comes to the ways of the internet. We will be forever in orbit of one another but I doubt we’ll ever become so close that we’ll touch. Sigh...

3. MLB opening day is so close I can almost taste the HGH! I know, I know technically the season has started what with the games happening in Japan and the what not, but in my eyes it won’t begin until the Cubs win or lose that first game. The outcome of that game of course, will determine my mood until September.

Mike

Happy Wednesday! Time for a Biggest Loser minute by minute blog!

704: I’m a few minutes late. Trying to make dinner, watch tv and blog all at the same time is going to be a challenge. I missed last week. Apparently Brittany was eliminated last week. Crazy. I liked that little firecracker. Fair to say I had a reality TV crush on her? Yes. That is fair.

706: Allison just walked into the BL kitchen. Apparently the players need to go to the elimination room. Yikes! That one kid looks so much like Chuck Klostermann that I half expect him to say something really irritating and all knowing.

707: Seven minutes into the show and I’m feeling the need to exercise. Wow. That’s fast. Usually it takes a full half hour for me to feel shame.

708: Commercial time! Time to check on my food! For those of you scoring at home, I’m making Turkey burger Shwarmas*. Shwarmas are delicious middle eastern burrito like thingies that are...well, like eating an orgasm. There’s also no way that they’re good for me. Trainer Bob would be so mad. Oh the fuck well. Shwarmas are amazing.

713: Holy long commercial break! The contestants are being forced to take a pop quiz! Question 1: Are you fat? A: Yes. Did you know you have to burn 3500 calories to lose 1 pound? FUCK! How does anyone ever lose weight? They’re being asked more questions. I don’t care enough to write them down. Besides, my Shwarmas are burning. That’s what she said! Hey!

717: Commercial time. I have no idea who won the quiz. I am a bad blogger.

721: And we’re back. Klostermann won. I guess his real name is Dan. Dan Klostermann just won...a slice of chocolate cake. I guess he has to bring his cake to the challenge. In some ways this show is very demeaning. It’s as if the producers of this show are saying, "Fat people have no self control. Let’s give one of them cake and see if someone gets killed." Horrible.

724: Wow. Bob the trainer’s becoming kind of an asshole. I thought he was into Yoga. I didn’t know people into Yoga could be assholes. I guess Bob is a Yasshole. I wish my cat was a personal trainer. That would be sweet.

726: Kelly is being ostracized because she’s the only remaining member of the black team. She thinks this will make her stronger. She might be right. Although it could make her a serial killer. Who is this girl in the pink shirt? Where did she come from?

730: Apparently Klostermann’s cake is gone. He’s blaming Kelly. Fuck it. It’s Shwarma time!

733: Delicious. Just delicious. Although one bite of my shwarma was 30,000 calories.

734: We’re back. Apprently the cake has been kidnapped. Man, wrting about this show has made me see just how humiliating it actually is. Making a man search desperately for cake? Wow. ROger hid the cake. mystery solved! "You gotta protect the cake!" Truer words have never been spoken.

737: The girls have just learned that popcorn comes in 100 calorie servings. You’d think they’d stumbled onto cold fusion, they’re so shocked. Time for the challenge. The contestants are in a room filled with concession stand goodies. I don’t understand the contest. Mostly cuz I wasn’t listening. Apparently all the contestants have a table. Whomever has the most "calories" on their "table" "loses" the "game". the winner gets 10,000 bucks. And they’re off! There’s nothing better than contests that make no sense. Seriously, If I were playing this game, I might start sobbing. Oh good. I get another commercial to try to figure out what’s happenning.

747: We’re back. Man, Menard’s commercials make me feel cared for. Does anyone know what I’m getting at? They’re just good timey and feel good-y. Back to the show. Meh, this competition is dumb. Everybody’s ganging up on Kelly. That’s BS. I am now rooting for Kelly. That’s huge for me since I’ve wanted her eliminated every second of every show. Until now. The blue team’s a bunch of bullies. The winner of the stupidest fucking competition ever concieved is...Jay.

754: Jay can buy a 1 pound pass with the 10,000 dollars he just won. Fuck that, dude. Keep the money. After taxes you’ll get like half of that 10,000. Invest it then wave at your retirement, cuz you and it just got a lot closer to each other. Commercial time.

800: The Oxy clean man scares me with his passion for cleanliness. We’re back! Jay is really stressing on this. This shouldn’t be a tough choice. You’ve already lost a gabillion pounds. Take the money. Jay has time to think it over. Granted the winner gets 250,000 dollars...Fuck it. Take the money.

802: Bob thinks the pound is worth the money. I still don’t. Take what you got. You got 10,000 bucks. Take that. If you lose by one pound, you’ve still lost a ton of weight. And you have $10,000.

803: Jillian is so hot. I want her to yell at me while we make love. She would belittle me in such a good way....I am into mean girls. Deal with it!

809: Bob is suggesting that a meal  over 1000 calories is a bad thing. Hmmm. Food for thought. Hey, Bob eats oatmeal every day too! Jillian would smear that oatmeal on my face and call me a fucking colostomy bag. So hot...  

811: Workout montage! Go get em’ Kelly and the pink girl! Seriously, the blue team must be stopped.

819: Judgement time. Is this show on until 9? Good God. Jay just spent 10,000 REAL dollars for 1 pound. Dumb. I don’t care that there’s a bigger picture out there. Dumb.

821: Jay’s weigh in. Current weight: 201. 5 lb loss. Minus the extra lb,6. Not bad. I guess the lb was a good thing. I guess.

822. Roger’s weigh in.  Current weight: 236. 6 lb loss. Well played you southern gentleman.

824: Dan’s weigh in. Current weight: A fucking commercial.  
 
828: Dan’s weigh in. He seems nervous. I used to like Dan, but as the episodes have passed, I’m starting to think he may be kind of a dick in real life. Current weight: 198. He lost one pound. That’s bad. Actually, it’s good. But in terms of the show, it’s bad.

831: Mark’s weigh in. Mark looks completely different than he used to. Current weight: 181. 4 lb loss. Not bad. The last time I lost 4lbs, I had horrible diahhrea.

832: Pink Girl’s weigh in. Current weight: 149. 6 lb loss. Incredible. She has lost more weight than any woman in the history of the show.

835: Kelly’s weigh in! Come on, Kelly! Current weight: A fucking commercial.

839: Kelly’s weigh in. Current weight: 192! She lost 7 pounds! That is awesome. She finally came through. Good for her. Woo hoo! I am officially on the Kelly bandwagon!

842: Mark and Dan are up for elimination. Dan deserves to go. He should go. He’s become an slim asshole. That sounds like a title to a porn.

843: The tense crying part of the show has begun. Pink girl is crying.

844: I’m being kind of harsh on Dan and now he’s crying. It’s not cuz of me. Or is it? No. It isn’t. Maybe it is. Whatever,  I still feel bad.

852: Time for the elimination. One vote for Dan. Two votes for Dan. Three votes for Dan. Dan has been eliminated. The crying has begun. Oh man. This show is a tear fest.

900: Well, that was a waste of time.

Mike!   

 *I have no idea how to spell Shwarma. Nor do I care to look it up.

 
 

Happy Tuesday!

1. My cold is retreating. It hasn’t given up, as evidenced by the neon green substance in my nose, but it is retreating. I will revel in this small victory.

2. I finished season 1 of The Wire last night. That show is ridiculously intense. It has also cemented my desire to NEVER visit Baltimore.

3. My cat is driving me crazy. I don’t know if something in his brain has snapped or what, but he hasn’t stopped meowing since I’ve been back from Funronto. Not only that, but he has this CRAZY look in his eye. I’m scared to fall asleep for fear of his wrath.

Mike

Happy Monday!

1. Well, I’m officially back from Funronto. The Tournament Of Wonders was such an amazing festival, filled with great shows and really wonderful people. I’d recommend it to anyone. Along with the kick ass shows that Joe and I did, I am pleased to announce that I am now a small talk machine! Whereas uncomfortable pauses when talking to me used to occcur within ten seconds, I am now able to go nearly 5 minutes without seeing that look of horror/entrapment/pity that always fills my co-talker’s eyes. Small talk is a lot of work, though. Seriously, it takes a lot of concentration. Lots. Instead of small talk it should be called intense concentration chatter. Yesterday I came down with a Orca of a cold. Apparently, my body is physically unable to engage in normal human activities without eventually shutting down.

2. My NCAA tournament brackets are officially destroyed, but this has been one hell of a tourney so far, huh?  I think Davidson can pull a George Mason. Maybe. Maybe not. It was hard seeing Duke lose to West Virginia this weekend. Not because I’m a huge Duke fan, because I’m not. But I’m even less of a Bob Huggins fan. At least Duke, for all its annoyisms believes in the student athlete and graduating their players. Huggins has always struck me as the exact opposite of that.

3. My head feels like it is going to explode. 

4. It’s almost April and I still have no idea what I’m doing for the fringe. Yay!

5. Dinner With Fotis is still happening. I wonder if it should be an interview/restaurant review?

Mike

Happy Thursday!

1. I am very happy to report that Joe and I represented the city of Minneapolis very well in the Catch 23 Tournament Of Wonders. And while we didn’t make it out of the first round, we did talk about God, Little Debbie brownies, old people love, rodeos, ducks, what it takes to eat one’s self, cattle corpses, lover deception and I managed to kill Joe with a soup ladle. It was so much fun and were mere points from advancing.

After the competition, Joe and I stuck around to watch the showcases of Regina’s The General Fools and Edmonton’s Giant Robot. Both sets were really cool, particularly Giant Robot. Think a live staged reading of a sci fi movie. It is really cool.

Tonight is our "Showcase" which means we are one of two featured groups which means that we have 25-40 minutes to do whatever we want. Considering that Joe and I really, really try to avoid 40 minute anythings, we are leaning towards a tight 25 minute set. You should fly into town to see it. We found a neat way to combine two of our forms into one. That should be worth the cost of the ticket.

2. Today is our last day of "Torwandering"! I wonder where Joe and I will go? Will I need to go home after three hours to take a nap because I’m obviously 50 years old? Will I buy something? Will Funronto buy me something? Doubtful. Although the chances of a homeless man yelling at me are pretty high considering it’s happened to me every day of every trip I’ve ever taken to Toronto. In fact, it happened twice yesterday. My decision to stop to check out a giant fire made me a list of indecipherable swear words.

Mike

Happy Wednesday!

1. Sorry about the lack of blogs the last two days. The truth is I just didn’t feel like writing. I’m sure you understand even if you’re mad. Anyhoo, here’s the midway Toronto re-cap!

*We’ve done two shows so far. A competition show featuring three teams and a jam show featuring all of the players involved in the festival. The jam was last night and was completely different from most jams in that it was actually fun. Usually jams resemble funeral dirges disguised as overly long scenes with too many people in them. I am happy to report that last night was lovely. The competition show took place in a bar...on St. Patrick’s Day. You know the old saying, "If you’re gonna do an out of town show, it might is well be in a bar on a major drinking holiday?" Well, I guess that saying holds true. The show was pretty fun. Joe and I worked hard. Like way harder than we have in years to come up with what I feel were pretty decent scenes.
    We have two more shows left. Tonight is another competition show followed by a 40 minute showcase on Thursday. Out of town shows are incredibly nerve wracking for me but the reason has changed as my beard has peppered and time has weathered me. It used to be that out of town shows meant that I had to prove myself to a new group of people. I kind of went in with a chip on my shoulder and treated every scene like it was the most important scene I had ever done. Needless to say, that approach didn’t work. I was too tight, had no fun and was, in truth, pretty bad. Luckily, Old Man Time has taught me that these shows really have no bearing on anything. They’re just a great way to hone your skills and meet new people. Nowadays, I’ve learned to treat outside shows as a giant workshop of sorts. A way to break out of bad habits formed by my laziness. Back home the audiences are wonderful, but we’ve been around each other so much that certain habits have crept into my performing that just aren’t going to be accepted by audiences that don’t know me. Habits that are counter intuitive to good scene work. Maybe this seems like a weird way to approach shows, but it actually works, because it puts it into a perspective that my fucked up brain can understand.

* For people out there who know me fairly well, you’ll be surpised to know that I (and Joe!) have been really outgoing. It makes the parties more fun, although small talk is FUCKING EXHAUSTING. For those of you reading this who don’t know me, mixers and small talk terrifies me. I can do it  (and am starting to figure out I’m not bad at it) but it is not second nature for me. Like making love to beautiful women.

More tomorrow!

Mike!

I am on my way to Toronto! I will blog when I can! Mike

Happy Friday!

1. Well I’m back in the M to the P to the L to the S and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what a lovely city I reside in what with the trees and the lakes and the people and the what not. The journey home was uneventful. I took the conventional 90/94 route through Wisconsin which was fine save for the fact that my MP3 player officially kicked the dust. That meant lots of NPR (the people who call into Talk Of The Nation are really irritating. Picture having a conversation with really snobby oatmeal.) and classic rock stations (every single one of which started their playlists with Van Halen and ended with AC/DC...or Scorpion). I actually opted to drive with no radio for about 2 hours. This was intended to allow my mind to wander into the fields of creativity which was supposed to lead to new and hyterical comedy material. Sadly, it only led to me thinking about how the trip through Wisconsin never and I MEAN NEVER seems to end. Maybe there’s a movie in there. Maybe. I doubt it. You never know. But probably not.

That’s all for this week, folks!

Mike
    

Happy Thursday!

1. Well, in a few minutes I’m gonna hop on the lonesome highway and head towards Minneapolis. I’m seriously considering going through Iowa. I know I shouldn’t because it will make an already intolerable trip even longer, but I can’t fathom the idea of driving through Wisconsin.

2. I caught the last few minutes of  Top Chef last night. If I had cable TC would certainly be a show that I’d watch. It looks right up my alley what with the food and the what not. Although I did come to the conclusion that I would never want my food judged. Hell, even though I love cooking, I am terrified of cooking for others. Namely because I have this sneaking suspicion that what I consider to be delicious others would consider to be...well...covered in Sriracha.


Mike