Remember my big old meltdown last year? Blog deletion spree extraordinaire (off with their heads!)? Well, enlightenment is happening now. I can be so dense sometimes…

I like to think that I have myself figured out, my subconscious ( I really hate that term, its so 'I went to see a therapist-ish)' just had a laugh at my expense.

I have a really cool friend, who, because her medical insurance covered it, went to see a therapist. For kicks. It turned out to be a good thing, because the shrink pointed out things about her life that she hadn't realized before. She's the most self-aware person I know, and a therapist told her stuff she didn't even know was going on with her. Thank God for comprehensive medical cover.

The really cool thing is that the shrink helped her be more comfortable with herself.
Classic example: 'Lucyi, sometimes you like your own space and blow off the people who care for you and want to hang out with you, but that's OK. You just need to realize what it is that you're doing and go about it in a less hurtful way.' I want her shrink.

Sometimes we forget that change is part of growing, and that if things did not change, you should fling yourself off the nearest high rock. You should defenestrate yourself. (yes, it's a real word. I was just dying to use it someplace. OK, no more clever asides, I'll get to the point, I promise.)

See, if you're like me, you have some great master plan to your life, or a loose plan at least. We do the best we can, but our plans will only go so far. I used to pride myself on my flexibility, that I could take whatever life threw at me and just keep going. What I didn't think about is what would happen once I'd followed my plan to its natural end. Unless you're psychic, you just don't know what's out there.

Last year, I was banging my head against a wall. It's not very pleasant.
I felt how I think dolphins who have lost their sense direction would feel. Fuzzy headed as heck, and incredibly frustrated.

The thing is, I was happy. Don't make no sense, does it? But hear me out, I feel really smart for tying the loose ends together.

I had gotten where I wanted to be. Everything was good. Job was good, life was sorta good, what more could I want? I was comfortable. That's supposed to be a good thing.
However, even though I was comfortable, it was not where I was headed. It was a stop on the road. On a really long road trip, there's nothing better than stopping at a rest stop and going to the bathroom and stretching your legs. Not at the same time and not in that particular order. That and chugging cold beers and having a good laugh with your mates, but that's another story for another day.

Metaphorically speaking, I was in the bathroom for a real long time.

We all get like that, settle for comfort even when we know that our journeys aren't really over. You could be having the best job in your life, and the familiar things become important to you: you know your place in the world and you're not about to give it up for anything. Some people spend their entire lives doing this and they can be convinced that they are happy with their lives, but if they're really honest with themselves, there's something missing. Only the rare few jump out into the unknown wholeheartedly.

I'm not saying change your job regularly or date as many people as you can. You wish. What I'm saying is, be open to change, be open to the next step in your life, it may be in your job, it may be in a relationship…just because something is really good doesn't mean that it's the ultimate thing, it could get better if you gave it a chance. It could get worse, too, but that will be a learning experience. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but if you're with me so far, I think you get what I'm saying.

So, I was frustrated and in a huge way took it out on the people in my life. If you got caught in the cross fire, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. Next time I get really weird and don't wanna talk about it, I'm just in the bathroom. You know I need the space.

I'm not all sunshine and cookies, but at least I'm letting myself look beyond what I have right now. It's scary as heck, but kinda thrilling. It's that feeling I get when I'm rappelling down a rock real fast; I'm scared out of my mind, I might hit the ground real hard and I desperately wish I hadn't done it, but gosh, its so much fun!

My friend Lucy and I were about to meet up the other day and go to the Nature Walk (for you my friends in far away places, Nairobi's equivalent to a zoo), but when I woke up that morning, I didn't really want to. I just wanted to wear some comfy old clothes, hang out with a good book and just chill for a while. How was I going to get out of this? I love my friend, but I just wanted to chill. I knew it; I would tell her I was too broke. Before I could text her and tell her I couldn't go, she called and told me that she was really sorry, but she just wanted to hang out at home with a good book and chill. I laughed so hard. I wasn't even offended. I loved her for being so honest.

Its ok to feel the way I do, I just need to be honest with the people in my life and tell them to get the hell out of the way before I do them some grievous harm. They wouldn't want to hang out with me in this mood anyway.

Its life, it's called growing up.

Today, I woke up feeling like I could do anything. Nothing could hold me down, not the chaos without, not the misplaced sense of self I felt within. Surrounded by the worlds of those who I've never met but whose orbits frequently collided with mine, I felt inspiration. I reveled in the feeling of being amongst people whose lives are so rich. For sure, their lives weren't all peachy, there was some messed up shit in their lives, but they rose in spite of it and molded their lives into what they wanted.

 

I woke up feeling like I could mould my own world. Grab it and pummel it into submission into a shape that was pleasing to me, convinced that by the sheer force of just how much I wanted it to be something else, I could make it happen.

 

I have a friend. God poured raw talent and creativity into him without restraint, it's sickening to be around him sometimes. He can make music so sweet; I break out in Goosebumps whenever he plays. His eyes are like liquid brown pools of honey; I get offended they got wasted on a boy. He is so at home in nature, not all gung-ho and striding about in the wilds like its something that he has conquered, he is a part it. Like his heart beats the same with the plants and animals.

 

He doesn't like himself much, though. He seems blind to what he has and hates his life. Asks God why he's mean to him.

 

I cant stand it. I get the urge to bitch slap him and tell him to stop being such a pussy. Life is what you make it. How can he be so blind to what he has?

 

I woke up with sadness. Heart wrenching anguish at how much time I've wasted by being afraid. The world could have been what I wanted it to be for me. They say if you want something bad enough the universe conspires to make it happen. I've been wanting in little bits and pieces, but today I was not embarrassed to want something badly enough. I want.

 

For my life not to be based on how other people make me feel. To not be embarrassed of wanting to revel in the things of life, in love, hurts and dreams. I could kick myself for being such a coward. Of being ashamed of wanting life greedily.

 

I want to use words the way I feel like using them. I want to roll them on my tongue, taste them and feel them stroke their way like heady drugs through my brain.

 

I want to dance, not in any particular way. To dance like there's no one watching and sometimes like someone is, because sometimes both are good.

 

I want to feel images like they are a visceral part of me, to make images so …I cant even find the words for them. Images that evoke feelings and ideas because of how strong they are. I want to make images that stick in your mind like mind like flies wings in honey, that you carry everywhere with you.

 

I want to not have the inhibitions that I have been taught to have. To laugh out real loud and not care that my laughter might sound like the braying of donkeys. To eat with my hands because the food tastes so much better then, not caring that it's a serious breach of table etiquette. I want to not be embarrassed because I don't know so much about stuff, like art and politics and such even though I'm learning. I want to be strong, to not feel like I'm naked in a room full of clothed people. I get that feeling, sometimes, like people can see right through me.

 

I want to love someone without holding back, without fearing of falling and hurting myself. To accept that sometimes moments with people can be as rich and tender as when they are forevers.

 

I want to be that person who carries on, to be able to get up, dust myself off and to keep on going. To not wallow in failure, I just wanna keep going like the Duracell bunny.

 

I want to be that person.

Happy New 2008 to all you, virtual friends!

If youve been watching the news, you know that here in Kenya, it hasn't been the most brilliant of beginnings to a new year.

Im feeling so many things right now.
Its hard for me to watch the news, I feel so physically tired after. Like I've been carrying about the weight of the world on my shoulders.

On December 27th, 2007, a record 10 million plus people went to the polls to vote in the president for the next 5 years. Kenyans living abroad came home for the first time in years to make a difference in who was going to be named president.

On December 30th, amid myriad electoral irregularities, President Mwai Kibaki was sworn in for a second term.
That was the day Kenya started burning.

Im not going to browbeat the world with my own political views. Most of the time, im firmly apolitical, preferring to leave our politicians to their usual shenanigans. Im also not going to trash anyone else's political views, they are entitled to them. We all voted for whoever we thought would do the best job. We based this on whatever criteria mattered to us, his tribe, his record so far, whatever.

However, regardless of whom we voted for, the two presidential candidates are doing their country a disservice.

For far too long, politicians have held this country in ransom for their own quest for power. Inciting, breeding hatred and discontent.
Feelings that have been bubbling under the surface, kept well stoked by the incitement of politicians finally came out to the detriment of our country.

I am angry.

Watching the television, watching those fat politicians going on and on about who is right or wrong, obstinately refusing to give any way until their own demands are met while hundreds of kenyans are burnt to death in their homes and thousands more kicked out of places they have called home for decades just makes my blood boil. At the end of the day, he shall go back to his comfortable well-guarded home and wake up to a breakfast of sausages and eggs.

None of them are doing us any favors.

Im not offering any solutions or being wise and helpful. Today, Im just an angry and confused Kenyan. Where are we supposed to go from here?

To all my friends who called or wrote to ask how my family and i are doing, thank you. We are all fine. Things seem to be getting better. I hope it lasts.

in·er·tia
n.

1. Physics. The tendency of a body to resist acceleration; the tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest or of a body in straight line motion to stay in motion in a straight line unless acted on by an outside force.
2. Resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change: the inertia of an entrenched bureaucracy.

Or, the inertia of isabel, her inability to stay in motion in a straight line. Does that make sense?

Its been hard adjusting to being back home. For some reason, I dont fit in the same way anymore. This is hard.

Wuuh! Check you out subscribers, a twofer! Im uncharacteristically happy today, so ill write another blog to tide you over for a possible bleak spell ahead.

I am not a nice person. Surprised? My closest friends right now would not have touched me with a stick. Now that we are friends, they unashamedly tell me that I used to be a mean narky bitch. Now, I wouldnt go as far as saying that I was mean..I was just too honest.

Im one of those people who got the gift to say whatever it is that was on their mind. Believe me, this doesnt get you a truck load of friends. What is it with people anyway?why are you asking me if your butt looks fat in those jeans if you dont really want me to tell you? Gah.

Civilization, the kind of civilization that is meant  when people say ' behave in a civilized manner' and the kind of civilization that entails cocktails and dinner parties, well...it sucks. Its become a mark of  civilazation for people to become more and more dishonest. Theres a sort of unspoken agreement that nice people always say nice things and tell fibs because the truth will not be.....well, nice.

Im a free speaker no more and I find that sorta sad. Ive learned the hard way that you have to sugarcoat the truth or yourself in order to have some sort of social life. Sometimes, it feels like a battle to just keep a leash on the beast inside. We are all like that in a way.

My friend and I were discussing how it would be a good idea to set up another anonymous blog page elsewhere (not so anonymous anymore since ive already told you folks about it) and to just have a go at everthing. You want to rant about your friends? Do it there! It doesnt matter if they dont read it, at least youll have had your two cents somewhere. Who knows, it could even get picked up by some big-shot hollywood producer and turned into a movie? Remember 'You got mail'? In this case, you'd have 'You've got blog'.

We are such vile creatures, we human beings, made nicer by layers of clothes and titles.

Maybe I should write a story about someone who has a double life.....it would make a great movie. Argh, darn it, I think thats what 'Fight Club' was about.

This is a rambly blog, innit?

I wanted to have a really good rant today, but Ive sort of waffled around it because Im worried that you guys will not like me anymore and will probably have me committed to an asylum. Instead, all ive managed to do is to push my half-baked thoughts about like food i dont want to eat.

How frustrating.

I want to be really bad today. I think I'll go have some drinks, gotta water the beast and all that.

Hello people!

No, Im not dead,  neither have I have run off with some handsome man (i can only wish ....), but i have the next best thing.  A really cool job!

For all (five of you) that have been wondering what Ive been upto this year, I was slightly jobless at the beginning of the year, then on the 3rd of January I started a new job with the coolest boss in the world. Im working as an assistant to a professional photographer and since I started, Ive barely had the time to sit and write (that and because i no longer have free internet. Helen, public libraries in Kenya do not have free internet access.)

Anyhoo, Ive met some interesting people, had some really bizarre experiences that Im going to share with y'all soon. Just wanted to say hello and send some love your way.

Isabel

The year is winding down, everything is coming to a standstill and i had thought of sneaking off without saying anything, but figured it will be a while before I blog again. Mostly because i wont have any more free internet.

This has been a great year, moreso because of you, the friend I made in the most unlikeliest of places. I actually joined so I could meet some cute guys, i met you folks instead. Oh well.

Just kidding.

Thank you for being my friend, we have never met (most of you that is, i have met Dark Angel. She's crazier in real life), but i feel like I have friends in you.

Enjoy the holidays, have a superb New Year and ill see you all sometime next year. (Which is like 11days away, but it sounds more dramatic when i put it that way).

Much, much love, Isabel

In today's Daily Nation, there's a story of a 64 year old man who repeatedly raped his 8 year-old daughter over a period of time and infected her with an STD. His wife, the child's mother, repeatedly went to the community elders for counselling to no avail. Eventually, she reported him to the local police. He was sentenced to four years in prison.

There are no words to explain the dismay that my friends and I felt when we read the article. In the last  couple of years, sexual crimes have been on the rise in Kenya, mainly against female minors. Punishment for these crimes has amounted to nothing more than a slap on the wrist for one of the worst crimes that can be committed against another human being. The one that really scared me was when a man raped an 80-something old senile grandmother. She had no understanding of what had happened to her. What kind of person would do such a thing?

Njoki Ndung'u, a nominated member of Parliament recently won the UN Person of the Year award for her work on the Sexual Offences bill. The Bill, greatly opposed by male Members of Parliament called for much sterner measures againsts sexual offenders. When you look at the magnitude of the crimes committed against women and children and the punishment to those committing the crimes, the disparity is laughable.

Sexual violence against men in Kenya is also on the rise, according to www.sexualoffencesbill.co.ke, to date there have been 102 cases of sodomy reported. There are probably more unreported cases; not reported because of the social stigma attached to a man who allows himself to be raped by another man.

As sad as that may be, my own personal axe to grind is violence against women.

Sexual offences go beyond rape, the phrase encompasses sexual harassment and such outdated (and dangerous practices as Female Genital Mutilation, benignly called Female Circumcision). The Bill proposed that males found to have committed a sexual crime against a woman or child be punished by castration, longer sentences...and so on. Lets's just say, I would think long and hard before committing a sexual crime. The Bill went on to describe the various forms of sexual offences so as to leave nothing to chance.

The male members of Parliamnet balked at the Bill. One of the crimes described was sexual harassment, one honourable Member of Parliament put it this way. 'Women are shy and timid creatures, sometimes when they say 'no', they really mean 'yes'. They require a little persuasion.'

As a friend of mine says, what was even worse about the statement was that he chose to say that, not in the comfort of his house or in his own back yard but in Parliament. I was more upset at his description of women. 'shy and timid creature'......Excuse me, are we talking about a human being or a dik-dik in the Mara? I dont know about him, but the women Ive been in contact with, whether in the village or in the city are neither shy nor timid. They are women who know their minds, and no, no matter how it is said, still means the negative. No, mister powerful member of parliament, I do not want to be married at 12 years old. No, I do not need to have my clitoris chopped off to make me more woman. And No!, I certainly want to get an education and not get married to that doddering old man who has given my father 20 cows for me!!

God! What is so hard to understand about that?

From time immemorial, women have had the most vile of crimes committed to their persons. Im sorry guys, but it seems like the male-dominated society has done all within its power to subvert the position of women in society.

During the witch-burnings, if a woman displayed any sign of having a healing ability, she was considered an abomination, a witch, and burned at the stake. Joan d'Arc, once a heroine to her people, was also burned at the stake for being a witch, her only crime to gain power and popularity which for a woman was not desirable. I bet 'wizard' burnings were extremely rare, if at all they were there.

My friend tells me that I should read the book, 'Mists of Avalon' that features priestesses. The idea is comforting.

For years, male accomplishments have been lauded, any sign of human development imbued with male supremacy, phrases like 'first steps for 'manhood' being bandied about. It may not seem like a big deal, but the fact that it doesnt just goes to show that there's a serious lapse somewhere.

For too long, women have not known whether they are coming or going. When they speak out against injustices, they are portrayed as frenzied harridans, trying to break out against the roles that nature has ordained for them. When they are passive, its seen as an excuse for them to be put down.

Im not calling for equality, that would be doing both genders a great disservice. We each have abilities that could never be equated due to our different genders, I'm calling for acceptance, that we are all different and that our differences make the world run more smoothly.

Did you know that Bonobo ape society is a matriachy? According to studies, Bonobo society is extremely peacable and there's an equal distribution of resources. There's a great article about it here. Maybe there's something in that. The article also talks about some pretty interesting things, if not for what im talking about here, just read it because its interesting.

 When I read the Da Vinci code, despite all its shortcomings, I was completely jazzed (Kenyan-speak for blown away) by the concept of worship of the feminine. I was intrigued, hmmm......the female as divine, how cool is that? It made me feel really good about myself.

 

When fear acts as a motivator, the dumbest most irrational things are done. Take clitoridectomy, for example. What the heck is that about? You would think that anything that enhances sex would be a good thing!

 

I'm still thinking about what all this means, i was pretty mad about the state of things, i had to vent someplace.

 

However, with the Njoki Bill becoming an Act, there is hope, at least.

Its official, blondes are mutants!  OK, maybe thats taking it a bit too far, but it did proove that  (pardon my very sketchy biology) through selective breeding blue-eyed blonde females came to be. Apparently, during the times of the early man, most men and women had dark hair and eyes, blondes being a genetic rarity. However, to both males and females, blonde and blue-eyed individuals seemed infinitely more attractive (im guessing because they were so rare and its biologically wired into us that if its rare, it must be really good hence viable offspring, bla bla bla). Anyway, so blondes were singled out and they increased in number and voila!

So, based on that, what we feel as human beings is pretty trivial. I mean, if  genetics can conspire to change the genetic traits of a population, what else can it change?

There's a blog my friend DarkAngel wrote about how weird it is that when youre single, and an ex comes from your past and wants to be with you, depsite all the things that went wrong, you would forgive them and take them back, but if youre with someone, you can afford to tell them to go fly a kite.

Cant that be explained by biology? That the innate urge to reproduce is what makes us do the dumb stuff that we do? Like hang on to relationships that arent working, why that woman who has a husband who smacks us about decides to stay with him even though she knows he'll kill her one day. Mainly, i think its problem more with women than with men.

Therefore, this purely informational blog ends with a light at the end of the tunnel to all the sistas out there. if you dont know why you do what you do, blame it on biology. Sounds much better than blaming it on our fickle feelings.

Have a great weekend!

PS- Kinky, i apologize if in my blind fumblings ive said something incorrect about genetics and what not.

DA-if i could link to your blog, i would, but i think folks will be able to find your blog if they  click on your profile, youre on my profile page.

Helen- Youve been way too silent.