I find it kind of strange to be feeling so depressed at this time of age. No wait...I think it's normal for any 18 year old to be feeling like this? Is crying for the most random reasons (or suddenly being extremely sensitive than usual) normal? Miki says it's because I'm too stressed. It could be I think. I don't like crying in front of other people-heck I don't like crying in general.

I couldn't even talk to my dad about he-who-shall-not-be-named when he first came to our staff thinking he was the shit. My dad told me I was wrong and bosses were supposed to be like that. Calling me stupid about signing anything, etc. etc. My dad and aunt practically cornered me in public and lectured the hell out of me not only for that but for everything else in general. Keeping my grades up, not slacking off, being a good role model for my sister, how I shouldn't compare myself to my sister, how I should be more responsible, how I'm still so young I don't understand, whatever my elders say is right, and it goes on. Normally I'd argue back but nowadays as I get older, I don't do anything about it, but then again, it's not fun to start a scene in a public area o___ollll

I think everyone goes through that sort of phase on trying to find themselves (and how they should act around other people). I think me being paranoid has gotten a tad bit out of hand o.O; I'm worried about too many things @_@; I'm always worrying about other people, and how I'm probably gonna get shot randomly while I'm walking down the street by myself o.o; Even when I'm crossing the street, I think someone's foot is gonna slip from the brake and hit the gas petal and run me over O___O;. Sometimes I think I'm gonna get randomly kidnapped by some older pervert at any moment >_>; I'm always worrying about something bad happening to my parents so I'm always on the look out (and having them call me sometimes to see if they've made it somewhere safely). I'm constantly worrying about how I should act around others as well =.=lll. Sometimes I wonder if I was too mean, or sometimes I wonder if I had been too nice (which causes other people to use me as a stepping stone or a doormat). So if someone were to be angry at me, I'd most likely take it very seriously and think about it all day ;(  I hate it when I suspect someone of not liking me for whatever strange reason. I'm a wimp and I know it ><; I like to be liked by all D: (that's not a bad thing is it?) I find it extremely hard to open up to people now. Once they see your true self, they either don't like you anymore or they like you even more. So I think it's really risky for me to truly be myself in front of some people. I think the only two people I could really open up to is Miki and Cassandra. They've seen how retarded I am and I still can't believe they still put up with me. It makes me feel happy in a way ..^___^/

I'm kind of trying to blog about all these things that are swirling in my mind right now o.o; So it's not like anyone reads this - I just need somewhere to let out what I'm feeling I guess. I'd probably go crazy if I kept all of these crap feelings inside o_o. [I'm not emo by the way ;( ]

I have this creepy strange feeling of being scared that I'm gonna end up dying pathetically alone >_>; But then thinking on the bright side, I get to take care of my parents. My dad says that my sister and I are going to have our own families and such but I don't think so (on my part). I think my sister is going to have a nice family, and I on the other hand, will be visiting my mom at her house and my dad at his. At least they won't have to worry about being by themselves at home. (They don't live together, so it's going to be harder for me to go back and forth o.o) My dad asked me "what's gonna happen" to me, but then I told him not to worry about it. XD

Actually thinking about that makes me feel a little better o_o; I mean, I do like to be taken care of, but I remember my mom telling me that nobody will care about you but yourself. And I think she's right O_O; (as cruel as that sounds =_=lll I know she loves me though :3)

Man I'm soo weird XD; !!! <-- *trying to look on the bright side of things**

mmkay.. i just started My Space! XD! hmm kinda familiar to the xangas haha okies dis is mai first blog. nd imma tryin to get into teh hang of dis =P well today went x-mas shopping fo my buddies =] yeah alotta walking.. very tired rofl nd yeah basically i am so tired from walking. but hey! it's good exercise since i ain't gonna beh swimming for two days. can't wait till workouts start again man >.< i can't stand it when i don't swim. juss sittin here piggin out nd getting fat. haha aites imma go now. don wanna sleep cause.. don't feel like it!XD! so imma bounce. latez