So....I'm back, but only for one reaon......To let you all know i don't write for you, I write for me so i can make an understanding of my life....

Realization 101

My life = The epitomy of what some call bad luck.

I realize that i will probably not get anything i want no matter how much i strive for it, no matter how close it is to grasping, i will never grab it. All I can do is live with it and watch how happy some else is with my prize, my destiny. My life is the defintion of what some call "THE FRIEND ZONE." I'm honestly too nice too people and i can't help it, i try to be mean, but instead it hurts me. Not many people feel the guilt i feel from the consecuences of my actions. There have been many times where i could have rightfully taken what was mines, but because i can only think about how others would feel and how happy it woul make the other person, i could not take it upon me to take what i thought was not mines. Now i know to go for what i want it's too late and i have to deal with the fact that i didn't live for myself and now i suffer the consecuence. Even though i wish i could take it, i now realize that is time to move on to new things an start a new.

The word "Faith" is questionable....I have faith in many things like my religion, but other things like life and love my faith is very questionable...it’s very human to have doubts, but it’s also human to put all of it into one thing..."Love" for instance I question it everyday people say you don’t feel love but infatuation....I want to prove people wrong so much, but it’s hard when people don’t give you much evidence to plead the innocence of the word "Love"...There is nothing new up under the sun to me when it comes to relationships....I’m startin to run out emotions, love, and faith in this thing we call relationships, physical and mental bonds with our so called loved ones, it’s getting so hard to trust people and i’m running out of reasons to trust at all.....I used to have faith that everybody had a good side and could be changed if you could work hard enough, but now im resenting the fact that I ever thought that....I’m the nice guy and I used to love helping people and showing them there are betters way of oing stuff, but now i feel as if there is no hope and there is no reason.....For a long minute I really thought that’s what God put me on earth for, I used to feel that nothing could break me down because it’s not about me it’s about others and making sure they never go through things that are not worth going through....Faith In Love....I don’t think i can take another let down....Another heartbreak....In a way I am wreckless my real heart is not in the best of conditions and the last time I was stressed I almost had a heart attack....Why do i put myself in these situations....I don’t know....I gues I still have some hope left in me....But my biggest fear is being a fool again...I hate when people are always right about the girls I choose....Why can’t I just be right sometimes...Why can’t something good happen to me....Am I bringing this upon myself.....Faith....Will it play out in the end I don’t know, But I have some faith and as long as i have that maybe i’ll be alright......

In life.....we want many things...we want our plans to go as planned....we want love to be around the corner just as well as money....hey for some it's even kids.....but in the end it's one or two or maybe all.......but things in life make it difficult sometimes......and in the end we strive for one of those many things just hoping t will come true....for some it will.....and for others it wont....we all know how life is.....but for me.....all i want is the simple things.....like love....i could care less if im not the richest man alive....but all i care about is is true love.....yes some may say im too young and stupid...and others my age think im crazy, but i really dont care......people want things and this so happens to be one of my wants.........but if i've found it....hell yea.....but if i haven't......then i dont know what im going to do.......im kinda scared i've put alot of work into my relationship....and if it doesnt workout then im screwed for life.....it sucks to know that you put so much into something and then it may be ripped away from you......but then there's the feeling that i have someone to call my own ya know.....someone to hold.....to tell i love you......someone to kiss and feel wanted with.........i think everyone should find love.....btu for some it's the last thing on their minds and thats ok......just aslong as they never have to feel the feeling of being lonely......because it's the worse feeling in the world....but things can always go wrong in relationships......like cheating....and sometimes you may not even mean to cheat, but you did......you may be mad at your loved one and then you go and do soething really stupid and they never forgive you.....if your willing to risk that for a good time with a stranger then your an idiot......but who am i to tell you......you'll just have to learn on your own......you have to fall sometimes to understand the stupid things you've done.......but me i have too much of a guilty concience to o something like that...shit i cant even lie good.....but thats what makes me a good person....cause i want my girlfriend or wife to feel as if all her worries are gone when she's with me and to feel that nothing can come between us.......i pray we last....and pray that just maybe i have helped somebody