Yeah so I went to this fucking "march" over in The City today because it's kind of annoying how there's all these people getting killed for no reason in Iraq. But fuck, man. First of all. You fucking idiots. It's a fucking march against the motherfucking IRAQ WAR, okay? It's not a march for a fucking Free Palestine, it's not a march to free whatever political prisoners it's trendy to want to free right now, it's not a march to free fucking Mumia (and he shot that cop, by the way), it's not a march to legalize weed, it's not a march to give the Native Americans back their land, it's a fucking march against the fucking war! God damn it can you focus? The reason we never get anything done is we have too many goddamn causes at once. The Republicans, say what you want about them, have their shit together. They're united to kill people and spread Christianity and make all the money they can before Jesus comes back. We don't even know who the fuck we are. Liberals? Progressives? Socialists? Communists? Fucking Wiccans? Seriously we can't be all those fucking names. We have to unite. I mean, I feel like I'm in fucking high school again, all these fucking cliques.

"When someone hands me a flyer, they're basically saying 'Hey! You throw this away." - Mitch Hedberg

And stop handing me shit! I'm not going to your nine hour socialist activist training seminar in Oakland. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not giving you money for a 3 disc set of some insulated professor fucker talking about how 9/11 was a conspiracy by the U.S. government. That is such bullshit, by the way. Bush has fucked up everything sooo fucking badly since he took office it's unbelievable, which is why I have a hard time buying this shit that he organized a coordinated terrorist attack on U.S. soil without being caught. Seriously, the CIA, the FBI, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. Chill the fuck out.

"I know how we'll stop the war! We'll knit the worlds smallest pair of hemp pants, and put 'em on a mouse, and hide the mouse in a cupboard! But which cupboard is he in?! People'll be so busy trying to figure that out they won't have time to go to war!" - Patton Oswalt

Oh, and don't take off your clothes. I shouldn't even have to say this. But this lady, I'd say mid-40s, I'd say homeless, I'd say about 12 hits of acid, fucking started dancing at the rally thing after the march in front of the civic center, then got all naked. Like all naked. And then she would like stand in front of people and stare at them until they ignored her long enough for her to walk away. Look, I'm all for women getting naked in public for no reason, but not when they're like, ugly, and old. Seriously, this shit isn't Woodstock. There's fucking little kids here. Come the fuck on.

Basically, what I'm saying is, I don't know if we can do this, but it would nice if the anti-war movement could avoid being completely choked with fucking freaks. Because there's people who might be thinking about coming over to our side, then they see a bunch of tie dyed KFOG listening fuckers carrying puppets and trying to get people to chant these ridiculously cliched chants (oh, but this was cool, I saw this homeless chick with a cardboard sign that was like "What do we want? Change! How do we want it? Preferably in small bills!") and they'll be like "Fuck. This war seems bad, but everyone on the other side are a bunch of god damn fuckin hippies. I guess I'll keep voting Republican" then everybody dies. It's the same with the gay pride parade. People are just starting to accept homosexuality, then they see a bunch of dudes in leather g-strings and boas and shit and they think "Damn, if they're all a bunch of fucking freaks like this, maybe we should ban gay marriage" or whatever. Anyway, peace, love, fuck war, but also fuck slam poetry that rhymes anything with "Halliburton" and interpretitive stilt dancing.

Name

Nick

Age

20

Occupation

Freelance Philosopher/Poet, Singer/Songwriter

Favorite State

Northern California

Least Favorite State

Southern California

Least Favorite River

Hood River

Second-Favorite Band

Neutral Milk Hotel

Nom de Plume

Thurston K. Burnwash

Porn Name

Langston Huge

Social Security Number

Are you serious?

Favorite Lemon-Lime Soft Drink

Sierra Mist

Favorite Word

Juxtaposition

Least Favorite Word

Spiritual

Least Favorite Sentence

"I'm a very spiritual person."

Favorite Food

Sandwiches

Least Favorite Food

Cheese

How Many Keys Do You Have?

5, plus my car alarm thing

Number of songs on iPod?

Hella

Currently listening to..

"100 Degrees" by Kyuss

For or Against:

Iraq War

Against

Religion

Against

Premarital Sex

For

Smoking

For (fuck you Belmont City Council)

Drinking

For

Gay Marriage

Apathetic

Magic

?... Against, I guess

Rain

For

George W. Bush

Against

Sports

Against

MySpace Quiz Things

Conflicted

This is a play about sandwiches I wrote for my playwriting class.

So I got a job working for a place with the stupidest fucking name ever. Hoot Judkins. What the fuck? That sounds like the name of a cartoon hobo rapist from the late 1930s. But basically I have to take pictures of pieces of furniture then put them on their website, which pretty much means I'm going to be spending the majority of my life from now on fixing the glare on oak cabinets. But fucking Office Depot and Longs won't hire me, so it's not really like I have a lot of options.

Okay, two dozen or so of you who stalk my blog every week, I hope some of you are in my Craft of Playwriting class, because I want to anonymously slander a bunch of you. First off, dude acting out the part of Dr. Astrov? You're not, like, performing at a theater or for a group of people who are interested in the play, you're reading a part that she's making us read for some reason for a room full of overcaffienated, mentally exhausted creative writing students who just want to go home and drink heavily. You don't have to fucking pantomime unrolling your documents and shit, we get it. Documents. 

And old lady? You're hella old. Stop writing plays where alter-egoes of yourself talk about their vaginas. We already had this conversation when we were in Elements of Creative Writing together last summer. You're old, okay? It's fucking weird.

And this goes for all of you. Stop setting plays in your fucking apartment?

INT. APARTMENT - EVENING

An apartment in the Outer Mission. A C.W. MAJOR, 22, sits at his computer trying to come up with a setting for his one act play due tomorrow. He finishes off another PBR and decides to just set it in his apartment because he's a boring lazy uncreative piece of shit.

I mean, come on. Mine had bears in it and I wasn't even trying.

And finally, teacher lady, I don't remember your name because I don't remember the names of literally any teachers or professors I've had at this school, but just.. I fucking hate you. I'm sorry. I mean, I got past you oversimplifying everything and acting like "polar opposite" is a fucking synonym of "opposite," but at the end of class when you said that you were going to show us the Lawrence Olivier version of Uncle Vanya next week and that you're going to "bring some organic popcorn, and anyone else can bring in some organic.. treats." First of all, you can't use "organic" and "treats" in the same sentence. Second, fuck anybody who acts superior to people who eat regular food because they went to a fucking special grocery store. I'm not talking about like chemically altered chicken from those chickens in the cages who's feet never even touch the ground their whole lives, but fucking let me eat some French Onion Sun Chips without telling me that the eponymous french onion is made from scrapings from processed cow parts. I don't fucking care, and that totally sounds made up. I'm fucking hungry, and I'm not trying to eat a fucking Ranch-flavoured rice cake. Fuck a rice cake, first of all. They take one of the best things in the world, cake, add "rice" to it, and fuck it all up. But yeah. Fuck you, teacher lady, for acting pretentious about your organic popcorn. You want me to bring in some "organic treats" to class next week? Okay, sure. How about I bring in a carton of American Spirits for everybody? Fuckers.

good things

the rain it's raining now and it's probably going to be raining until late july. it's bad when you have to go somewhere or do something, but when you're inside and warm and there's a girl there or a cat there and something to drink, then it's cool.
apollo i'm taking this mythology class, and i think apollo's probably my favorite of the greek gods. he's just hella relatable, he's not like zeus or poseidon, who are always causing earthquakes and blowing shit up and fucking pretty much whoever they want. apollo's always fucking up, like there's this girl, and he tries to impress her by showing off his hardcore bow and arrow skills, but then this human shows up who's just as good an archer, and the girl ends up going with the human, and he's hella mad, and seriously. and who hasn't been there? fucking humans. and their archery skills.
the song "echos myron" by guided by voices it not only has the line "an academy of eyes," but it's a really fucking good song. it's like the beatles if they weren't pretentious asshole stoners.
writing lists of your 100 favorite words i did this for my poetry class. it's a good exercise. you learn a lot about yourself.
the colbert report everybody(including me)'s already said everything there is to say about this show. but it just keeps getting better. every time colbert's fictional universe expands and the depth deepens, you just feel like, "shit. there's nothing else like this on TV." seriously, who else has pretended to have self-published a telephone book sized sci-fi novel (Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure), then got someone to produce an actual animated series based on the novel? who else has had robert schneider from apples in stereo, chris funk from the decemberists, the governor of new york, peter frampton, dude from cheap trick, and motherfucking henry kissinger on their show, not to mention on a single episode? fuck.
people not trippin' just like when there's a situation where someone could trip hella hard about something, and they don't because they're cool. i really appreciate that.
the areas of my expertise by john hodgman and love is a mixtape by rob sheffield are the two best books i've read recently. areas of my expertise is by john hodgman, who, if you watch the daily show, is the non-british guy with glasses who shows up about once a week to talk about something and makes up a bunch of random surreal facts. if you watch any TV, he's the PC on those Mac vs. PC apple commercials. but anyway, this book's an almanac of all these made-up facts about things like american history and utopian societies and lobsters and hoboes. the hobo part is fucking incredible, it has a list of 700 hobo names for people to use if they need to pose as a hobo. i can't even really explain how incredible an experience this book is, you need to read it yourself. and love is a mixtape is this memoir by this rolling stone writer about meeting this girl and marrying her and then she dies and in between then they listen to lots of pavement and yo la tengo. the love stuff kind of annoyed me, like love usually does, but the music shit was insightful as fuck. dude has a lot to say about indie rock, and like 90s culture in general. he talks about the 90s like some hippie talking about the 60s, but it's cool because the bands he's talking about are hella good.
..and you will know us by the trail of dead a lot of people fucking hate this band. but they will always preface their hatred by saying they liked their first album, to amplify their pretentious indie douchebaggery. their first album was fucking boring, save for the last song and a couple other ones. but their last two were fucking great. they've created this world where giant crazy 70s and 80s epic prog and metal exist in the same universe as lo-fi indie bands from the early 90s. "the rest will follow" turns from built to spill to queen so fast you don't even notice. "so divided" somehow combines zeppelin with sonic youth, using the stone temple pilots as the glue that holds them together. "naked sun" is pavement for heroin addict bikers. and i don't think a myspace blog has enough space for me to completely explain their pink floyd-ish piano-heavy cover of guided by voices' "goldheart mountaintop queen directory." people say it misses the point. people are fucking stupid. guided by voices' last few albums sucked because the high production values took away the mystique of their fuzzy lo-fi early albums. but this cover sounds just as shiny as those albums, but it's as good if not better than the original. so either the songwriting got shitty on the last albums and the early songs would sound good no matter what, or trail of dead are fucking geniuses. i think it's a little bit of both.
people pulling out of really good parking spaces right when you get there when you're late to class seriously, right as you get into the lower level of the parking garage, dude pulls out. this was wednesday at like 11 am. i usually have to park at the very bottom of 1 on wednesdays at 11.
sweaters i seriously just started wearing these, and i have no idea why i didn't start like years ago. they're hella comfortable, and they make me look vaguely irish. like for real irish, like from ireland. i haven't even ever been to ireland, but i can just wear a sweater and be all good.

bad things

dudes with umbrellas you fucking bitches it's fucking water! are you kidding me? i see these fucking albino blunt-smoker dudes with their black people clothes and buzz cuts, trying to look all hard and shit, walking around with these little dainty umbrellas protecting them lest a drop of water touch their precious fucking heads. are you fucking kidding me? (note: girls, you can keep having umbrellas. it's cute when you have them. it's a double standard, i know, but.. whatever. if it bothers you, write a myspace bulletin with bad punctuation. that's how people complain about double standards these days.)
the fist-brush method of getting somebody's attention where you brush your fist against their arm, like in class when you can't say someone's name and have to pass something to them. especially if you don't know the person, please don't fist brush them immediately. start whispering their name or "hey" if you don't know it. if that doesn't work, a quick, soft poke works. it gets their attention 99% of the time, and it doesn't make the person who's attention is being got think you're trying to kidnap them, transport them in a rusted-out freighter to a lawless oceanic port city, and sell them into a lifetime of sexual slavery.
the term "white trash" first of all, it's totally racist. not in the bullshit non-white-people-being-racist-against-white-people way, but in the regular white-people-being-racist-against-everybody-else way. because it plays to the assumption that if someone is a piece of human trash, then they aren't white, so a separate category had to be created for white people who are also disgusting inbred pieces of shit. i mean, can't we just call them meth addict goateed general contractors with oakland raiders baseball caps? it takes a little bit longer to say, but it's hella more accurate.
weed i'm sorry. i know hella people who smoke a lot of this, and i used to smoke a fucking lot of this. (and contrary to popular belief, the reason i don't anymore doesn't have anything to do with probation anymore. i'm off drug testing, and i'm still not trying to burn.) just, seriously, try to look at yourself when you're high. it's not making you smarter, more creative, more peaceful, more anything. it just makes you more fucking annoying. like i'm seriously so fucking exhausted of these girls where i'll meet them, i'll talk to them for a couple hours, i'll start to like them and everything, then they go to smoke a bowl, and suddenly it's just paranoid stares and silence and random giggles for the rest of the fucking night. and these guys i've known for hella long have smoked so much that it's completely demolished their sex drive. now they have this derogatory term "perving" that they use to describe anyone who's trying to have sex with anyone else. like "look at washburn perving on that girl over there." and all i've even been doing is sitting next to that girl talking to her about stuff, and it's like 2 in the morning and she's decided to lay down on my shoulder. which, i guess, is perverse. i didn't realize that, but, what the hell do i know? i don't smoke a quarter a day. and also let me just say, i'm 20 years old, i'm single, and i drink a lot. sometimes i like to have sex. and i don't think i'm a pervert. at least not for that reason.
football is just hella stupid. and they won't stop fucking showing it. i thought like two weekends ago they had that super bowl thing and that was all the football they were going to play for a while. but then i went to the gym yesterday and they were showing a fucking football game on the TV there. it barely even involves feet, you fucking assholes! i mean soccer's hella stupid too, but at least calling that shit football makes a degree of sense. i mean, that's nice that middle america has found a way to repress their collective homosexuality by drinking shitty beer and watching dudes in really tight pants pile on top of one another, but i'm fucking tired of seeing it, i'm tired of hearing about it, i'm tired of people assuming just because i'm a guy i saw the game and have opinions about it and want to talk about it. i don't just assume random guys have heard the new trail of dead album and then insinuate that they're gay because they haven't.
being "goth" or "punk" or any subculture that requires you to wear a costume past the age of 18 you look fucking ridiculous. i like music too, but i'm not going to fucking violently alter my appearance to declare my allegiance to some band. goth and punk can look good on girls, that's why it pains me to declare this thing a "bad thing," but it needs to fucking stop. naked looks good on girls too, but i can't say that they should do that in public. because then weird people will think it's cool for them to not wear clothes. and as you can imagine, that would be horrible. just as horrible as seeing a pale 35 year old guy wearing eye shadow and a black trenchcoat and bowler hat and carrying an umbrella when it's not even raining, or seeing a 52 year old woman walking down haight street with piercings and fucking liberty spikes. come on, people.
telling me i can't smoke wherever the fuck i want until i can tell people to stop talking on their cell phones, you can't tell me to stop smoking. that shit's just as annoying, and just as carcinogenic.
weird asian dudes with hella hot asian girlfriends how does this happen? i see this shit all the time. you don't see white warcraft nerds dating anything close to attractive white girls.
trying to look responsible when you're drunk you're just as fucking drunk as me. don't even try to tell me not to do something when 5 minutes ago you were yelling "Mexico!" at a bus.

I got this bullshit about racism as a bulletin posted by someone who I used to think of as being smart and rational. It's all about the "double standard" that minorities can talk shit about white people, but white people can't do the same thing. It fucking makes hella sense to me; we've subjugated, and in some cases, enslaved their people, I kind of think calling us names is an underreaction.

You call me "Cracker", "Honkey", "Whitey", "Gringo" and you think it's OK.

...But when I call you Kike, sand nigger, rag head ,Towelhead, WOP, Camel Jockey, Gook, nigger, slant eyes or Chink you call me a racist.

Yeah. Seriously, how could somebody who calls other people those things not be a fucking racist?

-You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

Anyway, whoever wrote this, you're a fucking idiot. Anyone who posts this is pretty stupid too.

I'm just going to say what happened here, with no commentary, because this needs no commentary. You might have already heard about this, but Boston officials arrested these two art student dudes who were hired by Cartoon Network to put up these battery-powered neon Ignignot and Err signs all over the city to advertise Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Because the crimefighting superheroes in the Boston police department thought they were bombs.

Until I saw this, the greatest image this event produced was this shot of these dead serious Boston city officials holding up this little neon sign of Ignignot flipping off the camera, talking about how it was a security risk.

But then I saw this. So the two guys got out, they're having another trial in March, but they were having a press conference, and these Fox News assholes were asking them like "Did you go too far," but they've decided they're just going to focus on hairstyles from the 70s.

Watch it here.

The funny part is they did this in like 15 other cities, like San Francisco and New York and shit, nobody tripped out, because they're fucking signs. Soooo fuckin stupid.

"I did know something I didn't."
- Ignignot

I saw this commercial this morning for not smoking weed, and it was this cartoon where this dude's sitting on a bench with his girlfriend smoking a blunt, and she's like "Not again," then this alien comes down in a flying saucer, and dude's like "Here, hit this," and the alien's like, "Naw, I'm cool off that," and then hearts appear over the girl and she goes off with the alien in his spaceship.

The message being: don't smoke weed, or aliens will fuck your girlfriend.

This shit's really getting ridiculous. First it was bad because you'd end up running over a little girl on a bike, then it was bad because you'd shoot your friend with your dad's gun, then it was bad because it supported terrorism (which always fucked with me - why is the sleepy-looking dude who grows it in his shitty apartment that you buy it from sending his profits to Hezbollah?), now it's bad because of aliens. Seriously, if you can't come up with a reason to control a substance that doesn't sound like someone came up with it when they were fucking ripped, maybe you shouldn't make said substance illegal.

I was walking down some stairs to the thing and then I heard behind me someone yell "CONNECT ME!!" and I jumped a little bit and turned around to see that some lady was yelling "CONNECT ME!!" into her phone. Apparently she had some shitty voice recognition thing going on there that wasn't connecting her so she had to keep yelling connect me. Which seems kind of stupid because you could just have it so you press a button on your phone and it'll connect you. Then you don't have to yell like a crazy person and scare people who are walking down stairs. It fuckin tripped me out, cause I thought for a second that I had to like connect her, and I didn't know what that meant

and I still have like a whole play to read by tomorrow and it's fuck it's fuckin past midnight are you kidding me? I need to smoke a stog, brush my teeth, and read this thing til I pass out. Cause my Craft of Playwriting class teacher says her class is "Like a union house, but without union dues" and I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean anything but I still have to read Oedipus Tyrannus all night and then wake up at fucking 9:30 so I can go to Mythology class and hear some effeminate squeaky voiced ac talk about Oedipus Tyrannus and then go to my Playwriting class and turn in the thing about Oedpius that I still have to write and then discuss it and that's kind of too much incest and eye-gouging for like one day. Seriously. I liked creative writing classes better when I was drunk in them all the time and there were people there who wanted to have sex with me. I mean it's only been a week, but it seems way to complicated. Like this one girl on the other side of the room was playing this fucking game of look at me, then smile cutely and look kind of embarassed, then look away, all through class today. I hate that kind of shit. I mean it's a 2 and a half hour class. Fucking stop it. Maybe if I was drunk it would be better, but probably not. I don't know. Maybe it would. Whatever. I've got shit to do

Two Names You Go By... other than your real one:
1. burnwash
2. h. thurston burnwashe

Two Parts of Your Heritage:
1. irish
2. german

Two things that scare you:
1. mollusks
2. spiders

Two of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. cigarettes
2. orange juice

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. shirt
2. pants

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. sex
2. a place i can live without paying any rent

Two Truths:
1. i don't know any
2. (see above)

Two Things You Want Really Badly:
1. new guitar
2. pie

Two Places You want to go on Vacation:
1. amsterdam
2. london

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. be a guest on a late night talk show
2. achieve immortality

Two Ways That You are Stereotyped:
1. i'm a creative writing major, so i'm a pretentious alcoholic. (part of this is true)
2. this one was more in high school, but the stereotype that because i'm hella weird and socially awkward, i'm going to go on a violent rampage and kill everybody.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. i'm kind of concentrating on writing stuff here
2. but i'm also thinking about making a sandwich

Two Stores You Shop At:
1. amoeba records
2. buffalo exchange

Two favorite web sites:
1. avclub.com
2. wikipedia

Two Favorite Sports:
1. beer pong
2. guitar hero multiplayer

Two things you did last night
1. bought cigarettes
2. went to sleep

Two shows you like to watch:
1. the office
2. daily show/colbert report

Two places you like to go to:
1. the forest
2. parts of san francisco where there's parking

Two Favorite Subjects In School:
1. creative writing
2. cinema

Two things you like about yourself (physical):
1. beard
2. eyebrows

Two things you ate today:
1. chips
2. sandwich

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. guitar shopping
2. sleeping