Darcie,

Waa waa waa waa waa waa.  Words that you said because they sounded good, not because you meant them. Like I said, you're just like a man who beats his wife. They are always sorry, but they are so fucking weak, they can't help but do it again.

You betrayed me, You betrayed your father!  All so you could pop your fucking somas (yes, I found the empty bottle in your drawer as I was packing your things.)  You got 60 generic somas on April 10th, as well as 30 generic Loritabs!  You lied to your doctor to get them too, I know, because Dr. Son would not have prescribed them for you had she/he known!!  But your mother knew!  She's as big a hypocrite as you; you are noth two faced. You belong together!

She worries more that I called you a stupid cow, than if you are abusing that unborn child by pumping it full of your drugs of choice.  You play all miss goody two shoes that you aren't going to abort this baby like you've done what, twice before?  I'm not surprised that you have no concept of the harm ytou're doing to this child, you think nothing of killing them if they aren't convenient, so what's the big deal, huh?.  No, you're just going to kill it slowly, or at least fuck it up really good, all the while swearing that you have not done anything to harm it.  Like I said before, you lie to easily.

Why? Why would you do such a hateful, evil thing?  Did we not tell you to come live here; to not worry about working, to just take a year and spend it with your child?  Good God woman, do you know how many people pray for that every day but go their whole life miserable because they can't get a break. A break like we tried to give to you.

I'm totally done with you. Totally, so make arrangements to come get your things. They have all been packed, and are in the garage.  You are not welcome in my home ever again.  I hope you are happy.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: darcie
To: Woman of many contributions
Date: Mar 10, 2009 11:26 PM
Subject: you and me

Loni, i was so upset on friday when i thought i had lost the very good friendship that we had formed.  I was probably a bit over sensitve being how mom and i were fighting on the way here. Being told to shut up from her all the time has rubbed me raw and to have you tell me that also just made me crazy! it was like her all over! Since you i came to stay here i have completeley decompressed from the stress of constant criticism and actually feel like kerrigan and i have a home and a nice, comfortable one at that. I love being here and having some freedom but, most of all i LOVE seeing kerrigan with you and dad!!!  The whole situation got WAY out of had very fast and should not have gone that far.  Yes, i put up my defenses but thats what i've always done. Since you and dad got together i've always loved you but I never really got to know YOU.  You know what I mean??  In the months we have been living here,  you and i have gotten to have a friendship other than just being dad's wife or my stepmother.  I really have enjoyed spending tha time and talking to you on a woman to woman level; because (shock of shocks) my mother and i really don't have that, wheather she wants to put up a image of what she's not i dont know.  Most people are supposed to be close to there mom well not me.  So thats why when you give me advice on Kerrigan, dealing with Ryan,  or just on life in general I listen and value what you have to say.  Let's face it you have raised plenty of kids and they all turned out pretty dam good! I just didn't want Kerrigan to suffer by not getting to see, play or even snuggle on you.  You have become a very large part of her life and I don't want that to EVER change! I am sorry if I hurt you or disrespected you, i just felt backed into a corner. I hope that you don't believe that i am a liar or a user!! I am endlessly grateful for you and dad with all you have done to help us, and I won't lie to you 1st cuz 1st, I couldnt look you in the eyes and 2nd, theres no reason to lie to you because i know you won't be judgemental with the truth (even though you might not like it). So Thank You! for being a great friend and stepmother, but also for accepting my apology, i dont think i could stand it if one of the only friends wasn't anymore because of miscommunication (but not only by me :0P wink, wink) so yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery! Alright lady you can have you puter back, I Love You,  don't ever change because hopefully Kerrigan will end up smart as can be. Lots o' Love Smooches

This is the world as it should be . . .

I'm Loni.  Loni Roberts-Green to be exact, but even that isn't exactly right.  Many people have problems with my name (or names).  So do I, but here goes: My given name is Lou Ellyn XXXXXXX (I'm leaving it out because if I wanted to go by that and announce it to the whole world, I would have changed it back after I divorced my first husband.  But I didn't.  I kept Roberts as the only souvenier from that era.  But "Loni" came about because when I was 17, I was tired of people saying, "But Lou is a boy's name!", and always spelling Ellyn with an "e", as the Welsh, my ancestors, did.  God, I really wish my mother had left the space out between my first and middle names.  My life would have been so much more uncomplicated. My last name was Roberts when I had David, thus (yes, I said thus), that is where he got his last name.  Then I married Thomas Green, but since David didn't want me to have a different last name than him (and I totally understood that), I just added my hubby's name to mine and voila, we have Lou Ellyn (Loni) Roberts-Green. (Phew!!!!!)

I am mom to David Roberts, aka Dilbert, aka Random Man, aka Jake Foster, aka who knows what-ever-else, and to Katy Ricci, my daughter, David's half-sister.  I had to give Katy up for adoption when she was born to avoid the violence and abuse her father would have wrought on all our lives, if I had kept her.  As hard as it was to give her up, I was able to give her adopted mother the same joy I knew of loving a child.  Katy's mom is a special woman; I would not have given my child to anyone who was not special.  I trusted her to love and care for my daughter, and she did.  I made a great choice, and I don't regret it.

David was the answer to my prayers when I begged God for someone to love who would accept my unconditional love and return it in kind at a point in my life when I'd just learned the meaning of betrayal.  The man I'd spent eleven years with, to whom I was devoted, and totally in love with (or so I thought at the time) cheated on me and stole my house, trust and naitivity from me.  From the time he was born, David and I were the best of friends (most of the time) and his death has affected me and so many other people, it is amazing.  He touched the lives of so many people, and he didn't even realize it.  He never knew the scope of his influence.
If you wonder where he got his humor, I'll tell you.  Me.  Yeah, that's right, it was me. He got it from me.  He was laughing from two weeks old.  I'm glad he shared his humor with so many in this world and that that is what he is remembered for by most.  I'm sure he likes being remembered like that, yes, indeedy, I do believe he does.

But, I believe that he was born before his time.  You see, I was a single mother by choice at the age of 32.  I wanted to love so badly that I created a life, a child, to love.  And maybe he wasn't supposed to be born in 1986 when I wanted him. I believe (because he told me just the other day, you see) that NOW is when he was supposed to be born.  He told me that God allowed me to have him for those 19 years because God wanted me to know the joy of motherhood and of loving David.  And I did. From the bottom of my soul and beyond.  But, again, maybe it wasn't the time for him.  I forced him into this world, and now he's rejoining it when he should have all along.  I wonder what he'll look like.  I believe he has or will be re-born (reincarnated) as a male child, but I don't know that for sure.  Just a feeling.  But you just watch . . . 20 years from now, when an up and coming comedian appears on your visual screen (I doubt they'll have TVs then), look to see if there's a spark in his eye that reminds you just a little of David.  You never know; it could very well be him.  I'll be looking.  Peace out...

how the hell do you blog at a group like this?

Anyone who reads my blogs knows that I use this forum to post not just stuff that's in my head (which can actually be quite bizzar [sic?] yet very compelling, inasmuch (like that word? Me too) as my life has been very, very interesting, and the great part is, all of it is true!  Oh! I wish I could write a book!

But I also post stuff of David's here because, to be honest, I want, and really, really need, to keep David's essence, and the complicated oximoron he was, alive and fresh in people's minds.  He was more than just my son, he was a self-made man who truly changed the world and the people lucky enough to be in his world, just by being who he was.

I hope none of it depresses anyone, because I know people avoid me because they don't know what to say, how to act, and to interface with me makes them uncomfortable, because they think I am sad all the time.

So,  here is something I came across that I wrote just days after he died.  Don't be sad if you read it, just read what my ex-co-worker said about him.  Like I said, he impacted everyone who knew him. 

Hi Mandy,

Dear Loni -

 

I just heard the news of your son, David.  Dara and Marjorie were kind enough to inform me of the goings on.  When I heard, I immediately thought to call you... but I didn't want to intrude on your pain.  I do feel that I must tell you how terribly sorry I am that something like this has happened to you.  I cannot imagine the grief you must be feeling.  I know that there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better about what has happened. 

 

I will always remember how happy you were when you spoke of the goings on in his life, his wrestling, his crushes on girls and his sense of humor.  I also remember how you used to glow when he called you at the office or stopped by to say hi.  He was a happy kid, Loni.  He was nice.  He was caring of others.  That is something that not everyone can say, but it is truly all that anyone can wish for in this life.  David knew that you loved him during his time on earth, and he knows now, looking down from above, that you still love him with all of your heart and soul.

 

Maybe it is because of your belief in angels that I know you will be okay.  You have the best angel on your side now.  David will never leave you.  He will live on in your heart.  He will visit you in your dreams.  He will be there now, to help you through this tragic time, and he will be with you forever to help you with the next obstacle you meet in your life.

 

Most importantly, Loni... take some time for you.  Take some time to  heal.  No one will expect you to recover from this.  Let yourself feel the pain so that you can one day feel the joy of the world again. 

 

I am so sorry.

 

Mandy

 

 

Written August 15, 1985, the day my boyfriend of 11 years's girlfriend gave birth to his baby boy:

I seem to be looking at it all from the other side;
no emotions, yet consumed by them:
I've stepped from one plane to another;
stripped of commitments, my heart is drained.

I'm so full of "nothing" thoughts, and so empty of it all.
And baby makes three; no room for me there anymore;
I'll find another niche to explore . . .
when the numbness wans.

As the lights dim just a twinge, the sounds of reverberating guitar, bass, and drums all kick in as Dimestore Hoods' "Blood In My Eyes" begins to play over the PA as Darren Youngblood come striding onto the top of the stage, just as Jim Korthe's voice starts to rap over the beat. Standing there in black jeans, black Converse, and a blue t-shirt with Young Blood with a giant X between the names on the front and the words "Youngblood" and "Straight Edge" in yellow with an X'd hand between the respective phrases on the back, Darren looks over the crowd for a second or two before removing his sunglasses and placing them on the collar of his shirt as the music fades away and finally cuts out completely. Taking a second to gain his composure, Darren looks straight down into the ring, almost staring straight through Hunter as if he weren't there. Finally raising a microphone to his face, he begins to speak.

Darren: Look, all week long I've heard the same thing over and over again. "Why did you do it?" "That was unnecessary." "You could've ended a man's career!" Well, I've never gotten to tell my side of the story, and I think it's about damn time I said my peace!

He sweeps his free hand over his slicked back hair, which happens to be in a ponytail, and tries to ignore the crowd as he shrugs them off.

Darren: Last HaVok, I made my debut here in NEW...sorry...a little slip. I forgot I'm in the minors of LaW.

Youngblood gets even more boos than he got before, and he simply waits for the crowd to shut their mouths, or at least calm down a bit, before trying to speak once again.

Darren: Last week I made my debut against a man known as Ice. A man who prides himself on having the women, the glory, the money, and the fame that come with being a professional wrestler. You people have forgotten, and I believe that Ice has forgotten, that that's not the reason you get in the ring. It's for one thing...and one thing only...to become the best there has to offer. Forget friends, forget enemies, forget all the backstage political bullshit, for me it's all about going down that ramp, beating whoever they decide to throw in front of me, and heading right back up that ramp. Last week, I was sent down there to do my job...which is to beat my opponent, is it not? So somebody decided to make a distraction, whoop-de-doo. It's Ice's fault for turning around and making himself vulnerable, not mine for taking advantage of the opportunity.

With that said, Darren places the sunglasses on his forehead, using them to help push his hair back as he rolls his neck and looks right at Hunter.

Darren: You got a problem with me taking opportunities, Hunter? You haven't seen anything yet...give it time and I'll show you what taking an opportunity is really about.

With that said, Darren turns back up the ramp and exits through the curtain, a small smirk upon his face as he does so.