29.11.09

If you're following me on Twitter (@daniel_victor) or perusing the status updates on Myspace, you've likely clued in that things have continued falling apart in the the world of NWL, and in my personal life. The two are synonymous.

Luck goes from bad to worse sometimes. I hate to get into detail here about the way the last year has unfolded, but it seems like it's been a steady stream of hopeless negative energy. From all corners. So many things that could have gone wrong in the process of making this new album, have. Even beyond the music, I've personally lost my head. My sense of clarity and understanding are out the window. I can no longer judge anything for what it is. I've been through enough material for 3 albums at least this past year alone, and I just keep spitting on it. At this point, I realize I need a change. My perspective is long gone. There is no getting it back. I'm only a few strings away from checking into a mental clinic for awhile. I've entertained the thought already. 

It's not just musical direction, and the record itself. It's my life. Please don't think there's some sort of crazy mad-scientist album that I've cooked up out of all the hardships. Not even close. In fact, what I do have feels detached from who I am. Which has been part of the problem. But it stems from other parts of my life. 

There are many things at the root of my situation. Things, people, places, my timelines, goals, and mental well being. I don't want to spell them out here publicly, you can understand why. Just know that things are just generally getting too hard to carry, and getting in the way of my ability to work.  

I've decided to come to terms with the obvious. I've lost my drive the past three weeks to even continue in music. A once foreign thought to me, now a seemingly welcome relief. 

I have a suspicion I'm missing something, or that I've taken on too much in my life the past while. Something is getting in the way. Or many things are all piling up in rush hour. 

I'm desperately searching for some light. Claustrophobic, clawing at the window for an opening. Something to help me find the place to dig into to find a little more strength to help me get to the next page. And make the changes I need. To get back to a place in my life where I'm actually happy again. And I could just leave. Stop the search for hope all together. What's the point right. 

I've stopped all production. I have to fix myself up. But it will take a while. Only then can I start to get back to work again. And be proud of myself and my music. And enjoy it all. And have fun. The last month has seen any last remnants of joy sucked out of the process entirely. 

It's not a vacation. It's not a weekend break. It's not an intervention.  I don't know what it is.  But I know that everything is suffering because of this place I'm in. 

I see it as a puzzle that's come undone. There are pieces everywhere. Each, though small, has a purpose. I've been functioning with a few missing. Now there are so many missing the picture is incomplete. 

I know things can always be worse. There's never a moment in life where it couldn't be worse. Ever. And I'm thankful for a lot of things I have, and am reminding myself to keep perspective. I'm blessed with so many things and I've accomplished a lot on my list. Remembering the big picture is always important. What this is, is relative to my life. For now. And it feels big in that way. I recognize all the ways for things to be much much worse and that is usually the thought that shakes us out of our rut. And wakes us up a little. It gives us happiness that there are positives around, just things have gotten a little cloudy. Rain will fall in our lives. It's a matter of dusting off and moving forward. 

I will get there. 

To add insult to injury this week, I came down with H1N1. It was basically like a joke. At the worst time. I had just suffered a small nervous breakdown after some very heated discussions and I know my system was very weak. Fighting a constant fever and chills for 7 days made me feel even more useless. It really broke my spirit. I got really claustrophobic (I have that already and this was like panic mode) mid-week and was literally scratching at my body because I couldn't breath in any room of the house. What a terrible feeling. I'm not 100% yet, but most of the symptoms have passed. 

It gave me time to think about my past. My recent past. And the decisions that were made for my career. Which is essentially my life. I finally put every aspect of my life, my team, my music up to the spotlight and revealed its flaws. With those thoughts, I'm going to try to fix the weak spots. It won't be easy. But I only have one life. And I can't let it keep slipping off its tracks. 

For now, I'm going to try to stay away from making music. Anything I do right now will only be rubbish without my mental and physical health. Hopefully it won't be long before I can find some new light. 

xo

~d.v

In crisis mode. 

Repeating myself for months. New songs are written, then they're left behind for something new. And it keeps repeating. I can't seem stop it. Why can't I push the brake? 

Things derailed in the studio last week worst yet. Too many reasons to mention. 

I'm on my last string here to figure this out. Entirely stressed out and depressed. 

That's all I can write for this passage. 

xo

~d.v

11.08.09

I paint in my spare time. Or at times I feel like I need an outlet to create by not using music or writing. It usually involves playing ambient music, drinking wine and trying to envision something in my head that will come together on a canvas. It doesn't matter where it goes. I find it distracting enough from my usual perfectionism in producing and recording NWL that it's a welcome activity in my life, and I enjoy it. 

My art is all abstract. They're mostly hanging on walls in my studio. If I had the opportunity, I would spend more time with this side of my brain, however my music doesn't usually allow it. 

This is my second year helping this charity in particular, and I encourage you to visit their Ebay page and make a bid. All of the profits from this painting will go to help fund research for this cause. Bidding ends in seven days. 

This painting is original. I painted it two weeks ago in the middle of the night. 

Here's the link: http://cgi.ebay.ca/Daniel-Victor-Original-Painting-Art-Kidney-Foundation_W0QQitemZ110454103594QQcmdZViewItemQQptZArt_Paintings?hash=item19b793de2a#ht_1063wt_1167

xo

~d.v

11.01.09

How is it November already? Time is flying. I'm also fucked up because of this. 

In any event, we performed this Friday night at our 3rd annual Hallow's Eve Ball. It was a successful event with lots of zombie people who even came from long distances to see us. In a way it felt like an ending for the year. And almost like the closing of a chapter. I don't know why. Even the mistakes felt right. Like they were supposed to be there. I can't explain it. 

All my life plays out like this movie. This vision I've had of it in my head. I've had visions as a child of very specific things and lived them out exactly. I never second guessed myself on my musical direction. I never thought it as a hobby, it was always real. And often family and friends would see it only as a pipe dream. It was so obvious to me that I would be there (here) not because I was good enough, but because I somehow had the premonition. I know it would just be. 

When I was young, I used to get nervous and anxious watching music videos for some reason. There was this way I knew I would be doing that soon. And it was like my skin would crawl a bit. Like something was itching at me to gather all the ideas up in my head and get them out to where they needed to be. Almost like something was controlling me and that it was just a matter of time. Sure I wanted it. But this wasn't a guess or dream. It was something different. Same thing with walking through record stores and seeing my records in them, or watching the music or video awards. Same erie feeling.  The most vivid memory was of myself seated at the Junos (our Grammy's for non-Canadians), and going over the speech in my head. And the feeling I'd have being up there. When I was nominated in real-life, the seat I was in was the the exact one from my vision. Though, I didn't win. Which means I know I will be there again. That's the sign. Again, this is mainly because I've seen it somehow before. In my head. Or in the back of my mind where the fated premonitions live. 

Its with these notions that I base a lot of the happenings of my life on. When something goes wrong, I feel like it's supposed to. I think to myself, 'maybe this is what happened right before this other thing happened. 

My life also ends up playing out like it's not really there at all. Like any move I make doesn't really matter in the end. It's all just sensory experiences being programmed at any time. And since everyone has their own, and will eventually expire, and nothing will remain here forever, there's really no point to any experience besides the direct feeling it evokes at the time, and a few temporary memories (if it's worth remembering).  

I often apply this factor to my performances. If a show goes badly, I could dwell on it for a long time. All those people staring at me, me singing out of tune or fucking up guitar parts. But to me, I just feel like a visitor to this place/planet and not like I'm part of it, so it kind of doesn't really matter what happens. 

What matters is accomplishing goals that are personally fulfilling in my lifetime. And experiences that are positive. A bond and love of family, friends, and a lover. The simple pleasures in food, drink, a warm breeze on an autumn day, dancing, falling in love, or day dreaming. At the end of each day I'm thankful for these things. That I can experience them. And I feel conflicted that others can't. Or that anything can happen to change this at anytime. 

I often wonder if most people take the simple things for granted.  Are they just in a rush to work and back? Are they stressed out? Are they busy talking shit about someone they don't like? Or just complaining in general. 

We each have rules which we live by. Things that comfort us, and ways to make sense of the world around us and our place in it. For me so much of these things just play out for themselves from every minute detail from some known place. Some movie I've watched in another life. An understanding of fate. 

Or am I making these fated events as I go and these fated events themselves are fated to be portrayed as fated when in actuality they're not? 

Well, then I'd just be fucked.

xo

~d.v

10.16.09

So I basically discovered a lost tape of recordings. Those are the songs I was referring to in the last blog. These songs I had pretty much no idea existed. I couldn't play any of them for you for the life of me. No knowledge of chords, lyrics, etc. I was obviously bowled over when I listened to these songs. 

A sign? Perhaps. Why do these supernaturally weird things always seep their way into my lifeline. 

I could have written them in my sleep for all I know. (I have been having weird dreams lately). Maybe in another time and place. Five parallel universes to the left. 

In any event, this re-vamp of an album (no pun) is bringing more oxygen to my blood cells. It will either be a regular full length album. A double album (which I currently love the idea of. Tomorrow I will hate it. Then love again. etc.), or some sort of package that releases material in batches. I wouldn't call these B-sides. No. I still have those leftover from Act 1 (Note: Mogwai, Switchfoot, Thom Yorke's brother, and an alternate Dallas Green song. Just to name a few). Those are locked away in a secret lair. Perhaps to be lost at sea forever. 

Thanks to those who have been following the process and emotions along the way. It's been an interesting year. And the journey continues. 

xo

~d.v

What a confusing day. After a week or two of avoiding settling back down to the music, I listened to about 20 songs I had left behind months ago. And as it turns out to my ears, at least half of these songs were giving me goosebumps.

!?

So. Now. I've decided to attempt replacing at least half, maybe almost the whole album at this point. The thought of that is daunting. 

Either this is necessary, or I'm completely out of my mind. Technically, the record could be finished. 12 songs recorded and waiting for final mix. Yet there are just too many questions and moments of dissolution in and amongst the notes. There has to be a trick to get this right, aside from taking medication and getting drunk and pretending it doesn't exist. 

If this is the case, I have a lot of work in the months ahead. These 'new/old' songs aren't quite songs yet. But scribbles and melodies and ideas that need to be written first. Then all recorded wholeheartedly and with energy and passion that I have to dig out of myself. 

How this is going to happen logistically, physically, and financially is a mystery.

One day at a time. 

In other news, fall is starting to get beautiful. And my playlist is full of new music. That's a good combination. The days are crisp, the nights cold. We missed sweater weather all together : - unless mother nature is trying to mess with us. Here I will find inspiration to get me through this mess of work.

I'm thinking of moving locations to work. Or perhaps calling someone in. For God sake's, I'm just too saturated to work further with any sanity and not have it sound like a mess. These new ideas could be good. 

Would a double album be ridiculous? In a time when people don't even buy regular albums, and within our new 'single' release culture. Of downloads. Usually free. Ipods. Shuffle. Hair-dryer music. Disposable. Delete buttons. Track skips. Playlists. Compression. Bit rates. 360 deals. Dead radio. Dead video. Recession ticket prices. 

Something like that.

xo

~d.v

It's been a busy past few weeks, for a seemingly useless period of time in my life. A time in between any new releases and activity. Yet, a time where I'm unable to be on a break and relax. Yet a time when I'm not even hard at work finishing my 3rd album. It's just a place in time and space, a day is a night is a day. And I'm just trying to figure out what my next move is. 

The reason I'm not in the studio finishing up the album is mainly because I'm trying to get away from it. I feel the need now to revamp things. 

My good friend Jimmy Gnecco (from the band Ours) was here last week for a while, and though many of you are expecting him to be featured on this new album, that isn't the case. At least not as of today. His visit was for insight, and for old friends catching up. For peace of mind on a personal level. And to just listen. To listen to each other. And to listen to the music I've made in the last year. He listened and we talked. And I explained and he told me his thoughts. 

He pointed to his arm when he got goosebumps, and he turned the reverb off when he hated it. He pushed the vocals up in parts, and made me cut other sections of the songs all together. 

He is one of the few people on this earth I trust. And so we worked in a small frame of time on making some sense of these songs. 

What I'm left with now is still a mess (age).  I've realized some things that I hadn't before. I was just too far into this to tell. And yes things got pushed into next year, but that wasn't going to make the album make sense. It still needs to be finished. At least now virgin ears have come in and given me some form of perspective. 

It's no longer about making the 'perfect' album. Fuck that. It won't happen. It's about making a good record that will make me happy. This will be very difficult to do since the majority of what's been recorded doesn't make me happy, it just was something I thought made sense. But it doesn't. 

I'm unable to go back an start again due to contractual obligations, and due to budget/money. And timeline. But more so money, since I don't have much of it anymore. A year's worth of recording, mixing and gear take its toll. 

So I'm going to try to reassess the album and make some changes after I've taken a little time to look in other directions. I'm hoping for some new inspiration. Something to make it the old make sense, and the new ideas bring me some satisfaction. 

It's not going to be the next OK Computer, so all the radio stations and magazines that keep building this thing up can just stop saying that. It will just be a record. A good one, yes. But not worth the time it took. That was just my head, fucking me up and making me stumble. Not brilliance. 

Since Jimmy left a week ago I haven't gone back to work on any music. I was in Toronto for a couple days busking for War Child. Thank you to anyone who donated this year. It was really cold, and unforgivingly windy. It took me days to warm back up. But, all for a good cause so we're all glad we could be a part of it for the 3rd year. 

I'm happy it's October. It just feels good to be in this month. And to look towards the next while ahead, my most favourite time of year. Oct/Nov/Dec. Welcome. This will help me I know it. My connection to the weather and seasons always effects my music.

All for now.

xo

~d.v

If you're in the Toronto area, please come out and make a donation for this great cause. And listen to us perform acoustic songs in the cold afternoon rain. 

09/20/09

Been away for a few weeks. Well, not "away" just absent-minded away. 

I celebrated my birthday today. The whole concept of age is just completely weird. What gives age its meaning. The wear that "time" has on anything living? Death? Media? Isn't it funny when they say 40 is the new 30, or 30 is the new 20? Because then 20 would be the new 10. Who wants to be 10? And...when you are 10, are you really Zero? 

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to take anything at face value these days. I have to over think everything I do. It's preventing me from living normally. I was never even that far along in studying philosophy when I was in University, but I just always had this "outside the window" thing going on. I've noticed that it gets worse with age. At your youngest memory you're standing around all your family and friends with a pile of flour and sugar with little wax pieces someone lit on fire for you. They give you things. They sing to you. You grow up looking forward to those birthdays because you want to grow up. Then you do and you realize you didn't grow up, you grew old. 

Not to say I feel that way. I felt old at 15. Today, I'm just me. And I feel the same as I did then. I'll always be happy with who I am and what I am as long as I continue to follow my path. My visions. As long as I keep my passion, drive and determination focused, life will just play out as best as it can. At least in this time I will get to do as much as I can that I find personally fulfilling. That is the key. 

Don't listen to what people tell you about mostly anything. And be careful not to get your perception of what life actually is from everyone else. Because they don't know. No one does. The 'go with the flow" process has given rise to so many bad things. You need to find out for yourself.

People turn to religion for the answers. And that's fine, but it's just so obviously predictable. When we can't find the answers we want, we inevitably search there. Even though there are so many things actually unanswered there. It just seems ironic. It's the one (man-made) area that people are willing to just sacrifice their own freedom of thought and question. The generations before us who documented (read: made up) these stories of divinity and guidelines were doing the same thing we are today. Looking at our age. Who we are. Why we are. These questions never went away. And never will. The egyptians were brilliant with all that stuff. Yet if you worship the Sun today (though we worship the "Son") people would call you a drugged-out hippy out of touch with reality. Yet there are so many things within organized religion that are even more ostentatious than mummification.  

Reality is what you make of it. It's different to each, and there is no universal reality. It's in our minds. It's looking through your eyes. Your two windows. And looking inside. What do you feel. What do you think about in the dark when no one is around you. And you have nothing on your mind but the darkness. What is it then? 

Anyway, I just wanted to touch upon the notion of the feeling we all get after another birthday. Leaving behind the age before like an old pair of jeans with good memories built into them. Each tear and wrinkle a sign of character. And the new pants fit tight at first, but they loosen quickly. Before they just fade all together. 

Maybe heaven is a 24-hr laundromat. 

That's all for now. I'll update later this week on the music. 

xo

~d.v

Just saying hello.

August is closing. And we've had no real summer weather here. 

Tragic. 

But I am excited for fall. 

Though I hate September. 

I will be busy finishing the record during this time anyway. 

I have about 3 weeks left to finalize. 

I wrote a new song (still writing? unreal) last wednesday and it really speaks to me. It gets my gut. Goes for the heart. Like the classic NWL tunes have. And I'm excited to put it on this record. So I'm doing my best to fit it in. And to finish the last of the other songs that have been fighting to breathe. 

Otherwise I hope you are all heading into the upcoming months with some positivity. 

Gone is the magic of summer (though it wasn't there this year at all). 

And ahead lies the promise of change. Colours. Air. And ideas. 

Thats all for now. 

Oh, wait. BONUS ALERT!

If any of you can guess where my blog titles come from, you get bonus points with me. 

Whatever that means. 

Keep in mind they are all titles of songs or lyrics. (Try not to use google to find out, though you probably will). 

If you recognize any at any time, post the name of the band. 

Ok, it for now.

xo

~d.v