i have aquestion for you, what do you think is the best way to get rid of pesky memories?

-- Master McFlinsky (I.M.P.)

Dear Master McFlinsky: Once an unpleasant long-term memory has been encoded by your hippocampus or perirhinal cortex, I'm sorry to say that it's there forever. Even if you're lucky enough to crack your head just right during a tumble down the stairs, or to have certain parts of your brain seep away like a liquefied plum thanks to early-onset Alzheimer's, those memories may continue to lurk in the darker corners, haunting you in nightmares even after you've become nothing but a drooling, nodding, "seemingly happy" shell of your former self.

And don't forget (as if you could!) that your memories don't necessarily end with your life. Even if there isn't an afterlife for you to ruminate in for eternity (who's to say?), some memories may be passed on genetically, such as the way a baby spider "remembers" how its ancestors built webs.

Does this leave us nothing but bad news? Of course not! You can lift your spirits and take positive action by planning never to have offspring. This will save a whole new generation from ever being subjected to the private hells you've stewed up in your own mind.

dr pete! we got a window ac but our window frame is metal and not wood! what do we do?????!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

- Veronica

My dear Veronica: You might consider donating your air conditioner to a household in Baghdad, where temperatures can reach 113 degrees and many families no longer have all the necessary limbs for walking, crawling, or worming their way across searing hot slabs of freshly bombed pavement into the cooling shade. As a proud American, not only will you have helped these people vanquish tyranny, but thanks to you they can also "beat the heat!"

dr. pete,

i wonder... do you have different wardrobe for different occasions? like do you ever wear argyle? or wool? or tartan? and do you, like, ever go out on dates? or do u stay in your drawer most days? i think you would like korean bars. you can smoke there and the girls would think you're really cute. :-)

-sonoko

(japanese, not korean, name ... though i'm korean)

Dear Sonoko: Smoking in bars can lead to emphysema, and pretty Korean girls can lead to murder, prison time, severed tongues, and even incest, as illustrated by the films of Chan-wook Park. But in both cases, just like at supper when you know those extra servings of delicious gravy can't be good for you, you sometimes can't help saying "More, please."

As for my wardrobe -- do you think tartan would make me look too clannish?

Dr. Pete,

Do you think the amount you pay for a service (no, not that kind of service. An honest-to-goodness service like a moving company) is directly related to the quality of service you get? Typically, one tends to go with the lowest bidder or even the middle-of-the-road bidder. So, is it surprising that the quality one gets in return for these low-to-mid-priced dollar value is mediocre at best? -- Damn the Middle Man

Dear Damn: You should congratulate yourself on taking the frugal route and paying less to mediocre movers rather than more to good ones. Paying too much money to movers, or to anyone in the lower-rung service industries, only gives them false hopes of a better life through easy profit, when the real tragedy is that most of these honest working-class people will always be poor no matter what, and they need to learn better how to struggle if they are to survive. Realize also that these laborers probably would have blown the extra money on paying the cable bill or buying toys for the kids at Christmas. Rather than watching TV or playing with toys, they should be more concerned with how to put the next meal on the table. Especially the families who have kids with diabetes.

So sit back and use a few of those dollars you saved to enjoy an iced raspberry cappuccino on your new wraparound porch! And feel good knowing that you own enough stuff to make it worth paying someone to move it all -- probably more "stuff" than is owned by all the working-class people put together in an entire apartment building in Mobile, Alabama.

(From a private message):

dr. pete,

ive just about lost everyone and everything that ever mattered to me. can you help me, please?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: You may be feeling very isolated right now, but in one respect you're not alone at all: This kind of loss and suffering is universal. I'm thinking of the new puppy next door who was taken away from its mother and siblings at the pound, its only friends, to a strange lonely house where it spends hours whining by the window and being spanked by a cold old woman for pooping in the wrong places. Or the piglet runt wrenched from its mother's teats and left to squeal alone in terror, in a tiny feces-covered cage, as its mother is hung on hooks to have her throat slit and her body dunked -- still writhing and choking on her own warm blood -- into the scalding hair-removal bath, before arriving in neat strips on your Moons Over My Hammy combo plate.

As a human, you're an animal too. And the good news is, animals are good at forgetting and adapting. The memory of the loved ones you've lost will dim over time and you'll acclimate to new people and new situations, just like that puppy and that piglet. Except that one day soon the undersized piglet will be beaten to death by an iron rod -- and hopefully you won't!

hope ive not used up my quota of questions already, but i cant seem to get my head around why women are so weird, why is nothing ever simple for them?

hang on....that last question was a bit unfair, i dont think anyone can answer that!

- Armslength

Dear Armslength: It sounds to me as if you've been hurt in the past. Women are people, just like men! But science has shown that male and female brains are structured with subtle differences. For example, maybe what your MALE BRAIN interpreted as a simple night of sex -- between two consenting "buddies" -- was in her FEMALE BRAIN an invitation to call you more often, sometimes dozens of times a day and even at work, to express her feelings over you, such as crying when you make her sad and screaming and cutting herself with slivers of glass or stabbing her tongue with burning cigarette cherries when you make her feel frustrated. Maybe, when she felt you weren't giving her enough attention, she kidnapped another woman's baby and tried to convince you it was yours, and later sat for hours pasting together pictures in a photo album of you, her, and the baby, who is now wailing and writhing, wrapped too tightly in a filthy blanket on her dirty cellar floor, and then sat in the bushes and waited for you to come home one night, and set fire to your house when you didn't.

See the disconnect? If you're like so many men, your male brain probably just assumed that all she wanted was for you to shave her head in a little casual "master-servant" fun and then post her spread-eagled pictures online for all your friends to rate her on a scale from 1-10.

Often these misunderstandings between the genders are so tiny -- just a little communication and you'd both be laughing away the needless tension, together.

(The following is a recent back-and-forth MySpace correspondence with another actual life coach, who I'll keep nameless.)

Hi Dr. Pete ,
As many Life Coaches know, directing or suggesting paths to your clients is only part of the plan. I work with a company that allows me to "Own my Life" by offering products that enhance my health, allow me to operate my home based business according to MY schedule and have the ability to spend quality time with my family, vacation and travel.

If you're interested in products that really can change someone's health or a networking opportunity that works for the common person (or even introducing me to a person who's dissatisfied with their current situation), let me know.

To your health,
A Life Coach

$$$

Dear fellow Life Coach:
Any product that can help slow the effects of aging on our perpetually-dying bodies must be good. As our muscles liquify and our skin begins to sag off our brittle, drying bones, products that can temporarily numb the hellish pain and grant us an illusion of our former health and youth are understandibly in high demand. Plus, the more nutrients we have in our bodies, the healthier our crops will be when we one day become the fertilizer that feeds future generations.

Let's keep in touch! Yours,
- Dr. Pete

$$$

Hi Dr. Pete,
Thanks for the mail and sounds good. Are you interested in exploring healthy-aging products for yourself? How could you recommend them if you've never experienced them.

Let me know - I'm in the Southbay.
- Life Coach

$$$

Dear Life Coach:

You're correct in that I would never recommend any medications to my fantastic readers without trying them myself. But I'm afraid I can't swing down to the South Bay for your healthy-aging products, because as a tube sock it's hard for me to steer a car and reach the pedals at the same time. Additionally, I have no bloodstream, and my esophagus is crafted from a cotton-polypropylene blend, so you can see that ingesting your products would be an implausible plan for my life.

Thanks anyway, and best of luck medicating other life coaches -- I hear it's a growing industry!

- Dr. Pete

(From a private message):

i dont know y i get soo sad...its a statement..not a ques.

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: You'll have ups and downs in your life. But consider this: In retrospect, you might be in one of your "up" cycles right this moment, and you're not even pausing to realize it! Years from now, the day your family wheels you into a rest home and leaves you there for good -- staring out the window for hours, being spoon-fed unsweetened Cream of Wheat and watching it collect again hour by hour into your colostomy bag -- I guarantee you'll think back on this point in your life and think: "What did I have to be sad about?"

Most of us never see our names in print until the day the newspaper runs our obituary. But the great people at NOÖ Journal, a literary print and online mag, understand that children are eaten alive from the inside by parasitic infestations everyday -- so they've published my advice column in their current issue!

http://www.noojournal.com/view.php?mode=1&issue=six&id=103

Check it out, and let the healing begin.

(They've also got an inspiring article about hemp.)

- Dr. Pete
 

my friend of 8 years has pretty much ended our friendship because he wanted to be more than just friends and i didn't. he won't respond to my e-mails, phone calls, or text messages anymore. what should i do to help ease the emotional devastation of losing a friend?
signed,
i hate guildford inbreds.

Dear "i hate": Sometimes we need friendship in our lives and sometimes we need love. You simply chose to have neither -- and there's nothing wrong with that! Don't tie your sense of well-being to whether or not you can hold onto relationships. Some people just can't. And since you'll lose most of the people close to you in this life, one way or another, chalk this up as practice.

There are plenty of activities you can do without any friends: read a book, play computer games, or poke around MySpace and read about other peoples' friends. Or just sit and look out the window and have a good healthy cry that lasts for weeks or even months if necessary. There's even a chance you can start building new relationships again one day, since you're not old yet.

(From a private message):

Dr. Pete,

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WORLD COMING TO? WAHT HAPPENED TO LOVE AND PEACE? CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? WHERE HAS ALL THE LOVE GONE? AND THE PEACE? WHERE ARE MINDS? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT ARE WE DOING TO OUR BEAUTIFUL WORLD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!? -- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Do you remember reading about that little girl who couldn't stop sneezing for two weeks? She couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep, she almost died. Then a doctor found a tiny piece of tissue which had gotten stuck deep in her nasal passage as she'd been cleaning out her nose. When he removed the piece of tissue, the sneezing stopped!

Think of that girl's nose as your life. The soiled piece of tissue is your dreams and expectations. Whenever we let those dreams and expectations get stuck, we react violently instead of peacefully accepting the nasal mucus and other runny discharges we've each been given in life.

Wouldn't you bet that life was suddenly a whole lot better for that little girl once she stopped sneezing? Well, in her case it actually wasn't because she died of an unrelated bladder infection. But still ... it's not too late for you!

Dr. Pete,

Two days ago I had a meal that coulda fed a small infantry. Pulled pork, sweet potato fries and two mason jars of sweet tea. Was it okay for me to skip supper that night because I was still full? I want to be healthy, buddy, but I couldn't fit in 3 squares that day. – Tavin

Hey Tavin: Don't be too hard on yourself! It sounds to me like your Memaw feeds you pretty well, and it's refreshing to hear from such a conscientious eater, especially from Arkansas. The tragedy of most developing countries and regions is that so many people just don't understand proper nutrition. Many thousands of kids from Bangladesh and Tanzania think it's OK to eat only a handful of rice and maybe a few fleas or grubs every morning. That's no way to prep for that football scholarship! If only they fortified each day with a little pulled pork and key lime pie, they wouldn't have to wonder later why their little wrists and lower ribs are flaring from rickets, or why their gums are so darn swollen, purple, and spongy. You should send your Memaw over there with a Tupperware bowl of hush puppies to set those kids straight!

(From a private message):

Dr. Pete

im feeling lonely. i dont know if this is a problem screaming for help or just something i thought i should tell you cause your the only i trust now... and for that i thank you! -- Nameless


Dear Nameless: When you're "out of luck and out of love," and your friends have all seemingly vanished, there's nothing more that life can take from you (except your legs). On the other hand, things don't seem quite so bleak when you consider that each and every powerful emotion you're feeling -- such as loneliness, depression, black rage at the hellish injustices of a world where children's hands are chopped from their little arms by machete-wielding insurgents -- every single one of those emotions is nothing more than a psychosomatic chemical reaction in your body, and therefore may be altered quite easily. I suggest you play an uplifting song you like, which will boost your endocrines.

©©©

(From another private message):

Hey Doc,

I just need to tell you a story . There's a man and woman. The man knows the woman but she doesn't know him. After he has fallen deeply in love with her
( and little does she with him ) his only desire is for her to fall in love with him. How can he bring this about? -- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: My hunch is that this special lady has already noticed this man (ladies always notice more than you think). So the usual tricks of "saying hi" and "talking to her" might not be good enough in this case, since this woman would have probably made herself approachable by now if she wanted to be approached.

A safer bet for the man would be to stun her with some gesture of power and confidence: He could fly her to Buenos Aires for a fun-filled weekend, or invite her backstage to meet the band at a U2 show, or even publish a novel and invite her to the big book-release party, which would no doubt impress her. If those things are beyond his abilities, then maybe he needs to accept that he just doesn't measure up, at least for now.

But his triumph will come 20 or 30 years from now, when the women is locked into a stagnant, loveless marriage and has lost her hair from all the chemotherapy, and she'll realize she should have followed her heart all along and given him a chance. I'll bet if the man calls her up at that point, she'll be only too happy to meet him for coffee.

dr. pete,
what do you do when you feel sad and angry about everything? Everything! so sad. so angry. i just wish to be happy again in my little bubbly world of happiness. but now it's all so painful. -- Lady Sta

My dear Lady Sta -- I can't make everything better. But I can tell you this: There's a cycle for everything in life, and it goes something like: (a) Everything is possible. (b) Everything is possible but I might not be good enough. (c) Damn, I wasn't good enough. (d) Maybe I WAS good enough but I didn't do much about it, so now it doesn't matter. (e) Shit, it turns out that everything WAS possible and I WAS good enough all along, but it's far too late now. (f) I'm going to live vicariously through my offspring, and by god they'd better be good enough or I'll beat them emotionally to a pulp.

By my estimates you're only at stage (b), so get out there and make those dreams happen -- FAST!! Before stage (c) comes to claim you!

heres a question for you....why do you bother doing this? -- Adam Fantastic

Dear Adam Fantastic: Why do I bother doing what I do? Whenever I'm asked this question I can't help thinking about one particular girl who hit a rough patch in the growing-up process, as we all do from time to time. For her, a fun afternoon at the wading pool turned problematic when she was suddenly yanked down by the suction of an uncovered drain. Then, as her parents tried vainly to remove her, what seemed to be a common stomach ache (you've had those!) turned out to be 80% of her small intestine and 60% of her large intestine being sucked directly from her bottom into the pipes below. When they finally pulled her up, they found her snaky gray innards drifting in a swirl of tissue and gall. Happily, she lived, and now receives nutritious meals 12 hours a day through a chest tube.

Maybe in some ways I'm reaching out to that troubled little girl in all of us. If only, while she was being slowly disemboweled on that drain, someone had been there to reassure her: Hey, swimming pools have their positive sides, too -- such as boosting general fitness and circulation, building confidence, and just providing good ol' fashioned refreshment on a summer day. Sometimes we all need that gentle reminder.