I Stand Out Like a Fat Guy in a Clothing Store

The other day
I was in a place
Where I didn't really fit in
But I tried hard anyway.
My efforts were rewarded
With awkward stares and glances
But all I really wanted
Was to fit into these pants(es)

'Cause I'm a
Fat guy in a clothing store
(Wah Ooooh)
Fat guy in a clothing store
(Wah Ooooh)

Drops in the Bucket

The clocks that we set
Are to our own sound
Convince myself of something
That we will never be found

We will do what we can
To be all we can be
But for now I'm going to
Sit back and watch TV

It's not my turn,
So go away,
It's not my turn...

This was our generation
Set out to fix the world
But it's always been broken
Who's gonna save this world?

We will try as we might
We like to keep it green
We're just drops in the bucket
Whatever that means

This is our turn
So keep it going
This is our turn

I will say this right now
Every last bit counts
You may have reservations
Please try to work them out

We are not what we say
But what we do
How will you be remembered?
Just try to think things through

This is our turn
So keep it going
This is our turn

We will try as we might
We like to keep it green
We're just drops in the bucket
Whatever that means.

is it possible for one to be both under and overwhelmed by the same set of things?  i think about all i have to be doing (school, work, tattoos, music, WoW, fighting, dead car fixing, shows, debt consolidation, etc.) and i'm kind of taken by force into this world of stresses.  i then think about the same things and i'm unimpressed and barely excited about the end result of the seemingly boring path that lies ahead of me.  i am both unimpressed and terribly eager at the same thing...

i'm confused.  i'm playing the games that people play in order to convince themselves and those around them that "everything is ok".  i'm not saying things are terrible, i'm just saying that i wish i was more excited about my life.  i miss the feeling of being someone made of potential, elbow grease, and the underdog charisma.  i feel as if i've peaked in my "chosen one" feeling and the world has noticed as well...  the decline is a slow form of sadness.  i'm not depressed and i don't want to die.  i'm just stressed out and bored. 

i don't think this will ever change about me.  i feel like i've had this feeling all my conscious life.  as if my whole life has been commited to the idea that i'm not the chosen one and my life won't affect much of anything.  this is not downer talk, this is just truth.  we control our own lives and that's that.  it doesn't matter if you fail or succeed because there is no end game reward.  we all endup the same way and we all take our whole lives to figure this out.

i'm tired of being concsious of this idea.  i'm tired of feeling like i am not working towards some magnificent glorious reward. i need an epic mount to work toward, i need a holy grail.  i want to gain the level to get me my final limit break.  WHAT THE HELL IS IT?! 

ps:  the bible as a strategy guide is cracked.

So the government is taking far too much of my money to live like a human being and this has forced me to start making real money.  I am ready to start doing tattoo work and I'll post some of the work I've done as it comes.  So if you want some work done let me know.  Colors, lettering, traditional, you name it.

If you are interested, send me an image of what you want with size specifications and any other notes you have on it.  Let's get some work done!

give me a call or send me a message and i'll get back to you about it.

when i gave up tattooing, i didn't think i would come back to it.  after a long time of thinking about my life and how shitty things are financially, i began searching my talents for a way to fix this mess...  the idea of doing tattoos again came up when i got my last one and since then i couldn't get it off of my mind.

i gave up tattooing when Splat died.  he was the one that kept me going.  he wouldn't let me give up on my dream no matter how far out of reach it seemed.  i suppose when he died, a part of me died too.  it's wierd to admit that now, but it's true.  anyone who knew us back then, knew that i worked on him more than a few times.  without my buddy, the art lacked heart.

instead of being somber and mourning the death of my friend, i should keep on going and honor him by keeping it alive.  it took a fuck load of shitty things to get me to find the person i once was.  so, i'm going to pursue it again...  thanks buddy...

ps:  thanks to Phil (new member of Death Before Dishonor) for the inspirational ink and words.

even after the world loses a great person, a person of immeasurable value, people still get parking tickets.  when your insides have sunk into themselves at the thought of never getting to see this person as they were or never getting to let them know how you feel about them everyday that they are gone, people still get angry because they came late to a movie and have to settle for another showtime.

why is it that when my world needs to stop for long enough for me to catch my breathe, it seems the world around me just moves faster than it was before?  i just want to be able to look at things the way a healthy mind would.  i just want to be able to sit back and reflect, but no, not for me.  i still come into work because i can't afford the time off...  i can't mourn like everyone else.  i have to mourn when i can, even though memories and thoughts flood my mind and sometimes my eyes at the most random times.

losing people has never been easy.  in my life i've lost several good people and i imagine i'll continue on this trend.  you'd think that every time would be easier and easier to deal with.  that repetition would lead me closer to finding that clue or that notion where i could share my newly found wisdom, but no...  the pain is still the same.  the loss is still hard.  i've since only learned how to "shut off and go". 

my bills won't pay themselves, my life won't sustain itself and give me a break.  even now as i type this i am having to solve problems at work that don't fucking matter to me.  it's becoming harder and harder to care about the little things that my job title requires me to care for.  so what if the freezer is not working properly?  so what if you need medium popcorn bags?  i'm still coping with the image of the woman who raised me dying in a hospital bed...  then breathing her last breathe...  hearing the cries and the pleas from other family members...  who gives a shit if they need more fives in concessions?!

i have lost several people, but i have never watched the life slip away in front of my eyes.  everything she was to me, to all of us, just going.  each struggling breathe, each forced blink, no words can describe how it felt...  i'm just glad that she's done fighting.  she's at peace.  we love her and will always honor her.  i felt her hand go cold...  even felt it starting to go stiff...  i thought i was going to break down, but i didn't.  i felt her head- still a little warm, but it went cold after a few minutes.  i explained to her what i felt for her... 

i shared some words with her i wish i could have said while she was alive...  i couldn't say these things while she was fighting for her life strapped down to a hospital bed.  i couldn't make my pain a part of her struggle.  even though she was gone by the time i got to tell her these things, i'm glad i said them to her. 

here's what i said to her:
"...you beat this for longer than anyone expected.  even though this was a fight no one thought you were going to win, you showed us all that it was a fight worth having and you stuck it out.  i remember when things were at their toughest for me, i gave up.  i caved in and tried to die.  i feel like an idiot because i let them break me.  you were here for the better part of a week proving that not even the mortal coil was going to take you without a fight.  you are and always have been the one constant pillar of strength in my life.  family was all that mattered to you.  keeping us together, keeping us from killing each other and from killing ourselves.  we were all too self righteous to let your influence act itself out.  i don't regret seeing you like this...  i don't regret seeing you like this for one main reason:  where most people would see a person weak and dying, i saw you, our strength, fighting and fighting with every last part of you.  all that you have done for us, to bring us here, to build our foundation, i'll do my best to honor this by not giving up.  by fighting no matter how hard they try to break me.  i am your grandson and i plan to live like it."  i kissed her on the head and walked away.

of course, there were a lot of pauses for manly tears and the like, but the initial message was this:  i won't let her life and all she's done for us, die with her.  i will live my life and try to always come out on top because that's the grandson she raised. 

i will always love you...  and now people who read my blog will know that too.

we go through our days completely out of the loop with the parodies that we do of ourselves.  taking things so seriously to the point where we complain about it, and it kills us more and more. 

"oh, but there's a lot i have to complain about and you're just being an asshole!"  yes, well that said, you NEED to be made fun of.  we all go through things and we're all allowed to feel it and respond to it.  sure...  to a point.  when it's all you are and you CAN'T laugh at yourself, then you're ignoring the ride and we, your peers, as the proverbial mirrors of consciousness HAVE TO show you what you look like. 

throughout history, people have been experiencing hardships, resolving conflicts, getting overwhelmed- fact.  otherwise, history would be really fucking boring and no lessons would be learned.  do you think that all the great personalities of our times subscribed to the path of constant "why me"?  fuck no.  we all do it because it's human nature, but if you make it conscious, then you've got the oppurtunity to refine that. 

now, what makes a person great?  the kind of person we can look up to and think "that's what i wish i could be"?  for me it's the person that goes through all of these things and watches the entire world as it truly is, all the while learning more and more about themselves enough to never forget that we are all in this together.  having a laugh at your own mistakes and flaws while not getting swept up in the images of what the self should be compared to the rest of the world.  accepting your bullshit attitudes and moving the fuck on (i'm elegant).

we are all on this world together, fucking lighten up.  the right, the left, Miley Cyrus- fucking lighten up.  if you can't laugh at yourself at this point, you're drowning in whatever shit storm of a belief system you've created for yourself.

 

Jo:  i was thinking about buying the egg dying stuff so the kids can dye eggs and make baskets, but i doubt any of the parents will be up for that. i know kuya ian and mitch would rather have their kids watch a pit bull fight than color stupid eggs and participate in Easter egg hunts.

 

Me:  the egg thing would be a great idea if the kids haven’t been conditioned into thinking that they’ve got to be bad to get positive attention from their parents.  so maybe with a not so hopeless group of individuals, this would work.

 

Jo:  i was all excited and brought the egg thing up to jacob, he was excited about it too... but i have a feeling he’d skip the dye all together, like he did last year and just reach for a sharpie and jazz up his eggs kiss style again. but since he’s straying away from his rock and roll roots i’m scared to think of what the hell he’d draw on his eggs.

 

i have no idea what t-pain looks like, or if it’s a group or one guy. i think it’d be pretty interesting to see jacob try and draw ice cube on an easter egg though.

 

Me:  NWA in Easter Egg form!  ...like jesus would have wanted...

 

Jo:  last year was kiss, this year is probably going to be NWA or the beasties... i wonder who he has lined up for next year’s eggs...  i think i might just buy the gay glitter food coloring set just incase any of the kids want to do it. which i highly doubt.

 

Me:  should i make a doll of zombie jesus?  seeing to how chigginz forget that easter is about the resurrection of JC-  what?  people think he’s coming back "pleased as punch"?  FUCK NO!  he’s going to be pissed and out for brains.

Jo:  awesome! i hope he comes back robert rodriguez style! i’ll just stick to food coloring and glitter... even though it has absolutely nothing to do with anything. where the hell did this rabbit/colored eggs/marshmellow ducks covered in pink sugar business come from?!

 

Me:  i think it’s a chapter in the bible...  right next to how Jesus’ accidental belated birthday party was such a hit, they start just celebrating it then.  even started calling it "Christ Mass" as it was the first massive rave in history.  he had the first known "guest list" in history too.  bet you didn’t know that.

 

john the baptist was like "Ooooooo girl, you are not getting in here dressed like that.  i’ll let you know when sand is back in style.  oooookay, next!"

 

it got ugly...  that’s why Jesus had to flee the party scene.  things just got too real.

 

Jo:  keepin it too real. this whole time i thought the last supper was the first guest list/vip table ever documented. i was like oh snap son! they got bottle service up in there too, they had it straight crackin.

 

jesus never left the party scene! you need to watch TMZ they just recently spotted him out with Lindsay Lohan at the Ivy. besides we all know he comes back every year for mardi gras.

 

 

Me:  under his alias Hiratio De La Cruz.  he always like the latin flavor for some reason.  i mean, check that goatee and Mary Magz...  she’s a totally pre-historic latina.

 

"oh Jesus, you hella stupih’.  why you so stupih?"

 

an octopus lead a bear
and went down to the lake
she said to him "you are like
a pill that i could take"

"to take away the pain i have
in my well protected brain-
a pill to make sense of things
before i go insane"
before she goes insane

maybe i was stupid
maybe i was blind
but i've got a feeling
things will turn out fine

the bear looked up and said to her
"there are things you oughta know.
the hell i've seen might change your mind
but i guess that goes to show."

so he gave to her all he had
in his great big heart.
she took him in all her arms
and a new life they would start
yes a new life they would start

maybe i was stupid
maybe i was blind
but i've got a feeling
things will turn out fine

if Arizona could be colder
it would make for a better trip
but i'll drive through the summer sun
it makes no difference

i'll make my way through the cities
of the south-west United States
i'll leave behind this life of mine
and change at alarming rates
yes change at alarming rates

maybe i was stupid
maybe i was blind
but i've got a feeling
that things will turn out fine