Valentine’s Day is coming, and what better way to express the depth of your commitment to your wife, girlfriend or that chromosome deficient cousin with the one huge tit than with a romantic trip to the Bloodhound Gang’s Valentines Weekend shows? Pretty much anything short of domestic violence, but what do you care? At fifteen bucks a ticket it’s cheaper than an incest concealing abortion. Here’s where you can get your grubby hands on tickets on-line:

Crocodile Rock Cafe (February 13)

Chameleon Club (February 15)

Recher Theatre (February 16)

And although the show at West Chester’s Note on Valentine’s Day is already sold out, you can still win tickets by listening to Radio 104.5 in Philadelphia, which, although technically a Christian rock station, is giving away tickets to several loving couples willing to pledge their souls to Satan.

After three treasonous years of disrespecting the nation of our birth by enjoying the warmest beer, the transvestiest prostitutes and the hairiest poo-poo holes that Europe has to offer, we are essentially proud to announce that the Bloodhound Gang is coming back to our beloved America! In less than a month we will be attempting to weasel our way back into the U.S. music scene, starting with a brief tour through the country’s Amish meth heartland of Pennsylvania and Maryland. We have also expanded our Australian tour to include headlining shows in Sydney and Melbourne, after which a brief tour through Mel Gibson’s favorite Aboriginal brothels will lead us back to the home of the “Whopper.” We'll then be playing the Bamboozle festivals in Irvine, CA and East Rutherford, NJ, where you’ll most likely be forced to endure Fallout Boy in order to see the Bloodhound Gang. Or the other way around.

After over a year of sitting on our lazy butts watching the gradual reduction of our bank accounts and expansion of our waistlines, we have finally gotten our shit together enough to start booking some actual shows. As of right now we've confirmed that we will be appearing at all of Australia's Soundwave Festivals in February, and it's about time. The last time we were invited to perform a Pacific rim job, Hannah Montana was still nothing but an annoying itch in Billy Ray Cyrus skin tight jeans. It's with a lot of regret that we have to inform you that Lüpüs Thünder will not be joining us on this tour, as he finally came to the conclusion that the rest of us are a bunch of dicks and he'd rather kill himself with a didgeridoo suppository than ever share a bus, plane, stage or sandwich with us again. While we mourn his decision to move on just as we did with Spanky G, Willie the New Guy, Daddy Long Legs, MSG and Skip-o-pot-2-mus, we plan to continue on unhindered, hopefully inventing some sort of robot or bionic orangutan to take his place on guitar.
Before our fellow Americans start bitching about us never playing in our home country, we just want to point out that we are currently strategizing our triumphant return to American touring, hopefully starting in March, even though financing our return tickets may well mean we have to use DJ Q-Ball as a heroin mule. To what remains of our loyal fans, we will see you on the road in a few short months, meanwhile we will be recording, rehearsing and jerking off to pictures of Sarah Palin's head Photoshopped onto the body of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" –era Kristy Swanson.

-Evil Jared

Name five of your favorite albums of all-time.
Depeche Mode "Speak And Spell"
HIM "Razorblade Romance"
Placebo "Without You I'm Nothing"
Slayer "South Of Heaven"
The Fall "Are You Are Missing Winner"

If you inherited a retired Russian space monkey, what would you train it to do?
I can't speak Russian!

Since you're a fan of HIM, what do you think is the worst way to die?
Being upside-down while encircled by burning jet fuel late at night in the North Atlantic in December with my seatbelt still on.

What is your favorite pickup line towards a chick (or a man in your case) to get them back to your pad?
"Hey Boss, do you live around here often?"

If you had a chance to have a dinner party with five people, who would they be and why?
Can I invite five clones of myself?

Realistically, what did you want to achieve by forming Bloodhound Gang? And have you yet?
Screw girls that ten years ago, wouldn't let me deliver a pizza to their house. Done and done!

Can you name for me two things that you wouldn't do on stage?
Defecate or ejaculate. Again.