The hotel business has been slow lately.  The economy sucks and shit rolls downhill.  You know how it is.  Because of the failing economy, no one travels unless it’s on the company dime, and as a result I’ve had many endless, boring, toothpick-through-the-eyelid nights over the last 6 months.

Until tonight.

There I was, minding my own business.  I’d settled into watching a cheesy 70’s horror flick (called Suspiria in case you’re interested.  Saving you the trouble, it’s awful.  Full of gore, horrible acting, and only slightly suspenseful).  To maximize the effect, I’d turned off all the lights in the lobby.

Me and my dumbass ideas.

*CLANGCLANG*

Someone was in the parking garage downstairs.  EIGHT someone’s, to be exact.  I immediately paused my horror film that was full of ghastly 70’s bush and frightening hairstyles, and turned to see what was going on in the security cameras.  

The hooligans, the troublemakers, the harbingers of death and destruction, appeared to be stealing my manager’s golf cart.

No time to look up the number to the Sheriff’s Department, dial 911 instead.

911: “What is your emergency?”
K: “There’s someone down there and they’re stealing the golf cart!”
911: “Umm…”
K: (deep breath) “I work at Kate’s Motel.  We have covered parking.  There is about eight  people down there and they’re trying to steal my manager’s golf cart.”
911: “The golf cart?”
K: “YES, THE GOLF CART.  THEY ARE STEALING IT RIGHT NOW.  I NEED SOMEONE HERE FAST!!”
911: “What do they look like?”
K: “Umm…they have 4 wheels and a steering wheel and a seat.  It’s a golf cart.”
911: “No.  The people.”
K: “Oh.  There’s EIGHT OF THEM.  They’re white.  Guys and girls.  They have on clothes.  I’m looking at them through a security camera, so it’s not like I can tell what color their eyes are or anything.”
911: “What are they doing now?”
K: “HOLY CRAP THEY’RE COMING UP THE ELEVATOR I FORGOT TO LOCK IT AND THEY’RE COMING UP TO THE LOBBY AND I DON’T HAVE A GUN HURRY FASTER PLEASE!!!!!”
911: “Someone is on the way.”

click

I went into full panic mode.  My whole body started shaking, my blood pressure shot through the roof, I was sweating, and I suddenly felt like throwing up all over the front desk.  You know that little panic button that I’ve been itching to push since I started working here?  Yeah…I couldn’t have forced myself to move and push the damn thing if I’d even remembered it was there.

I froze.

That’s when the heaven’s opened up and the police pulled into to garage.  Like knights in shining armor, they ran up the stairwell (because one of the criminals that was about to show me my Maker had propped the stairwell door open) just as the elevator doors opened and the mass murderers peered out at me from inside.

Popo: “What’s going on?”
K: “They tried to steal the golf cart!!” (pointing at the serial killers)
Childmolesterrapists: “Who, us?!?!?  Umm…we’re with Homeland Security.  We were just taking a picture of all of us on the golf cart…”






Oops.
My bad.
They really were with Homeland Security.  I forgot they had checked in earlier...

I had specific instructions when I got to work tonight, that if the last reservation (we'll call her Ms. C for shits and giggles) didn't show up, I was to cancel the reservation without charging her credit card.  No problem.

Midnight came and went, I ran my audit, and Ms. C had not graced me with her presence.  Out with the reservation.  So sorry.

Now, it's 2am.  Ms. C finally made it to the hotel, with her mother and elderly aunt in tow.

K: "I was afraid you guys weren't going to make it.  I had to cancel the reservation for the audit, but it's no problem to start over.  I just need your I.D. and credit card."
Ms.C: "Oh, well ok.  We come here all the time, though.  You should still have my information in your computer."
K: "I'm sure that we do, but I still need to see your I.D.  I get in trouble if I don't."

(that usually works, and people quit giving me shit about me JUST DOING MY FRICKIN' JOB...)

Ms.C: "I don't understand.  I already gave all my information to the manager earlier today."
K: "Yes, you did.  But I had instructions to cancel the reservation if I didn't hear from you before midnight.  However, it really is NO PROBLEM to start over."

(at this point, I'm really just trying to avoid any argument.  this lady is starting to cut into my naptime.  she spent the next several minutes explaining to me that i should be glad that she didn't bring her two english mastiff's.  i refrained from explaining back to her that it wasn't MY credit card that would be charged if she HAD brought them.  no pets means no pets.)

K: "Alright, here are three keys to room 103.  Breakfast starts at 7am, do you need a wakeup call, yadda yadda yadda..."
Ms.C: "Umm....that's not the right room.  The manager said that we would be in room 301."
K: "Room 301 is an executive balcony suite, and the rate that the manager has given you is not an executive balcony suite rate.  Also, it says right here next to the manager's signature that she has assigned you to room 103."
Ms.C: "Call her please.  This needs to be straightened out."

(it's 2am, lady.  i'm not waking my boss up for this.  as meager as my paycheck is every week, you aren't quite important enough for me to give it up just yet.)

K: "No need.  I can move you into room 301 with a click of the mouse.  One moment."
Ms.C: "You must be new here."


I'm really getting my anger management under control, I think.

Dear Adult Store Shoppers,

Maybe you want to buy some pornography or maybe you'd like to purchase some condoms, lube, lingerie, toys, games or whatever other merchandise we carry. That's great, and I hope you find what you want in the store, but please, avoid these pitfalls and be a good customer.

1. If you are a needy as hell customer who asks me to check movies before you rent or buy them to make sure you will like them, I will secretly hate you. All of our movies have people fucking in them. Usually 2 or more people! This much you should know. Now do the following: Look at the box cover. Is it appealing to you? No? Stop, put the movie away and pick up another and try again. Yes? Good! Now, turn over the box. Do you see those other pictures? If none of those appeal to you, don't rent the movie. If they appeal to you, rent it, take it home, wank to it, be happy. If it's not to your liking, shut the fuck up and rent another movie. I really don't care if it wasn't appropriate wanking material up to your fine and high pornography standards. This isn't a restaurant where you can send something back if you don't like it – it's a porn store.

2. If you return movies that you rented with unidentified substances on them, you are a nasty motherfucker who should get hit by a bus. I get paid $9.00/hour, which is not enough to clean up your spunk. Wash your hands before you take the DVD out of the player, you nasty ass son of a bitch. After you return that nasty jizz covered movie, I will curse you loudly, put on 2 pairs of latex gloves, use copious amounts of cleaning supplies and then put a nasty note in your account about how you are a nasty asshole who can't return a movie the way we gave it to you - clean and DNA free. Then, everyone who works in the store knows what a nasty person you are. So for the love of Christ, wash your nasty hands and have some respect for the people who work here.

3. If you and your partner come into my store and you want to buy some lingerie, that is great. It's even nice if your husband/boyfriend/John/whatever wants to help you into the lingerie as some of the stuff we sell is hard to get on by yourself. But seriously, don't fuck in my dressing room. That is nasty and gross. Take your lingerie, try it on, buy it if you like it, take it home and fuck there. I wouldn't come into your place of work and fuck on your desk, so don't have sex here in my store. Don't try to be sneaky about it either. If I notice you've been in the dressing room for more than a few minutes, I'm going to come by and knock on the door to see if everything is okay. And if I hear moaning and grunting, I'm going to call the police.

4. Please treat our merchandise with some respect. In any other store would you open up boxes, rip off labels, or throw things around? I doubt it. Also, my store is not a club or a party. I know we are open late, so maybe you really do think this is a club, but I swear it's not. It's a store. We're here to sell things and make money. The things we sell are fun and great, sure, but this is not a place for you and all of your friends to come in and laugh and scream and point (and destroy merchandise, as mentioned above) for 2 hours and then leave without purchasing anything.

5. Don't hit on me or any of my coworkers. That is desperate and gross. Also, you're standing at my counter with 2 tranny movies, some desensitizing spray and a pair of panties. Do you really think this situation lends itself to me agreeing to go out with you? Nope, didn't think so. Also, don't stare at me or my coworkers like we're pieces of meat. Don't ask us inappropriate questions either. No, I won't demonstrate how the toys are used. I also won't tell you what it is I like in bed. And seriously, if you ask me to model lingerie one more time, I'm going to kick you out.

6. Additionally, just because I work at an adult store does not make me uneducated, a freak, a stripper, a prostitute or desperate. I am college educated (and currently in graduate school), well read and a pretty normal person with friends, family, a dog, hobbies, etc. I took this job for a variety of reasons, none of which I have to explain to you.

7. If I ask for your ID, don't give me grief. Take it as a compliment – I'm saying that you look youthful and fresh. I can get in trouble and lose my job for letting someone under 18 into the store. Don't bitch about how you don't have your ID (I have to ask you to leave, sorry) or how you have to go out to your car and walk the terrible 30 feet to get it or ask me how old I think you are. You look like you could be under 18. Show me your ID and I'll leave you alone. If all of your friends show me their ID but you "don't have yours," I'm going to have to ask you to go outside. Just because all of your friends are 18+ does not mean you are. I know it's a bummer, but it's the rule.

8. And finally, if you are someone who brings your child into the store, you fail at parenting and at life.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

Money is such a fickle thing.

When you have it, it's not so important.  When you don't have it, nothing else matters.


I've been on the verge for the last month or two of getting a second job.  With my current night shift hours, this was going to mean that I would be waking up around noon to get dressed for a 2-10 shift, and then going to work all night at the hotel.

I've done this before, and I was able to make the money that I needed to pay the few bills I had.  

But apparently when you hit 30, your body betrays you, making you think that you can still do the things that only five years ago were no problem.  I'm finding this out the hard way.  (What kind of friends ARE you guys anyway?  Wasn't someone supposed to tell me that it was all downhill from here?)

In any case, one of my major stresses was taken care of today.

Since I went back to work at the hotel, they weren't giving me the hours that I needed to be able to pay rent AND the rest of my bills.  Hence, the lack of current cell phone coverage.  My only choice was to get a second job.  Who could have known that my bosses love me so much that they're willing to give me extra hours to make up the difference so that I don't HAVE to get a 2nd job now?

On the other hand, I really don't understand why they didn't just give me a significant raise instead of skimming hours from everyone else…

I'm still only working 4 days a week, but I now have 11 hour shifts instead of 8.

SO

That's one down.

Just a few more to go.

I'll blog them when I solve them.

Family and my closest friends.  The ones I care about the most.

No more top blogs, no more feeling so overwhelmed with having to respond to comments that I just don't do it at all, and no more ignoring EVERYONE'S blogs because I've just got too many to read to be able to get to them all.

I'm down to less than 25 people on my profile.

This means no more fluff blogs, too.

From here on out, what you'll get from me is exactly what's going on and a mostly accurate description of the inside of my brain.  I think this means that my blogs are going to get pretty boring.

But since it's just us, I guess that's okay.

I hit a point on Tuesday afternoon, 'round about the time that I realized I'd been sitting on my bed in a mostly comatose state for close to 2 hours, where I just KNEW that I couldn't continue like this.  My recipe for staying alive through the next 48 hours wasn't working.

Then, the clouds parted.

All of a sudden, there was hope.

Hope where I didn't expect it.

Now, life is working its way back on track.

I'm going to make it, after all.

You know, eBay kinda sucks when you need the money right now…

I've got some things I need to sell folks, and I'm really hoping that you guys can help me out.  I know the economy is going down the shitter in a clockwise motion, so EVERYONE is getting into the same situation that I'm in, myself.


But because I love you guys more than some stranger that probably only wants to rip me off, I want to list this here, first.

I have a 4GB iPod nano, silver, 3rd gen. for sale for $65.  

I only used it a few times, mostly while I was folding towels at the hotel in the middle of the night.  There are a few slight scratches on the back, but it's in perfect working condition.  It comes with the USB cord for charging and hooking up to iTunes, and a set of matching earbuds.

I do have a couple of silicone protective skins for it, if you want them.  Those are free.

Sorry guys, the iPod is sold...


During Speedopalooza, I wore a pair of pretty princess shoes.  Well, I wore them for about 20 minutes before I realized that I wasn't going to be able to dance very well in those heels.  If you want them, they're yours for $5.00

Clear resin 3" heels, and a pretty sparkly pink strap over the top.


Several years ago, I worked behind the register at a craft store.  Consequently, I came home every day with more scrapbook stuff than I could use in my lifetime.  I still have lots of stuff leftover…

I'll sell you the whole lot for $20.


There's Jolee's stickers, tags, those little metal accessories that usually run for 2 bucks a pop, and all kinds of other little stuff that is perfect for any scrapbook occasion that you might have.  I also have about 100 12x12 scrapbook sheets that I'll throw in.


I've got way more stuff that I'd like to get rid of, but it's more like yard sale stuff.  Ryan has so many toys that haven't even been opened yet, if you're interested in something like that, send me an email and tell me what you're looking for.  I'm sure that I have it.  Need baby boy clothes?  Got that too.

Send me a message, I'll give you my email address for Paypal, and you give me the shipping address.

Otherwise, I'm going to have to either start turning tricks on the corner, or cooking meth in the backseat of my car.

I know I haven't gotten back to the comments on my last blog yet, but this one is an emergency write.  I couldn't wait long enough to write this one out before I got back to those comments.

First, a little background.

For the last several weeks, I've successfully gotten myself addicted to munching on sunflower seeds while I'm at work.  It keeps me from feeling like I need to consume all forms of sustenance while I'm here bored stupid, but the sodium intake isn't working so well for me.

Whatever, It's not a bad snack.


On to the story.

There I was, minding my own business at 4 o'clock in the morning.  I'd spent most of the night watching movies on HBO and trying my best to get into this stinkin' book that I've been trying to read for the last 4 days, but I had a sudden urge to sit down with my word processor and write another chapter in my own book.

I'd been sitting here for about 15 minutes when I heard a familiar flapping sound.  Only, this sound isn't primarily heard indoors.  I usually hear this sound when I'm sitting  outside on my smoking bench.

There was a tiny bird in the lobby.

No bigger than my palm.

Fuck.

Because the weather has been so nice here, and I have a certain affinity for fresh air, I'd left the balcony door propped open so that I could feel the cool night breeze while I'm enjoying the solitude of this soul-devouring job.


So now we have to find a solution to this problem.  How to get the bird out of the lobby in the next 2 hours before I have to start setting up breakfast.  Lord knows, the last thing I need is a phone call around 8am wondering why there is bird shit on the bagels.

First Solution:  Broom

When I stood up from my chair behind the desk, the bird went crazy.  I'm surprised that it didn't knock itself unconscious from flying headfirst into the wall so many times.  I grabbed the broom out of the laundry room and proceeded to Hank Aaron it around the lobby for about 5 minutes before I realized that I had absolutely no visual on the damned bird.  

Slightly afraid to look up for fear of seeing a feathered kamikaze flying straight for my head, I forced myself to calm down enough to look around the room.

No bird.

WTF

I went to sit back down.  New strategy, be still and wait for the bird to come back.  If he never comes back, it's all good for both of us.

He came back.

~SPLAT~

That's nice, bird shit on the front counter and a homicidal bird flying around the room.

I needed a new plan.


Second Solution: Sunflower seeds

The bird finally settled himself on top of the television.  It didn't fail to strike me as a bit ironic that there was a life insurance commercial playing as the bird sat there and mocked me.  

That's when it dawned on me that I had a whole bag of sunflower seeds sitting right in front of me.  Sure they have salt on them, but the bird won't know that until it's too late.  If I put some seeds on the floor by the door and a few more just OUTSIDE the door, by the time the bird realizes tat there is salt on his newfound food, I will have shooed him out the door and back to the environment that he wasn't supposed to leave from in the first place.

Great plan.

Terrible execution.


I grabbed a larger handful of seeds than was actually needed for the job, but I wanted to make sure that once I got out into enemy territory, there wouldn't be a shortage of supplies.  This was my first mistake.

Upon stepping out again from behind the desk and into the lobby, I became instantly frozen in fear.  It occurred to me that I never really paid much attention to how one contracted the Bird Flu, and I wasn't completely positive that I wouldn't get it from being bitten or shit on.  To make matters worse, the bird resumed his kamikaze flight.

Immediate panic.

Imagine the kid from Home Alone when he's realized that he has the house to himself.  Running around waving his arms in the air and screaming to the top of his little lungs.

Now imagine that instead of being elated, he was actually terrified for his existence and was seeing his entire life flash before his eyes.

In my panic, I chunked my larger than necessary handful of salted sunflower seeds at the floor by the balcony door, covered my head for protection, and ran screaming back to the safety of the front desk.


That's when it happened.

The bird landed on the desk in the blink of an eye, less than 3 feet from where I was standing.  It looked at me.

I looked back.

It's beady little eyes didn't blink.  (Do birds blink?)

K: "You're going to die if you push me much further, bird…"

*chirp*

And it flew out the door.

Just like that.

No more suicidal headshots into the wall, no more dive bombs to my head.  It didn't even touch the hundreds of sunflower seeds that I'd sacrificed just to get the damned thing out of my hotel.

It did, however, shit once more on the floor as a parting gift.

I deserve a raise.

I received this email to my inbox just a few minutes ago.  This is one of the drawbacks to working the midnight shift; even on my nights off, I still have trouble falling asleep.  Now that I've found out that I can catch up on all my nighttime network drama shows online, this falling asleep problem seems to have gotten even worse.

It has not, however, impaired my ability to slice my way through bullshit with surgical precision.


Hello,

My name is Greg Mottola and I work as a Chief Manager of Department of
employment in Moon Group Inc.

This letter confirms, that your resume (found at careerbuilder.com) has been
duly processed and your skills completely meet our requirements for Financial
Manager vacancy.

I'm representative of a well-known company founded and based in USA, which deals
with financial services like escrow services for buyers and sellers of online
auctions around the world. We offer our services both ..d commercial
auctions where the number of buyers is not large and on ebay.com, amazon.com,
yahoo.com - popular online auctions.

Financial Agent position is:
- part-time (you can work only 2-3 hours a day (Monday- Friday)).
- work at home  (all communication is online).

Obligatory: Internet access and e-mail.

This position is offered on a trial period (first month) basis. You will receive
training and online support while working and being paid.
Trial period is paid $2300/month. Also you will be keeping 8% commission from
every payment received from customer and successfully processed.  Total income,
with the current volume of clients, will be up to $4.5k per month.
After first 30 days base salary will be increased up to $3k per month, plus 8%
commission!

You may ask for additional hours after trial period, or proceed full-time.

If you are interested in our offer and would like to learn more about Financial
Agent position, please send the filled form to Job.moon.group@gmail.com

Our representative will contact you in 24 hours.

++++++++FORM++++++++FORM++++++

I don't write political blogs.

To say that they make me want to jump headfirst into the shallow end of an empty swimming pool would be putting it nicely.  There are places for political blogs.  Myspace is not that place.  If I wanted to read a political blog, I'd go to a website where it's ALL POLITICAL BLOGS.

To me, political blogs are:
a)boring
b)asinine
c)boring
d)pointless
e)all of the above


All I learned in Political Science class was that my vote does NOT count.  

BUT

Because I live in this country, I have the right to an opinion whether I choose to vote or not.  So here it is.



People who do NOT live in this country and do NOT enjoy the same freedoms and rights that we enjoy, should NOT feel that their opinion on who we elect into the office of the President is necessary.  They say that who we elect affects them too.  Well that's fine.  But, why aren't you voicing an opinion on the fucked up political system in China?  The Chinese government relegates not only how many children can be born, but how many of those children can be female.  At the same time, that very government also reveres the women who give their babies up for adoption and puts those women on a pedestal, something close to a goddess.

How about the fact that the Japanese Yakuza has more control over Japan than the actual government does, but it's illegal for ANYONE in the country to have a gun?

Why does no one write blogs on the contradictions of other foreign governments?


To tell the truth, I'm not really sure what political party I belong to.  I'd really rather not belong to either.  I'm pro-choice, but I gave up a child for adoption.  Who am I to tell another person what is right or wrong for them to do?  Too many uninformed and inexperienced people are voicing opinions on shit they know nothing about.

If you've never been in a position to have to choose between abortion and adoption, how in God's name can you tell someone else what they should do for the betterment of their own life?  

I'm also in full support of the death penalty.  If someone brutally murdered my entire family after raping me and my child…I want that mother fucker to burn in the fiery pits of the hottest hell.  Kill him now, and make it. fucking. hurt. 


I know you've heard the commercial that goes, "I can't get a job because I don't have any training.  I don't have any training because I can't go to school.  I can't go to school because I don't have any money.  I don't have any money because I can't get a job.  I can't get a job because…etc."

Why do you think I am still stuck in this godforsaken hotel working the midnight shift for fucking peanuts?  

Just because I don't have a college degree that does nothing but confirm that I know how to show up on time to class and write my name, and I don't have experience in anything other than a few Customer Service jobs, doesn't mean that I am not capable of effectively managing a hotel such as the one that I work in.

When I asked about being considered for the Assistant Manager position that had opened up, I was told that I wasn't going to be hired for the job because they wanted someone with a degree and that had more than 10 years experience in Hotel Management.

It didn't matter that I know how to run this hotel better than the owner does.  He can't use the computer system here at all.  He can't check someone in, he can't check them out, he can't even print up the employee schedule for the following week.  God forbid, he should have to run the audit.

It didn't matter that I know where every single form is behind this desk and what it's used for, I know all of the rooms better than the housekeepers, and I ALREADY am in charge of the day shift duties and who gets assigned to what.

I'm already doing the asst. manager job and I'm not even here during the day to do it.

And I'm still getting paid with fucking peanuts.

All because my background says I'm not good enough.


The point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't really matter who gets voted into office.  All we can do is pick one and hope for the best.  Politician = Liar.  Whoever makes it to the Presidency is guaranteed to screw things up somehow, it's just a matter of when and what.

Arguing and voicing opinions and supposed "impartial debating" over everything isn't going to change the outcome, but it IS guaranteed to lose you a few friendships.