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False Prophet

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

You'd be better off having your dog breathe on it...

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Wow, imagine if there was that much pressure provided by a mans testicles... You blow your wife head off!

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

Now, I wouldn't mind being called a pig for that, if fact I hope I come back as one!!!

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!

OMG, I'll stick with coming back as a Pig...

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

I wonder what the headboard does for her?

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

"Honey, I'm home. What the....?!" That would really be the time for the high pressured testicles if there ever was one...

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

30 minutes. lucky pig! Can you imagine?

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Seems ashamed that it's wasted on pond scum, huh...

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Nah, I still wanna be a PIG!!...quality over quantity...

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Yeah? and Dog taste their nuts.... Yuk!

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

I'm thinkin that is a good thing, you?

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

I wonder how much of my tax dollars paid for that interesting study?

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Hell, I was married to someone with the same problem...

Starfish have no brains.

Same chick!!!

Polar bears are left-handed.

If they switch, they'll live a lot longer...

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

WHAT ABOUT THE PIG!!!

Dodge City showdown at funeral

By Ed Lavandera
CNN

A woman holds signs and shouts while protesting near the funeral of Army Sgt. Jesse Davila.

 

DODGE CITY, Kansas (CNN) -- This past Saturday morning I found myself in a five-car caravan cutting across the Kansas plains with about 30 religious protesters. In the back of a truck, there were signs that read "Thank God for IED's" and "Thank God for Dead Soldiers."

I was with the Phelps family. They've launched a disturbing campaign to tarnish the funerals of fallen soldiers.

This is a painful drama playing out at dozens of military funerals across the country. The group is led by Fred Phelps.

He and his family have picketed and heckled military families at more than 100 funerals since June. They say the soldiers are fighting for an army that represents a country that accepts homosexuality. (Watch how protesters targeted the funeral of a soldier killed in Iraq -- 7:08)

I have spent a great deal of time in the last few weeks tracking the movements of Fred Phelps and his family. Saturday, I followed him and his family from their home in Topeka, Kansas, to a funeral in Dodge City, Kansas.

Fred Phelps is the pastor of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka. The congregation is made up mostly of his family. Phelps has 13 children, 54 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren.

He describes himself as an "old-time" gospel preacher who says, "You can't preach the Bible without preaching the hatred of God."

Phelps and his family have made a name for themselves by showing up at high-profile events preaching their hate-filled brand of Christianity. They blame homosexuals for the destruction of America.

This past weekend's target was Army Sgt. Jessie Davila.

Davila was killed February 20 in Iraq by a suicide bomber. He served as a Marine after graduating from high school. He returned to civilian life, and had a daughter. But he was always a soldier at heart, so two years ago he joined the Army National Guard and was three months into an Iraqi deployment when he was killed.

This is also very much a story about another phenomenon the Phelps protest has created. That's the birth of a group called the "Patriot Guard Riders." They're a volunteer group that came together after hearing that so many military families were being blindsided by the protesters. (Watch bikers ride to protect a funeral -- 2:11)

More than 400 motorcycles thundered toward this showdown in Dodge City this weekend to make sure Sgt. Jessie Davila's funeral was not overshadowed by the Phelps protest. They converged from small towns all over southwest Kansas to support Sgt. Davila's family. One group leader says, "I knew we would have a crowd, but I didn't know it would be this big."

The procession of rolling thunder escorted Davila's family from memorial services to the grave site on a quiet hill.

In the end, Sgt. Davila's family says they were only able to hear a little bit of the Phelps protest. Davila's mother, Linda Claus, says she's grateful for the Patriot Guard Riders. But she also wants other military families to be aware that this could happen to them.

"When people begin to know what they're (Fred Phelps' family) really doing -- killing the American Dream -- they won't be around very long, because nobody's going to let them. They'll drown them out. They'll be gone," Claus said.

Since CNN started airing reports on these funeral confrontations a few weeks ago, the Patriot Guard Riders say its membership has almost tripled. And more than a dozen states are now considering legislation that would restrict protesting at funerals.

The Phelps family vows to continue these protests. They might be outnumbered, but the way the Patriot Guard Riders see it, it only takes one of them to dishonor the memory of a fallen soldier.

              

I cannot express how much these idiots anger me or the pleasure I would get by knocking the HOLIER THAN THOU CRAP outta them! If it was not for the bravery of the young men and women in our military, like the ones these empty holes berate and dishonor...  These ingrates would not have the freedom to protest anything nor the protection from those of us they offend with their despicable behavior...

 

Bubba

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
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[_] Billy-Joe   [_] Bobby-Jo
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[_] Billy-Mae   [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack  [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer        [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser  [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed   [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name:  __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:  __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name:  __________________________
Lover's Name:      __________________________
2nd Lover's Name:     __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister   [_] Aunt
[_] Brother  [_] Uncle
[_] Mother   [_] Son
[_] Father   [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin   [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed:      ___
Number of children that are yours:      ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade     [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck         ____ kitchen
____ bedroom       ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed          ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer    [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide                 [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun        [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow  [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown   [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man                  [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know