909ner G Lane - Synapse Trap
I took a bunch of little kids to a swanky country club where they only played croquet. We were all in our Easter Sunday best in the foyer waiting for a coat hanger rigged green to open up and I noticed sitting next to us was Dwight Yoakam and Marty Stuart. We all acted naturally until one of the little girls with me got sad and showed me the end of her mallet, which was missing a rubber cap. I was bummed too until I spotted that Dwight had a ziplock baggy full of rubber ends. I asked could we borrow one? “Sure, partner”, he said with a confident smile.

Not to be upstaged I guess, Marty Stuart started talking out loud to Dwight, “Yeah, people are always asking me for rubber mallet tips when I’m out on the street. Like, all the time!
But...uh...they’re just not doing it right now.”
 
I felt sorry for how much the guy just wanted to be as relevant as Dwight. But not for too long cause me & the kids got called to come out and play a round!

Ganeshs pixal tear - Synapse Trap



So I found myself over at Jay-Z’s house, which was a small cluttered apartment outside of some city. I was nervous because I wondered if he could read my thoughts, specifically that I have thought impure thoughts about his girlfriend. But Mr Z all the sudden told me I could get a beer from the fridge in the kitchen. I felt relieved but when i went into the kitchen, all I saw was empty cabinets and a big cardboard box. I hollered to Hova in the next room, “Um...I don’t see a refrigerator in here, Jay.”

He hollered back, “It’s in the box, Jacker my Cracker. I like to keep my s@#t nice!”

So I pulled at a flap on the cardboard box and sure enough there was jewel & bling incrusted fridge inside.



Then right as I got my beer, one of J’s homies said, “Aw man- look at the city!”

The city was burning with a mushroom cloud over it.

“Obama will take care of it”, one of the other homies said.

I shook my head, “I don’t think there’s anything to take care of. The city’s gone.”

Everyone, including Jay Z, nodded in consideration.

“So what do we do now?”, somebody asked.

“I think we just sit here and wait for our flesh to fall off”, I offered.

My answer received a few disappointed, “Damn, dawgs!”



And with the city burning, I woke up.

What do I do (ambient mix) - Synapse Trap/Carrie Mills



I was excited because I was finally getting to DJ a roller rink! Been my dream ever since I first heard pop dance music at United Skates of America in Evansville to rock people’s wheels. But while I was putting my equipment together- and I hadn’t quite got all my equipment in- the rink management told me I needed to start playing immediately cause the skaters were ready and getting upset. My music was still out in the car and so I went to run go get it but was stopped by all these normal sized guys with thick necks. I pleaded to let me pass but they just grinned & puffed out their necks. So I went back to the DJ booth with a sick feelin’ in my belly.

There were some cds scattered around the booth but they were all terrible, non danceable music that I knew if I played, I would be lynched. So I frantically scanned all the disks holding out for something tolerable and finally found a song that was at least cheesy adult contemporary. But when I pushed play, it wasn’t even the right cd. The people booed as they rolled in circles.



I thought, “Well, Tim- it’s time to man up & take action.” So I went straight for the door and of course the thick necked guys jumped in front of it. With furious rage, I grabbed the nearest one and squeezed his muthatruckin’ neck. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed, hoping the guy would back down. He never did, just grinning while he suffocated, died & hit the ground. Even as I could felt his jugular stop pumping, the guy grinned his crap-eatin-grin, looking at me like somehow he was still on top. I looked up and his buddies grinned too, one even inching forward as if he was getting in line next to die.

Infinitely frustrated, I woke up.

Currently listening: Dance the Devil By The Frames Release date: 2005-11-28

The little one is leaving - Synapse Trap

Images by Apple Moshberry



A little more than I have ever have in the past, I’ve been asking God for comfort. I’ve rarely ever have done this kind of thing because most of my wants don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, especially when one considers all the genocide, slavery & legitimate suffering that goes on in the world. Also, my faith wavers from time to time that Yahweh would take the time to break thru space and time to help my goofy A$%, specially with all the disobedient stuff I’ve done in my short life. Nonetheless, we’re told by the Rabbi that God has no memory of our sins & we’re to “ask & it shall be received”.



So when I sometimes get those empty lonely dark nights of the soul moments and don’t want to call anyone just to burden someone else, I’ve been praying. And almost without fail, some spirit (some of you reading this even) will either give me a call needing help with something, wanting to see what I’m up too or some other activity involving my physical presence. In all these moments I’ll realize at some point my prayer has been answered, stop, face away from the sent angel and grin at the ground and thank the one who made it. Just the other night I had beamed the grateful ground grin while one of you hulu hooped in my parking lot.


 
So I was in Alabama this past weekend with my immediate family and mom’s side, and after a big day of eating, climbing rocks, caving & fishing, all the married couples and- in many cases their children with them- went to bed. I was so grateful for all the happy family love I got that day but I still couldn’t help having that I-wish-someone’s-head-was-on-that-pillow-next-to-me. So again I prayed. I didn’t expect one of ya’ll to in the next moment to start tapping on the window in the woods in Alabama but just wanted the pain to subside a bit.



I fell asleep somewhere around there and dang if the creator didn’t send one of ya’ll to me in my dreams. ‘She’ will remain named as such but I found She in the sunday school room that I grew up attending and she was spraying beautiful graffiti up on the church walls. I was stunned by the images and lettering went on about how beautiful & vivid the work was, to which She smiled blushing a little. It was then that I finally focused on her a little more and noticed that she only had one hand and that she was wearing short shorts. Yeah, like a nub & cheeks. She blushed even more after I didn’t spend much time staring at the mentioned body parts & went back to being enamored with her painting and saying so. I remember saying that her work edified the viewer as opposed to attack (ala Banksy & other political heavy handed artists). She said something like I was the first person that noticed her art before her missing hand and hawt legs and THEN proceeded to crawl up in my arms and on my lap!



In typical dream fashion, there was so much innocence in our chatting while we were intertwined that it was only when my 80 year-old sunday school teacher and my classmates entered the room, did I realize that this was a bit of sensuous situation. But apparently the old lady and kids didn’t get this either and came right over and introduced themselves to She. “We’re so glad you’ve chosen to share your art and join us today”, the teacher proclaimed and then commenced to presenting the lesson. The dream ended while She and I were grinning at each other, and then me at the ground, thanking God for sending She and also letting me sit through sunday school with a leggy loving one handed angel on my lap.

As seen & heard on Comedy Central, Last Comic Standing and Bob & Tom, comedian Mary Mack will be performing her adorable brand of stand-up and music in celebration of the release of her new album "Pinch Finger Girl". $10 at the door and college students get a free album with ID. People with driver's license will get a free unsolicited comment about their photo! Local funny favorite Chad Riden will open & I will be...working the merchandise table.
May 18th 7:30pm!

www.marymackcomedy.com

And here's some teasers...

Bear claw in the bathroom - Synapse Trap/Mary Mack/Andy Kong Anderson




http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=550775189&ref=name#/event.php?eid=80349208422&ref=mf

Janeane- "Frosted Stix & Dirt is the best tasting cereal cause it's healthy, organic & I say so."

Me- "Lucky Charms is the best tasting cereal because it has sweet shamrock shaped marshmallows."

Janeane- "You're clearly a racist."

Me- "Hunh?"


Janeane Garofalo adds much to taxation debate

Hurts to wake up - Synapse Trap



Some of my guy friends whom I cherished because there are hilarious, came over to my house with ski masks in hand and convinced me to help them steal one of my neighbor’s crate of house records. I resisted but they we so funny that I thought that this robbery couldn’t possibly be a bad thing- like maybe they were stealing back something that wasn’t my neighbor’s in the first place.



Come to find out, the act was totally selfish and low down. As my hilarious butthole friends smashed the windows, I grabbed the records and remember running with them and noting that Negrocan was the first title in the batch.

Cada Vez - Negrocan

They went on their way with their new used records and I drove to my house the back way out of shame of seeing my unprovoked neighbors’ place.



At home, some not-nefarious friends stopped by- Alexa & Ape- for a visit. While Alexa went to the bathroom, Ape started looking sad and confessed that her whole life was a sham, in that she actually had no hair, no teeth and was only 4 years-old. She then pulled off her wig and went from looking like the cute teenager that she is to that deformed Spartan in “300”.
I gave her/it a hug as best I could considering her humpback and confessed that my life was a sham too and that I was a notorious record thief on the run and that I gave in to peer pressure- especially if the pressure was hilarious. Alexa came out the bathroom announcing her mom had called her on my restroom phone and that it was time to go. While I was trying to figure out where we had a phone in our bathroom (news to me), Ape put her wig back on and was no longer deformed. The girls saluted me, left and I started massaging my arms sore from trying to hug all of Ape’s hump.



My rapper roommate 24-7 came home to tell me I needed to quit sleeping on the couch cause when he wanted to watch late night tv, he had to sit on my body to do so. I apologized now realizing why I always woke up with potato chips all over me but also wondered why I would sleep on a lumpy, boards-exposed couch. I went into my bedroom to in fact find that I had no bed. AND my room was freezing. I tried to shut the window but found there was no glass in it and to make matters worse, I accidentally knocked the screen out. It fell into the salvage yard valley that our house sat on the cusp of.



Tired and frustrated, I went out on the steps that led to the bottom of the valley, curled up and fell asleep at the top of them.

I woke up with the neighbors I had robbed standing around me. I thought they were going to kill me but they were only asking me to come over to their trailer to look at some records they found. I obliged them and after finding all kinds of break core groups with names like “Bladder Maus” and “Ubberdorf” in the crate, I announced they were probably DJ Mike Vulcan’s.

They said cool and that they would go return them to Mike but not before taking me in their trailer studio to listen to their new hip-hop tracks. I can’t remember if they were any good or not, but after I saw all their nice expensive studio equipment, thought to myself that me and my funny-ha-ha friends shoulda stole it instead of wasting our time with a crate of beat up house records.

I woke from all that fun, typed all this out and then ate some spicey chicken wings.

1) Bob Willis & His Texas Playboys “Rolly Polly”
2) Blue Chips “Cryin’ Holy Unto the Lord”
3) Una Mae Carlisle “Oh I’m Evil”
4) Sister Rosetta Tharpe “Trouble in Mind”
5) Albert Luandrew “Illinois Central”
6) Skeets McDonald “Smoke comes out my chimley just the same”
7) Five Royals “Think”
8) Carson Robison & the Pleasant Valley Boys “Rockin’ & rollin’ with grandma”
9) Patience & Prudence “Tonight you belong to me”
10) Oak Ridge Boys “On the sunny banks”
11) Flamingos “I only have eyes for you”
12) Washboard Sam “My bucket’s got a hole in it”
13) Charley Chase “When the band round your hat plays home sweet home”
14) Memphis Minnie “Kissin’ in the Dark”
15) Chet Baker “Let’s get lost”
16) Fat Waller “By the light of the silvery moon”
17) Milburn Amos “Bad Bad Whiskey”
18) Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys “Bring it on down to my house”
19) Odetta “Gallow’s Pole”
20) Nina Simone “Gin house blues”
21) Molly O’Day “Livin’ the right life now”
22) Golden Gate Quartet “God’s gonna cut ya down”
23) Lee Dorsey “My old car”
24) Storey Sisters “Bad motorcycle”
25) Buck Owens “Waitin’ in your welfare line”
26) Thurston Harris “Little bitty pretty one”
27) Good Time Singers “I’ll take a little more of that”
28) Lewis Family “Where did you get your ligion?”
29) Linda Martell “Color him father”
30) Patience & Prudence “Smile & a ribbon in my hair”
31) Una Mae Carlisle “Without you baby”


Holler at me if'n ya want a copy!

Maybe when the kid is dead, folks will remember her crayon canvases, fall-asleep hums, sunk-in-eye smiles, trembling hugs and run-on tales of finding rainbows under rocks & old tires. And THEN the folks will string it all together and say, “What work! If only we’d seen her kingdom when she was alive!”



Well, then take a cue from your own laments now and actually listen to what the back seat kickin’ kids, day dreamy crazies and drowsey dying are sing-songy-saying now. You’re gonna stumble across them tomorrow and debate whether to bark, flee or slow down. Forget the safe, more graspable sense of cool to mournfully admire & listen to the dead. Your attention might be medicine to the sick yet-not-quite-ghosts-yet.

The pit cliffs & torn up wilderness
still keeps my boot beats and factory hum harmonies
within it's throat
and seems to heave when I return for a visit
eager to sing for me it's newest patchwork variation
on the new generation little kids whistles,
dog hollers
rifle cracks
high schoolers sub woofer moans
highway coal truck booms


It stirs up 'em all up
adds it's own splashes, rustles and crunches
which I can feel in my chest
as it holds me home






Had a great time at home for Thanksgiving, mostly playing with Blah Blah, Hunter & dad.
One highlight was finding a dead squirrel, helpin' the kids dig a hole and then having a funeral for whom we came to know as 'Carl'. Blah Blah said some nice things, including that 'Carl was a good squirrel- he was always on time, always waved and-' (at this point, my sister and me lost it) '-he always had the biggest nuts in town'. My niece had no idea what she was saying. Later in the day, it became more fun to Blah Blah to start listing all the bad things bout Carl she didn't mention at the funeral. 'He smoked a 1000 cigarettes and rode his bicycle at the same time, had 10 tattoos, 15 earrings, was in jail every weekend, had 20,000 girlfriends and didn't play with his kids!' Funny what kids perceive as bad behavior.









Dad & us went walkin' in the Warrick County wilderness, where about halfway thru we remembered it was the last day of deer season. Man, what a bad day to wear my Christmastime antler hat. I got shot 6 times! Luckily no one else got capped. Just antler hat boy.






Ours is a coal mining county and the stuff is scattered on the ground top here and there. At one point I picked up some of the black mineral and showed Blah Blah & Frankenhunter, while tellin' bout it being the old timey source of heat. At that point the kids couldn't get enough of it, filling all their arms, pockets and my pockets with the fossil fuel. They were aiming to take it home to burn it. And then after Dad talked a little bout how dangerous & hard the coal miners had it, the kids recalled that their great-grandfather was a coal miner and had died in a cave in. Well, actually they never found the poor guy's body so maybe he's still down there. But Dad and me were a little astounded at this family history (non-Buchanan side) that the talk of coal had jump started in the kids' minds.









I know I keep goin' on bout Blah Blah but she's a one in a million, she wants to be the best gymnast she can be and so every night made herself go thru a harsh regimen of muscle building and stretching exercises. I know how harsh they were cause she asked me to be her partner in the endeavor and my carcass still hurts as I write this! I mean, i actually couldn't even do some of the pretzel lookin' things with my body and so settled for a cheeto lookin' stabs. Blah Blah kept laughing at how pathetic I looked and said, "Uncle Tim, quit making me laugh while I'm twisted like this!" I was like, "I'm not tryna be funny! I suck at these exercises and I think I'm bleeding internally!"





It was painful to leave, I gotta say. Blah Blah was always by my side, we constantly talking bout how life works, letting our imaginations and humor run where they wanted to run and didn't have to care bout disapproving peers thinking we were crazy. I think i also got that taste of adoptive fatherhood. The chance of me having kids don't look too good right now and that made the departure a little more sadder. Also, I think since having been married before and being a social worker, most of my adult life had been about everybody else but me. And so these last few years I decided to shift to doing things that make me happy and maybe I think I've went a little too far in the self centered direction. Taking in the wonder of a child and doing things that weren't necessarily for my top enjoyment at least made me consider the possibility.