he makes me laugh and now i find myself getting girly for him

mad corney but hey

they always say one guy can change it.. whether friend, partner, or foe

For the first time in about 12 years i willingly went to recall my past. my memories. all those good and bad moments.

people don't know this but since i was a child i have this little box filled with all the things i told myself i would have to remember when enough time had passed.
today i didnt go to work, i finished all my chores and so i found the box when i was unpacking more boxes.

i completely forgot i had it to begin with. i brought it to my living room sat on the floor and slowly one by one i was peeling away parts of my past,
cracking the shell
unsealing the envelope.

piece by piece i found old pictures. baby pics of myself of my brother, my mom and grandmom when they were super young. ironicly my brother and i used to have green eyes as babies. i found an old ring that my cousin gave me when i was 4. when i still believed in miracles and in my dreams.

how stupid was i then?

i found a somewhat empty bottle of my favorite childhood nailpolish. i remember how i loved the case. i shared it with my friends over there, when i believed we would always be together. i found more pics, of my friends, of my summer home, of ice fishing. i found a picture of me in my ballet costume and in the box was my first pair of ballet slippers.

i found my first girl's first makeup kit. almost everything was gone and used. i found a pic of me and a friend close up with the cam in our faces smiling. our faces painted with thick amounts of makeup. i looked like a little child prostitute in that outfit. i remember when i used to be sooo innocent. when i didnt even know the difference between aids and athsma. when i didnt know what the middle finger meant, when i thought crap was a really bad curse word.

where had those days gone.

i found pictures of him, whom i try so hard to forget about, the reason im so messed up now in more ways then one. how i held him close and how i saw him as the greatest person in the world. little did i know it was all an act. a little game he played and i was the pawn in his hand. i grabbed the next thing i could, anything to change the thoughts rushing through my head.

i found plane tickets, pictures of my grandfather (r.i.p). how he was the only one i cold talk to, how i relyed on him so much. i found the beetles album. how the first song i ever remember was yellow submairine. i found my grandfather's letter he send me when i was 6. amazing how after 13 years i still cant read arabic. i thought to myself how i should pick it up again.

i found more thing. my first friend in nyc. my first crush, my first love and how stupid i was to ever think of it as such. i found my diary's and read through them. how it hurt to read more. i found things i didnt recall putting in. my first thong which i never wore *ironic in my mind* my first time i was pushed down the stairs. my first session with a theripist. all those lies i told them. how i had them fooled, how that hurt me. i remember that razor i remember when i went to the hospital. i remember the worsts.

more sorting, it hurts to remember. change the subject moving onward to 6th grade. i recall 9/11 how i remember my heart stop that day. how my brother and i were the only kids in our grade who werent picked up. how i knew what was going on, how my mom and stepdad were there. the hoplessness i felt.

i found Karol. the blood drive, her pics her memories her smile. how i miss her soo much right now. i hope shes happy in heaven.

i find things of hedie. how i wish he were dead he deserves that much emotion.

many thoughts run in and out of my head. my first job my first kiss my firsts of a lot.
how there is still many things i have yet to experiance.

and then i put them all back in. one by one. piece by piece. i constuct my brick wall over again and glue the mask on my face fooling eveyone and everything once more.

ONE WORD IS THE ONLY ONE I CAN THINK OF.... WOW!!!!

 

its been about 3 weeks give or take since i arrived and certain things still seem to amaze me, i do have many comments though....

like:

god im thankful for ama..erican traffic regulations for without them we would be like egyptians and theyre crazy driving methods...

and who knew people still used donkeys on wheels for a main source of transportation in a large amount of areas in egypt...

ive been learning a lot about my family and my heritage and im always amazed at how some of my family memebers have grown, the sky seems to be touchable, like an all time low, and people here are very much characters just looking out the window in an adventure... there are wedding on my block every night and the shopping is great, im actually becomming femmine (i know hard to believe). i finally went to a starbucks and dude it cost me around 30 egyptian pounds imagine living like that, i would die!!!

 

anyways my grandmother is the greatest and shes giving the food of the kings. ive gained about twelve ounds already. my mom and my folks are happy and im relaxed, the sunrise here is beautiful. people are suprised i read which im not but its funny to be sitting by the beach reading a million little peices and then all of a sudden have to deal with people sitting all around u asking if ur from around here.... i have to say hi and they know im not from egypt...

 

i might be coming to ny by myself cuz the travel agent screwed up the tickets and booked for one seat instead of four... in any case im living with my uncle for two weeks, while they enjoy the beinning of rahmadan....

i havent slept during the night in about 11 days which is funny cuz thats all i do during the day, ive gone to the clubs and the bars and all that ive gone shopping and got gifts for my bffls, i have pics and memories, and ive seen for black and white pictures of my history then most peole would expect to see of theyre whole lifetime...

the toot (what my nephew calls the train) has been tooting all the time and the cars (beeps) shove and push around the roads like mainiacs.... i love it here but i cant wait to get back

im getting darker and smarter and calmer and girlier... all of which seems to shock me... at the same time im learning more about myself and my family's dirty little secrets which they keep in the back of the closet.... im learing things that explain my personality and so is my brother... and i think the most important thing im learning is beauty because its hidden all over egypt in even the tinestof ways and it feels good.....

 

anyways i'll write more next time

TTYS

love Hager

OK SOO MY FIRST WEEK HERE HAS BEEN A LITTLE OFF SOMEWHAT... FAMILY FIGHTS AND REUNIONS AND WHAT NOT BUT OTHERWISE ITS STILL MOSTLY THE SAME....

THE SMELL OF ROTTING VEGGIES AND MULE FECES STILL COVER SOME PARTS WHILE MOST OF THE PLACES IVE BEEN TOO ARE FILLED WITH MEADOWS OF FLOWLERS AND TREES AND OCEANS THAT SMELL SOO SALTY AND SWEET IT IS SOMETHING I LONG FOR WHEN IM AWAY...

 

MY FAMILY HAS GROWN AND I MISS NY... I GOT SICK ON THE FIRST DAY CUZ THE AIR WAS SOO FUMED WITH POLLUTION I PRACTACLLY SUFFOCATED, BUT I WAS OK AFTER A NIGHT.... IM HAPPY TO SYA THE JET LAG HASNT CAUGHT UP WITH ME YET, AND THAT I'M TAKING SOO MANY PICTURES THAT I'LL BE SAVING THEM ON THE COMPUTER TO BE RESETTING THEM.... I MISS U ALL AND I HOPE U ARE ALL DOING GREAT... I GOT SOME PEOPLE THEIR GIFTS ALREADY LIKE MY BRO IN NC, AND MY BABY GIRL AND MY SWEET SWEET TURTLE WHOM I MISS VERY MUCH.... ANYWAYS I HOPE U GUYS ARE OK, I HOPE U TALK TO ME, AND ILL BE HOME IN ABOUT A MONTH.... MAYBE LESS... <3 U ALL

 

BYE MY CHICKABEES

hager